Just what your Christmas Tree needs

Dear Twilight merch makers,

I can see it now. It’s Christmas morning and little Jimmy sneaks down the stairs at 3 am hoping that Santa has already been there to deliver his presents. And what does he see? Is it Mommy kissing Santa underneath the mistletoe? No.. it’s Mommy staring at the tree, with the lights twinkling in her eyes as she stares at this beautiful addition to the branches:

“Mommy? Why are you staring at a man about to devour an anorexic-looking woman’s face?”

(Jimmy is very advanced for a 4 year old- knowing terms like “anorexic” & “devour”)

Oh Jimmy.. Mommy is a Twilight fan. That means Mommy’s Christmas tree will have an ornament with a scared-virgin version of Bella (in a quite beautifully replicated wedding dress, I might add) with a figurine of Edward who really looks like he wants a human snack. Someday you’ll understand little Jimmy. Someday in 25 years when you meet the woman of your dreams, Twilight is going to make a come back– and your girl will be lost staring at a figurine dangling from the branches of a pine some Christmas morning.

Cause That’s Normal.

I mean, sorta.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

HELLO: For some reason (and that reason was probably wine) a few people got the impression from this letter that we still haven’t shared the REAL reason we were together in LA last week. My bad. The real reason was seeing a few Breaking Dawn Part 2 Clips & chatting with Bill Condon. Sorry to disappoint since we already told you about that! But I didn’t want you to hold your breath (you’ve been doing that for 5 days now, right?) and think something MORE was coming. We will be able to talk more about that someday soon.. but that time is not now. Now is the time to dream of that sweet day in December (or maybe early November if I’m on top of it this year) when I can hand my new Twilight ornament on my Christmas tree)

Oh we FOUND IT at The Twilight Lexicon! Where there is a link to even more pictures (I think) if you really can’t wait until you can get this yourself at Hallmark.

ALSO: TN is coming soon, guys….. dun Dun dunnnnnn!

10 Commented

What Twilight crap I got for Christmas (aka the one where I rant about a Hallmark ornament)

One of these things is NOT like the other

Dear Hallmark Ornaments creators,

This shit is GHETTO.

Are you for realzzzz with this years ornament? Cause uh, NO.

As a connoisseur and collector of fine Hallmark ornaments (a tradition passed down to me from the lovely Mama Moon) I knew from one look that this year’s Twilight Hallmark Ornament was NOT up to par. I mean we have an entire tree dedicated to Hallmark ornaments that have been collected for us over the past 3 decades by my mom, we even have another mini tree dedicated just to the Barbie ornaments that didn’t fit on the other tree. So trust me when I say THIS is NOT a Hallmark ornament.

Let’s compare shall we??? Cause oh yes, I have last year’s Twilight ornament as well cause homie don’t play.

The 2010 Twilight Ornament

Yes, right there next to the slutty 60s Barbie we see these two… I mean look at this thing… the quality, the craftsmanship… the fully formed fingers. Bella’s in a jacket and one of her headbands. Edward’s eyes are even gold! Slam dunk for the creators and production team on this one.
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Cue 2011’s Twilight Ornament – “Eclipse”

MY EYES!!!! I know the economy is rough Hallmark but you didn’t need to result to outsourcing your production and handpainting to kindergartners. Cause this shit is ROUGH let me tell you. Let’s take a closer look shall we?
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ENHANCE!

Now while I totally appreciate the inclusion of the infamous “slutty tank top” (which if I’m not mistaken is actually from New Moon but whatever this thing is so janky, I’ll take any positives at this point) the rest of this is a total FAIL. It’s a good thing Edward is holding her (light blue, frost bitten from Edward?) hand because the other is missing about half of the thumb. Then we get up to her insane hairline… which YES was essentially a fivehead instead of a forehead because of the wig but her skin did not extend up INTO her hair… nor does her neck skin attach to her hair. Just look and poor SIMPLE looking Edward and Jacob back there… I can’t… BUT WE MUST!

ENHANCE!

All things considered Jacob isn’t THAT bad… as long as you aren’t concerned that an angry 7 year old with a bicep tatt and a rage problem from his steroid use (he is a 6 feet + tall 7 yr old after all) is hanging out with an older girl in a slutty tank and a slow looking dude who probs has a huffing problem.

then we get to Edward… poor Edward who definitely got the short end of this stick

ENHANCE!

 It’s a good thing hunchback Edward’s bleeding out of the ear that’s missing a chunk otherwise he’d hear us talking about how crazy he looks. If Edward had a molten hot body instead of ice cold I could understand why his v neck is sticking to his neck and why his denim jacket is starting to drip into his hand. BUUUT since he’s an ice cold vampire I have NO clue why this happened, other than the kindergartner’s hands got tired.
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Edward Cullen… the saddest boy/ornament in the world… Merry Christmas from half his right eyelid…

A Hallmark Ornament snob,
Themoonisdown

Did you get any Twilight related gifts this year?? I also got the BD calendar which I will happily hang in a place of honor in the closet where I can close the door… this feels like the start of a twi-losophy… hmmmm

Oh and head over to LTR where we break down our thoughts about Rob and Bel Ami

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

19 Commented

Buttcrack Santa Gifts

Dear LTTers-

Have you noticed that this year it is getting harder and harder to find Buttcrack Santa gifts? I was at Hot Topic the other day (a sentence I never thought I would ever say OR think OR type!), trying to find the perfect Buttcrack Santa gift for my sister and I kept coming up with dead ends! There was just nothing I felt was worth dishing out $30 or even $14.99 for! Good Twilight gifts are becoming harder and harder to find!

Buttcrack Santa first made his appearance at Christmas of 2009. Being avid LTT readers, my sister and I both got the giggles (yes we are 26 and 29 and we still get the giggles) when she found one of “those little bottles” in her stocking with a tag “To: Team Seth, Love: Buttcrack Santa.” Our parents and husbands stared at us blankly, waiting for an explanation. There really wasn’t a good one. We both looked at each other, turned to our judgemental group and said “its a Twilight thing, you wouldn’t understand.” And with that, the Buttcrack Santa tradition was born.

But, Buttcrack Santa gifts aren’t just for the winter holidays! This special breed of Santa can make an appearance any time of year. Buttcrack Santa made an appearance in June, right before Eclipse came out and delivered me a wonderful Eclipse watching package- complete with LTT shirt, my own jorts, a replica Bella ring and other Twilight nic-nacs! Then, last Christmas I received a wonderful “Team Jacob” t-shirt, which from the looks of the orange price tag, Santa got a very good deal on!

Unfortunately, BCS was too drunk to remember my sister’s gift last year. So this year, I am bound and determined to find the best possible BCS gift for her. This search has been hard though! The stores aren’t stocking Twilight stickers, candy and key chains like they used to! Even Barnes and Noble let me down. So, my quest drove me to the Internet, where I found some real gems.

For example, did you know that for a mere $39.99 you could be a proud owner of this set of sparkling Twilight title themed Christmas ornaments?

Or, if Breaking Dawn was your favorite, you could receive these “honeymoon” themed ornaments from Buttcrack Santa this year! Now, these seem pretty easy to make, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to go to the craft store and buy a bag of fake white feathers, so my search continued.

Buttcrack Santa gifts don’t have to be holiday themed either! In fact, they are better if they are something you can use year round- like a bracelet or other fun item for your house. A good bracelet at Hot Topic can cost you anywhere upedward (see what I did there?) of $14.99, but on etsy you can find so many other varieties! Like this “Edward” handmade beaded bracelet!

Or this replica of Bella’s graduation present!

I prefer my BCS gifts to be a little more subtle however, which is why I bypassed all the wonderful creations on etsy and hopped on over to my local 5 Below. This was my last ditch effort to find the perfect Twilight gift before I hit up Michael’s to buy some feathers and a silver paint pen. Thankfully I hit the very small jackpot there, but I can’t share what I bought or Team Seth will know her gift ahead of time! I will say this: the gift is a small token of Twilight love and vampire appreciation and cost below $5 (hence the name) which is absolutely perfect for BCS’s budget. These gifts don’t have to be big or expensive, just something to give us a little reminder of the joint love of something that gave us many laughs and good times together and some great inside jokes. Buttcrack Santa is the little bit of Twilight holiday spirit in all of us LTTers.

I hope the spirit of Buttcrack Santa has inspired all of you to start your own BCS gift exchange! And although good Twilight gifts are becoming fewer and farther between, I can only hope this tradition with my sister continues for years to come!

Happy Holidays and Little Bottles to All and to all a good night!
-“Rachel B”

Rachel is right! We used to find SO many GREAT (ahem) “Buttcrack Santa” gifts every year- Etsy was FULL of the best, and now…. they are SO few & far between! I mean, there is the “Harry’s World Famous Fish Fry” Moon sent me for our 3 year anniversary (for real), but nothing Buttcrack Santa would REALLY be proud of. Have YOU seen anything?

You know who sells the PERFECT “Buttcrack Santa” gifts? (I bet you’ll never guess) We do. In the LTT/LTR Store. Stock up for the Holidays. All of them!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

43 Commented

Oh It’s that time of Year! New LTT T-shirts!

Dear LTTers,

We’re so HAPPY to announce that we have new fashion for you to wear proudly for the Breaking Dawn season! You can put your embarrassing out-of-date Eclipse, New Moon & Twilight fashion away & impress the crowds with these new babies:

Breaking Headboards: If they do it onscreen, does it mean it’s real?

Forget your college sports wear this Fall football season, it’s Robsten-time

And of course we’d never forget you Nonstens! Robsten isn’t real! Denying it since 2008

What’s the theme for this year’s Breaking Dawn craziness? Um, all of the above?! #BreakingHeadboards2011

And we’re REALLY hitting our theme home with yet another Breaking Headboards 2011 design

And my personal favorite from the 2011 Collection: The Cullen’s Don’t go to Tiffany’s

In case the newest designs are too couture for you, but you really want something new for this year’s events, might I suggest a few pieces from past collections that are destined to be classics in any girls (or mans or child’s) wardrobe?

Moantreal: Where the magic happens

Alpaca Farm: Those animals love jorts

And how about a little something to wear to the Pattinson Family Reunion?

With all these options we are certain you will be the most stylish fan at your midnight showing, hottest host at your premiere party with friends, best looking mom showing up to a PTA meeting mere hours before the movie releases or least-creepy looking Holy Trinity stalker in LA in a month!

Shop LTT Fashion now!

PS: Thanks to the ever amazing @Snowwhitedriftd for the AWESOME new designs!!!

PS: It was posted later in the day yesterday, but don’t you dare miss Moon’s hilarious LTT letter!

Hot Tip: Occasionally hear an ad auto-playing? Mute works on the videos!

12 Commented

Breaking Dawn is trying to sell us something else

Dear Breaking Dawn Promo stuff,

Sometimes I get the feeling you are trying to sell me more than just the movie. Like when I look at the promo pictures it feels like there’s really an underlying message or brand I’m being sold. It’s as if the Summit Marketing team got together to come up with some ideas for “brand partnerships” to create “film and corporate synergy.” Yea, I’m pretty sure the word “synergy” was used a lot… So when I saw this latest batch of promo headshots from Breaking Dawn I knew I had to be onto something…
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Poor dude who plays Caius, with every movie he loks progressively more and more like Fabio. They might as well just give him a tub of butter to hold while he’s sitting behind Aro in the Voltera, Italy scenes and help make some extra money with product placement.

Charley Bewley is like one faux hawk and guy liner fueled make up and hair session away from his own Ed Hardy ad campaign. Poor guy, it’s not like he wants a rhinestrone tiger havng sex with a Koi fish on his chest, give the guy a break folks.
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Carlisle’s not just the president, he’s also a member!

Dude, Carlisle is already winning the race for worst wig in Breaking Dawn and we haven’t even seen the film yet. YIKES.
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Sure, most of Kellan’s life has been spent looking like an outtake from International Male Catalogue but we don’t need the official promo shots reminding everyone! Though I’m pretty sure Emmett did some Internantional Male Modeling in the 80s, I don’t want to see his mesh shirt collection any times soon.

(For a good time google image search “International Male Catalogue”)
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Why does Edward ALWAYS end up looking like an Insurance salesmen/Real Estate broker/Weatherman/Boringest Person In the World??? How is it possible to make Robert Pattinson look like the dad across the street? Stop trying so hard Wardrobe Dept! We know he’s 107 years old, we’re supposed to be tricking the dumb Forks, WA townspeople not making a neon sign pointing to this guy saying “This guy could be your great grandpa not your son’s classmate!”
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Sorry Alice… Sorry Twimoms but COME ON! Though I feel this latest incarnation of Alice’s hair is probably closeted to how Stephenie describes it, it still looks like she should be loading up orange slices and Capri Suns into the mini van.
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While Emmett was busy modeling for International Male in the 80s, Jasper deciding to make some extra dough moonlighting at the local Chippendale’s club. Doing that face the entire time. Just that face, some cuffs and a g string. All night long. Try not to laugh. When Chippendale’s went belly up because of a Bachlorette party done awry Jasper made the move to modeling heinous man jewelry for Hot Topic. They already have replica Bella saint bracelets, the wedding ring and Alice’s velvet choker (!!!) why not take the next step and offer the small male contingency who loves Twilight some Jasper jewelry? I know what I’m getting The Font and White Yorkie for Christmas! Terrible  jewelry!!!

Am I the only one who feels this way about some of these promo’s? Maybe I should be hired by Summit to oversee Brand Synergy! Clearly, I have a knack for what’s happening.

Off to Chipendales!
Themoonisdown

Why do they always look so crazy? Do you guys feel the same way?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

25 Commented