Chris Weitz Porn– err pom

This begins our countdown until next week when both Moon & I enter a new stage in our jobs where we can find time for each other longer than a quick “Hi FML” for 5 minutes each day. 5 days to go…

Dear LTT,

I know, I know we’ve done the Alpaca Llama thing to death. I mean, Taylor looks like a llama! There are llama farms in Forks! Haha. So funny. But as luck would have it, an anonymous LTTer (not me, but anonymous for her or his(!) dignity’s sake) had a dream in which Chris Weitz was a Pomeranian. It was one of those Princess and the Frog type of story lines in which she or he(!) kisses the pooch and it becomes the DILF (x2 almost, btw!). The catch being that after ten seconds of the most recent human kiss, he turns back into the Pomeranian. Very awkward indeed.

When she or he told me about this dream, I knew there was only one rational response. Since I’m a good friend and really love procrastinating, I felt the only thing I could do was create, say, a minimum of five mash-ups of Chrispom (which, adorably, looks a lot like Chrisporn):

After that happened and I increased the day’s happiness levels for everyone who received the Chrispom, an email thread regarding “We should do the other directors! David Slade clearly is a naked mole rat” ensued. These were the results:

As you can see, Taylor is not the only one who can be compared to a domestic and/or wild animal to bring about happiness in one’s day.

Chrispom Forever!!!

With Kind Regards,

Team Seth

In other news, Team Seth’s letter today informed me that Alpacas=Lamas. I did not know this. I might be dumb.

Remember this from the good ol’ days?

GUYS: I’m going to the Sam Bradley/Marcus Foster show tonight. Hold me! – UC xx

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All Taylor Lautner, ALL.THE.TIME.

Yes, we think your tractor is sexy... and yes... it really turns us on

Dear Taylor,

You need to stop… being so cute and funny and making us like you a lot and hope good things for you and shit. It’s hard to keep up our snarky, mean girls exterior when you’re making us want to twirl about and laugh WITH you at things instead of AT you. This is a brave, weird new world Taylor and we don’t like it. I’m not afraid to say I watched your Field of Dreams spoof for Funny or Die THEN I watched the behind the scene video, THEN I watched the deleted scenes video. Like 3 times.

I know we don’t write you unless it involves your Dad, who might as well be in the dang movies as far as we’re concerned or our constant internal conflict over your growing hottness and legalness but I think it’s time we change that… you’ve proved you’re ready to come up to the LTT Big Leagues ™

Funny or Die

Both UC and I commented that we hope you do a lot of hilarious stuff like this were you have a good time, make fun of yourself a lot and  don’t take things too seriously… like some people we know… AHEM. But mostly it just makes me want to sing Kenny Chesney. Someone needs to make a Taylor fan vid with this song STAT!

On a totally different note… Lionsgate announced you’d be signing autographs at Comic Con for your new movie Abduction… while I’m super (cautiously) excited that this bodes REALLY WELL for the Breaking Dawn panel, I just want to get you to sign something… like my jorts… or if you insist an Abduction poster

NOOOO not that one… this special one I made….

Do you hate us yet? Do you really want to be moved up to the LTT Big Leagues ™??? Talk it over with Rob, Kellan and Jackson and see if you can handle this kind of good natured ridicule…

Happy Friday!!!! TGIF!!!!!! COUGRITAS for everyone!!! (On Cathi!)
Themoonisdown

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65 Commented

Back to December and back to Swiftner, we break it down

Dear Swiftner (aka Taylors’ Swift and Lautner),

We miss you… a lot. We love each one of you… a lot. And now Taylor Swift has written a song about you Taylor Lautner and we want a reunion… here we are to break it down. DUH.

Have a listen here:
Taylor Swift – Back to December
[audio: http://letterstotwilight.com/music/BacktoDecember.mp3]

What could have been…… awwww…

The one where we go back to December, lit-trally
UC: okay let’s talk some Swift
Moon: yes, can i tell you my fave feature of itunes is “date added”… listening… omg my boss must think im crazy i have this blaring
UC: hahaha… youre trying to be “well rounded”
Moon: back to december allll the time. ok ok taylor im opening ltt’s dec 2009 archives… clearly taylor is an ltt fan cause dec is our anni month
UC: happy anniversary us!
Moon: awww the lautner family xmas letter. tay is sad she wont make it this yr
UC: i just saw that
Moon: oh we did a tay laut appreciate sunday in dec
UC: yeah… they were TOTES on in Dec. is that when it fell apart? Or was December a happy month?
Moon: OH right he was on SNL this month… dude what happened?! when were they seen out all those times with to go boxes? and his sports car
UC: i thought that was in the spring, but that must have been before… ohhh wait you wrote to the Taylors here and then we broke down swiftner like crazy robsten fans in OCTOBER of 2009, OCT 29 2009
Moon: awwwww memories
Moon: rainbows, unicorns… lisa frank folders
UC: it was perfection

The one where we think we know what happened

UC: and we know now, b/c of song and….. i’m now even MORE convinced this song is about them .. the timing was off in my head.i thought Swiftner was in the winter/early spring. but no… it was fall into CHristmas season
Moon: well when i was in planes, trains and hospitals last week i read like EVERY rag mag and she said it was about him pretty much
UC: and while I have to admit I’ve spent a long time listening to her new album over the past week, i think that this is how it went down: they met. They had so much fun. they liked each other. HE admitted the feelings were strong, and she did not. she hurt him. he left. she misses him, she’s sad, writes hit song. we break it down… and hopefully one day see her in concert ( I love Taylor) Because remember when that super secret source who is friends with Taylor told us they were NEVER really Swiftner and we were heart-broken? well, I still think that might be true…. and that Tay Lautner wanted to be Swiftner. HE wanted matching Lisa Frank trapper keepers & white baby kittens to hold together under a fuzzy pink blanket but something scared Taylor Swift off- I’m gonna go with Joe Jonas. And Ashley Greene- cuz she’s fun to blame even though they weren’t together then and Summit. Let’s blame Summit
Moon: hahaha, cause everyone loves to blame them for everything.
UC: Taylor Swift saw Robsten- and what happened with them- the rabid fans & the manips of their lovemaking in front of the fire (mostly from us) and didn’t want to BE Swiftner and broke Taylor’s heart
Moon: i think they were having a good ol time filming Valentines Day. they hung out, “dated” with chaperone’s (aka big daddy), vma nonsense with Kanye happened, things heated up, love declared on SNL, then BOOM johnmayer/joejonas/whoever called

The one where Taylor Swift is scared of the fireplace

Wait, is this a manip?!

UC: she says “Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind”
Moon: fear of the fireplace
UC: Fear = The Swiftner version of Robsten Fans making love videos
Moon: it’s alright to be scared the first time taylor
UC: Don’t fear the fireplace Taylor!
Moon: we’ll walk you through it
UC: haha we’ll make a step by step guide to rocking the fireplace, also rocking in front of the fireplace
Moon: taylor laut no doubt has his v card so it’ll be quick
UC: Yes- it’ll be his vcard disappearing that night.. yours will barely be touched.
.
The one where the Jersey Shore gets involved

Yup, totes DTF

UC: So let’s get back tko the lyrics though- as they tell a good story…….in December, of 2009, after they went out to celebrate LTTs 1 year anniversary…
Moon: Clearly.
UC: it sounds like Taylor gave her flowers….. probably got down on one knee and asked her to make Swiftner official. NO doubt he had breadsticks in hand to seal the deal and she said NO
UC: and dropped the flowers- or he did. ANd they wilted. Like their almost Swiftner relationship
Well, it says it right there- “SO good to me. SO right” I think she loves it. She sings “It turns out freedom aint nothin’ but missin’ you, wishin’ I’d realized what I had when you were mine” It sounds like Mr. Lautner was laying down the law… saying. enough of flirting with boys from Nashville.. I want you all to myself Taylor
Moon: dude TAYLOR LAUTNER get your people on the phone, charter a flight and get to wherever Swifty is because as The Situation and Pauly D say: TAYLOR SWIFT IS DTF!!!!!!!!!
UC: You’re right she was JUST DTF
Moon: she realizes she had it GOOD and john mayer is a toolbag and she wants his assssszzzzz back
UC: she sings about wanting Freedom- but “Freedom” meant getting screwed & felt up by a dude with backne (aka John Mayer). i don’t mean screwed like Effed, I mean screwed over and felt up after having to give him a massage over his backne.
Moon: screwed as in he stole her publishing rights on a song they cowrote. LICENSING NERD ALERT!!! john mayers no fool. he sees her #1 songs

Follow the cut to read the rest of our break down, to see who we blame and the bet we place
Continue…

117 Commented

Well when you put it that way…

Dear Twilight,

We love you. A lot. Like A-LOT A-LOT. You know this and we’ve accepted your idiosyncrasies and your quirks and like any good, mature relationship, they only make us love you more. Especially when the movie versions add in totally dumb ones. (shhhh those are our favorites!) But as you know people like to make fun of you and even though we try sometimes it’s hard to explain why you’re so great when people like to focus on the absurd. But they do make great videos. Like this…

“Jacob” kinda has that alpaca look about him, no?

David Slade blew the roof off Eclipse and made even some of the crazy stuff seem totally plausible so what about Breaking Dawn? We KNOW Bill Condon’s got his work cut out for him. Renesmee, births, cottages by the creek, yada yada yada I wonder if he got the cliff’s notes version like this…

Weeeellll when you put it like that…

Plasma TV and AWESOME DVD collection. Maybe these folks should write the script? They know the important stuff.

Oh Twilight, we still love you! Even besides your incessant talk of glowering and Bella’s pregnant foods being eggs and cups of blood instead of ice cream and pickles. We wouldn’t trade you for anything, for realz.

Happy Labor Day!
Themoonisdown

Happy Labor Day to all the folks in the states. Yes, another holiday where we grill stuff and hang out in pools and what not trying to hold on to the last bit of summer. So enjoy your day off and we’ll see you back here this week!

Special Thanks to Mandy and Bea for sending us the videos!Have an idea and want to write a letter while we’re grilling today? Saw a video, a picture, or a news story we need to see? Send it in! DO IT!

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32 Commented