Kristen has her “Eat, Pray, Love” moment *sigh*

Look it says “Follow your bliss” next to a picture of Deepak Chopra!

Dear Kristen-

You are far too young to be having an “Eat, Pray, Love” moment right now. I get that you’ve had it pretty rough the last few weeks (though probably not totally undeserved) but “finding your truth” is best left to the girls my age who’ve worked in LA for about 5 years and realized they’re NOT going to meet Robert Pattinson by being Agent X’s 2nd assistant in charge of his coffee and dry cleaning and then they take off for Thailand for 2 months and burn every career bridge in the quest to “follow their bliss.”

The news about you not even READING Eat, Pray, Love but that after WATCHING Eat, Pray, Love with Julie Roberts you became interested in Gandhi and his writings which it totally weird to me because I really don’t remember Gandhi even being mentioned in that movie. And furthermore, if you’re getting off on Gandhi let’s remember he was a Hindu and they believer in the power of Karmic retribution and you might REALLY want to think about what you’ve put out there and what you might get back.

Oregano?

Instead of posting up in the “Spirituality” section of Barnes and Noble and creating a “Vision Board” with pictures of Jodi Foster and puppy dogs and Emily the Strange stickers in your quest to “visualize” your future maybe you should just own up to getting caught and then go watch something like “Friday Night Lights” and cry and think about how much you can learn from a real woman like Tami Taylor and not from Julia Roberts’s character who uses and abuses.

So Rupert Sanders may have “found his true north” in a mini cooper but giiiiirrll there’s more to life than a rerun of Eat, Pray, Love on Starz at 2 in the morning. I believe in you!

Namaste!
Themoonisdown

PS Kristen, it’s really shitty that the holy trinity won’t be at the final fan convention. Like REALLY. Way to screw that up.

Source: Radar (take it with a grain of salt, y’all!)

37 Commented

Back to December and back to Swiftner, we break it down

Dear Swiftner (aka Taylors’ Swift and Lautner),

We miss you… a lot. We love each one of you… a lot. And now Taylor Swift has written a song about you Taylor Lautner and we want a reunion… here we are to break it down. DUH.

Have a listen here:
Taylor Swift – Back to December
[audio: http://letterstotwilight.com/music/BacktoDecember.mp3]

What could have been…… awwww…

The one where we go back to December, lit-trally
UC: okay let’s talk some Swift
Moon: yes, can i tell you my fave feature of itunes is “date added”… listening… omg my boss must think im crazy i have this blaring
UC: hahaha… youre trying to be “well rounded”
Moon: back to december allll the time. ok ok taylor im opening ltt’s dec 2009 archives… clearly taylor is an ltt fan cause dec is our anni month
UC: happy anniversary us!
Moon: awww the lautner family xmas letter. tay is sad she wont make it this yr
UC: i just saw that
Moon: oh we did a tay laut appreciate sunday in dec
UC: yeah… they were TOTES on in Dec. is that when it fell apart? Or was December a happy month?
Moon: OH right he was on SNL this month… dude what happened?! when were they seen out all those times with to go boxes? and his sports car
UC: i thought that was in the spring, but that must have been before… ohhh wait you wrote to the Taylors here and then we broke down swiftner like crazy robsten fans in OCTOBER of 2009, OCT 29 2009
Moon: awwwww memories
Moon: rainbows, unicorns… lisa frank folders
UC: it was perfection

The one where we think we know what happened

UC: and we know now, b/c of song and….. i’m now even MORE convinced this song is about them .. the timing was off in my head.i thought Swiftner was in the winter/early spring. but no… it was fall into CHristmas season
Moon: well when i was in planes, trains and hospitals last week i read like EVERY rag mag and she said it was about him pretty much
UC: and while I have to admit I’ve spent a long time listening to her new album over the past week, i think that this is how it went down: they met. They had so much fun. they liked each other. HE admitted the feelings were strong, and she did not. she hurt him. he left. she misses him, she’s sad, writes hit song. we break it down… and hopefully one day see her in concert ( I love Taylor) Because remember when that super secret source who is friends with Taylor told us they were NEVER really Swiftner and we were heart-broken? well, I still think that might be true…. and that Tay Lautner wanted to be Swiftner. HE wanted matching Lisa Frank trapper keepers & white baby kittens to hold together under a fuzzy pink blanket but something scared Taylor Swift off- I’m gonna go with Joe Jonas. And Ashley Greene- cuz she’s fun to blame even though they weren’t together then and Summit. Let’s blame Summit
Moon: hahaha, cause everyone loves to blame them for everything.
UC: Taylor Swift saw Robsten- and what happened with them- the rabid fans & the manips of their lovemaking in front of the fire (mostly from us) and didn’t want to BE Swiftner and broke Taylor’s heart
Moon: i think they were having a good ol time filming Valentines Day. they hung out, “dated” with chaperone’s (aka big daddy), vma nonsense with Kanye happened, things heated up, love declared on SNL, then BOOM johnmayer/joejonas/whoever called

The one where Taylor Swift is scared of the fireplace

Wait, is this a manip?!

UC: she says “Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind”
Moon: fear of the fireplace
UC: Fear = The Swiftner version of Robsten Fans making love videos
Moon: it’s alright to be scared the first time taylor
UC: Don’t fear the fireplace Taylor!
Moon: we’ll walk you through it
UC: haha we’ll make a step by step guide to rocking the fireplace, also rocking in front of the fireplace
Moon: taylor laut no doubt has his v card so it’ll be quick
UC: Yes- it’ll be his vcard disappearing that night.. yours will barely be touched.
.
The one where the Jersey Shore gets involved

Yup, totes DTF

UC: So let’s get back tko the lyrics though- as they tell a good story…….in December, of 2009, after they went out to celebrate LTTs 1 year anniversary…
Moon: Clearly.
UC: it sounds like Taylor gave her flowers….. probably got down on one knee and asked her to make Swiftner official. NO doubt he had breadsticks in hand to seal the deal and she said NO
UC: and dropped the flowers- or he did. ANd they wilted. Like their almost Swiftner relationship
Well, it says it right there- “SO good to me. SO right” I think she loves it. She sings “It turns out freedom aint nothin’ but missin’ you, wishin’ I’d realized what I had when you were mine” It sounds like Mr. Lautner was laying down the law… saying. enough of flirting with boys from Nashville.. I want you all to myself Taylor
Moon: dude TAYLOR LAUTNER get your people on the phone, charter a flight and get to wherever Swifty is because as The Situation and Pauly D say: TAYLOR SWIFT IS DTF!!!!!!!!!
UC: You’re right she was JUST DTF
Moon: she realizes she had it GOOD and john mayer is a toolbag and she wants his assssszzzzz back
UC: she sings about wanting Freedom- but “Freedom” meant getting screwed & felt up by a dude with backne (aka John Mayer). i don’t mean screwed like Effed, I mean screwed over and felt up after having to give him a massage over his backne.
Moon: screwed as in he stole her publishing rights on a song they cowrote. LICENSING NERD ALERT!!! john mayers no fool. he sees her #1 songs

Follow the cut to read the rest of our break down, to see who we blame and the bet we place
Continue…

117 Commented

If not you, Twilight. It’s me…

(While I’m away in Kenya for 2 weeks (TWO WEEKS! AH!!!) we’ll be featuring past letters writers as well as new ones and today we have a newbie: KSiggy2010 writing a break up letter. NOOOO say it ain’t so! xo,moon)

uh ooooohhh

Dear Twilight,

We have to talk. No, please don’t cry. It’s all going to be okay. We’ve been together for a year and a half now, and it was a fun time. But I think I may be over. It’s not you, it’s me. I was young and naïve when we first got together, but now things are going to be changing. I start college in the fall and I don’t want to do the long distance thing. I’m sorry but I’m going to have to let you go. Don’t cry! If you start crying, I’ll start crying. But it won’t change anything.

Remember all the good times we’ve had. Like the time my mother *50 year old cougar* and I went to see the 100 monkeys…twice. This was back in May ’09 when he was still hott, without his catfish facial hair and side talking. That was a good time, we got to see Philadelphia and the skeezy parts of Allentown. That was my first time, the popping of my Twilight cast cherry.

My second time was better than my first; it went much smoother and was relatively painless. My mother booked two bus tickets to go into NYC to see Tim Burton’s exhibit at the MOMA. Coincidentally, Rob’s Remember Me premiere was also going on…totally didn’t plan that *wink* So I obsessively checked Twitter  to see what was going down and got my wristband and chilled till the epicness of the movie premiere began. We stood in line for hours on end, but then Rob came *twss* over in his hobo greatness, with his unwashed hair, and his two button downs. It was hard *twss* to believe that this man could be even more attractive in person, but he was. Then some chick was there with a greasy black mullelephant. She didn’t come over and there may have been some *bitchfacing* going down on my side.

I don't want you to come... to college with me...

There are so many other things that happened through our Twilight relationship. I cannot see a group of bears or wolves without yelling “They are NOT bears!” whilst pointing and jumping. That can get you some strange looks in a toy store, and maybe a special hug from the security guards. Whenever someone offers me a grape lollipop, I have to say, “Purple’s cool”. I can’t go to TGI Fridays and watch people drink an Ultimate Margarita while Van Morrison croons “Wild Nights” on April 9^th and not think about, you, Twilight *this really did happen and it blew my mind*.

I cannot go into my dorm room in September with my New Moon AND Eclipse full size Edwards, pocket Edward, my photo albums, and fanfiction binders. I think it’s time we take a break. Maybe we can get together when I’m home for breaks? I’m sure my mother would be willing to entertain you. So Twilight, it’s not you, it’s me. But believe me I’ll be there cringing when you bring us Breaking Dawn.

You’ll always be in my heart,
KSiggy2010

Oh KSiggy don’t let our love die! NOOOO. I think you can have the best of both worlds, college AND Twilight. It’s all about the balance and leaving those cardboard standups at home. Oh and don’t pass up an opportunity to go out with friends, party or meet people for staying in your room and doing Twilight stuff. It will always be there! College will not! Have fun and let’s all give KSiggy2010 some college advice… can we really have the best of both worlds or will we all inevitably “grow out” of this stage?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

103 Commented

Alas poor Swiftner!..We knew thee..NOT so well

Our silence on the topic of the fake-break-up-cuz-they-never-really-were “Swiftner”  has been hard for you. I know. We couldn’t quite put into words what we were feeling since we heard the news. So, we’ll let this fan letter be an offering of sincere sorrow for the ending of our favoritest fake relationship on the entire planet.

Dear Swiftner,

The ice cream and tissues are running out, “Ghost” is being watched and cried over and Streisand’s “The Way We Were” is on repeat. You came (That’s what she said but we don’t believe her cause you’re not legal), we sighed and then suddenly… it was over and no one cared cause some kid in a shoe shirt took pics with Robsten. Did you sigh in relief that the pressure was off? I mean, there were no wrist-holding pictures to squee over, we didn’t even have enough time to make manips of you in sexually suggestive poses or with your beautifully squinty-eyed children in a Lautner family portrait on Christmas day or even a simple slide show set to “Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. I, contrary to popular opinion, am shattered over your demise (Yes he’s back on the market but it’s not like he’ll be professing his love for ME anytime soon *snort* …as a BFF of course)

You’re keeping the true reason for the break-up under wraps (good on ya! Robsten has taught you well) but that means rumours are rife and so, I’d like to address them…cause then I can finally move on and refill my meds.

He wanted to get some protein in her…she didn’t

Apparently Big Daddy was messing up his plans to create the ULTIMATE TAYLOR WORKOUT video. There were gonna be leotards (for both of them…mmmmm), a featurette on the “perfect meat patty” and Swifty’s version of “Let’s get physical” as a DVD bonus that automatically unlocked itself after the 11th of February. Damn you Big Daddy for making junk food look as sexy as you! How could anyone resist?

penis

PENIS

PEEENNISS

i

am

like

It was all a media stunt

Pffft…yeah right…next thing you’ll be telling me that this was aaaall for some movie they’ve been doing…What? Swifty is HOW old? That can’t be right…That means she’s not in high school (wait..does Chris Hansen know about this?) So all these pics I’ve stuck on my sparkly, pink fur three ring binder…it’s all..*blink*…*bite lip*..fake? But all the angles…and the passion…NO ONE makes out that long for a movie right?

a

lame

14

yr

old

boy

!

There was no chemistry

Swifty are you serious? No chemistry? Weren’t you guys all over each other? Holding wrists…err..hands? …making out in taxi cabs?…taking individual pics with kids?…looking cozy at “makes-me-wanna-have-sex-faster-than-listening-to-Marvin Gaye” KOL concerts? NO? Oh right…That’s Robsten…You guys just looked adorably, squee-ably, teeth-hurtingly, un-touchy-feely cute. Does that mean we got it all wrong? Did we jump the gun faster than we would have jumped Rob behind a dumpster? Were you guys just (gasp! shock! horror!) BFF’s all along? Dun dun dunnnnnn….

i miss

swiftner

even

tho they never really existed

Kanye kept butting in …and he brought the Hansen as his wingman

Turns out Kanye wasn’t too pleased with boy Tay’s performance on SNL and squealed on them to Chris Hansen. Who did we see hiding in the backseat with a “Team Edward cause he’s legal” thermos of iced tea, waiting for them to park on “Lover’s Point” and make out to “Your body is a wonderland” ? Yup! You guessed it!…somehow having a 50 year old tapping you on the shoulder asking you to get off him and take a seat UP FRONT AND AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!! ruins a good night. Add Kanye telling you through the partially steamed up windows that Rizzo and Kenickie had the best make-out scene in a car (of ALL TIME!) and you know the relationship is doomed.

Enablers point fingers at some chick named “Illegal”

I love you guys but there are crazies on other sites claiming responsibility for this already. I just can’t steal their thunder…or their delusional fantasies. My therapist says I can take responsibility for only one celeb break up at a time and currently I’m embroiled in the Robsten saga…I own a kick-ass shoe shirt and I look deceptively 10 years old when I’m actually 23…

Sigh…I can let you go now…unless you’re planning to revisit the epic-ness after February *wink wink*. If it happens, I’ll be there at your next “date”. I’ll be the one holding the boom box over my head blasting Little Mermaid’s “Kiss the Girl” while wearing a pink, bedazzled, “Swiftner forevah!” shirt. Till then…ILY

Off to buy more ice cream and tissues,

Love,

Illegal

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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Someone's breaking up with you, Twilight

*So last night I may or may not have seen New Moon AGAIN (I won’t even keep track of what number this was at this point) with a couple of virgins and it was splendid and reminded me of all the craptastic and fun and awful things about Twilight the movie which Luladee sums up perfectly in her letter… so I’ll let her take the reigns!*

I'm leaving you for another movie...

Dear John Twilight the movie,

This has been a long time in coming. I wasn’t sure that I would ever have the strength to be able to say this, but recently things have changed and I know now what I have to do.

I’m breaking up with you.

It was never going to work. Oh, there was potential. I did love your book after all. When I found out you were coming to town, I couldn’t wait to meet you! I just knew that we would click and fall madly in love. I know you felt it too. But there’s something I never told you…

I never loved you. In fact, I didn’t even really like you very much. I tried to, I really did. I thought our first date was a fluke… Maybe it was me. Perhaps I shouldn’t have had that fifth second drink (I was really nervous). Maybe I had unfair expectations thinking we were meant for each other and all. So I went out with you again, sure that this date would go much better….it was just as bad as the first. I was crushed, but in denial. I mean, my friends seemed to think you were great. They kept talking about you and found ways to overlook your idiosyncrasies. I thought I could grow to love you, but after our third date, which I was late for (you didn’t even notice), I knew that I would never and COULD never love you. But I sort of faked it for awhile anyway. I thought for sure you knew, but then you aren’t very good at spotting bad acting.

Follow the cut to read the rest of Luludee’s Dear John letter to Twilight the movie
Continue…

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