Breaking Dawn… business cards!?

Dear Twilight,

A few weeks ago USA Today featured the Breaking Dawn promo cards given out at Comic Con (Moon? Are you reading this in Africa? Did you get these). They were horrific.

We’ve seen the pictures before. They are gracing us on the pages of the 2011/2012 Breaking Dawn Calendar. I think they’re supposed to get us excited for Breaking Dawn. Instead….. well, MarbleNutSlut though they looked more like bad business cards:

I jumped in on the fun with my own interpretations:

Looking forward to doing business with these 3!

UnintendedChoice (and MarbleNutSlut!)

Why are these promo pictures so horrible? What other occupations could the Twicast be involved with?

No updates from Moon to report so they must be busy running their camp for kids this week in Kenya! But if she gets a few moments to show her Kenyan friends LTT (Ha!) here is another picture to show how much we miss her!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

37 Commented

Breaking Dawn changes to make quick while no-one’s looking………..

Dear Twilight,

It’s only been a few days since my last letter to you but I feel the need to contact you again as a matter of some urgency regarding the pending release of Breaking Dawn/headboard parts one and two.

I know it’s all wrapped up. I know everyone has gone home, wardrobes have been returned shop-soiled to Gap and Bella’s wig has been returned to world famous pubic hair wig makers ‘Tufty Mufftys’. This letter isn’t directed at the acting crew or even Bill Condon. This is for the group of people who edit the films. I need you to do me a huge favour. When Bill’s not looking, I need you to forget EVERYTHING you were told by smug Scummit executives who’ve never actually read twilight and sneak back in and re-edit the movies using the following criteria (and/or CGI):

Quickly put in MORE of the following:

More of this. Much, Much more

1.Watch the original Twilight again and check out the scene when Edward jumps onto Bella’s truck (this is not a euphemism). He jumped down nonchalantly and pinged her bodywork into place (nor was that). It worked because he looked kind of cool in a not-trying kind of way. That was more like book-Edward. He was fun and playful. Put lots of that stuff in because he’s the one we actually liked and the sole reason we all turned out for the 2nd and 3rd movies and became laughing stocks.

2. Edward’s self-conscious strutting from car to truck in New Moon with resplendent indie/rock backing track. Include more of this, particularly in plaid shirts but not in slow motion because it’s embarrassing when I’m watching with my husband. You could re-do the wedding ceremony and have Edward walking down the aisle towards Bella and Charlie instead of the other way round as a DVD extra.

Just... no!

3. Normal contact lenses. Cathy H = bang on the money. Chris and David = comedy Halloween contacts that even the disturbingly low-hairlined Jessica would notice in the canteen. When Mrs Meyer said gold she meant a subtle yellowy-brown tone not luminous neon yellow like Michael Jackson’s in the Thriller video. Photoshop the eyes if they’ve got it wrong………again.

4. More Headboards. Enough said. If possible combine more headboards with more groaning sounds and more back muscles we never knew he had. You could always skip Breaking Dawn part 2 and just put out a 2 hour film of Edward visiting Dreams the bedstore and trashing every divan. It would be much more interesting and the same audience would still queue overnight to cop an eyeful of that magicness.

5. Bella falling over. It was funny and it happens A LOT in the books which if anyone on the team had actually bothered to read, you would know this. I’d quite like to see her fall off the bed mid-shag and headbutt the wall like I do after 10 vodka’s but hey that’s just me.

Like this except... less Disney-like

6. Fast driving at night with the lights off. Was Cathy the only one who remembered that bit? Forget the faux-fight scenes as you’d impress more guys with a few 100mph handbrake turns in a sporty volvo than Esme trying to look vaguely menacing whilst mum-punching a new born in slacks.

7. Insert the moonlit scene with Edward in the ocean. I’ve seen the trailer and Summit appear to have missed the second best scene in the book. Put the moon behind him. Make him look all marbelly and lovely and WET. You don’t have to add Bella, in fact just place a black sillouette where she would be with a ‘insert your face here’ tag on it as that’s what we’ll all be doing in our heads because we’re NORMAL.

More after the jump! Continue…

74 Commented

Breaking it down: The Font and I talk Taylor, bare feet and DOWN THERE!

Dear Taylor,

Sometimes I end up talking to my guy friends about you and not because they want to but because I commandeer the conversation and we go there. I apologize in advance for talking about some sensitive subjects for both you, Jacob and whatever’s going on beneath the Jorts.

(suck it Chris Hanson!)

A first… breaking it down with me and The Font

Take this invite and shove it!

The one where I totally commandeer the convo
The Font: Moon
Moon: The Font…..
*lots of time passes*
Moon: i take it you saw the new jacob picture but you’re too shy to bring it up?? do you want me to start??
Moon: ok… running barefoot?! wtf? am i right??? just because white bread vanilla snoozville bella and edward sent you an F You! wedding invite doesnt mean you need to risk a cold or worse yet needing a tetanus booster when you inevitably step on a nail from running without shoes.
Moon: you send them a F You! gift from their registry and by gift from their registry i mean a flaming bag of crap thrown onto the cullens front porch!!

What should really happen at Edward & Bella's wedding

Moon: or you streak the wedding, dump a bucket of blood on bella a la “carrie” then yell “they’re all vampires you idiots” at the crowd of dumbass townies who couldnt recognize a werewolf if it phased in front of them……
(it’s your turn to jump in…. anytime now….)

The one where he finally gives in and jumps in
The Font: i go get a hot pocket and come back, and this is what happens?!
The Font: why is he BAREFOOT? is that a werewolf thing? or he does not have the twenty seconds to put on shoes?
Moon: i guess when you’re a werewolf in love with a vampire’s girl, pithy things like footwear doesnt matter. if he gets hurt it heals within minutes anyway so i guess he thinks fuck it, try to kill me tetanus!!!

Not exactly the Sports Authority

The Font: still. just for COMFORT’S sake
Moon: well maybe he’s realized it’s not worth it to lose another pair of shoes, because he’ll just get more pissed off, phase and the shoes will shread to pieces anyway. it’s a shitty economy still. he’s being economical and im sure new running shoes arent exactly cheap at newtons outfitters. its not like sports authority. they gotta put mike through community college somehow.

The one where we discuss Jorts vs Stretchy Pants and modesty

Official uniform of the wolfpack and everyone in our neighborhood

The Font: aren’t there stretch shoes for these kinds of things? the hulk always has stretch pants
Moon: you’d think thatd be the way they’d go, but they like the denim jorts. hipster wolves?
The Font: let’s talk about THAT! if they have JEANS on, how are those not ripping? jeans are not exactly known for their give
Moon: ok, here it is… (twi nerd of the day award) they either take them off and stash them into the woods before the phase, or they shread off their bodies. thats pretty much how the explain it in the books and movies. in the books, apparently, they tie an extra pair of shorts or whatever around their legs, in the movies they stash them in the woods
The Font: so concerned with modesty, these wolves

Dude follow the cut, we talk about naked Jacob and SO much more after this

121 Commented

Who should have played Bella?

Dear Twilight-

It’s no secret that I’m not crazy about Kristen Stewart as an actress. Moon & I have admitted as much way back since the beginning of this blog. Well obviously it’s because she’s with Rob obviously b/c obviously I sensed their magicness the first time I saw Twilight and was so jealous obviously. (Do you see what I did there? I used sarcasm to out myself as a nonsten)

No but seriously, I’ve never been crazy about Kristen Stewart as an actress. I’ve said it time & time again. We don’t need to debate her acting right now. You can like Kristen, I don’t care (But if you want to debate it read this post:  it’s a good read)

But we should talk about this question I thought of yesterday:

As I was driving into work I was thinking about LTT. I was thinking about what Moon and I have done for now over 2 years and how to explain it to someone who is outside of it- maybe to someone who doesn’t know Twilight or anything about the fandom. And I realized (or I admitted) that we’ve said some HARSH things over the years. And every time we have we’ve known the backlash we might get or the reactions we probably could expect. We’ve rarely been surprised by a reaction. So I was thinking about explaining to someone about one of the more contentious things we talk about- Kristen. And I was thinking that this imaginary person talking to me in my car might ask me, “Well, if not Kristen, then who would you want to play Bella? ” and I was stumped by myself talking to myself as an imaginary person asking me that question. (I’m crazy in the car in the morning, clearly.)

I don’t know!? Who would I want to play Bella? Kristen Stewart is Bella! I never thought about that before- I never thought about anyone else playing Bella. We’ve never explored that before, even on LTT. So today we’re going to discuss who should’ve played Bella:

Well the first OBVIOUS choice OBVIOUSLY is.. me!

Here are the reasons why. I’m beautiful, as evidenced by this picture:

(Sidenote: That was made for me LONG Before Face-in-a-hole did it. LOOK at the date on the poster!) Also, I’m very sexy (You know, all the things Bella should be) and I really really really want to make out with Rob on a bed.

Bite Me

Well, if I can’t get the role, then who else? I swear that I remember seeing that Lucy Hale was in the running for Bella at one point. She’s adorable . I love Pretty Little Liars & the scandelous teacher/student relationship. Plus I love those pants movies. But Lucy as Bella? Hmmm… Not so much.

I’ve heard people mention Kat Dennings. Probably because she’s sarcastic & not so super girly- sorta has the Bella personality. But she has really big boobs (NOT how Bella was described). Plus there was a photoshoot she did with Rob oh so long ago…


Stephenie’s first choice was Emily Browning. I don’t know much about her- but she definitely has that “girl next door” LOOK that Moon & I had imagined a little bit more for Bella. I can see why Stephenie picked her.

But WHO ELSE has that Bella persona? And what other American brunette’s have I forgotten to mention? Who could pull it off? Who would just CLICK as Bella?

The reality is, I’ve never thought that someone else should be Bella. I’ve just never THOUGHT about it. And now that I just did in today’s letter, I don’t think anybody else is right for it. Maybe it’s because Kristen’s played her in 3 movies & I can’t imagine anyone else as Bella. When I think of Bella now, I see Kristen in my mind. I don’t even see whoever it was I had pictured as Bella before I knew Kristen would be playing her. There literally is no one else that comes to mind. And despite not enjoying her acting as I never have, obviously because she gets to “do it” with Rob Pattinson obviously, I don’t think anyone else should play Bella, (well, besides myself of course!!)


Congrats Kristen, you ARE Bella to me (exactly what you want to hear!) What do YOU think? Have you ever pictured another actress as Bella? Think anyone else could pull it off better? Pick me! Pick me!

Oh- wanna watch something fun- aka a bad video to a bad song, but fun nonetheless?! Here’s a video showing all of Stephenie’s original cast picks. Some are SO interesting!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

212 Commented

We break down The Cullen Family trip to Pier One Imports

Dear Breaking Dawn, Stephenie Meyer and Edward & Bella Cullen,

A new picture was released? Well, you know what that means. We’re breaking this down Vanity Fair Style

That Explains THAT

UC: Well, I know we’ve gathered here today to discuss the latest underwhel-ment from Breaking Dawn, but we wouldn’t be UC & Moon if we let an opportunity to joke about THIS pass us by:

New Jasper Doll! How many are you gonna buy? Want it for your birthday? It’s ONLY $149.99
Moon: that will haunt me in my nightmares. THAT jasper would definitely try to kill bella and talk with a weird accent for 2 out of the 3 movies
UC: And Bella would gladly let him kill her. Because in Heaven God promises no one who looks as bad as him. I would NOT let THAT Jasper eye F*ck me in a plaza in Philadelphia on a hot summer night
Moon: no way. You can’t talk to that Jasper about red mullets. Come on! How do you screw up a barbie/ken doll version of JASPER? It’s modeled off jackson who has a pretty lady man face and a catfish mouth!!!
UC: i know. I blame China. A factory worker in China. He was tired of his wife’s obsession with the men of the saga
Moon: Who wouldn’t be tired? Men of China care about Rathbonig about as much as men of america
UC: exactly. well that explains that

We get down to business

UC: So another picture from BD was released huh? Can we say overall, now that we have 3 photos & enough to make an appropriate judgement that we are UNDERWHELMED?

Coming soon to a Pier Imports near you...

Moon: By the 3 pictures you mean… 1) feather hands, 2) pants off dance off and 3) pier one lanterns… or my affectionate names for them
UC: of course
Moon: this tells you about how exciting there are

Don't you wish we were on a bear skin rug, Bella?

I mean….. sure…. the one where we get to see Robsten in a position they generally prefer on a bear skin rug is NICE if you’re into that. But LANTERNS? for VTINES day!? COME ON!
Moon: right. nothing says happy valentines day like some sand, a boat and some ambiguously Moroccan lanterns. That pictures is a happy valentines to the dudes out there. There’s a SPEED BOAT!
UC: seriously!!!
Moon: it was for the unicorns and clearly they don’t even know unicorns- Unicorns want to see Alice in her Sobe bikini
UC: Yep. Or Bella’s camel toe in her see-through white bikini
Moon: if it was a happy Valentines Day for the robsten-ers, it’d be a close up of them in the front seat of the speed boat, getting down
UC: Happy V-tines day for Team Jacob would have been a picture of Taylor in love- and somehow proving that they can pull off the Jacob/Renesmee story without creeping us out or having Chris Hansen meet Stephenie outside her hotel room.
UC: Happy Valentine’s day to US would have been Edward.. shirtless in the water… in the moonlight…. Come on Bill Condon & Summit! Let us ask questions about what’s beneath the water for a second…. (“Is Edward wearing water shoes?” That’s what I’d be asking. What did you think I meant?)

Moon: what would have been a better picture for valentines day?
UC: Emmett & Rose dancing at the wedding- Maybe a scene I WISH they had shot & just cut out of the film so that it could be released at at time like this- where Jasper is telling the story of him & Alice and we SEE her approach him in Philadelphia.. sigh… that would be Valentine’s perfection
Moon: my favorite NOT expounding on story line!!!
UC: fail- david slade fail
Moon: stepenie meyer fail!! Forget midnight sun! BLASPHEMY! i wanna know about alice and jasper
UC: I KNOW! Write THAT story! or since we know reverse psychology works on her, Nevermind Stephenie- we HATE jasper & alice and don’t want to know ANYTHNG about them!
Moon: right. DON’T DO IT. We’ll read hunger games/Immortal instruments/Whoever instead
UC: Imma read BRAN HAMBRIC by Kaleb Nation instead!
Moon: right!!! who wants to read about alice and jasper or edward when you can read about a magician named bran!

Edward goes to Rite Aid

Moon: well lets talk about the obvious. what is that scene even from? Like yea isle esme… but… ?
UC: Their arrival??
Moon: When did edward put out lanterns? was it the scared house keeper? Is she a closeted robsten fan and wanted to make their “first time” special?
UC: Maybe Bella fell asleep in the boat ride & he quickly swam to set it up? And stock the place with condoms, which of course he forgot to use?
Moon: HUGE mistake- while Bella was freaking out in the bathroom he should have just swan at vampiric speed back to the mainland to hit up the 24hr Rite Aid
UC: for REAL. Forget lanterns Ed.. where were the condoms!?
Moon: and he could have picked up some Diet Coke, some sunscreen and KY “yours and mine” while he was there. DUH. THAT should have been the picture- Edward picking up late v-day purchases at the Braziliian Rite Aid drugstore
UC: right.. a blue plastic basket filled with necessities… priorities Edward, pssh… lanterns

all in all… Nice Try Breaking Dawn. But come on! Give us something that shows you’re even TRYING down there in Baton Rouge!!!

UC & Moon

What do you think of the new pic released as our Vtines gift!? Getting the Pier One vibe like we are? How many Jasper dolls are you planning to buy!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

158 Commented

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