A sincere (about 97%) letter to Taylor Lautner

Dear Taylor,

Can I do a thing we never do with you? No no no not take you down to Chris Hansen’s office & turn ourselves in. I mean talk to you girl to man for a sec without bringing up Olive Garden [except to say that Mr. Choice went there last week because he was wooed by their “two entrees for $12.95” special and was pretty disappointed to learn that the Tuscan Training every chef goes through is actually a conference room rented in a strip mall off a highway in Italy that a regional manager gets to go to every 5 years.] And I won’t even bring up Big Daddy Lautner (but where ARE you Daniel?)

Remember when you looked like this?

and sounded like Kermit the frog when you said “Scary Story?”

Well….. something changed. You almost lost your job. And then you fought to earn your place. Armed with little baggies of meat

And did you ever.

The awkward kid with the boy voice & karate-chop moves turned into a ripped man with terribly guido-esque gelled hair. (Who seems to still hold on to those Karate Chop moves…)

But it was a start. After the baggies of body enhancing drugs meat did their thing & you solidified your role as THE Jacob Black, you continued to blossom.

You started drinking more water without your shirt:

And now you wear shirts with polarizing messages:

(pretty sure that’s photoshopped FYI)

And you landed the cover of GQ

Probably the first virgin ever to do so

You could’ve looked like this:

But instead you look like this:

TAYLOR WITH A WOLF! I GET IT!

You know you’ve made it when you are the butt of everyone’s joke:

And someone carves the fat version of you into a pumpkin:

What I’m trying to say is, Taylor: I’m glad you ate those baggies of meat-roids. I’m glad you fought for your right to be dumped by the girl you love and fall in love with her half-human child when it was still a baby. I’m glad you mentioned liking the Olive Garden one time so that we could make it out to be the only place you ever eat (it is, right?) And I’m glad your dad could beat up any Edward-Cullen sized guy who tried to steal the girl you love in real life. All while eating the entire stock of his local McDonald’s breakfast menu. You did it. You ARE Jacob Black. And I’m not sure I ever told you I thought so. I’m not sure I ever really admitted it until now.

Warm fuzzies forever,
UnintendedChoice

Something I learned while doing research for something other than pictures of Taylor & Olive Garden is that there are Jacob & Bella Fan Vids:

Try not to cry during this one kids.. and cry over the emotion, not just his terrible DEP-gel filled hair:

When did you realize Taylor WAS Jacob Black?

Thanks to our pals at Adventures in Twilighting for finding that fat Taylor pumpkin! Hilarious

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Chris Weitz Porn– err pom

This begins our countdown until next week when both Moon & I enter a new stage in our jobs where we can find time for each other longer than a quick “Hi FML” for 5 minutes each day. 5 days to go…

Dear LTT,

I know, I know we’ve done the Alpaca Llama thing to death. I mean, Taylor looks like a llama! There are llama farms in Forks! Haha. So funny. But as luck would have it, an anonymous LTTer (not me, but anonymous for her or his(!) dignity’s sake) had a dream in which Chris Weitz was a Pomeranian. It was one of those Princess and the Frog type of story lines in which she or he(!) kisses the pooch and it becomes the DILF (x2 almost, btw!). The catch being that after ten seconds of the most recent human kiss, he turns back into the Pomeranian. Very awkward indeed.

When she or he told me about this dream, I knew there was only one rational response. Since I’m a good friend and really love procrastinating, I felt the only thing I could do was create, say, a minimum of five mash-ups of Chrispom (which, adorably, looks a lot like Chrisporn):

After that happened and I increased the day’s happiness levels for everyone who received the Chrispom, an email thread regarding “We should do the other directors! David Slade clearly is a naked mole rat” ensued. These were the results:

As you can see, Taylor is not the only one who can be compared to a domestic and/or wild animal to bring about happiness in one’s day.

Chrispom Forever!!!

With Kind Regards,

Team Seth

In other news, Team Seth’s letter today informed me that Alpacas=Lamas. I did not know this. I might be dumb.

Remember this from the good ol’ days?

GUYS: I’m going to the Sam Bradley/Marcus Foster show tonight. Hold me! – UC xx

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Breaking Dawn Red Carpet: Behind the Scenes

REMINDER: There are 4 auto-play video ads that play sometimes throughout the day. Find them & Mute them (hit the volume button) They will stay muted. Two on the side (or directly below this post) and two all the way at the bottom!

Dear Twilight,

While Moon was busy holding the golden mic & being felt up by a D-lister Red Carpet guest (yes that happened. No, she won’t let me tell you who in fear that one day he’ll be an A-lister and somehow desirable), I was in the “other” corner of the carpet, holding down the LTT fort & getting the Behind the Scenes scoop. This basically means I got to wonder FIRST why the likes of Heather Locklear & Seth Green were there. (Still wondering)

I'm told she's a Kardashian relative

By the time the red carpet attendees got down by me, they had gone through two rows of fans, all the photographers & then the International press. The spot was where they relaxed before going into “major” press interviews. And by “major” I, of course, mean that one 16 year old Kardashian half-sister who was filling in for Ryan Seacrest. The spot is also where the handlers & dates of the celebs congregated while the interviews were being conducted. It was also like a C-list celeb meat market. Everyone was hugging everyone & I can only assume they all knew each other because once they were bad guys or murder victims on the same CSI episode. If I knew who half the people were it would have been fascinating.

Highlights:

• Getting my picture with the most important celeb on the carpet

• When the crowd thinned a bit, I decided to have a snack. Since I snack like a 3 year old, I pulled a sandwich bag filled with Goldfish crackers out of my Chanel bag. And proceeded to do what I do every time I eat Goldfish crackers. Drop them. If you’re wondering if an orange baked cracker blends in on a dark black carpet, the answer is no.

• Finding out that a certain cast member of a certain movie couldn’t pay his rent last month

• Seeing Nikki Reed run away from International Press to give her husband, Paul, a big hug, before running back for more interviews. It was adorable. So adorable I thought it deserved a piano ballad:

• When Jackson came over, the person to my left got a picture with him and so did the person to my right. When he looked at me wondering if I was going to ask for a picture too, I just smiled and contemplated giving him a high-five or asking to stroke his velvet suit.

• Seeing first-hand how little moments that happen can change into these big, fabricated or exaggerated stories. There is this rumor floating around that Kristen and her publicist got in a fight on the carpet & she RIPPED the sharpie out of her publicists hand and ran over to her adoring fans. I caught that moment on film & if talking means fighting & taking a marker your publicist is handing you is RIPPING it from her hands, then yes, that’s exactly what happened:

Sadlights

• No Big Daddy in sight

• Rob didn’t fall in love with me when he was mere inches from my face. I think he saw the goldfish crackers stuck in my teeth

• Taylor gave the International press a thumbs up instead of me

• Kristen didn’t throw anything in my face. Neither did a crazed Krisbian on an initiation mission. I was even wearing my “Kristen-hater” Sign* Sigh.. there’s always next year

• It was sooo cold. Not just California-cold, but winter jacket cold. And my short lace dress (and no tights) was NOT keeping the warmth in.

• I left that night still holding the grenade I was gonna throw at Bruno Mars. I never saw him come down the carpet.

It was incredible night- one I could go on about for hours & hours, but I’ll just leave you with this montage of the random, the weird, the great & the pretty: The REAL Red Carpet:

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Yep- just noticed a misspelling in the above video. Too late to care. Oh well! It’ll be a contest. First person to spot the mistake gets a fake prize —-> a photoshoot in Carlisle’s Breaking Dawn wig. Lucky you.

*This is false. I left my sign at home**
**Also false. It’s at my office ***
***Do you get it now? We don’t have a Kristen-hater sign****
****It’s a Build board we took out on the 101. Too bad Nokia line is off the 110*****
*****I could go all day….******
******In case you’re new: All of that is false.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

56 Commented

The time I wanted Jacob (or maybe I was ill)

Dear Jacob,

Something happened yesterday. I was listening to the Breaking Dawn Part 1 Soundtrack on Spotify, chatting with my pal, Marah, when I had an epiphany:

I'm sick. I think I'm attracted to Jacob

Marah: this soundtrack is kinda sappy. I mean, i don’t know what i expected but yeah
UC: I like the latter half.. it’s just.. so….so poppy
Marah: i’m going to assume the christina perri was written for the movie
UC: the wedding scene. the first dance? It’s SCREAMING that. Also: I feel like i might be really attracted to jacob in this movie . that is odd for me to say. i will write about this tomorrow.
Marah: oh my god seriously???
UC: i have no idea why
Marah: that’s horrifying
UC: i mean.. i think i have a fever right now. so maybe that’s why I’m saying this… but I also think it’s cuz.. well, Edward is all married.. he’s not attainable… and Jacob is… I could reach into the movie screen, grab him & make him mine. this is very weird… I’m feeling very weird
Marah: but YOU are married! and jacob is… icky
UC: i think i definitely have a fever. right? like.. this is the fever talking?? i mean.. i think right now, looking at my Spotify account.. streaming Breaking Dawn… seeing Edward & Bella all cozied up.. with Jacob alone.. he kinda looks like Damon from Vampire diaries.. the odd one out… the hot one i want…and i’m pretty sure THAT’s why I’m saying this.. cuz.. I couldn’t possibly.. right? like.. i don’t want jacob, right?
Marah: have you looked at his face? he’s no damon
UC: i think maybe i’m just looking at his muscles. and they FOR SURE have him standing on a box, so he looks so tall. like he’s standing on a big ass box.
Marah: i think there’s no way to like taylor lautner. like we can assign rob depth or whatever and he kind of backs it up. like ok maybe he would be okay to talk to, but taylor…I can’t make a distinction between Taylor & Jacob. And what’s to like about jacob?
UC: i don’t mean I’m into TAYLOR. ew. that’s icky. I just mean jacob. I kinda want jacob right now. Or my fever does….and i know taylor IS jacob, but i’d like to forget that for a moment and live in this fantasy where jacob is someone like Damon or… i dunno some other dark haired bad ass… {even though I think Taylor is a good jacob. a nice jacob. i never needed to be attracted to jacob.) Maybe it’s Rob’s Insurance man clothes. I mean Edward’s

So…. is it my fever? (Yes it will be gone before I come snuggle with you on Saturday, Moon) or am I on to something here? I know there is a HUGE group of people on Team Jacob. I know there are  HUGE group of people on Team TAYLOR.  I’ve never been one of those people. But Edward seems so…. married. And a BIG fan of Brooks Brothers. And I guess… I just feel kinda bad for Jacob. I mean, I know, I know.. he gets the baby eventually (yuck rephrasing- when she’s a big GROWN girl) but in the meantime, he’s one sad puppy.

And I want to cuddle with sad puppies. Maybe let them lick my face. Maybe they can spend the night at the foot of my bed.

Wow.. I really DO have a fever don’t I?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

So.. is it the fever talking?  Am I switching Teams? Am I just looking for something new? Has Edward lost his allure since he’s all hitched & stuff so I’m on the one I can’t have? And EW I’m talking about JACOB here… not Taylor. Let’s make sure to remember there is a difference (in my head!)

Still looking for something to wear to the Breaking Dawn Midnight showing? Might we suggest this beautiful design from the LTT/LTR Store? Wigs are still a hot topic with Breaking Dawn. Have you SEEN the pictures of Carlisle Cullen? War of the Wigs Tshirts & More (Ps- find some discount codes here)

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

32 Commented

Storytime with Moon: We Got Abducted With Taylor Lautner

Come watch me get Abducted!

Dear Taylor,

I’m gonna tell you and all my LTT and BreakingDawnMovie.org friends about that time I went to the Abduction premiere and saw you and your new movie. But first can I just say every time I hear the title “Abduction” is makes me think of the abductor equipment at the gym which looks like a medieval torture devices for your downstairs area and that makes me wonder if you think about that since you’re so well acquainted with the gym and then I start thinking about downstairs areas and then… well, never mind let’s just get on with the story…

The lovely Lionsgate let me go to the Abduction premiere to represent for some of your favorite fans sites namely BreakingDawnMovie.org and duh, LTT. So, this a spring in my step and an iphone in hand I ran off to Hollywood and Highland with the hopes of seeing TayTay and his new movie… and not so secretly Big Daddy aka Daniel Lautner our personal LTT hero and favorite.

(as always click all pics to enlarge)

So there were a couple snafu’s with the will call line and like every fan site they invited there kinda got forgotten about BUT the Lionsgate team tried to wrangle us a decent spot to bring you action. Please forgive some heads and whatnot in the shots as we were behind some folks…

Namely Candle Crown Birthday Girl. So I’m sure it really made this girls birthday to be at the Abduction premiere and see Taylor and whatever but even though I’m pretty tall, was wearing heels, on a step and practically hanging off a stop sign/scaffolding her DUMB candle crown hat got in pretty much EVERY PHOTO. So thanks, Candle crown hat birthday girl for having a birthday and forcing us all to celebrate with you. Forever. Via these images.

We settled in to wait for Taylor because I mean who else in the movie were we really there to support? This isn’t Letters to Alfred Molina or Breaking Dawn and Lilly Collins Movie.org BUT we were pleasantly surprised… cause who would just happen to step onto the black carpet but Seth Clearwater himself, aka BooBoo Stewart and of course the sister Fievel. Like the mouse who goes west. Cute lil BooBoo even came over to sign some stuff for the fans…

I won’t even tell you what things I had to yell to get him to do what happened next… those are things for Chris Hanson to question me about later…

So clearly I haven’t gotten the hang of this whole video thing because I don’t even have the blasted thing rolling to catch what he said at the beginning. But I’m pretty sure he all loves us and sends all of Robs love to us and promises we can all marry Rob and have his babies… or maybe he just says hi, but whatever same diff.

Then a ton of Disney Channel stars walked by whom I guess are like a thing judging by the way the kids around me reacted. So if that sorta deal is your thing than I’m told it’s some kids from Awkward and Smash Hits? I’m sure I just showed how old I am by totally calling them the wrong titles. OH WELLS moving on…

Oh heeeeey Sigourney Weaver whom I only got this shot of because Crown Candle Hat Birthday Girl was too busy freaking out over a Disney star…

The following photo and video should really be accompanied by this music, no seriously. Ok, maybe not but still.

So who do I see coming down the carpet but Mr. Chris Weitz himself! Of course I like yell out CHRIS! CHRIS! And everyone around me had NO idea. Thank God Alison from Twifans.com was by me and totally got it! She yelled that they loved A Better Life  and that made him very happy, and because I am that person I yelled that I was from East LA and that reeled him in you guys! Echo Park FTW!  So I asked him to say hi to you guys here at LTT and thiiiiis happened…

(crank up the volume)

Since of course I am specially able-d with the camera I missed like the beginning but he says something to you all and then… “thank you, thank you very much for being kind to me, and not making fun of me too much… bye bye” The wave, lolzforever yall. Also, please ignore my valley girl sounding voice. Yikes!

HAHAHAHA YOU GUISE, it’s like he knows us or something. Us, make fun of someone?! NEVER! Ok, always. Like, every day.

You can stop the Dreamweaver music now because the best part of this whole thing is over and because your coworkers probably think you’re even weirder today. Ok, I kid but what happened next was probably one of the weirder/awesome moments I’ve had at a Twi-related event because who should walk like 2 feet behind us and avoid the carpet all together but Justin Bieber. The HALE? We just thought the screams were for Taylor arriving or something but no, Taylor was not there it was the Biebs and all the Bieblievers lost.their.shit. yall! It was pretty awesome. Witness the blurry side of his head:

Then who would just happen to slink in a few feet behind him??? Yup, Selena Gomez. No need to hide if from us kids, we ALL know. Though it did make me long for these days… I was also secretly hoping that Taylor Swift would make an appearance and Swiftner would be reunited but it wasn’t meant to be folks…. maybe some day…

FINALLY Taylor Lautner shows up… and the girls rejoiced…

Let me just tell you this boy was there to WERK and work he did… all up and down the fans (except right in front of us HRMPH), the press, the fans ACROSS the street and back around for the press again all while people chanted his name. It was pretty cute to see him at his OWN movie premiere without any of the Twilight stuff involved… I mean like besides us… and everyone else, but you know what I’m saying…

Why yes, I still eat meat patties and sweet potatoes every day. In fact I have a baggie full with me now, in my suit pocket.

During this time three things happened…

Wilmer Valderramer showed up. I KNOW. Maybe he’s a huge Taylor fan, or loves free popcorn and movies, or maybe he just needed to talk to the girl from Reelz Channel but for whatever reason whilst Taylor was doing his thing with the cameras Wilmer decided to walk the carpet.

Then who would walk behind us but BILL CONDON! I mean all we were missing were David Slade and Cathi Hardi and the whole family would have been there.

The other thing that happened during this time was that I spotted Big Daddy aka Daniel Lautner on the way far other end of the carpet. You can cue up that Dreamweaver song again now… he was like a vision… in a white shirt from Men’s Big N Tall, black pants, hair buzzed and looking ready to eat some free popcorn and see the movie he produced. But sadly, this is where the tale ends because Big Daddy walked right to the theater and out of our lives. Ok, stop the music again. SADNESS my friends. SADNESS.

Good thing this guy was still around for us to look at… and let me just say ladies (and gheys) he’s all growns up and looking goooood. Blue suit, tailored just right, the hairs appeared to be kinda combed to the side. All I’m saying is I’m glad I don’t need to be running to Georgia after every Taylor post I do anymore. Whatta guy.

So things were winding down and we decided to head inside so we could get our seats and see what all the fuss was about. After director John Singleton introduced the movie and waxed poetic about Taylor (and Big Daddy) they started the film.

I don’t want to give away any spoilers but it is a very fun movie that we had a REALLY great time watching. Sure there were some lines here and there that had us laughing for other reasons but at this point I feel like they’re just putting those in there for us. If you don’t have plans this weekend or want to pull a double feature with Drive, you could definitely take your boyfriend, or your hubs or your gay and go see Abduction because there is a ton of action and butt kicking and bombs (in ovens). But really just take your girlfriends because who wants to have to explain why Taylor doesn’t have his shirt on or why their make out scene is hotter than anything we’ve seen in Twilight. I kid you not. ENJOY!

I leave you with this…

I was abducted?!

The End!
Themoonisdown

Special Thanks To: Lionsgate, Will and BreakingDawnMovie.org for letting us rep them and “abduct” their Twitter feed for the night and the cast and black carpet attendees for stopping by to say hello!

Ok, so talk amongst yourselves… Abduction, you going to see it? Do we love growns up Taylor? Do we love Chris Weitz even more?

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89 Commented