Breaking down THE bed picture- you know, the underwhelming one….

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Moon & I started breaking dawn THE BED picture, and then ended up just creeping each other out. Hope you enjoy!


UC: OMG OMG OMG OMG… did you see it? The most over-hyped underwhelming picture of Edward & Bella in BED of the year!?
Moon: why yes, yes i did- i tweeted it out like an hr later. and then sat around and watched the crazy descend
UC: way to be on TOP of it (ahem) on top like Edward. Missionary style what whatttt!!
Moon: Bella’s first time
UC: Question: when you thought about yourself as Bella, doing it with Edward for the first time, because you know you did, how did you envision it? Missionary? I know you save your doggy style fantasizing for your Jake fantasies..
Moon: doesn’t Stephenie describe it as missionary in the book?? Cause he doesn’t want to crush her?
UC: does she GET that descriptive? Oh yes… the crushing….
Moon: ps the fact we’re breaking down the position is disturbing for any family members or friends reading
UC: sorry to all of them. but it’s SERIOUS, and we discuss SERIOUS things
Moon: and YET you’d think if he didn’t want to crush her it’d be the other way around
UC: also isn’t missionary best for baby-making? ? and since they make a baby (SPOILER ALERT)… or is that a myth
I will google it: Ah- Informative

“You may have heard that positions that deposit the sperm closest to the cervix — such as the missionary position (man on top) — are more promising than other positions. But there are no studies to back this up.”

thank you but getting back to our fantasies.. I’m trying to think……
Moon: so wrong. isn’t everything about sex made up? it seems….
UC: I think so.
Moon: i mean if urban dictionary hasn’t heard of it than it can’t be true

Less Sex than on CSI

UC: right. So there’s that… Edward’s on top.. Big surprise. Are we jaded & t hat’s why we weren’t overwhelmed like it seemed the entirety of twitter was by this?
Moon: well i mean i guess i was underwhelmed cause its like we already know this happens, right? We’ve all read the books. they do it.
UC: right…. i know… i think we’ve built it up more in our minds… and at the end of the day… it’s just sex. And it’s going to be less sex than we generally see on an episode of CSI (believe me, I watched like 12 in the last few days i’ve been sick)
Moon: Or maybe we’re underwhelmed because it wasn’t on a bear skin rug. And even if its really Edward and Bella, Kristen and Rob should insist on any LOVE MAKING being on an animal hide
UC: I KNOW- it should be in their contracts. It should be wolf skin- just to stick it a little to Jacob
Moon: the fireplace is negotiable. The rug, NOT. It should be on a white wolf skin- the rarest of all! Suck it jacob!!
UC: have fun waiting 18 years for the zygote growing inside of me to grow up so you can get it on with her
UC: I just became Bella there.. in case you couldn’t tell
Moon: poor jacob. his life is the epitome of a “true love waits” campaign
UC: haha So true.. he’ll have to ask Kellan for tips
Moon: maybe kellan has given taylor pointers on how this works best
UC: jinx

The one where Faith Hill did it first

Moon: ALSO maybe it’s not ZOMG for us because it’s something thats pretty straightforward and less something we don’t know how it will turn out- like maybe if it was from the transformation or birth or something with Renesmee it’d be diff
UC: right…. they do it… it’s a glowing sunlit morning…. the sheets are beige….
Moon: I’d even say the feathers were better because it left so much to the imagination
UC: I’m thinking of another sex scene where you see a lot of beige translucent sheets….Wait..i’m pretty sure it’s Faith Hill’s video for “Breathe” but it might be from a movie…
Moon: and PS this is clearly from the same shoot with the feathers. give us something NEW!
UC: that’s how the scene always played out in my mind… and the hand with feathers, and now this, is proving even more to me that it will be that.. we’ll see the back of Edward- with Bella’s hand clasping at his skin…. maybe he’ll turn her on top for a second… a translucent beige sheet (or canopy from the bed) will fall and we’ll just see their outline.. and then up close shots of their mouths… all to a really kick ass song…like how the Sia song fit during the leg hitch scene
Moon: exactly. It will be all very tastefully and not crazy intense
UC: you’re right. no surprise.
Moon: cause this is a family film, and it will NOT be some crazy s&m, fan fic scenario. So everyone should ACCEPT it now
Moon: save the crazy shiz for after Bella’s is an indestructible vampire. She’d be more down for whips once he can’t kill her accidentally
UC: What this scene WILL be is great fodder for Robsten video makers. So we have that to look forward to!!
Moon: Dude bill condon already turned it sepia for them!! they’re half way there! All they need is an awkward song from celine dion and clips from a soft core porn and its done!

More after the jump!

Edward does The Tuck

UC: Speaking of Bill, what he said about the scene leaves much to the imagination

“It’s one of the most anticipated scenes,” director Bill Condon told the magazine. “I spent a tremendous amount of time thinking about it. The anticipation is part of it and you want to play with what people expect and maybe subvert it a little and surprise them.”

SUBVERT IT? I never thought of that as a positive word. Doesn’t it mean like… ruin.. destroy? change??? here is google’s definition: “Undermine the power and authority of (an established system or institution).”
So… He’s going to undermine the power & authiority of the sex scene nice.
Moon: undermine THE MAGICNESS???!!! Noooo bill noooo!! You better hire bodyguards. I think of subvert like subversive- like kinky or not the normal
UC: you would. But yes- you’re right…. and he’s gonna SURPRISE us….Surprise us!? I mean… with what? Dragon Penis Tattoo? Edward does “The Tuck?” hahahah… Bella has a penis?
Moon: He’ll surprise us with some whips and some role play costumes
UC: Maybe they have a threesome? What’s the housekeepers name?
Moon: Rosa? Consuella?
UC: Yes, both of the. Plus their cousin Pedro.

Edward is NOT Clean & Clear

Moon: So what is she doing with her hands. Popping a zit on his chin? Making it look like a john Travolta chin? Making it talk to her?? Is this morning after play time?
UC: she saw a blackhead, and she is about to nom nom nom it
Moon: EW! I just threw up at your last message.
UC: haha, well, it kinda looks like it!

I dare you not to creep us out

UC: So to recap: Edward & Bella like it missionary. They might possibly have a threesome with a maid
Or perhaps Edward channels Salvador Dali & does “The Tuck.” Bella pops Edward’s black heads & has a low hair line. In otherwords: tell us something we didn’t already know- show us how you’re not planning on creeping us out by having Bella birth a half human child. I DARE YOU
Moon: show us something not rob and kristen- call me crazy- we like those other folks too. Show us taylor and what’s her name running around the forest

UC: YES. dude- that would be something!! Because in my mind I have all those photoshopped images floating around. and i really hope it’s less creepy!!i hope it’s less this

Or this

and more this:

from our very own Emily. So cute!!

I forgot how FUN this is: Here’s more to creep you out

Moon: OMG noooo
UC: I’m not done

Moon: make it stoooopppp
UC: No it’s too much fun! There are SO many new ones!

(Notice who is playing Jake!)

Moon: I hope stephenie meyer does google image searches when she’s having a bad day
UC: me too
Moon: I love that you know they’re new
UC: I hope big Daddy does too

I hope he printed that last one & put it on the fridge. so when Tay was home last and reached in for the olive garden left overs, he saw it and threw up…. therefore not wanting the leftovers. Which means more for big Daddy. SMART MAN HE IS

Wake up Boyfriend!!!

I know.. I know.. it’s NOT SEXUAL… it’s like a big brother, but i’m sorry…I still can’t.. after all this time…… take it seriously
Moon: omg SICK stop. I’m dying- just say no!
UC: Anyway- good luck not creeping us out Bill!

UC & Moon

This is LTT- we KNOW we weren’t the only ones NOT freaking out over this picture. What did you think? And do you hate me for all the pictures to end the letter today!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • TeamSeth

    Okay, coworker and I just discussed the weirdness of this pic. Specifically Bella’s arm. It’s just not right, the positioning. How is she stroking his face, but her arm in the position it’s in? Hm.

    • Anonymous

      It’s probably the maid’s arm.
      Or it could be Condon’s way of ‘surprising’ us – by giving Edward a third arm.

      • TeamSeth

        Or it could be Condon’s way of skipping the birthing scene and that’s Renesme’s arm. Insta-child. (yeah, now you WANT him to do the actual scene in the book because insta-child image is that creepy!)

  • No, she is not wearing a thong. It just looks like that at first (horrified) glance.

  • Renie

    Can we try for a little bit of hotness, lips parted, eyes half open, hair messed, and a little dew on the skin and her finger not poking him? She did that to him in New Moon too and it bothered me then. I don’t think it’s a good foreplay move.
    Ok this is so not normal. Breathe!
    November is just to far away to be bothered.

    • Renie

      If Cathy was making this movie there would be hotness and I can’t believe I’m saying that but with the last 2 films I have developed the opinion that a female director was needed to convey the intensity of the romance between Edward and Bella…just sayin.

    • gizmo

      Exactly. Obviously she has issues with the concept of simply cupping a face. I doubt the script read: awkwardly poke his cheek/chin with the pointer finger while keeping eyes closed.

    • TeamSeth

      I just realized that maybe this is actually the second sex scene because all this chat about the ocean leads me to believe they’d have wet hair for the first go.

  • Anonymous

    I can just imagine when this scene comes on the screen – between the the Twi-moms covering their Twi-daughters eyes, and the people who will most likely look WAAAY too excited, the day will be set.
    I myself will be laughing hysterically watching with great fervor as B continuously pokes E’s face and still manages to look heavily sedated.

  • Anonymous

    Maybe movie #2 will have the no holds barred type stuff that we want… I don’t know, I just keep more creeped out. Missionary sounds right, I mean losing v-card hurts, especially if its with some freezing cold rock type thing getting shoved in you and I call bullshit that she would ever want to do it again.
    Major ouch

  • Anonymous

    Maybe movie #2 will have the no holds barred type stuff that we want… I don’t know, I just keep more creeped out. Missionary sounds right, I mean losing v-card hurts, especially if its with some freezing cold rock type thing getting shoved in you and I call bullshit that she would ever want to do it again.
    Major ouch

  • oh werd?

    agree, bella’s (or kristen rather; it’s probably not fair to blame bella) totally hideous in this pic. edward on the other hand…check out his face! he’s got that face that we all know from our own fellas, the one that says “uhhhh huh! y’aint know i could do that did ya!!!”

    i think it’s too late to hope for anything good to come out of these movies. the best we can hope for is that when they remake them 30 years from now (and u know they will, as with every other semi-successful movie), somebody will do a better job then.

  • Anonymous

    How did I miss Breaking ‘Dawn’ The Picture day yesterday?! Unfortunately real life called and I missed the good times around here.

    I have nothing to add to the discussion that hasn’t already been said, but my first thought was, “this was better in the book.” In all Tweed seriousness, it’s pretty anticlimactic (no pun intended) to see a picture like this. I’m with Stephenie on the Less is More thing when expressing romance. I don’t really see romance here… I just see Bored Bella and awkward, hovering-on-top-trying-not-to-crush-Bella Edward. Here’s to hoping its more artfully done in the film.

    Your breaking it down, however, was as fabulous and epic as ever. The horrifying pictures only served to enhance the cringe-worthy nature of this whole impending Breaking Dawn movie event.

    Also, I think Celine Dion should sing the theme song to this movie. At least the one where they are making love. It would be sooo appropriate for the whole sappy-awkward nature this movie will, undoubtedly, be in some capacity. I mean, I hope it’s not. But if it is, please bring out the Celine. If they’re going to do sappy cheesy romance, I hope they do it all the way. Plus I love Celine Dion.

    • Anonymous

      I can see it now:
      Bella walks toward Edward standing in the ocean on their wedding night and “Have You Ever Been In Love” starts playing slowly in the background.
      Doesn’t seem like the most cringe-worthy thing to me, but I am one for the cheese, so…make it work! (Sparingly)

      • Anonymous

        Exactly! Sparingly cheesy. I like that you picked one of Celine’s slightly less known songs, too. It makes it sound like the scene could be rather nice, actually…

        • TeamSeth

          MidCyn would love this! She loves Celine Dion!

  • on42787

    In BD Bella meets him in the water and they make love for the first time there where it fades to black..but the wake up the next morning in bed, so obviously they did it again once they made it back to the room. I don’t think they were at it all night, but i took it that they took it slowly by starting in the water and then eventually making it to the bed room for round two.
    The first time was obviously in the water since it was explained that the water was a warm bath…that was ALL Stephenie Meyer..not FF.

  • Its AAE to you

    Fucking amazing post. Brilliant. *applauds*

  • Winni4eva

    hahahaha I was totally ROFL all through this post, I was laughing so hard my mom came to my room to see if I was ok….I think she though I was choking or something….

  • Twilightedforever

    The picture is so vanilla because…it’s Edward with Bella, duh! Now if that were Jacob and Bella together in bed…ohhhhhhhhh…WAY different (and WAY hawter)!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Very late post but had to add my 2 cents worth…
    Of COURSE it’s going to be missionary the first time, I mean he got tips from Carlisle for a start (he’s so vanilla), and he’s an old fashioned boy, and Beller has NO idea what’s going on down there, so there is no way they are going to be adventurous (haven’t thought about that much AT ALL). I’m not convinced about them doing it in the sea either (what Reeceev13 said…). I didn’t mind the bruises in the book, I thought SM explained it really well esp when she thinks about how she doesn’t even know she’s hurt herself until the bruises show up days later, kind of just reinforces the ‘Bella is a klutz’ thing…plus she also thinks about wanting E to hold her tighter and liking when he did.

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