For Kristen Stewart, a guide to keeping men happy

Dear Kristen,

On the day we finally declare peace in the Rob fandom by linking arms and uniting in one voice to declare “We are the Rob, We are the Fandom,” you go and stir the shit. Of course you would. Kinda makes me like you a bit too- ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast is in (oh and that dude you’ve been seen with- Rob Whateverson- happens to be there too.) I kind of really want you to be seen one day with Oregano doing that lovely-dovey shiz like you all did in April and then the next day been seen all double O style with Rob because then you would be a Lady Pimp, Man Killer, and I would be forced into maybe, quite possibly, LOVING YOUR FACE. If you were stringing both of these boys along, making them fly to other countries, hide under hoods, buy you dinner, comb out your mullet and then get the H out of bed once you were finished with them, I would give you the biggest high five ever. EVER. Just the thought of it makes me smile and want to yell “Girl Power!” (Spice up your life!).

So since we have no real confirmation as to validity of this other than the ALWAYS valid Splash News *ahem* I’m going to speculate that it’s totally true and Oregano really is up there in Vancouver and the reason you didn’t go to the cast dinner last weekend was because it was Oregano’s day and not Rob’s, so like any good Lady Pimp you sent Rob along to the dinner to be watched over by your frenemie Nikki Reed while you, or should I say while Oregano, attended to your “needs.” I’m so kinda proud! Since you are 19, however, I have a feeling you’ve just recently tapped into your Lady Pimp Man Killer essence so you’re new at this and might be in need of a few tips from some seasoned sluts professionals. So out of the goodness of my heart, and as a sign of goodwill and Rob-peace, I’ve put together a little guide for you with the help of some pals:

Follow the cut to see the rules!

The Rules: (feel free to print these out, laminate and keep in your little black book you’ll be buying)

01. You need to invest in some sort of little black book which you will pass off as a diary or whatever because you’re emo and angsty and shiz they won’t ask, but in reality this is where you’ll keep all your information straight. Phone numbers, birthdays (if you’re with them long enough to need this information), hotel room numbers, topics of discussion, your calendar of events. You can’t be screwing up dates or having your assistant buy birthday gifts when there is no birthday.

02. Approach this as a military campaign.  Your schedule should be tight as a drum.  Your theoretical boyfriend and your theoretically former boyfriend should never cross paths.  Like a mother with a toddler, you should carry around a big bag with distracting treats so you can text or call the man you’re not with–Hot Pockets and incomprehensible novels for Rob, thrift-store plaid shirts and fake scripts for “the next big movie that’s perfect for you” for Mike.  Practice, in the mirror, an authentic reading of the line “we’re just friends, baby!”  (Hint: try not to blink or stutter while you say it–they’ll know you’re acting.)  – Freya

03. This is all about multi-tasking. We know you are capable of this. I mean, we’ve paid hard earned money to watch you blink, stutter and speak all at the same time.  And dude!  That business is harder than it looks.  So, you have a basic working knowledge of what I’m saying:

  • You’re out to dinner with Oregano.  He’s complimenting you on how smartly you’ve styled the mullet for a night out on the town….meanwhile….you’re texting Rob under the table, relaying, in excruciating detail, what you plan on doing to him later with merely your pinkie, and a can of cheeze whizz.  See what we did there?  Simplistic and efficient.  Utilize technology – Proslyte3
How do you feel about lunch at 130? I have an uhhh appointment at noon

How do you feel about lunch at 130? I have an uhhh appointment at noon

04. Immediately give each boy his own ring tone on your cell….Secret Lover for Rob, perhaps? or maybe a little Lady Gaga Poker Face for Oregano? –vickyb

05. Oregano’s desperate.  The poor boy, bless his heart, hasn’t had a good job in ages.  You, Kristen, are his meal ticket, his sugar mama.  Around you, he’s back in the spotlight.  This means he will do anything – AN.Y.THING. – for you to keep you around.  So, my recommendation is to take advantage of that in the following ways:
Make him do all the shit you don’t want to do

  • drop off the dry cleaning, wash the car, clean the trailer, sign your headshots, respond to fanmail etc.
  • Force him to take a class in sensual massage.  Like I said, dude’s not working – you may as well put him to work on finding ways to please you. – Heyyyybrother

06. Hire a body double to handle those unavoidable scheduling conflicts.  Be sure she is willing to get a mullet haircut. They’ll never notice, they’re dudes after all – Tiffanized

07. They’ll want to take you out for dinners, lunches, coffee anything to be close to you. To make room for all this FREE food go to lunch with one and spend the afternoon together: work up an appetite (ifyouknowwhatimean), then after that “exercise” you’ll be ready to go to dinner with the other dude – HisOneandOnly

BUT remember:

08. Eating two or more dinners every night will turn you into a total cow.  As much as I’d like to see that, watching you waffle between the hottest man on earth and a condiment is even more entertaining, and I’d like to see it continue for as long as possible.  Learn the “hamster style cheek pack” technique so you can discreetly discard your uneaten food in the bushes on your way out of the restaurant – Tiffanized

09. Of course, you’re gonna need someone to act as an alibi and back your stories up… Lord knows Nikki Reed won’t have your back there because she’s still jealous.  Maybe Taylor?  He’s still young and innocent and pure of heart – he might actually buy your BS.  So always make sure Taylor can account for what you were doing so that Oregano doesn’t catch wind of WHO you were doing at a given time.  Just tell him you have a migraine or something and that you need to go lie down.  He doesn’t need to know that Rob’s going with you. – Heyyybrother

10. When you get caught–and you will–deny, deny, deny.  I don’t care what evidence they have, you just stammer and blink and say things like

“What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I… (fade out)”

They’ll give up the questions just to get you to stop.  No one can take more than ten seconds of that, trust. – Tiffanized

11. Or… if all of this sounds a little too complicated, there’s always option B: pitch the three-way love triangle.  Oregano’s jobless and desperate, and I think we all know how much Rob loves a bromance.  Hell, if you’d be willing to go even further and try out a love quadrangle (a reverse Big Love situation, if you will), you could get TomStu up in there and it’d be one big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst.  Get a few Heine’s in Rob and he’ll agree to it… Trust – Heyyybrother

So Kstew, with these simple guidelines you can juggle multiple men. We will get you through this, with our combined years of sluttiness experience. In the end you will be found out, because all good things must come to an end. But enjoy the “ride” while you can and if you pull this off you just might be my new favorite Lady Pimp Man Killer.

Did we miss any rules, do you think KStew is banging both of them?

A fellow Lady Pimp Man Killer,

PS big thanks to contributors: Tiffanized, Heeeyyybrother, HisOneandOnly, Freya, Pros3 and Vickyb. You guys brought the awesome!

Why are guys never depressed? UC explains it in Rob terms at LTR
Talk about this recent development over at the forum!


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