Breaking it down: Preparing for the wedding and butchering meat
There are some new stills from Breaking Dawn out, so you KNOW we were all over those like a Twifan on an Edward pillow. So here we go…
The one with THE Shoes
Moon: so it looks like most of these are like wedding planning type pics
UC: i don’t care WHAT designer they are.. they’re hideous
and so are Alice’s
Moon: clearly alice has already been at work because now bella’s wearing skin tight jeans and a pleather jacket from forever 21
UC: right.. Good job Alice.. we’re getting her there
Moon: the shoes look vintage or just a bit worn
UC: just an odd heel. (bellas)
Moon: like alice took esme’s vintage original early 1900s wedding shoes and added some rhinestone appliqués from michaels to the top
Moon: bellas shoes are like the classier version of when people make their own wedding flip flops, only alice probably used swarovski on those shoes.
UC: I think Bella is saying “I get what you’re saying, Al.. the rhinestones are nice and all, but I really don’t understand why I can’t wear my smelly ol’ Chucks… No one will be able to SEE under my dress anyway.. and anything bad smelling on me just smells good to Edward anyway- so it doesn’st matter that they smell like I’ve warm them while damp since 10th grade”
Moon: do you think bella has to lie down to zip those jeans up? cause daaaamn gina
UC: THose are jeans? I thought that was body paint
Moon: same diff… twilight brand jeans/jeggings/body paint coming to a hot topic near you. SYNERGY!
Moon: look at alice’s hair line in the back, so is that a weird shadow or did the wig not fit right and they had to photoshop her REAL hair out???
UC: hahahah you’re right.. WORST shadow.. or photoshopped hair. I just.. don’t get Alice’s outfit… BLACK tights? alice would for sure be wearing tights with some sort of design on them and not that soccer mom “top” that covers birthing hips
Moon: i think its more the witchy-librarian shoes she wearing for me… sale at the Port Angeles Kohls yall!
The with the musical!
Moon: do you think bella took edward to the “bad” part of town (graffiti!) to threaten him with his life if he shoved cake in her face?? cause i would/will SO do that. shes like if theres any cake near my face you will be the 108 yr old vampire virgin
UC: Yes. I also think they could have possibly gone to a dinner theater where they were performing West Side Story & their lucky numbers were pulled to come on stage & dance with the performers.
Moon: DUDE so weird how theres a big twilight/west side story connection
UC: what there is?
Moon: how many times have we mentioned it? and its been in that Rob photoshoot
UC: hahaha you’re right
Moon: bella is going her best “in america” and edward is 100% antone
UC: So true!
Moon: even wearing the same outfit!!!
<—— Look!! —–
Moon: make that belt bella’s wearing red and BOOM
Follow the jump cause we keep going and it’s Friday and you want a laugh! Duh.
The one where we have even more questions for Stephenie
Moon: ok so back at the ranch… we have these two doing the heavy lifting… clearly the cullens are too cheap to hire a couple extra hands to help set up chairs and CLEAR THE FOREST area behind their house. WTF?
UC: hahahaha… Rosalie just likes it when Emmett goes all macho man on her…. spices things up in the bedroom, cuz after 60 years.. things can be QUITE stale
Moon: so he uproots a thousand yr old tree and they do it on it?
UC: yes. or in it
Moon: what else of god’s creations have they done it on because they got bored?
UC: A wolf- that was their favorite
Moon: while phasing
Moon: dude maybe rosalie and emmett’s sexual appetite is the reason we have to “save the rainforest” all along we just thought it was RUDE loggers cutting down trees when it was really rosalie and emmett getting it on
Moon: lets teach the school children THAT your boring sexy life can lead to a reforestation campaign.
UC: Thanks to Rose & Emmett.. I have all these allergies because of the over abundance of Co2. JEEZ guys
Moon: also do we think the krisbians love that they have nikki reed in the backyard doing manual labor?
UC: hahahaha the Krisbians probably petitioned Summit for this very scene!
Moon: “make her pay for what she’s done!!!”
UC: “And we don’t mean make her marry that weird guy from American Idol!”
Moon: We’re kidding here Nikki, they’re not. Congratulations Nikki Reed!
The one where Vampire’s get freaky at weddings
Moon: ok moving right along is WEDDING DAY
Moon: i have to say for the first time in 2 movies jasper doesnt look completely hideous. We’ve already established that Carlisle definitely got screwed in this one
UC: I know- Jasper looks pretty sexy… I mean… he IS about to go up Alice’s dress, so I guess it’s good he looks good while doing it. really… WHERE are his fingers?
Moon: HAHAAHAH his hands are awfully close to the “kill zone” and Carlisle’s are just starting to creep up there… is bella and edward’s wedding THAT boring??? i mean alice planned it!
UC: Well, you know who ISN’T there??
UC: Rose & Emmett….. maybe they got turned on by all the nature… that they snuck away
Moon: right, they saw a tree that needed cutting down… and a couple bushes
UC: and since they are VAMPIRES everyone else can hear it.. and since apparently they are weird & creepy… they got turned on by their family members doing it instead of disgusted
Moon: DUDE can you imagine living in that house??? this brings up a LOT of questions!!
UC: NO… SO many questions, is it time for another round of “Dear Stephenie: we have a couple questions”
* Cue a very long discussion on what else, Vampire Sex! Which we shall post next week! Tune back in!!! *
Moon: Emmett and Rosealie are probably on the other side of the aisle. cause they may like to have sex on top of tree stumps but theyre smart enough to sit far far away from the ice truck killer who is just over CARLSLE’S SHOULDER!!!
UC: hahahahhahaha still havne’t seen it- but it’s hilarious just the same
Moon: i cant even glance in that direction for that long
* Shudder *
UC: not even to fake lesbian over that pretty burnette?
Moon: nope, he’s gonna kill her anyway its all over for her in like 5 mins. save yourselves!!
The one with the foot model
Moon: back to the shoe fetish and west side story act 3
UC: Edward is about to get his nose all up in those shoes
Moon: OMG grosss!!! hahaah
UC: and they’re CLEARLY in a humid climate– look at the FRIZZ on that wig
Moon: wouldnt it be awesome if she had like totally busted feet
UC: haha they had to use a foot model
Moon: like the hand model when they show the engagement ring
Moon: ok so in eclipse when jacob is running bella up the mountain they had to use some contraption to sit kristen on cause taylor couldnt hold her that long. do we think there was some sort of contraption used here? since we know rob couldnt pick her up like this since he injured himself trying in twilight. Is no one else worried about Rob’s hernia but me??!!
Moon: TWINERD OF THE DAY AWARD RIGHT HERE!!! hand it over!!
UC: Here ya go:
Moon: thanks! i accept with great pride and 1st hand embarassement
The one where Edward has a new hobby!
Moon: meanwhile back at the ranch… we see that edward has taken up his new hobby: meat butchery
WHAT are they so mad at here? Edward spilled Bella’s cup o blood? And Bella is about to attack
Moon: yes and Jacob just found out he was ABDUCTED
UC: i’ll never see the movie- can you tell me who abducted him? his parents?
Moon: i cant…. no spoilers. i saw it in th same room as tay tay and big daddy you must see it too……. ill just say that the owner and CEO of the olive garden chain of restaurants may or may not be involved
Moon: jacob/whatever his characters name was born with the secret to the breadsticks recipe and he HAD to be killed. NO one can have that recipe except the CEO/Owner. its kinda like the Colonel’s secret recipe for KFC
The one with the super random still
Moon: and then randomly this headshot of taylor was included with these BD stills
UC: how many more are there? Ihave to go soon
Moon: WTF. we get it big daddy, hire this kid for your next movie
this is it
UC: hahaha that is SO random… he looks like TAYLOR here.. not jacob
Moon: this might also be the headshot for his abducted “missing child” poster
UC: he’s like “I know.. I knw.. I’m now the sex symbol for this movie since they painted Rob white”
Moon: his left eye is possesed! thats some demon spawn shit. i hope they have a taylor/jacob mask just like this at party city when i go to get my halloween costume next week. that will scare any child.
UC: haha I think they will. Big Daddy is SOO on top of that shit
Are we there yet???
Really, do those shoes look busted to anyone else? Why aren’t the Cullen’s butchers? That’d be the perfect guise!