The VILF deconstructed by Stacey and Stacey

(Today Stacey – Snowwhitedrifted or West Coast (WC) and Stacey East Coast (EC) take on the VILF’s we’d love to marry, hit it or just stare at and why they’re so alluring. – moon)

Goose and Maverick the Edward and Jasper of the 80s

Dear VILFS of Twilight (and other series),

In the eighties it was surfers and beach volleyball players. In the nineties it was athletes and firemen. The new millennium, however, boasts vampires as the most coveted object of desire for the female gender. Vampire sex appeal is at an all time high. I think this is partially due to the monster success of Twilight as well as some other factors.

EC Stacey: Wait. Are we getting serious here? The tweed kind of serious. Let me throw on these Kate Spade glasses. Alice approved, ya’ll. Hold on wearing an old David Letterman tee-shirt and Yoga pants, must change into designer…never mind. At least I got the glasses. Okay, Stacey (SWD) commence with your thoughts.

WC Stacey/ SWD: Many people claim that the vampire-ness of Twilight is insignificant and it’s totally a love story. Sure, the Cullens are like the passivist emo-hippies of the vamp world, but they still kick ass, nonetheless.

EC Stacey: Ha ha! I want them to wear tie dyed clothes and beads. Actually, do you think Carlisle and Esme got so sad after the Eclipse fight scene that they wanted to cry, but can’t. So they went back to Casa Carlisle and got all emo listening to Morrisey? Whoops! Got off track. Sexy vampire boys, yay!

Rob and Moz - My wildest fantasies realized! Thanks Fablife!

WC Stacey/ SWD: Morrisey, for the WIN, ha ha ha! I wouldn’t have liked it as much without the vampire aspect. You see, I have been a VILF shipper since I was a kid (duh, the Count (ECStacey: Grover, definitely Grover. Monster. Grr.) was my favorite Seasame Street character), so it was no wonder that Edward (and Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett, James, hell even Aro) glamoured the pants off of me. I think this is true for a lot of women. When we break down the characteristics of a vampire, it’s no wonder we offer our necks (ok, and lady bits) willingly.

EC Stacey: Let me get this straight, Aro? I love the Michael Sheen, as much as everybody in the whole world. But Aro? If you said Alec, maybe. Even a creeptastic girl crush on Jane. I want to see that bottle of wine you are drinking. As expected, wine goggles. SWD: OK, note to self, wine in a box enhances wine goggles. If I were drinking “Bitch” wine maybe I’d go fake lesbian for Alice

What Rob's cheek bone structure looks like

WC Stacey/ SWD: Lets start with the fact that Vampires are HOT, well cold actually, but in the looks department they are always stunning. I think every actor born with incredible checkbones signs a deal with the devil to one day play a vampire. Seriously, you could grate cheese on Robs cheekbones (*note to someone, please make that as dirty as possible in the comments).

EC Stacey: Ahh…Rob’s cheekbones… Back on track. I don’t want to leave out the wolves/shifters for you wolfpackers. This might be hard to believe my friends, due to the fact I have a Sophie’s Choice type of love for both Twilight’s Edward and Vampire Diaries Damon. (And yes, I voted for BOTH of them in EW’s Sexy Beast poll. Don’t you judge me.) Originally, I loved the wolf. Seth Green’s OZ on Buffy the Vampire Slayer was my first true supe love. I even married his younger twin. Of course, he’s an accountant and not a rocking guitar player, but I can pretend. SWD: I married Fletch, he has no powers. Also, have you seen Alcide and Sam on True Blood? Nice. Twilight? Jacob’s a buff baby. Okay, Paul’s hot.

WC Stacey/ SWD: So yes, Vampires and Werewolves are beautiful. See exhibit A: (slide show mildly NSFW, mostly because it’s both hands embarrassing)

(moon note – the fact you made this kills me. LOVE and 1:50!)

Follow the cut for the rest of the deconstruction and to find out why we really like the bad boy VILFS

WC Stacey/SWD: It goes beyond the pretty factor though. Vampires are lusty, strong, powerful, ageless, forbidden, dangerous, rich, sexually superior, unable to impregnate a woman (*ahem*) which adds to the mystique. (side note, if vampires cry tears of blood and such, ummmm, what color is vampire semen? Has this been discussed? It needs to be, but that may be in a letter suited for Alan Ball (True Blood director), not LTT)

EC Stacey: Oh my God, Stacey (WC). You went there! No way. UC? Moon? Please tell me you asked Stephenie that question. Please? Pretty please? No? Not appropriate? You’re right. That one’s for Ball.

Exhibit B:

WC Stacey/SWD: Far superior to mortal men in many ways, but one in particular I find most fascinating.

A human, not a bean burrito (thank God)

Vampires do not eat…food. Therefore no digestion. Hence, no bad consequences that come from the digestive process. Imagine a lifetime with a partner free from any instance of “Man Smells” (dutch ovens be gone). Heaven.

EC Stacey: Or just being mean with their food. Let me tell you a little story about Buffalo Wings. One night, SG jr. was eating a plate of greasy Buffalo Wings. Let me point out for a visual, that my dear husband has the body of a skinny 13 year old boy. He proceeded to wave a leg at me and announce,”Hey baby, I can eat 100 of these and not gain a pound. Are you jealous?” Edward wouldn’t pull a stunt like that. You know, wave around the head of an elk and proclaim, “Look Bells, I can suck 50 of these and not a bit on my hips.”

WC Stacey/SWD: Since they’re old, most of them seem very inclined to have good manners. We learned from Edward that he’s very into courting and, to quote Bella, “Old School” standards. Ok, well that part is very appealing to the tweens and virgins, so it counts as an attraction factor.

VILF's are NOT watching this!

EC Stacey: For another RL example, my boy Edward would go wherever Bella wanted. Emmett might not when the game’s on TV. No, I take that back, Rosalie would hit him upside the head with a tree trunk and he’d go. Now, RL husbands can be cranky beasts. (Heads up single ladies) Like when you FINALLY get an adult night out and he’s complaining how he wants to go back to the house and watch Wipeout. Edward wouldn’t like Wipeout and neither would Vampire Bill. They don’t find “Big Balls” hysterical. Emmett, however…

WC Stacey/SWD: So one on hand (and your gonna need your hand) you have the family values vamps, the gentlemanly vamps. And on the other hand (and for us, um, women of age) (EC: Somebody loves Eric!) you have the less than virtuous, but dark masters of the sexy (*cough * Viking Sheriff *cough*), the other vamps.

From lusty to wholesome, the spectrum of vampires runs the gamut.

I'd go 'Surfin' USA' with any of these werewolves

EC Stacey: Let’s get back to the bad boys for a sec. The bad boys and the wolves. You might say, “Hey Stace, why the heck are you grouping my sweet Jacob with that lot?” Hear me out. The wolves and the bad vamps have super sexy, masculine sex appeal. I get the same reaction when Riley in Eclipse struts on screen to Alcide driving a truck. Sexy time. Breathe. Now Edward, Bill, Stefan and Angel from Buffy want to put a ring on that. They like imagining you having their not-going-to-happen babies. (Oh I forgot. That only works for Bill and Stefan. Angel had a “very special baby”, too. He’s now Pete on Mad Men. Love the full circle game!) Those boys are for the romantic in us. Bad boy vamps just for one nighter fantasies. Jacob is an interesting case. He plays both ways. SWD: *snickers* He would marry Bella, but also REALLY wants to hit that. So…I don’t want to think that. He’s a baby. A very muscular…stop.

WC Stacey: So there you have it. The VILF: Deconstructed. It’s no wonder all of our husbands and significant others despise these immortals that fascinate us to no end.

EC Stacey: Oh boy, the hubbys hate them. Mostly the sparkly variety. At least mine does. Here is a weekly conversation we have during baseball season.

SGjr.: Why can’t you be a normal girl and like baseball players?
Me: Like the way you like Jeter or ARod?
SGjr: Exactly. Mostly Jeter.
Me: You luv Jeter. Do you want to marry him?

WC Stacey/SWD: This has been fun Stace, we seem to have a lot to say about the Supes. Hell, we may need our own blog.

Snowhitedrifted & Stacey

So what is it about Vampires? And while we’re at it, what about Werewolves? Anyone want to tackle the allure of werewolves and write us? DO IT! Big hand to the Stacey’s and why don’t you make WC/SWD Stacey’s day and go buy something in the LTT store! She is, after all the design mastermind behind our merch!

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