Twilosophy: Are Edward & Bella Broken?

Dear LTT,

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to any long-time LTT reader that Moon & I were never pro-Robsten. There are many reason for this including:

1. I think it’s kinda weird to “ship” celebrity couples (except for the one true love of McGosling RIP 2005-2007)

2. Reality isn’t that much fun to speculate about it. We enjoyed the “OF COURSE THEY ARE EFF BUDDIES” phase of 2008-2009 and then the “NAH ITS S PUBLICITY STUNT” of 2010. We’d throw in an occasional “No she’s a REAL Fake Lesbian” and “HE’S BANGING NIKKI REED” throughout 2008-2010 for good measure. And who couldn’t forget the “WOW THEY ARE THE MOST BORING COUPLE OF ALL TIME” that has existing since 2011. Speculation is much more interesting. Or straight up making crap up is the best (remember when Moon invited you into the ROBSTEN home?)

The reality is…. ROBSTEN is/was real and real people did REAL things and have REAL feelings about those things and none of that is really any of our business. What IS our business is pondering if Kristen has spent her days indoors turning all of Rob’s shirts into knotted t-shirts she refuses to give back or if Rob has gained 27 pounds after 2 weeks of binge drinking and eating through California’s supply of microwavable fried sandwich pockets.

Who made that our business? God, I think. I think that was on the 8th day of creation. Right after he created wine.

So back to not being pro-Robsten. My feelings about the BIG SCANDAL have been all over the map.

–SHOCK (this really happened?)
–LAUGHTER (cause you saw the fandom implode, right?)
–SADNESS (I mean, really, fandom? Did we just implode?)
–WONDER (“what does it MEAN” said in my best double rainbow voice)
–FIST PUMPING THAT WE’RE COOL FOR ONCE (Even WILL FERRELL cares! (and, of course I mean “cool” in major quotes))
–TIRED (can we move on yet?)
-IMPATIENCE (cuz Moon left for Africa TWO DAYS after this came out and there’s SO MUCH to talk about. I mean. I don’t want to discuss it at all. I’m cool, I’m cool…)
–LAUGHTER (did I mention that already?)
–SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT (cuz.. I mean)

But what I didn’t expect was what happened on Friday when, from my beach chair gazing at the ocean, I was browsing my Facebook feed and I saw this:

And I felt sad.
Or mad
Or just… different

Remember what I said about: I was never pro-Robsten. Seeing happy Bella & Edward did nothing for me on the Robsten front. But it did a lot for me on the Bella & Edward front. Yay! My fav fictional couple next to Mary & Matthew and Damon & Elena and Rose & Jack (okay they’re like 7th on the list) is happy & in love! She’s a vamp now so they an do it for real, a lot! They made a cute baby- life is good! Yay yay yay!

So why did I feel sad/mad/different when seeing their latest couples photo from their local Sears’ photography department?

Are Bella & Edward broken because (gulp) ROBSTEN is now broken?

Have all these years of speculation and distraction from the REAL heart & soul of LTT (Bella & Edward and, duh, Twilight (Hey- remember THE BOOKS!?) finally taken their toll? Can I no longer see Bella & Edward for who they are in real (fictional) life and have I reduced them to…gulp ROBSTEN?

Am I alone in this? Does anyone else feel weird? Did you see Edward & Bella before and now just see a human-turned vampire who left her perfect man for a married guy? And if Bella were to leave Edward for a married guy… who would it be? Someone from the Res? Mr. Molina? Mike Newton’s dad? Couldn’t resist the coupons he kept throwing at her for 20% off at Newton’s outfitters?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN

What does it MEAN?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

No seriously.. am I weird? Alone in this one?

New Bella/Eddie pic from Twilight Examiner

93 Commented

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn Vanity Fair Style

Reminder note: There are THREE auto-playing video ads- two in the side, one ALL the way below. Hit the volume button ONCE & it should mute them for eternity. 

Dear Breaking Dawn,

It’s been TWO WEEKS since you came out to the public & we’ve sighed with you, cried with you, fell in love with you, been jealous of your immense wealth and now… well, it’s time to laugh at you. No, this isn’t a Break Down of the entire movie.. we do have lives, but it is a break down of some of our most favorite parts! Someone give Billy Burke & Anna Kendrick an Oscar already!

Watch out! Anna is about to kill it

UC: Moon. It’s been two weeks. And I gotta be honest.. we were in a “Breaking Dawn was SO GOOD (as compared to the other movies” haze for awhile there…. How are you feeling? I mean how are WE feeling, since we’re the same person usually except you have better hair? And I love cats more
Moon: HA. my one quality. Its been a week and some change, I’ve seen it 3 times and I gotta say I’m still feeling good about it
UC: Me too
Moon: it’s held up every time and each time I found something different to like… and also some things that made me go HUH?! cause it wouldn’t be a twilight movie without a few things we laughed at
UC: it would be SAD if we didn’t laugh I’d quit probably!!! Hear that movie makers (aka Stephenie & Wyck who we like to think loves us)??? Don’t make BD Part 2 too good
UC: I mean… I feel good enough that I’ve kinda been defensive (in my head- never out loud. I keep that baby tucked inside) when I hear criticism
Moon: oh i defs get defensive but i think it’s just because all the years of keeping it in wore off
UC: did you go ape shit on some 12 year olds who were complaining Jacob didn’t get enough screen time?
Moon: right, Steph & Wyck: PLEASE make sure to include some easter eggs for us. Some laughs. Some jessica stanley goodness too
UC: SERIOUSLY… a dream sequence or something… i dunno how else she’ll be in it
Moon: cant EVER let a movie go by without anna kendrick KILLING IT
UC: make Bella DEF run into a tree her first time running around. The Spider Monkey tree- FULL CIRCLE Y’ALL
Moon: jessica could be a Volturi wife. i don’t care
UC: Speaking of that.. Guaranteed Anna’s contract has a stipulation that says “okay- she’ll do this film BUT only if you let her Kill it AT LEAST ONCE. But probably more like 3 times”
Moon: and lauren mallory could be the other. she’s never been in any other twi film, but why not whip her out for the last one??
Moon: Anna’s contract includes her being able to be awesome and probably ad lib any of her lines. cause she’s better than the script

The Dexter of Vampires

Moon: Can I mention the flashback of edward being the “Dexter of vampires??” Though i totally loved the look/feel of the scene and well it’s Rob, i could have totally done with someone else’s backstory AND is that even in the books???
Cause i just thought he ran away from carlisle to be a bad boy for a few yrs. never that he was off killing bad guys
UC: Umm.. i THINk he was.. but I don’t think she ever went into detail?
Moon: its like mel mel stole a line from her own tv show
UC: HAHA she got confused a second.
Moon: her assistant mixed in a page from one of her dexter scripts
UC: She was like… wait.. the Ice Truck killer is in this script? This must be Dexter
Moon: also did that hat Edward was wearing even fit?? Robert must have my problem: big head syndrome – its hard for people like us to look good in hats

Catherine Hardwicke, on Screen

Moon: Also can we talk about how charlie / billy burke knocks it out of the park EVERY damn time??? its like him and anna kendrick in a battle for the 6th man award of the twilight cast
UC: YES. and win. Tied . Every year
Moon: put them in coach!!! EVERY TIME. i mean the misty eyes and the joke about Renee being old
UC: Yessss
Moon: and “don’t let me fall, dad…” “never” DIE. DEAD
UC: What a perfect mustached ma

Got a notice from the neighbors about needing to wear more clothes...

Moon: wait, first can we go back to renee and her slutty shorts???
UC: Yes- and how she FOUND OUT about the wedding from an invite?
Moon: is that for REAL???

UC: also…. do you feel like she is Catherine Hardwicke on Screen? Cuz i do
Moon: YES! I mean the Cullen’s didn’t even call her mom? or as renee’s too busy cutting the legs off her old denim bell bottoms to pick up??
UC: she lost her cell phone again. she’s no longer “Texting” She was with Cathy the Cougar at Happy Hour. Every day. And night. And morning actually. Loves mimosas
Moon: oh 100% renee is the embodiment of Cathi: the beach house in venice, the straw cowboy hat… all she’s missing is a drum circle in her front yard
UC: Gift idea for the Edward Cullen Family to give Grandma!!
Moon: some damn clothes — and a new djembe drum
UC: or maybe a framed picture of the first time Renesmee read her mind. Which was the last time Edward allowed it, since Renee was thinking about Phil without his baseball uniform on.

Moon gets WAY confused

Moon: OK i have a question since i’ve read BD the least
UC: Okay
Moon: in the book didnt renee and phil have a kid and bring him to the wedding???
UC: whattt?? really?? they have a baby???? Maybe?? worst fans of the year right here?
Moon: or am i confusing breaking dawn with the princess diaries??? [ Long pause] yea it’s defs the princess diaries. cause renee and anne hathaway’s mom are essentially the same person to me.
UC: hahahahahahhaha. did you google it?
Moon: WHOOPS had a rick perry moment there
UC:you’re right. that’s totally princess diaries
Moon: so yea renee and phil DO NOT have a child and bring him to bell and Edward’s wedding in Genovia. Where bella’s gran, julie andrews, is the queen. YEA that DID NOT happen
UC: they do sing songs at the bachelorette party though, right? And slide down the stairs? rose, Alice & Bella?
Moon: oh they def do some stair surfing with mattresses from their beds. with raven simone
UC: That’s SO Raven!
Moon: Bella kinda IS Mia Thermopolis minus the brows and the whole royal blood thing
UC: hahaha.. please tell me you just read her name and didn’t remember it
Moon: Oh No… I remember it..
UC: I’m so proud. Our very own “Princess Diaries Dork of the Day” right here…

The virgin tux

Moon: ANYWAYYYY back to the wedding which was like the BEST EVER!!! So in bella’s dream about the wedding…i like the subtle nod to edward’s virginity with his all white tux… which no man has ever looked good in. Its like welcome to 1981!!!
UC: A virgin in 1981. So hot
Moon: he was only missing a mullet
UC: And the dress… I mean… it’s like they WANTED us to freak out & think WTF IS THIS DISASTER, and then wow us with the amazing REAL thing
Moon: it was nice but it was too modern/david’s bridal… i mean ALFRED ANGELO/mall type dress. Too generic for Bella’s dress
UC: they wanted people to ALMOST walk out
Moon: i like that it was strapless because it made bella look like she was walking down the aisle naked for a few secs. like those awful dreams here you show up to class naked
UC: i know. I liked that. Because for a hot second I thought we might see Edward Naked. Then I thought for another hot second about what a cold, white penis might look like. And got scared
Moon: instead we see them on a pile of bodies. AMAZING
UC: And then I was glad it was a dream sequence. Didn’t want to be more scared than I am of normal penises. Also I just made it seem like I only like Black penises, which is true
Moon: i wanted them on top of the bodies to be their cake topper, thats what it made me think of
UC: I thought black penises. you thought cakes
Moon: i’m purer than you
UC: so much purer. White tux purer
Moon: ok so besides the replica bella’s dress, they should sell the bella and edward bride and groom on top of dead bodies as a cake topper in stores. SYNERGY! Are you listening marketing dept??? i know you are.
UC: of course they are. or at least the company that made that vampire dildo is. Still waiting for our commission checks on that one!!
Moon: Srsly. we’e talked about the VAMP enough. I hope they at least sent one to rob. great white elephant regift for him– and make everyone think they modeled it after his REAL… thing

Less Penises, after the jump! Continue…

110 Commented

Things I wish that were

Dear Twilight,

I just realized there are only 16 days left for me to complain about things I wish were different in the Twilight Saga movies so that you could add them to Breaking Dawn. Sorry to be so last minute about this, but you understand. I’ve been busy. Speaking of being busy- I wasted about 12 minutes of my night looking for my Breaking Dawn book. Does anyone know where I placed that?

Anyway, I watched Twilight on FX the other night and read through a few chapters of Twilight and New Moon the other day for an LTT letter, and I realized there are a quite of things that I miss that were a part of the books that aren’t in the films. So if you wouldn’t mind doing some quick reshoots in time for us to see the film in a few weeks, that’d be cool:

BFFs

Bella & Alice: BFFs

I mean right off the BAT these two are close girlfriends. Sure Alice gives Bella a hug in Twilight by the bus (or was that in the book?) and they have that heart-to-heart on the couch in New Moon, but besides that, they’re kinda just… friends when it’s convenient. Like they chat when Edward is out hunting Black Bears with Emmett & stuff, but nothing that convince me they are super close friends. I don’t see Alice in the movies buying Bella a Tiffany’s friendship bracelet or anything. Alice & Bella of the BOOKS would have entire Tiffany’s stores dedicated to storing their friendship bracelet charms. Or they’d at LEAST have matching friendship tattoos. Or a couple pictures of each other together around the house. Or maybe Alice would be the one to tell Bella about doing “it” and her first time with Jasper. Either way, it’d be CLEAR that these two girls are BFFs.

Lauren:

I really miss Lauren. I mean, girls like Bella WAYYYYY too much in the books. Have we forgotten that Lauren Mallory was the original Bella-hater? Yes, we can say she’d probably be leading the nonsten and anti-KStew charge were she a real person.  It’s been so long since I thought about Lauren that I had to do a little research on the Twilight wiki (yes, there’s one of those. What ELSE are people supposed to do with their time?) and I found this:

Sometime during the summer following her junior year, Lauren was approached by an alleged modeling agent in a mall in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, who told her that she seemed like a natural model. The agent told her that if she cut her hair shorter and edgier and had some high-quality headshots taken, her future would be assured. Lauren followed his instructions – spending 300 dollars on a haircut and 15 grand on pictures taken by the agent’s partner – and never heard from the agent again.

WHAT? When did that happen? Where was I? I don’t remember that AT ALL. Do I have pages missing from my book? This is, seriously, news to me. And further proves my point- That right there would be HILARIOUS to see. Mean girl from high school who hates our precious Bella, gets hers in the end in the form of a big credit card debt she can’t pay off even on good nights from her tips from “The Lodge.”*

Mmm.. imagine eating your dinner under THAT

SPEAKING of “The Lodge,” damn I miss it. I mean, I completely forget how Stephenie described it, but I figured it was a dark old cabin filled with stuffed heads of animals caught by its owner, featuring Prime Rib one step below Applebees. The Carver Cafe just sound a little too high class for Forks. Steak & Cobbler? No no no, the Lodge serves previously frozen buffalo meat and frozen apple pie heated up right before it’s served.

And while were discussing Bella & Charlie’s eating habits, why DO they go to the cafe every Thursday night? In the books they eat at home ALL THE TIME. Bella is an expert cook. And SO is Kstew. What’s wrong movie-people? Let KStew wear an apron on set & make her dad an loquat pie!

Yeah... like that!!

Bella’s physical attraction to Edward… And how he pulls her in.  I think that Catherine was the only one who attempted to get this across on screen (and failed, sorry KStew & Rob, lovers for life) She tried ignite what Stephenie explains so beautifully with words on screen for us by using close up shots, asking Kristen to open her mouth a little bit, almost enough for drool to fall out & for Rob to look like he’s gonna blow a load in his pants because of holding back all his passion & need & desire. Good try, but not exactly how it was described in the books.  “And Edward, almost blowing a load in his pants because of how much Bella’s blood SANG to him while Bella gazed up at him, only breaking her stare when she noticed the pool of drool from her open mouth had soaked into her jeans.” Yeah, not the same.

So while I’m excited for Breaking Dawn & the newness it brings (a wedding, a beautiful dress (fingers crossed), some sexytimes & more Cullen family- finally), I really could use some of the above mentioned things that I miss. Here- I’ll throw a quick scene together for you. Off the top of my head…..

Bella & Alice are in The Cullen house putting the finishing touches together on Bella’s wedding attire when suddenly Alice, who has been in quite the chipper mood because she finally got Bella into some decent shoes, grows somber saying, “Bella… I’m worried that things will change between us. With you marrying Edward… Isn’t there some sort of rule that your husband has to be your best friend?” Bella stops removing the lipstick Alice just spend 30 minutes perfecting to look at her best friend, “I know. I’ve thought about it too, and while I think Edward expects that I will consider him my best friend & closest confident, I want you to know that it isn’t true. That role will always belong to you.” Alice smiles a big smile & at that moment the sun bursts through the open window surrounding her in brilliant sparkly diamonds. She holds out her pinky for Bella to latch on. Holding on to one another’s littlest fingers they say in unison, “Best Friends Forever. Till Death Do us Part.” And then erupt into giggles, knowing death will never part them.

So yeah.. something like that… Lauren Mallory could interrupt their bff love-fest with some bitchy comment about how Bella looks fat & then the reception could be held at The Lodge! Emmett & Jasper, forced into helping with the decorations, are getting a kick out of all the mounted animal heads they strung white lights over. And then maybe, JUST maybe, Bella & Edward of the movie can act as connected as Bella & Edward of the books. 

I have faith in you, Twilight!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

*Turns out that story about Lauren is from the Twilight companion. I just outted myself. I never read it. I don’t even own it. Oops

 What do YOU wish was more of a focus in the movies that you loved from the books??

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Edward & Bella Manip

172 Commented

The Cullen/Swan Wedding Reception

Dear Bella Cullen’s Wedding Reception,

Having just got married, oh, last weekend, I’m “down with the kids” on this whole wedding thing. I mean, I even sported the Bella barrette before you made it popular (and don’t pretend Alice didn’t steal the idea from ME!

"I'm crying because I'm so moved you used my hair barrette just like Team Seth did with her mom's hair barrette in her wedding, which happened before yours."

I know Alice saw me make my decision to wear my mom’s hair barrette before I made it. Then she STOLE the idea. Right out of my head. She’s supposed to use her powers for good–or is that witches? Too many vampire shows.)

Anyway, back to the letter… So, recently TeamJacobEdward emailed me back from the slathering of wedding photos I sent her and closed the email with: “PS did Jacob show up and steal a dance before he attended you to Edward Mr. Seth?”  [Don’t you just love her for using the word “attended”? I know I do.]

Her postscript got me to thinking.

For the weeks leading up to the event, I joked about how I wanted Murray Gold to come and stop the wedding in one of those over-the-top elaborate, only-happens-in-the-movies kind of ways; profess his love for me after speeding from the airport, drenched in rain all The Notebook sex scene style… You know, that sort of thing.  (if you don’t know who Murray is, go here for an impertinent informational interview)  But when the day came, as NatteringYeahRobber predicted, I didn’t think about Murray at all! (which is actually *not* true since I played one of his songs in my ceremony, thus his name was on our program…Murray will live on at my wedding forever! *does the Vincent Price laugh* (which was ALSO at the wedding via “Thriller”))

But I didn’t think about him coming into the wedding and sweeping me away–or cutting in for a dance or even just surprising me by showing up. I was caught up in the evening, having fun and eating the delicious cheese ravioli, dancing to the great New Wave that our DJ dropped and drinking porters.

Unlike Murray at my wedding, we know Jacob DOES show up to steal a dance with the bride. Sure, it will be exciting and emotionally moving, if not a little awkward.  But do you really want that?

If I can't come, Bella, I don't want you to come!

Let’s think about it. We all know I’m a fan of Jacob and like him better than Edward—but not for Bella. Bella and Edward are perfect for each other. Jacob is not compatible with her (just her egg?) and thus it’s not a good match. So, in Eclipse when he was all “And maybe even then.” after Bella said “Right. Until my heart stops beating.” in that sweat lodge bedroom of his, she should have thought, “Okay, we’ve made our peace. He’s gotten my admission of love and some mountain top tongue action. Neither of us died in battle. Now it’s over. I’m committed to Edward 100% and cannot wait to live my life with him, forever.”  So, when Jacob shows up all shaggy haired and disheveled looking to touch the bride’s shapely body and virgin white dress with his grubby little rejected twice-over hands, do you really want that?

You don’t.

"Remember when Jacob showed up disheveled at our wedding wanting to dance with you? What a lame-o!"

You want him to just do the mature thing and not show up at all. To call or email Bella saying he won’t be able to make it and he’s truly sorry, but he’s just not up for it. He wishes her and Edward all the best and hopes that they can stay friends moving forward. (And to give him a call when her demon fetus comes of age, so that he can finally get laid.) You don’t want him to make some covert just-off-to-the-side-of-the-dance-floor appearance to say his piece before fursploding off into the woods!  Talk about an overreaction to the water for elephant in the room!

The reality is, you want to be a happy occasion that everyone remembers fondly as being fun and pleasant. Sure there’s always the ‘problem person’ (one of my groom’s party members showed up to the ceremony completely wasted. It was…lovely), but if you had the choice of having that or not, do you really want that?

You don’t. You just don’t.

With Kind Regards,
Team Seth

ps-Do you think they’ll play a modified version of White Wedding that says “It’s a nice day for a pale wedding!” ?? (fingers crossed!)

pps-Mr. Seth always say “grubby little hands”, that’s why I threw it in there. Not because Jacob’s massive sexy lingering hands are grubby. Ahem. DH shout out! (teehee, I said DH)

ppps-It’s good to be back! (Said in my Damon voice, as heard in every single “Previously on the Vampire Diaries” from season 1)

Congrats on the new husband, Team Seth!! May your first year of marriage NOT include a baby that eats you from the inside out!!

Team Seth makes some great points…Jacob kinda RUINS the moment there…. I mean… not gonna complain when I see it on screen. Pretty sure I’m going to cry…. What about you??? Did your or does your dream wedding include “Interruption by ex/boy that COULD have been?”

OOPS: Last week, like an idiot, I said if you want to join us for an LTT part in LA in a few weeks (specifically Sunday 11/13) E-mail Us and included the email address for my work. TWICE. So, no- a hot tub company is not looking to throw a Twilight party in a few weeks, but WE are.. so E-mail Us if you’re interested!

REMINDER: Hate the ads? Press MUTE (the volume button) in 4 places. There ya go! All fixed.

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82 Commented

Breaking Dawn: It’s ON

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Well, you know you must be 3 months (to the day) away when I receive official Breaking Dawn pictures via e-mail. It’s never too early to start promoting a movie that will surely break box office records except Harry Potter’s.

I planned to ignore the pictures until Moon & I could give them a proper look-over together (oh yeah- she’s back! She’s safe! We barely talked yesterday because she was busy at work & responding to email threads that were sent 3 weeks ago!) but a few thoughts came to mind that I just had to share when I looked at the pictures for the first time:

Ah the joys of having a husband who doesn’t need to breathe underwater…(one more reason to envy Bella)

THREESOME!

DAD’S ON VACATION and not on a business trip like he told you….. oh.. and he took the babysitter with him…

Taylor’s contract stipulates he must always have a romance going on in his films, so this is the scene they wrote in where Jacob & Rosalie consider getting it on for a hot moment.

“Carlisle? I ate 3 dozen eggs in the last 4 days & I think I lost 3 pounds. Is there something wrong with me?”

Why YES the ass of Bella’s short-shorts says “JERZEY 4 LIFE”

And it hit me, this first part of the movie is ENTIRELY about the honeymoon, isn’t it? Yes they get married. Yes- Bella gets pregnant. But other than that it’s threesomes in a canopy bed, worrying about non-existent fat pouches and Edward in Kmart’s finest selection of Dockers for men!

Can November get here already!?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What did you think of the new stills? And, um, besides the occasional scene of Bella drinking blood… is there anything else going on in this film? Do I need to re-read the 1st half of Breaking Dawn again?

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53 Commented