Chris Weitz Porn– err pom

This begins our countdown until next week when both Moon & I enter a new stage in our jobs where we can find time for each other longer than a quick “Hi FML” for 5 minutes each day. 5 days to go…

Dear LTT,

I know, I know we’ve done the Alpaca Llama thing to death. I mean, Taylor looks like a llama! There are llama farms in Forks! Haha. So funny. But as luck would have it, an anonymous LTTer (not me, but anonymous for her or his(!) dignity’s sake) had a dream in which Chris Weitz was a Pomeranian. It was one of those Princess and the Frog type of story lines in which she or he(!) kisses the pooch and it becomes the DILF (x2 almost, btw!). The catch being that after ten seconds of the most recent human kiss, he turns back into the Pomeranian. Very awkward indeed.

When she or he told me about this dream, I knew there was only one rational response. Since I’m a good friend and really love procrastinating, I felt the only thing I could do was create, say, a minimum of five mash-ups of Chrispom (which, adorably, looks a lot like Chrisporn):

After that happened and I increased the day’s happiness levels for everyone who received the Chrispom, an email thread regarding “We should do the other directors! David Slade clearly is a naked mole rat” ensued. These were the results:

As you can see, Taylor is not the only one who can be compared to a domestic and/or wild animal to bring about happiness in one’s day.

Chrispom Forever!!!

With Kind Regards,

Team Seth

In other news, Team Seth’s letter today informed me that Alpacas=Lamas. I did not know this. I might be dumb.

Remember this from the good ol’ days?

GUYS: I’m going to the Sam Bradley/Marcus Foster show tonight. Hold me! – UC xx

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47 Commented

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn Vanity Fair Style

Reminder note: There are THREE auto-playing video ads- two in the side, one ALL the way below. Hit the volume button ONCE & it should mute them for eternity. 

Dear Breaking Dawn,

It’s been TWO WEEKS since you came out to the public & we’ve sighed with you, cried with you, fell in love with you, been jealous of your immense wealth and now… well, it’s time to laugh at you. No, this isn’t a Break Down of the entire movie.. we do have lives, but it is a break down of some of our most favorite parts! Someone give Billy Burke & Anna Kendrick an Oscar already!

Watch out! Anna is about to kill it

UC: Moon. It’s been two weeks. And I gotta be honest.. we were in a “Breaking Dawn was SO GOOD (as compared to the other movies” haze for awhile there…. How are you feeling? I mean how are WE feeling, since we’re the same person usually except you have better hair? And I love cats more
Moon: HA. my one quality. Its been a week and some change, I’ve seen it 3 times and I gotta say I’m still feeling good about it
UC: Me too
Moon: it’s held up every time and each time I found something different to like… and also some things that made me go HUH?! cause it wouldn’t be a twilight movie without a few things we laughed at
UC: it would be SAD if we didn’t laugh I’d quit probably!!! Hear that movie makers (aka Stephenie & Wyck who we like to think loves us)??? Don’t make BD Part 2 too good
UC: I mean… I feel good enough that I’ve kinda been defensive (in my head- never out loud. I keep that baby tucked inside) when I hear criticism
Moon: oh i defs get defensive but i think it’s just because all the years of keeping it in wore off
UC: did you go ape shit on some 12 year olds who were complaining Jacob didn’t get enough screen time?
Moon: right, Steph & Wyck: PLEASE make sure to include some easter eggs for us. Some laughs. Some jessica stanley goodness too
UC: SERIOUSLY… a dream sequence or something… i dunno how else she’ll be in it
Moon: cant EVER let a movie go by without anna kendrick KILLING IT
UC: make Bella DEF run into a tree her first time running around. The Spider Monkey tree- FULL CIRCLE Y’ALL
Moon: jessica could be a Volturi wife. i don’t care
UC: Speaking of that.. Guaranteed Anna’s contract has a stipulation that says “okay- she’ll do this film BUT only if you let her Kill it AT LEAST ONCE. But probably more like 3 times”
Moon: and lauren mallory could be the other. she’s never been in any other twi film, but why not whip her out for the last one??
Moon: Anna’s contract includes her being able to be awesome and probably ad lib any of her lines. cause she’s better than the script

The Dexter of Vampires

Moon: Can I mention the flashback of edward being the “Dexter of vampires??” Though i totally loved the look/feel of the scene and well it’s Rob, i could have totally done with someone else’s backstory AND is that even in the books???
Cause i just thought he ran away from carlisle to be a bad boy for a few yrs. never that he was off killing bad guys
UC: Umm.. i THINk he was.. but I don’t think she ever went into detail?
Moon: its like mel mel stole a line from her own tv show
UC: HAHA she got confused a second.
Moon: her assistant mixed in a page from one of her dexter scripts
UC: She was like… wait.. the Ice Truck killer is in this script? This must be Dexter
Moon: also did that hat Edward was wearing even fit?? Robert must have my problem: big head syndrome – its hard for people like us to look good in hats

Catherine Hardwicke, on Screen

Moon: Also can we talk about how charlie / billy burke knocks it out of the park EVERY damn time??? its like him and anna kendrick in a battle for the 6th man award of the twilight cast
UC: YES. and win. Tied . Every year
Moon: put them in coach!!! EVERY TIME. i mean the misty eyes and the joke about Renee being old
UC: Yessss
Moon: and “don’t let me fall, dad…” “never” DIE. DEAD
UC: What a perfect mustached ma

Got a notice from the neighbors about needing to wear more clothes...

Moon: wait, first can we go back to renee and her slutty shorts???
UC: Yes- and how she FOUND OUT about the wedding from an invite?
Moon: is that for REAL???

UC: also…. do you feel like she is Catherine Hardwicke on Screen? Cuz i do
Moon: YES! I mean the Cullen’s didn’t even call her mom? or as renee’s too busy cutting the legs off her old denim bell bottoms to pick up??
UC: she lost her cell phone again. she’s no longer “Texting” She was with Cathy the Cougar at Happy Hour. Every day. And night. And morning actually. Loves mimosas
Moon: oh 100% renee is the embodiment of Cathi: the beach house in venice, the straw cowboy hat… all she’s missing is a drum circle in her front yard
UC: Gift idea for the Edward Cullen Family to give Grandma!!
Moon: some damn clothes — and a new djembe drum
UC: or maybe a framed picture of the first time Renesmee read her mind. Which was the last time Edward allowed it, since Renee was thinking about Phil without his baseball uniform on.

Moon gets WAY confused

Moon: OK i have a question since i’ve read BD the least
UC: Okay
Moon: in the book didnt renee and phil have a kid and bring him to the wedding???
UC: whattt?? really?? they have a baby???? Maybe?? worst fans of the year right here?
Moon: or am i confusing breaking dawn with the princess diaries??? [ Long pause] yea it’s defs the princess diaries. cause renee and anne hathaway’s mom are essentially the same person to me.
UC: hahahahahahhaha. did you google it?
Moon: WHOOPS had a rick perry moment there
UC:you’re right. that’s totally princess diaries
Moon: so yea renee and phil DO NOT have a child and bring him to bell and Edward’s wedding in Genovia. Where bella’s gran, julie andrews, is the queen. YEA that DID NOT happen
UC: they do sing songs at the bachelorette party though, right? And slide down the stairs? rose, Alice & Bella?
Moon: oh they def do some stair surfing with mattresses from their beds. with raven simone
UC: That’s SO Raven!
Moon: Bella kinda IS Mia Thermopolis minus the brows and the whole royal blood thing
UC: hahaha.. please tell me you just read her name and didn’t remember it
Moon: Oh No… I remember it..
UC: I’m so proud. Our very own “Princess Diaries Dork of the Day” right here…

The virgin tux

Moon: ANYWAYYYY back to the wedding which was like the BEST EVER!!! So in bella’s dream about the wedding…i like the subtle nod to edward’s virginity with his all white tux… which no man has ever looked good in. Its like welcome to 1981!!!
UC: A virgin in 1981. So hot
Moon: he was only missing a mullet
UC: And the dress… I mean… it’s like they WANTED us to freak out & think WTF IS THIS DISASTER, and then wow us with the amazing REAL thing
Moon: it was nice but it was too modern/david’s bridal… i mean ALFRED ANGELO/mall type dress. Too generic for Bella’s dress
UC: they wanted people to ALMOST walk out
Moon: i like that it was strapless because it made bella look like she was walking down the aisle naked for a few secs. like those awful dreams here you show up to class naked
UC: i know. I liked that. Because for a hot second I thought we might see Edward Naked. Then I thought for another hot second about what a cold, white penis might look like. And got scared
Moon: instead we see them on a pile of bodies. AMAZING
UC: And then I was glad it was a dream sequence. Didn’t want to be more scared than I am of normal penises. Also I just made it seem like I only like Black penises, which is true
Moon: i wanted them on top of the bodies to be their cake topper, thats what it made me think of
UC: I thought black penises. you thought cakes
Moon: i’m purer than you
UC: so much purer. White tux purer
Moon: ok so besides the replica bella’s dress, they should sell the bella and edward bride and groom on top of dead bodies as a cake topper in stores. SYNERGY! Are you listening marketing dept??? i know you are.
UC: of course they are. or at least the company that made that vampire dildo is. Still waiting for our commission checks on that one!!
Moon: Srsly. we’e talked about the VAMP enough. I hope they at least sent one to rob. great white elephant regift for him– and make everyone think they modeled it after his REAL… thing

Less Penises, after the jump! Continue…

110 Commented

Things I miss about Twilight

Dear Twilight,

I’ve had some time to do some thinking on my mini-break while Moon is in Europe & a few things have come to mind: I miss you. I miss when you were EVERYWHERE. Sure you’re still around. And this Fall you’ll be crazy again with Breaking Dawn Part 1, but I miss when everyday things made me think of you & made me laugh in the oddest ways.

I had a great opportunity to meet 2 girls I met through LTT who are from BELGIUM (remember Alice & Bella from Not an Addikt?) this past weekend in New York. I’ll share more about that later, but being with them reminded me of a few things I miss. So without further ado:

Cathy Hardi & her love for the Ultimate “Cougarita” at TGIFridays. Why TGIFridays? Why a big, watered-down margarita? Who knows! But it fits, you know it does:

Click me for ultimate LOLs

Big Daddy and his love for Fish-o-Filet sandwiches (and our inability to call that sammy by the correct name), The Olive Garden & any sort of fried delight:

Buttcrack Santa and all the places he’d pop up. Plus it gave us many excuses to post disgusting pictures of drunk, naked Santa Clauses:

I miss you

Wolfgirl. You early readers will remember when Moon & I started a campaign to marry Taylor Lautner & my youngest sister:

Meeting Stephenie Meyer cause that was just awesome. And this June is really hard without excitement like last year!

I also miss that hairclip. I lost it.

Moon cause she does stuff like this, among other things:

I could go on and on!!! I’ll save more for another time.  What do you miss!?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

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196 Commented

Where are they now? with Solomon Trimble

Dear Solomon Trimble (yes, you read that right),

Over our self imposed “Spring Break” and then my birthday I did a lot of deeeeeep thinking. What’s the meaning of life? How can we solve extreme poverty? He named his dog Bear? Was Rover/Buddy/Bailey/Fido taken? Why’s it called Rhode Island if it’s neither a road nor an island? You know, the important stuff. Somewhere between world peace and the perfect apple pie recipe (nutmeg!) I started wondering what you were up to. We joke that maybe you’re working the late shift at Home Depot or maybe (horror of horrors) Cathy Hardwicke’s pool boy but really WHAT are you doing??

Then we received the following from our twitter friend LJSzab

Yup, “Twilight’s Solomon Trimble” is a (short) film star! Gone are the days of playing second fiddle to some wanna be heart throbs called Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. Move over boys we have a REAL man on our hands. So of course even just watching that little trailer made me wonder a lot of things…

Things I wondered while watching watching the trailer for The Price:

• So does The Price take place in the future? In the past? On the back lot of Universal where they keep the Back to the Future III props stored?

They can't see me and I can't smell me!

• Did someone throw a stink bomb on the set or did Solomon have tacos for lunch and didn’t want to pass out from his own fumes whilst robbing the old tyme-y bank thus wrapped a white pashmina around his delicate lady hairs?

• Wait, in this version of the old west they have 15 passenger church vans instead of horses? Probably makes the bank robbing easier but confuses the HALE outta the locals. Witchcraft!!!!

• Does the ONLY girl in the film have to knock the (cowboy) boots with any of these dudes? Was this: http://www.sadtrombone.com the soundtrack?

This is what we in the biz refer to as FX. HQ FX!

• When I tried to find this trailer on YouTube, YT kept prompting me to watch “The Price is Right” videos. I think they realize the future of the folks from “The Price” is actually game show contestants.

• A 20 second video of UC and I singing the love theme from Twilight while playing with some plastic action figures in a park has more views than this trailer. Should we or the people behind The Price be ashamed?

• Where are the vampires?? Did I miss him phasing into a wolf?

Being the inquisitive soul who must quench her thirst for ALL Solomon Trimble knowledge I went to the films website and discovered this little gem on “The Talent” page…

Actual photo used with his bio. Text and all

ACTOR (Arrio): Solomon Trimble –  The native Portlander Solomon Trimble is a recently discovered actor, having his  cinematic debut in the film Twilight. Prior to landing that role, he had been in  many productions in the Portland area since the age of nine. Solomon recently  graduated with a degree in mathematics from Portland State University.  He works with the  Portland Public Schools teaching math, guitar, poetry, Native American dance and  lectures on the traditional use of Tobacco/Tobacco cessation. He can also be  sighted at many poetry venues in Seattle and the downtown Portland area.  Solomon has been performing his poetry across America and plans to publish a  poetry book this year. Solomon is Apache/Lakota and comes with unique  perspectives on race-relations, history and culture in America.   Solomon is currently on tour in Europe dancing with a cultural indigenous dance  troop called the Wolf Dancers.

Don't make me lecture you about poetry and "tobacco!!"

FIRST OFF: “…lectures on the traditional use of Tobacco/Tobacco cessation.” – We were all thinking it. Translation rollin on dubs smokin on buds… we got your number Solomon but if you want to lecture to the youths about tokin’ it up and call it education SNAPS TO YOU MY FRIEND! And wtf Portland School Administrators!?!

Next: “…plans to publish a  poetry book this year.” – YES! Just, YES!

Lastly: “…a cultural indigenous dance  troop called the Wolf Dancers” – Mmmmhmmm yea. So they could also be called the “I-was-the-original-Sam-Uley-in-Twilight-before-I-got-dropped-for-that-guy- who-talks-like-Barry-White-but-whatever-Wolf-Dancers.”

So for all who were wondering, including myself whether Solomon Trimble had been scooping ice cream at the Dairy Queen or starring in short films while teaching Portland school children about traditional uses of tobacco, then YES to the last two. That’s that he’s been up to! Now I can sleep easier.

Deeeeeep thoughts with
Themoonisdown

So was anyone else wondering all these things? Do wyou deeply care about Solomon Trimble like we do? Have any of your children sat in on a lecture about the traditional use of tobacco? Did you get pass the dutchy on the left hand side?

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49 Commented

Twilight News Dump – The Of Course edition

We’re crazy bro!!!

Dear LTT-ers,

Since there’s nothing HUGE happening (besides the filming of Breaking Dawn) and tons of tiny little things happening AND because when I realize that some of you great readers only come here for I news, I thought it might be nice to have a news dump.

OF course Jackson would be wearing red pants and a top hat in a picture for something called the “Liquid Zoo” album and tour… of which I will not be purchasing OR attending. Love you Jacky! PS 40 cities?? REALLY?? OF COURSE!

Of course the day AFTER BrookeLockart shows up to The Grove in LA from outta town, Ashley Greene would make an appearance there. OF COURSE!

Of course at the Breaking Dawn wrap party the cast took turns riding a teeeeny tiny motorcycle that Taylor brought. I bet Big Daddy was sad. OF COURSE!

Of course Robert Pattinson is going to be on 10546546 TV Shows to promote Water for Elephants! And of course you know they’re gonna ask about Twilight and of course they’re gonna ask about you know who and OF COURSE we (meaning Jena) have you covered on the DVR alerts page.

Of course the pie guy slash the guy from The Fall talks to us Twi fans and makes me more excited to see him as Garrett whoever that is. I hope Garrett is a pie maker.

Of course Carlisle Cullen would land at #2 on the Forbes list of most wealthy fictional characters and OF COURSE his cover would be blown because they list his stocks in blood and his “daughter” Alice’s penchant for seeing the futre. GOOD JOB fake Forbes, now they have to move again! OF COURSE! #respectthecullens

Of course we all thought the Official Twilight Illustrated Guide was never coming out so OF COURSE you are really confused when it showed up in your mail today but OF COURSE you ordered it back in 2008. If you didn’t you can get it here

Of coure Catherine Hardwicke talks about Twilight and Rob while doing promo for her OTHER (laughable, LIT-TRALLY) movie. And OF COURSE we roll our eyes. SHOW US THE TAPE! Shut up or put up! Or whatever the saying is.

So of course now you’re all caught up on all the news that doesn’t matter and of course all we really want are some legal OFFICIAL stills or maybe a teensy clip from Breaking Dawn but we’ll solider on and pray that November 18 comes faster than it already is.

Happy Hump Day!
Themoonisdown

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121 Commented