Eclipse Reality Index

Dear Eclipse,

My dear friends @Too_Far_Gone & @lula34 and I LOVE Gossip Girl. That means that every Tuesday, after the latest episode Monday night, we share blog posts we found and stories from the episode the night before. And, of course, lusty videos of Chuck Bass. One of our favorite weekly routines is reading The New York Mag’s Gossip Girl Reality Index where they rate the “realness” or “Fakeness” of an episode & arbitrarily assign points. The 3 of us did this for Remember Me and we’re doing it today for Eclipse. Let’s see how real Eclipse really is!

Realer than Jacob’s vivid tent fantasies that Edward obvious knows about and later uses on Bella because they were pretty damn good ideas. In yo’ face, Jake:

Edward tries to distract Bella from studying from her English final – typical horny male behavior. Plus 5

Vitamin R in the afternoon! It’s happy hour at the Swan house! Plus 3

Sex talk between father & daughter just as awkward as one would expect, even though the father is the coolest & has a rockin’ stache’ Plus 7, but “Dad, I’m a virgin” and she’s dating THAT HOT PIECE? Minus 7, because that’s just not fair.

Jacob’s Cheshire cat smile when Bella hops on the bike with him. I don’t even want to KNOW what kind of thoughts Edward overheard after that. Plus 4

Wonder why Bella has no style sense...

Renee’s white trash outfit at the beach- so Florida plus 3

Chief Black wearing a cowboy hat as a replacement headdress. SWEET. Plus 2

The “let’s sit around the campfire and tell wolf pack/3rd wife stories” scene is just as boring on screen as it is in the book. The upside? It’s the perfect time to go potty and grab a pack of peanut M&Ms. Plus 3

Rosalie THROWS the paper across the room before stalking out to the porch, remaining just in sight of everyone in the living room. Plus 5, because I’ve pulled this move at least once in every fight I’ve had in the past 6 months. A proper bitchy departure takes practice.

Rosalie’s attitude and general hatred of Bella – very realistic, possibly because Nikki actually hates Kristen in real life? Either Plus 3 for Art imitating Life, or for excellent acting on Nikki’s part.

Leah’s bitchy attitude towards Bella when she stops over to see Sam & Emily, plus 8, because the girl has to hear Jacob’s very vivid thoughts about her. And unless Leah’s a closeted lesbian…. no girl wants to hear that….

My boobs look great in yellow

Having Anna Kendrick’s Jessica be the Valedictorian of their graduating class, giving that awesome speech so that her mere screen presence could class up the joint? As real as the hair on her head. And probably only her head, because everyone else in that cast wearing a wig. (Also, we needed her presence desperately, even for only a few minutes, because Michael Sheen wasn’t in Eclipse. Sad.) Plus 23

Edward proposing with a miniature cheese grater ring (approved by Stephenie Meyer, TM) and giving Bella blue balls, all in the same night? Yep, that’s totally Eclipse. Plus 38 but minus 12 for my blue balls

Everyone at the graduation party is in cute dresses and heels… Bella shows up in a blue chambray button-up and jeans. Plus 3 for realistic costumes, Minus 1 for the chambray shirt.

Jacob tells Bella she’ll warm up faster if she’s naked. Plus 30 for the attempt

Victoria uses her boobs and other ASSets to make Riley do what she wants. How else does a woman get what she wants from a man? Plus 8.

While showing the wolves how to throw down against an army of newborn vamps, Jasper whoops the asses all of his family members. Except for Alice. Because she is badass. But she kisses him anyway. Because that is who she is and that is why we love her the most. Plus 17

Anyone spot the vampire in the 3 piece suit and wool overcoat? Riley doesn’t discriminate when it comes to making newborns! Plus 4 for anti-discrimination.

Jacob has a camo-bedspread. Plus 35, because it’s all in the details.

Points= 181

See what’s fake after the jump!

Faker than the Wig Department’s cosmetology degrees:

Minus 12 for this picture. Cuz it's weird...

Minus 7 for Jacob’s letter having ENTIRE PARAGRAPHS scratched out. He might has well have written “Do you want to be my wolf lover? Circle Yes / No” at the bottom.

Minus 1 Mike’s highlights. He looks like a rejected NSYNC member.

Bella’s wig. DAMN. Minus 5 million

What’s up with all the v-neck tshirts on Edward? Does he think that chest hair peeking out is going to send Bella into a hormone-fueled tizzy? Minus 3. (Or maybe that is why he’s wearing it… the chest hair keeps her away? In that case, Plus 4.)

Bella’s staring off into the river – so unrealistic. As an 18-year old, the only reason you’re staring out into the water like that is if you’re on your 4th beer. Minus 5.

Flannel button-ups, waffle-knit shirts, parkas, and knit caps pulled over our ears bring all the chiseled vampires & hot wolves to the yard. Yeaaaaaaaah. (Shit, even Mike wants Bella’s Seattle grunge, circa 1991-look steeze. WHY? Meanwhile, Jessica’s incredible boobs are getting no love? Please. That’s depressing.) Minus 12

When Jacob goes to Forks High, he stands in the parking lot all aloof, and EVERYONE GIVES HIM THE COLD SHOULDER. I’m sorry, but if that piece of meat was in MY high school parking lot, I would have been chatting him up hardcore, not giving him the stink eye. Minus 12

What is up with men revealing their feelings in this movie? It didn’t seem so unrealistic in the book but onscreen, it’s overwhelming. Everywhere you turn, there’s a guy telling Bella how much he loves her, and why life with him would be better, and using crazy metaphors to describe his love for her. DAVID SLADE, you of all people should know, that men do NOT reveal their feelings like that. So please stop getting up the hopes of 13-year-old girls everywhere. Minus 15.

Those ridiculous sunglasses Bella dons while visiting Renee’ in Florida. Hell to the no. Alice would’ve, at the very least, loaned her a pair of Marc Jacobs or Chanel black frames. Those things on her face came from Dollar General. We all know it. And it’s unacceptable. Minus 6

Bella punches Jacob, instead of slapping him, which is the default female-assaulting-male technique. Minus 5 She breaks her hand. I laugh. Plus 2

Jessica’s graduation speech? Totally written by a presidential speech writer. Minus 2.

Angela & Jess leave Bella to go dance to a song they “love” at the graduation party? False. They’ve never heard that song. Kids in Forks listen to John Mayer, DMB & Debussy. Minus 4

And then... I murdered the person who use to do my eyebrows...

“The Volturi don’t give second chances.” Do the Volturi also not allow tweezing one’s eyebrows??? Minus 2. Also Minus 2 for Rosalie’s DARK BROWN (yet beautifully sculpted) eyebrows. Are we saying the make-up department is without cosmetology degrees to? If so, Minus 3.

Edward asks, “Is [the wrought-iron bed] too much?” YES. YES IT IS. Minus 1.

Jake purring when Bella scratches his head Minus 3 because dogs don’t purr.

Various displays of bromancing in the tent scene. Everyone is into sharing their feelings. THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. Minus 20. In real life, Edward and Jacob would have muttered 8 words to each other the entire night, probably something to the effect of “Make sure that f*cking zipper door is closed.”

Bella almost freezes to death 7 hours before she’s outside without a coat? Right. Was she faking to get close to Jacob? Minus 4

Were Rosalie and Esme told they were going to prom instead of into battle? Their hair looks awfully fancy for an afternoon of kicking ass. Minus 2.

I knew if I brushed my hair you'd give me a cheese grater ring

Bella uses a rock to cut herself in the forest. I find it hard to believe that a rock sitting on the forest floor would be sharp enough to cause that kind of blood flow. Minus 1.

Bella taking the time to put on a nice knit sweater and running a curling iron in her hair? Just in case her boyfriend happens to make the engagement official? Right. Minus 12

Points= – 5,000,116

Reality Total -4,999,934


YOUR TURN! Join the fun & fill in what we missed in the real vs fake Eclipse moments in the comments. And don’t forget to assign random point values!

Thanks to Lion & Lamb Love for the pictures!

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