Twilosophy – Emmett & Rosalie – just the muscle of the Cullen Family or so much more?

Dear Twilight,

I’ve been thinking… on the heels of the whole cell phone post I’ve been going back to the basics of Twilight… some Twilight origins posts if you will. So today we pose the question: do Emmett and Rosalie feel worthless since they have no special powers like the others? Edward can read minds, Alice can see the future, Jasper can change and effect moods, Bella has the crazy mind shield thing, Carlisle has a super vampire resistance to blood and well Esme… she’s married to him so she’s ok.

Hey guys, does anyone need their car fixed? Or maybe a log moved?

But what about poor Rosalie and Emmett… are they just the muscle of the Cullen family? Hauling logs before the wedding. Chasing after James. Keeping the cars maintained and installing stereos. Basically Emmett and Rosalie are the ex Best Buy employees the Cullens agreed to let live with them just because they’re handy around the house. Maybe this is why Rosalie is really so sully… after all these years she’s tired of the rest of the Cullens reading her mind or predicting her future or just plain out doing her. It really has nothing to do with the fact that Carlisle made her into a vampire when she was dying… and really talk about ungrateful.

Imagine if Em and Rose ever showed up in Voltera… Aro would be like “wait, who are you guys? Oh the Cullen’s hired help…. Yea well good luck with whatever… we don’t have any openings right now but we’ll keep you in mind.” Ya know the old don’t call us we’ll call you routine.

Let me get my wig on straight first THEN I'll tell you what I think

I posed the question to a few friends as we sat around talking with New Moon playing in the background… cause that’s something we do on a Sunday afternoon in LA. Right. One friend said isn’t Rosalie’s power being really beautiful? Um, while I’m sure that statement is more loaded and requires a totally different post that I can tackle today, I’m going to go with a NO. Her beauty has never gotten them out of a jam (or into one) the way say Alice’s power to see the future has. But maybe it’s her ability to be both lioness/mama bear while being vulnerable and able to tell the truth? If anyone’s the first to speak the truth, it’s Rosalie Hale. You wanna know if Rosalie thinks this whole Bella as Edward’s girlfriend is a good idea? Rosalie’s gonna tell you. You pondering major life decisions like whether to become a vampire or stay a fragile, killable human? Rosalie’s gonna tell you. You wanna know why your boyfriend’s “sister” resents your presence in her family? Rosalie’s gonna tell you.

Don't worry Edward, Emmett got this!

Then we talked about how Emmett was super strong but that’s not really a super power because they’re vampires, they’re all really strong. One friend also pointed out that Emmett is such a dope he probably doesn’t even know he’s not super special like Edward or Alice. But what about his courage? Is Emmett the reverse cowardly lion of the Cullen’s? It seems like anytime the shit goes down, Emmett is the first to jump in the mix and really that’s pretty invaluable in the grand scheme of life. Tracker going after Bella? Emmett’s got this. Werewolves out to attack the Cullen’s? Emmett’s got this. Carlisle needs to go feed before Bella gives birth and the Werewvoles need distracting? Emmett’s got this. Victoria on the lose and needs hunting down? Emmett’s got this. Bella needs to test her newborn vampy strengths? Emmett’s got this.

So really, I guess those ARE their super powers… they may not be as obvious as the rest of the Cullen’s but when a situation is gettin’ REAL real I want Emmett and Rosalie there… who else could reluctantly rub up on a tree in your jacket and make it look sexy?

We got this!
Themoonisdown

Have you ever thought about that? Did SMeyer just run out of ideas for Emmett and Rosalie or was it all part of the plan?

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Breaking Dawn is trying to sell us something else

Dear Breaking Dawn Promo stuff,

Sometimes I get the feeling you are trying to sell me more than just the movie. Like when I look at the promo pictures it feels like there’s really an underlying message or brand I’m being sold. It’s as if the Summit Marketing team got together to come up with some ideas for “brand partnerships” to create “film and corporate synergy.” Yea, I’m pretty sure the word “synergy” was used a lot… So when I saw this latest batch of promo headshots from Breaking Dawn I knew I had to be onto something…
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Poor dude who plays Caius, with every movie he loks progressively more and more like Fabio. They might as well just give him a tub of butter to hold while he’s sitting behind Aro in the Voltera, Italy scenes and help make some extra money with product placement.

Charley Bewley is like one faux hawk and guy liner fueled make up and hair session away from his own Ed Hardy ad campaign. Poor guy, it’s not like he wants a rhinestrone tiger havng sex with a Koi fish on his chest, give the guy a break folks.
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Carlisle’s not just the president, he’s also a member!

Dude, Carlisle is already winning the race for worst wig in Breaking Dawn and we haven’t even seen the film yet. YIKES.
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Sure, most of Kellan’s life has been spent looking like an outtake from International Male Catalogue but we don’t need the official promo shots reminding everyone! Though I’m pretty sure Emmett did some Internantional Male Modeling in the 80s, I don’t want to see his mesh shirt collection any times soon.

(For a good time google image search “International Male Catalogue”)
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Why does Edward ALWAYS end up looking like an Insurance salesmen/Real Estate broker/Weatherman/Boringest Person In the World??? How is it possible to make Robert Pattinson look like the dad across the street? Stop trying so hard Wardrobe Dept! We know he’s 107 years old, we’re supposed to be tricking the dumb Forks, WA townspeople not making a neon sign pointing to this guy saying “This guy could be your great grandpa not your son’s classmate!”
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Sorry Alice… Sorry Twimoms but COME ON! Though I feel this latest incarnation of Alice’s hair is probably closeted to how Stephenie describes it, it still looks like she should be loading up orange slices and Capri Suns into the mini van.
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While Emmett was busy modeling for International Male in the 80s, Jasper deciding to make some extra dough moonlighting at the local Chippendale’s club. Doing that face the entire time. Just that face, some cuffs and a g string. All night long. Try not to laugh. When Chippendale’s went belly up because of a Bachlorette party done awry Jasper made the move to modeling heinous man jewelry for Hot Topic. They already have replica Bella saint bracelets, the wedding ring and Alice’s velvet choker (!!!) why not take the next step and offer the small male contingency who loves Twilight some Jasper jewelry? I know what I’m getting The Font and White Yorkie for Christmas! Terrible  jewelry!!!

Am I the only one who feels this way about some of these promo’s? Maybe I should be hired by Summit to oversee Brand Synergy! Clearly, I have a knack for what’s happening.

Off to Chipendales!
Themoonisdown

Why do they always look so crazy? Do you guys feel the same way?

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A letter to the Cullens, Corner shop owners:

From time to time I forget about the Cullens. In a world of Rob and Robsten and Taysten and Big Daddy, it’s easy to forget we actually liked the Cullens first. But this letter reminded me today of those vampires we all fell for so very long ago:

Dear Cullen family,

Every once in a while I drive by your corner market and deli. I know it’s yours because

1. you named it after yourself.
2. I think you probably have a little entrepreneurial spirit in you.
3. It makes perfect sense that you’d move from Forks to Portland Oregon – stay where the weather suits you… and
4. You like to keep a low profile and what’s lower than a corner grocery in a somewhat seedy part of town?

What I’ve been wondering is who’s minding the store? (No, I’ve never stopped in to see. I’m not sure about the neighborhood and, more importantly, how would I explain my reaction to my daughters and husband if Edward happened to be behind the counter? I’m just pretending that my husband doesn’t think I’m crazy already.)

I went through each person in your family, debating on who I’m most likely to run into:

Run the family business? No way! I'm too busy being a Doctor & having very unfortunate hair

Carlisle – Well obviously, no.  I mean you’re busy as a Dr. I’d be more likely to run into you at my job at the hospital (oh please, please come sauntering through my door in your white lab coat a la Twilight!)

Esme – There’s no way. As you can see, the building has no architectural integrity to it whatsoever. If you ever got close to it I’m sure it would be much more aesthetically pleasing. I mean, there are bars on the windows and the paint on the sign is chipping away!

Jasper – While you would be helpful in soothing the minds of all the potential armed robbers that come waltzing through the doors I think that trying to control all of those out of control emotions would eventually overwhelm you. Then we’d have a highly trained soldier with a nervous breakdown who also happens to like to snack on human blood on our hands. Low profile gone. Why don’t you stay away from that store Jasper, just a friendly suggestion.

You should have SEEN the customer's outfits today, Bella. There was flannel & pull-overs and... oh... you would've fit right in...

Alice – Well, you could definitely have everyone’s purchases bagged and ready for them when they walked through the door but I think that having to face all of those poorly dressed customers would drive you crazy. So there, you and Jasper both gone crazy – I think we’ve established that neither one of you should get anywhere near that place.

Edward – Oh how I wish you were tending the store, Edward. But then again, maybe not. I might be embarrassed to have you see what I’m purchasing and, since you can read minds, there’s no way I could sneak that emergency pack of tampons in with the random gum, milk and motor oil I’m piling on the counter to distract you. Plus, I just don’t think you could hold it together with all of the customers coming in and out with their mundane and pedestrian thoughts assaulting you all day. You’d definitely lose your cool and toss one out the front door.

Bella – Well, to put it simply, if Edward wasn’t there you’re certainly not going to be there! Not that I can blame you.  Plus, you’ve already worked retail at Newton’s Outfitters so I think you’ve put in your customer service time. Whew, you dodged a bullet!

Rosalie – Are you kidding? There’s no way in hell you’d be caught dead working retail at Barneys, much less some disgusting little corner store that serves the sweaty and uncouth masses. I don’t even know why you’re on this list of considerations!

I give them one look at these abs and the customers buy extra cans of Spam!

Emmet – Yep, it’s totally you, isn’t it? You’re gregarious and big. Perfect for laughing and joking so that the gawkers become repeat customers and the potential robbers are scared away since they know you’d totally kick their ass. You’ve probably made friends with half the locals by this time, haven’t you? In fact, you’re probably having so much fun that someone needs to keep you in line. Oh! So Rosalie is there! Sorry Rose. That’s what happens when you fall for a big goof. Just stay in the back and don’t rip out anyone’s throat ok? You’ll have to move on in a few more years and hopefully it’ll just fade into a bad memory.

Well, I’ve figured it out…Now I just have to figure out how to hold it together when I make an impromptu visit and not blow your cover.

Thinking about what kind of sandwich I might order from the deli,

Sarah

Of COURSE I googled this place and of COURSE they have a Yelp page & turns out Sarah was wrong about all of the above. According to one reviewer, the guy running the place is “an over-reacting Asian.” I’m guessing college didn’t work out for Eric Yorkie & The Cullen’s hired him to run their family biz. BIG Thumbs up to the first person who writes a Cullen’s Corner Yelp Review and mentions THE Cullens!

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Friday Funny, I mean Friday Sad, Kellan Lutz’ Flop at the Box Office…

Dear Kellan Lutz,

Uh oh. You haven’t had the best week, have you? Not only did your limited-release (meaning 1 theater near your mom’s house plus DVD) movie, “Love, Wedding, Marriage” only make 1.4 million, but it currently has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. ZERO PERCENT.

I mean I saw the trailer:

(please don’t be surprised that there is a comment on this video from xXtwlight4evaXx who says “i want mandy moore and shane west to do another movie together!!! A walk to remember was amazing<3”)

Things I do: Cheat on the real Chuck Bass & star in bad movies

While I love great films, I’m not really a movie snob. I love me a good romantic chick flick (hello I’m a Twilight blogger). But this DOES look pretty bad- I mean Jessica Szohr is in it (yuck), Mandy Moore hasn’t been good since “A Walk to Remember” and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t actually good then & I was just blinded by love for Shane West. And you playing a grown man in love is….. well, let’s just say you may still need a few years before that’s believable. I don’t care that you have an 8-pack. Which is obviously why you were hired.

But again, it doesn’t look like it deserves 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. I mean, I MIGHT watch it on a long plane ride after taking a nap, reading a book & when the battery runs out on my iPad. I could possibly turn it on when it’s free On Demand and I’m sick on the couch. I might even click a link that says “Download Love and Marriage for free & win an Ipad” if the mood is right.

It definitely couldn’t deserve this review (could it?)

“If there is a special hell for film critics, it probably has movies like “Love, Wedding, Marriage” on continuous rotation.”

And taking pictures of Anthony Weiner apologizing & captioning them with quotes from reviewers about your movie is just mean (but pretty damn funny via buzzfeed)

Kellan, Kellan.. if only you had come to Moon or I before signing on to this movie. We would have warned you that out of the 16 films of Mandy Moore’s on Rotten Tomatoes, only 2 have gotten reviews over 50%. And that a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 0% means your movies is worse than: Battlefield Earth, Freddy Got Fingered, and Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (as told to us by EW Popwatch in a review attempting to be positive about Mandy Moore despite her horrible films (don’t worry- they didn’t mention you!))

And now you’re going to have to be nominated or even WIN a Razzie award and while that’s really good publicity, that shizz never leaves you! As if it’s not hard enough for you with all your muscles and Abercrombie background, the Twilight connection- that lacrosse movie with Ash Greene etc. to be taken seriously, this is just gonna make it all that harder.

Listen to me, Kellan. I don’t care how much Jane Seymour (Mandy’s mother in Love, Wedding, Marriage) pays wants you as her boy toy, don’t pick any more projects that drag down all the amazing work you did with the Twilight saga. Oh wait.

Kellan's big moment: Waving a knife while cooking Italiano

Always here to help,
UnintendedChoice

Do you ever feel really bad when a Twi cast member we love so much has a major flop of a movie like this one? 0% is HORRIBLE! Is this Kellan’s “100 Monkeys” moment? (Except that moment of Jackson’s doesn’t’ seem to be passing…) Will YOU see the movie? (assuming you live in the same town as his mom) Can you believe Ryan Adams married Mandy Moore? Can you tell I’m happy it’s FRIDAY FRIDAY

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I failed & forgot to thank James for the heads-up on this amazing story!!

69 Commented

We break down The Cullen Family trip to Pier One Imports

Dear Breaking Dawn, Stephenie Meyer and Edward & Bella Cullen,

A new picture was released? Well, you know what that means. We’re breaking this down Vanity Fair Style

That Explains THAT

UC: Well, I know we’ve gathered here today to discuss the latest underwhel-ment from Breaking Dawn, but we wouldn’t be UC & Moon if we let an opportunity to joke about THIS pass us by:

New Jasper Doll! How many are you gonna buy? Want it for your birthday? It’s ONLY $149.99
Moon: that will haunt me in my nightmares. THAT jasper would definitely try to kill bella and talk with a weird accent for 2 out of the 3 movies
UC: And Bella would gladly let him kill her. Because in Heaven God promises no one who looks as bad as him. I would NOT let THAT Jasper eye F*ck me in a plaza in Philadelphia on a hot summer night
Moon: no way. You can’t talk to that Jasper about red mullets. Come on! How do you screw up a barbie/ken doll version of JASPER? It’s modeled off jackson who has a pretty lady man face and a catfish mouth!!!
UC: i know. I blame China. A factory worker in China. He was tired of his wife’s obsession with the men of the saga
Moon: Who wouldn’t be tired? Men of China care about Rathbonig about as much as men of america
UC: exactly. well that explains that

We get down to business

UC: So another picture from BD was released huh? Can we say overall, now that we have 3 photos & enough to make an appropriate judgement that we are UNDERWHELMED?

Coming soon to a Pier Imports near you...

Moon: By the 3 pictures you mean… 1) feather hands, 2) pants off dance off and 3) pier one lanterns… or my affectionate names for them
UC: of course
Moon: this tells you about how exciting there are
UC:

Don't you wish we were on a bear skin rug, Bella?

I mean….. sure…. the one where we get to see Robsten in a position they generally prefer on a bear skin rug is NICE if you’re into that. But LANTERNS? for VTINES day!? COME ON!
Moon: right. nothing says happy valentines day like some sand, a boat and some ambiguously Moroccan lanterns. That pictures is a happy valentines to the dudes out there. There’s a SPEED BOAT!
UC: seriously!!!
Moon: it was for the unicorns and clearly they don’t even know unicorns- Unicorns want to see Alice in her Sobe bikini
UC: Yep. Or Bella’s camel toe in her see-through white bikini
Moon: if it was a happy Valentines Day for the robsten-ers, it’d be a close up of them in the front seat of the speed boat, getting down
UC: Happy V-tines day for Team Jacob would have been a picture of Taylor in love- and somehow proving that they can pull off the Jacob/Renesmee story without creeping us out or having Chris Hansen meet Stephenie outside her hotel room.
UC: Happy Valentine’s day to US would have been Edward.. shirtless in the water… in the moonlight…. Come on Bill Condon & Summit! Let us ask questions about what’s beneath the water for a second…. (“Is Edward wearing water shoes?” That’s what I’d be asking. What did you think I meant?)

Moon: what would have been a better picture for valentines day?
UC: Emmett & Rose dancing at the wedding- Maybe a scene I WISH they had shot & just cut out of the film so that it could be released at at time like this- where Jasper is telling the story of him & Alice and we SEE her approach him in Philadelphia.. sigh… that would be Valentine’s perfection
Moon: my favorite NOT expounding on story line!!!
UC: fail- david slade fail
Moon: stepenie meyer fail!! Forget midnight sun! BLASPHEMY! i wanna know about alice and jasper
UC: I KNOW! Write THAT story! or since we know reverse psychology works on her, Nevermind Stephenie- we HATE jasper & alice and don’t want to know ANYTHNG about them!
Moon: right. DON’T DO IT. We’ll read hunger games/Immortal instruments/Whoever instead
UC: Imma read BRAN HAMBRIC by Kaleb Nation instead!
Moon: right!!! who wants to read about alice and jasper or edward when you can read about a magician named bran!

Edward goes to Rite Aid

Moon: well lets talk about the obvious. what is that scene even from? Like yea isle esme… but… ?
UC: Their arrival??
Moon: When did edward put out lanterns? was it the scared house keeper? Is she a closeted robsten fan and wanted to make their “first time” special?
UC: Maybe Bella fell asleep in the boat ride & he quickly swam to set it up? And stock the place with condoms, which of course he forgot to use?
Moon: HUGE mistake- while Bella was freaking out in the bathroom he should have just swan at vampiric speed back to the mainland to hit up the 24hr Rite Aid
UC: for REAL. Forget lanterns Ed.. where were the condoms!?
Moon: and he could have picked up some Diet Coke, some sunscreen and KY “yours and mine” while he was there. DUH. THAT should have been the picture- Edward picking up late v-day purchases at the Braziliian Rite Aid drugstore
UC: right.. a blue plastic basket filled with necessities… priorities Edward, pssh… lanterns

all in all… Nice Try Breaking Dawn. But come on! Give us something that shows you’re even TRYING down there in Baton Rouge!!!

Love,
UC & Moon

What do you think of the new pic released as our Vtines gift!? Getting the Pier One vibe like we are? How many Jasper dolls are you planning to buy!?

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