Why I won’t read Breaking Dawn again

Day 1 of Moon’s Epic Adventure to Africa, and I’m ALREADY reaching into the goodie bag for a letter written by one of YOU! Thanks to everyone who has written one so far- I will email you all back this weekend, but please continue to send them in to us! I need all the help I can get!

Just say No

Dear Breaking Dawn,

I’ve decided I’m not re-reading you before seeing your movie Part 1 (November 18! Insert Twi-nerd countdown of the days here!). From least to most important, here are three reasons I know for sure that this is the best course for me:

1) I retain trivia absurdly well, and there’s not that much to remember in the first half anyway. Correct me if I’m wrong, but here’s my summary from memory: Beller’s parents don’t freak that she’s engaged; she gets a tank-proof car; she and Edward get hitched; they go to Isle Esme and skinny dip; FEATHERS!; Edward beats himself up and cock-blocks his wife by making her run all over the island and scuba dive; Bella has freaky dreams about the Volturi and demon babies and eats a lot of eggs; they have sex again after Bella has a dirty dream and it makes her cry and since he doesn’t kill her he decides they can finally enjoy their honeymoon; BELLER’S PREGNANT!; Edward freaks out and hates himself; Rosalie loves babies enough to suddenly love Bella; Bella’s in love with little “Eddie Jr.;” Sam and wolves freak out; Jake, Seth and Leah run the perimeter; Edward hates himself; Jake runs perimeter; Edward hates himself; Jake runs perimeter; Edward hates himself; Jake runs perimeter; Bella drinks blood; emergency C-section; baby name nobody can remember how to spell; Bella gets turned; Jake imprints. That looks like a long sentence, but it’s about 400 pages of book.

2) The more recently I’ve read the book, the more likely I am to be disappointed by the movie. It’ll be way more fun if I’m not freaking out that the wedding flowers aren’t exactly as described in the book. Better to have it a year and a half out of mind.

3) I’m afraid I’ll get pregnant if I read it.

Edward's Fault!

I’d best explain that last one. Unlike some fictional characters who will remain nameless, I do understand how babies are made and how birth control works. But I’ve read Breaking Dawn all the way through exactly twice, and I have two children. I lost my Twi-ginity in a classic all-four-books-plus-Midnight Sun I’m-trying-to-put-it-down-but-can’t thank-goodness-the-friend-loaning-them-to-me-is-only-two-blocks-away haze the first two weeks of January ’09. And had my first baby mid-October. You do the math.

After that initial binge I walked away. Ashamed of myself for loving such a cheesy YA novel so much, for letting it eat two weeks of my life. Like that cheerleader on Secret Life of the American Teenager who loses her V-card, loves it, and then her dad dies and she hates herself because she thinks it’s punishment for her sin. Umm… yeah… I may have wasted a week the summer I was pregnant watching the whole first season of that on Hulu… Pop culture marketed to 14 year-olds is obviously a weakness… In any case, I didn’t read any Twi again for more than a year.

So I had Baby #1, got lost in the haze of dealing with a newborn, and read NOTHING for six months. Then one day in the spring of last year I was in the kids’ section of TJ Maxx looking for deals on baby clothes, and there was Twilight on the shelf with Goodnight Moon (this marketing is a whole ‘nother letter in itself). I had the baby routine down pat by this point, but was still a bit sleep deprived and needed something to entertain myself without using too many brain cells. Perfect!

If my initial read-through was pure lust, the second time I read Twilight I fell in love. Went back to TJ Maxx and grabbed New Moon and Eclipse as fast as I could. But Breaking Dawn was still not out in paperback, and my husband’s mocking would never end if I sprang for the hardcover, despite the fact that he loves the books in spite of himself. So I pre-ordered the paperback and went to read Stephenie’s website. And then I found LTT. And here I am, same as almost every day for the 16 months. (I also may or may not have found a Fic that was all of Breaking Dawn from Edward’s perspective to tide me over…)

After last summer’s vacation I was just getting back into the swing of everyday life when Breaking Dawn landed on my doorstep, just when I’d forgotten that it was coming. That was the first week of August, and I spent all my time not chasing a crawling baby reveling in the fantastic fun of the crazy plot. I found out I was pregnant the second week of August.

Yes, I realize the timing means I can’t exactly blame getting pregnant on the book the second time around, but the two things are totally tied together in my mind. Especially since Breaking Dawn is a totally wacky book for a pregnant lady to have at the forefront of her mind and I got to constantly compare my symptoms to Beller’s. (More on this later.) So maybe I’ll reread you before Part 2 arrives. By then my baby will be a year and a half old and I could be ready to get pregnant again. And there’s no way I’m going to be able to keep all those new vampires are without a refresher.


I LOVE Bea’s story & wonder HOW MANY OTHERS like it there are out there! Especially because…. wasn’t Bella one of the top baby names in the US in recent years!?

PS: The adorable 15 year old sister of an LTT reader is trying to win Taylor Swift tickets! She promises she will bring her lifesize Jacob cutout in a crazy outfit to do a Back to December dance with her! Vote for her here!

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81 Commented

Time to admit our Breaking Dawn Fears

Today’s letter is brought to you by Bunty

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Okay I’ll come clean. I’m scared.

There I’ve said it. It’s the twilight-sticker-emblazoned-2nd-hand-embarrassing-elephant-in-the-room that no-one wants to mention. No I’m not referring to the prospect of Summit trying to make the shirtless one with the high-armed comedy run imprinting on a newborn baby seem normal to film critics in the way it is to us. No I’m not talking about how they can find enough interesting stuff to fill out part 2 with what is basically going to be a 2 hour film about vampires coming over to stay for a few days and then lots of vampires stood in a field glaring at each other before agreeing to go home after all. Oh no I’m talking about something much more important.

I’m talking about Edward’s clothes.

Is this the Cullens?

Now first let me make something clear. Stephanie’s knowledge of what hip and thin American teens wear was clearly wide of the mark in the books, even to my British sensibilities. I remember reading twilight and reeling (I say reeling – I mean climbing off the washing machine mid-spin cycle) at the mention of the white leather jacket and sleeveless shirts. Vampires are supposed to have lived through the 1980’s new romantic fashion era but aren’t supposed to dress like they play bass for a Duran Duran tribute act on a weekend. Given the dodgy material to work from therefore, Cathy the cougar was bang on the money when she came up with the Twilight wardrobe for our favourite sparkly one. People with anemia look brilliant in blue. People who aren’t people anymore and not technically anemic as they’re dead because they’re a vampire without blood full stop (but have a scrotum full of sperm apparently and the ability to have an erection without blood – are you following?) look brilliant in blue. Think classic tweed, think well-cut suits, handmade Italian shirts, basic wardrobe staples like a black t-shirt, plain denims. You’ve lived through every bad fashion era but are wise enough to recognise the best bits and tailor them to fit your 17 year old body in the current era. Marvelous. Thank you Cathy, job done, back on the washing machine we all hopped.

Good job Cathy. Must've put down the cougarita that day...

This is why women buy more clothes for men than men do. We’re good at it. We know what makes a man look mean and moody because we think about it all day long because we’re normal. Chris Weitz and David Slade – we love you, we do really but there is a reason your mom took you shopping instead of your dad. You just haven’t got ‘it’. Take New Moon for example, now I appreciate what you did with Edward wearing the same suit from Bella’s birthday party to getting his nips out in Italy. That was quite moving but his suit was crap frankly and the history teacher footwear looked like something Dick-the-dad would wear. I won’t even mention the three quarter length frockcoat from the dream sequence and knitwear/jacket combo in the proposal scene (I just did). In Eclipse you felt the need to dress him in a colour which can only normally found on white bra’s that have been through the wash too often. I believe it’s referred to as chewing gum white. This only served to highlight his pastiness rather than his marble-white lovely bits. Just because it’s sold by Gap and for some reason everyone in wardrobe thinks Edward would like Gap that doesn’t mean it’s not shite. I know you have to buff up the funny-running one with tight black t-shirts but please remember that they will stand next to each other in many scenes and that one will make the other look like he’s welfare dependent and overly fond of vitamin-deficient tinned goods.

A scene from a Duran Duran hit video?

Bill Condon you are giving me nightmares. I hope the stills released were a spoof and featured clothing superimposed from a 1987 Gap advert. What the hell is that stripy sweater he appears to be wearing in the honeymoon scene? A sweater, chinos and bare feet? Are we back on the whole Duran Duran trip again? Shove a straw boater on him and tell him to channel John Taylor? And the blue Rio shirt? You’ve tried to copy the Twilight blue shirt but you’ve made him look like a motivational speaker at an accountancy convention. I won’t even mention the comedy wedding morning suit (I just did). Morning suits were designed to be worn with silk cravats not bow ties.

Scaring women isn’t nice. You’re ruining it for me. Stop it. Now.

Lots of love,

Bunty xx

After the jump view a special Friday surprise that needs no commentary at all: Continue…

94 Commented

For Your Consideration… Twilight Fan Fic dramatic reading posibilities

Dear LTT-ers,

They’re at it again, first Michael Sheen had his way with Unexpected Circumstance and now VH1 has Elizabeth Reaser reading from A Pair of Emerald Earrings. If we had access to these cast members and had no shame and no embarrassment we’d totally ask them to do the same thing. Who cares about their new movie or some dumb story from the set of Breaking Dawn about how Rob really loves fruity pebbles that we’ll hear a billion times, I wanna hear the cast of Twilight saying things like spank and hot and maybe do a little heavy breathing. It’s called method people, DO IT.

Watching this is giving me Vietnam style flashbacks from when UC and I tried to do a dramatic reading of Tara Sue Me’s The Dom and I scared myself so much with the Lucifer meets 10 packs a day chain smoker voice I created for “Domward” that I thought I was gonna flog myself at one point just for flubbing my own lines. Thank god this has never seen the light of day. Also my vocal chords have never recovered.

Since VH1 seems to be doing the Lord’s work and because we love Kate,  I have a few requests for their next Twi-star reads fanfic edition…

For Your Consideration…

Domward, Darkward, Blissward, Fightward, Tattward... yup, these all sound like me!

Robert Pattinson reading… The Office – I think he’d really get into the ripping and being called the “Beautiful Bastard”

Kristen Stewart reading… The Sub – Maybe next time UC and I attempt to tackle this one Kristen can  join in… we just want to hear her read THE part… you know the one.

Runner up – KStew reading Wide Awake where she talks about “Unicorns.” Yup.

2nd Runner Up – Clipped Wings and Inked Armour

Jackson Rathbone reading… pretty much anything as long as he does it out of the side of his mouth in that weird affected country voice he’s conjured up for himself. But since the Jasper FF fanatics seem to prefer him in a slash situation,  may we suggest “Tight End” for the sole reason that I (and some friends) NEED to hear him say “I meant what I said in that text…” And maybe a “welcome to Rathbonia!!” thrown in for good measure.

Ha, we know what you're REALLY reading

Kellan Lutz reading….Volition since we think he probably can’t do an Irish accent and it’d be awesome to hear him try (and fail) to be sexy.

Taylor Lautner reading… Any Edward/Jacob slash pairing because the whole time they could just intercut the clip of Rob kissing Taylor at the MTV Movie Awards. Presto 8 zillion views!

Peter Facinelli reading… Emancipation Proclamation. Peter as the mafioso Dad with the human trafficking? Cue the tears. Or for the more… “adventurous” reader how about HB: CEO of Skeky Flies the Friendly Skies? Carlisle in a menage a trois with Bella and Rosalie then Bella find outs Carlisle is her dad’s boyf? AWKWARD!!

And with Chaske Spencer’s Barry White-esque voice he could read anything… so maybe find some weird Billy/Charlie/Sue fetish stuff. That’d be awesome.

As exciting as our misguided attempt to read The Dom was, these dramatic readings by actual cast members is SO beyond classic I can’t even. If I had the power and connections, I’d have the cast members tackle dramatic readings of Tweets next… HINT HINT. I have a folder over flowing with the best and most embarrassing VH1, hit me up you know the addy!

TGIF and a beautiful bastard for everyone!

This post was only possible with liberal amounts of help from BrookeLockart, TXLiLi, VixinCali, VeddersGirl because I know about like 3 of these fics… and according to BL they’re “way old.” THANKS!

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63 Commented

Things I miss about Twilight

Dear Twilight,

I’ve had some time to do some thinking on my mini-break while Moon is in Europe & a few things have come to mind: I miss you. I miss when you were EVERYWHERE. Sure you’re still around. And this Fall you’ll be crazy again with Breaking Dawn Part 1, but I miss when everyday things made me think of you & made me laugh in the oddest ways.

I had a great opportunity to meet 2 girls I met through LTT who are from BELGIUM (remember Alice & Bella from Not an Addikt?) this past weekend in New York. I’ll share more about that later, but being with them reminded me of a few things I miss. So without further ado:

Cathy Hardi & her love for the Ultimate “Cougarita” at TGIFridays. Why TGIFridays? Why a big, watered-down margarita? Who knows! But it fits, you know it does:

Click me for ultimate LOLs

Big Daddy and his love for Fish-o-Filet sandwiches (and our inability to call that sammy by the correct name), The Olive Garden & any sort of fried delight:

Buttcrack Santa and all the places he’d pop up. Plus it gave us many excuses to post disgusting pictures of drunk, naked Santa Clauses:

I miss you

Wolfgirl. You early readers will remember when Moon & I started a campaign to marry Taylor Lautner & my youngest sister:

Meeting Stephenie Meyer cause that was just awesome. And this June is really hard without excitement like last year!

I also miss that hairclip. I lost it.

Moon cause she does stuff like this, among other things:

I could go on and on!!! I’ll save more for another time.  What do you miss!?



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196 Commented

This is all I’ve got right now…

This is what’s happening at my house… and tacos. Neither are helping…

I shall give you something better than this soon.


ps do you heard that sad trombone and tiny violin solo in the background? me too…

90 Commented

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