Chris Weitz Porn– err pom

This begins our countdown until next week when both Moon & I enter a new stage in our jobs where we can find time for each other longer than a quick “Hi FML” for 5 minutes each day. 5 days to go…

Dear LTT,

I know, I know we’ve done the Alpaca Llama thing to death. I mean, Taylor looks like a llama! There are llama farms in Forks! Haha. So funny. But as luck would have it, an anonymous LTTer (not me, but anonymous for her or his(!) dignity’s sake) had a dream in which Chris Weitz was a Pomeranian. It was one of those Princess and the Frog type of story lines in which she or he(!) kisses the pooch and it becomes the DILF (x2 almost, btw!). The catch being that after ten seconds of the most recent human kiss, he turns back into the Pomeranian. Very awkward indeed.

When she or he told me about this dream, I knew there was only one rational response. Since I’m a good friend and really love procrastinating, I felt the only thing I could do was create, say, a minimum of five mash-ups of Chrispom (which, adorably, looks a lot like Chrisporn):

After that happened and I increased the day’s happiness levels for everyone who received the Chrispom, an email thread regarding “We should do the other directors! David Slade clearly is a naked mole rat” ensued. These were the results:

As you can see, Taylor is not the only one who can be compared to a domestic and/or wild animal to bring about happiness in one’s day.

Chrispom Forever!!!

With Kind Regards,

Team Seth

In other news, Team Seth’s letter today informed me that Alpacas=Lamas. I did not know this. I might be dumb.

Remember this from the good ol’ days?

GUYS: I’m going to the Sam Bradley/Marcus Foster show tonight. Hold me! – UC xx

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Twilight Rumors

Not a rumor- a dream

Dear Gossip hounds,

A few weeks back I got a frantic IM chat from a friend saying BREAKING NEWS: The Twilight saga ends on 11/16/2012. My immediate thought was, “Breaking? Didn’t that break months ago?” And as I thought more about it…. I don’t know. I definitely knew the Twilight Saga was wrapping in November of 2012- or maybe that was a rumor I heard once. Orrrr maybe someone in the know told me. Maybe Stephenie Meyer wrote it on a slip of paper & passed it to us under the table at the interview and we were like, “Seriously? We ask you for the Robsten audition tape so we can burn it and you give us this?” or maybe I actually didn’t know that date and just assumed that to be the case? Because that’s what Harry Potter did (and Summit realizes they should copy them since they’re kinda successful) or I’m just way too involved in this fandom that I have a sense about these kind of things. I get a tingly feeling & just know the Twi-future. Call me Alice.

Then I got to thinking- I don’t know what’s real, rumor or secretive anymore. I mean, IS it public knowledge that Ashley Greene & Joe Jonas are together? Or is that just still a rumor circulating among the gossip rags? And is it actually true or do I just want it to be true- a former Disney star with a purity ring giving it up to an up-and-coming star too beautiful to be already desperate enough to date someone born in the 90s (who just yesterday turned old enough to legally knock back a few shots before she shows him what’s underneath that painted on bathing suit)  And don’t even get me started on all the rumors we’ve been told about different Twi cast members being gay. (Some obvious, some not so obvious, some that we spent an entire weekend laughing over until we decided it couldn’t be true- or wait, could it!? Sorry- mums the word!) I mean unless it’s Rob- does anyone honestly really care? Well, maybe we’d care if we found out Taylor was too… because that would make so much sense.

So I started thinking about all the rumors I’ve heard over the past almost 2 years and I came up with quite a list…. mostly about Robsten… and people Ashley may or may not have slept with… Did I miss anything?

• 

  Why would you cheat on me? Do I look special or something?

  Rob & Nikki are together

• Rob & Kristen are hooking up behind Oregano’s back
• Kristen & Nikki are more than friends (I started that one, thank you very much)
• Nikki sold out Rob & Kristen
• Kristen is pregnant
• Ashley’s hooked up with Kellan
• Ashley’s hooked up with Jackson
• Ashley’s dating Jared from Kings of Leon (and assumingly has hooked up with him)
• Rob & Kristen are together
• Rob & Kristen are no longer together
• Rob & Kristen- BACK ON
• No one likes Nikki Reed
• Jackson hooks up with anyone & everyone
• Rob & Kristen like to hold hands
• Kellan is sticking his tongue down that Anna girl’s throat
• Taylor is with Taylor Swift
• Taylor is gay
• Justin Chon is gay
• David Slade is gay
• People still don’t like Nikki Reed. And possibly don’t like Elizabeth Reeser either
  

  Why don't people like me!?

• Peter & Jennie are swingers
• Twi (male) cast member in Vancouver put ad in Craig’s list for Asian male companionship
• Big Daddy Lautner wears a fat suit (he’s actually really in shape)
• Chris Hansen likes little boys
• Nikki Reed started a blog so that people like her
• A cat will play Edward Cullen in Breaking Dawn parts 1 & 2
• Buttcrack Santa: What does he really do with those little bottles?
• UnintendedChoice to replace Kristen Stewart as Bella in Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2 (for this rumor to be true the Edward Cullen played by a cat is not true)
• Rob & Kristen open mouth kiss before heading into house parties where dirty men’s sweatpants are considered appropriate attire.

Okay so maybe I took some creative liberties on a few rumors… but most of them I’ve honestly heard at one time or another… So all that to say, this is what I have to say about the BREAKING NEWS about Breaking Dawn Part 2 that I may or may not have already known:

“Holy Shit. I seriously have to talk about this every day for another effing 2 and 1/2 years?”

Hold me,

UnintendedChoice

Beg all you want, some rumors stay with me- but seriously… what have you heard that came true or was proved wrong? Any good rumors circulating out there right now? Was there an immaculate conception of the Robsten baby by the open mouth house party kiss? Fingers crossed!

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70 Commented

Caught in the act, the real Twilight stars stealing from the set!

Dear In Style Magazine,

I just happened to be reading a little something in your magazine  In Style about the Twilight cast and if you had to chance to gank something from the set what would it be…

Robert Pattinson – “I keep everything from the set. I’ve stolen all of Edward’s clothes.”

Elizabeth Reaser – “My original Esme bracelet. I’ve seen reproductions of it in stores, but I want to keep the one that I wear once we finish [filming]. It’s mine!”

Taylor Lautner – “All my character wears is jean shorts, so I’ll have to go with those. That’s my only option!”

Julia Jones – “Leah’s cut-offs!”

Kellan Lutz – “Emmett’s Jeep! I’ve wanted it since we shot the first movie. I keep saying that, but nothing’s happened. I’m still waiting!”

By our powers combined he is Captain Compassion!

Peter Facinelli – “Carlisle’s ring! It has the Cullen crest, the symbol of the whole family, on it. I’d like to take it home and keep it in a drawer somewhere. Once, I couldn’t get it off my finger, so it did go home with me.”

Tinsel Korey – “My relationship with everybody from set. We get along like a real family. Our relationship is special.”

Xavier Samuel – “Vampires dress really well, so it would have to be Riley’s jacket. When you run it’s a bit flamboyant, but it looks good. I recommend running in those jackets.”

Alex Meraz – “The shorts are all I’ve got! We keep using the same shorts but I keep getting bigger for each film, so the shorts keep getting tighter. By the end of the series, they’re going to be torn. Hey, sex sells and I’m glad to sell it!”

Sure, the main cast is important, we all know Rob is clepto or just super cheap and hates shopping, and of course the wolves want their jorts, who doesn’t?  And someone had to give the cheesy answer about friends (Tinsel!) but what about the real people in these movies! What about the people that REALLY matter in the Twilight world, what would THEY keep from the set?

• Dean – One of Jacob or Bella’s wigs. It’d be much easier to hide Rob in some of those shiteous wigs then a baseball cap and dirty clothes. Everyone’s looking for a dude in a hat and dirty clothes. No one’s looking for a dude with My Little Pony on his head.

• Big Daddy – that greasy bag of leftover Harry Clearwater Fish Fry from Twilight. I don’t even care if it’s a little moldy. That stuff looked good, it’s the whole reason I made Taylor bulk up and do the 2nd movie so I could have a chance at that famous fish fry.

• David Slade – “The step ladder from props”

• Solomon Trimble – “The name of that gaffer he met on set who worked part time at Subway. Solomon Trimble, Sandwich Artist. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

• Billy Burke – “Charlie handcuffs. Heh… heh… you know why.”

• Cathi Hardi – (said in the most creepy Cathi voice you can imagine) “That audition tape of Rob and Kristen from my bedroom where they kiss and we really see their hot, hot chemistry… OH WAIT I already have that! HA! Just thought I’d say it again in a national publication, it’s been at least a week since I last talked about it.”

I’ll trade you, Esme’s bracelet for 5 lbs

• Mike Welch – “I’m actually trying to lose something I gained from the set. Those 5 extra pounds around my face. Maybe I can give them to Christian Serratos, she needs some meat on her chicken bones.”

So as much as we love the main characters, can we not forget about the little people? The actors and people who REALLY made Twilight what it is today? Do we have to continue to blog for year about the genius of Eric Yorkie till someone like your magazine will know what we care what they’d steal from a set? Who cares from Rob or Taylor have to say about the inner works of their characters or who Kristen draws inspiration from. Give us crap answers from the folks that really matter.

Stealing the keys to Rob’s trailer,
Themoonisdown

What would you take from the set if you could? What would Buttcrack Santa take? Any other minor characters we need to know about?

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151 Commented

Alice & Jasper – Missed opportunity?

Oh swoon

Dear Jackson and Ashley (and sorta to Jasper and Alice by proxy),

Romeo and Juliet, Ozzy and Harriet, Jay Z and Beyonce, Burt and Ernie, Peanut Butter and Jelly, UC and Moon, Ebony and Ivory. All great couples in history, right? They are M.F.E.O. (made for each other, duh!) as Jessica from Sleepless in Seattle would say. And I feel like it might be time to add Jasper and Alice to that list.

In Eclipse you stole every scene you were in. The banter and sly looks, the half smiles, the eyes, the “ma’m’s.” It was all so golden. As we saw the flashbacks from Rosalie’s life and then Jasper’s, I was holding my breath and saying a prayer to my impromptu alter of David Slade I had erected in our aisle of the movie theater, hoping that he loved us enough to give me what I hadn’t even dreamt of hoping for: The Jasper and Alice meeting in the diner. As Jasper tells Bella about his human life, we see it play out in front of us: riding horses, lion’s mane hair under a cowboy hat, confederate army and then trickery from Maria. Then Alice approaches and Jasper relays how he walked into the diner and met Alice who told him she had been waiting for him. I just knew it would be the perfect moment to drop in a quick glimpse of what that looked life. Sadly, my hopes were too high because we got no such flashback.

So not feeling the hope in this wig

We did, however, get one of the best moments of the movie between you two as Alice tells Jasper he kept her waiting and Jasper with that (at times questionable) drawl replies “sorry to have kept you waiting, ma’m” and then the little kiss. I just melted into the seat. I loved that is panned to Bella who was looking on and then glanced away and smiled to herself. I thought that was a great little moment from Kristen that capped one of my favorite scenes.

But I’m still sad we didn’t get the catch a glimpse of the epic first meeting of Jasper and Alice. It’s no secret I’m a big Jasper/Alice fan and want nothing more than for Stephenie Meyer to take a break and write me the untold Jasper/Alice story before they met the Cullens. Who needs that crap, Midnight Sun, that NO ONE wants finished when we could have Jasper/Alice radness to read? DO IT STEPHENIE!! Or DON’T DO IT STEPHENIE if that helps you out more.

Such a missed opportunity to make this movie even better and to give us Jashley whores a little something to salivate over. Every time Jasper and Alice were on screen everyone in the audience sighed and oh-ed and aw-ed over them, so I KNOW I’m not the only would who would have jumped out of their seat for this moment to happen. BUUUTTT this just means more opportunity for it to be included in Breaking Dawn (1 or 2)!!! And with that, as Jasper said “I felt hope.”

Don’t keep me waiting,
Themoonisdown

Did you feel the same way? Did everyone around you sigh and die everytime Jasper and Alice had a moment? Died. So great. What other moments do you wish would have made the final cut?

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145 Commented

Oh heyyyy: We just saw Eclipse!

Sorry all- Eclipse is out- All spoilers ahead!!!

Dear Eclipse,

Oh heyyyy!!!

Where do we start? Do we discuss the hits versus the misses of the movie? Do we talk about all the cheesy one-liners we already know we’re going to be saying for the next year and ½ until we get some new content? Do we talk about how the only thing going through our heads every time HE came on screen was “Oh heyyyyy”

How about we talk about how we want to set up a stool, pull David Slade up on it and give him a huge hug.

Let’s talk about how we love Howard Shore for including the Sia & Metric songs throughout his score.

Let’s be proud we can show our non Twi friends this movie because it actually seems like a “real” movie.

(Let’s squee for a second over the new Harry Potter trailer and also get a little freaked out about how much they gave away!)

Let’s discuss how we got the MOTHER EFFING LEG HITCH!!!

Let’s apologize to Edward for liking the Jacob & Bella kiss a litttttle bit too much

Let’s get Jake some blotting tissues for that last scene when he looks like he’s dying of yellow fever.

For that "fresh off the Jersey Shore" look

Let’s put a call into L.A. Looks, and after thanking them for sponsoring Twilight with their donations of tubs of hair gel, ask them to move some of the allotted product for Taylor & pass it on to Rob to fix his floppy bangs.

Let’s close our eyes and picture OURSELVES as Bella in a world where the guy on the bed is so hot that the gold brocade bedding he’s laying on doesn’t even matter.

Let’s be grateful that most of the Bella/Edward getting-it-on scenes didn’t make us feel like we were watching Robsten preparing for an evening of licking cheese-whiz off each other

Let’s talk about when we can burn down the jewelry store that created Bella’s engagement ring.

Let’s “lay” with Charlie in the Biblical sense because I’m pretty sure he hasn’t gotten any since Renee left.

Let’s call up our local zoo & find out when “pet a wild wolf day” is- because those pups are CUTE! (Or we could just head back down Sunset Blvd where Moon, Mr. Choice & I saw a REAL LIFE WOLF crossing the street last night! It’s a sign. Rob loves me, obviously!)

Let’s get excited for illegal clips to surface online so we can watch Edward get all turned on and imagine we’re Bella but with good hair & a 2 karat solitary diamond ring. HELLO!

Let’s take a second and pout that no one yelled “FREE FRED,” and in fact, no chubby red-headed vampire was spotted at all.

Let’s be momentarily bummed that we didn’t get to see the scene where Alice & Jasper meet in Philadelphia but then swoon over the scene where they share a quick kiss during battle practice.

And let’s be grateful we just realized it’s 7:30 am on the east coast and you’ll all be expected a new letter live in 1/2 hour!

Oh heyyyyy:

UnintendedChoice

What did YOU THINK!????? Gah- we have so much to say. We recorded our convo with @paleochicksdigs & Mr. Choice on our ride home. I can’t wait to see it again because it all went so fast!!!! Sorry if you haven’t seen it yet- today is a day of mucho mucho spoilers!!!!

Source for pics of man who makes us say “Oh heyyyy”

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296 Commented