Breaking Down the Breaking Dawn Trailer! Rageward, Breeds and Awkwardness!

Dear Breaking Dawn and Bill Condon and Stephenie and LTT-ers,

OMG!!! I just got so excited, apparently it took a well timed and well cut trailer to get me back in this game but I’m here baby and we’re ready to break this Breaking Dawn trailer down!

So put me in coach and LET’S DO THIS! (sorry,wrong movie)…

The One Where They Can NEVER Get It Right…
Moon: myelloooo runaways and eclipse are on tv right no. fyi
UC: orgasm. kristen gasm
Moon: oh nakey jakey….. ok anyway! so lets do this
UC: okay LET’s and i’m druhnk like runk! so sorry in advnace
Moon: ok go… AH it goes so quick in the beginning!
UC: is it suposed to sound like crap ? and just be FLASHES of images?
Moon: fun note/trivia: there is ALWAYS a beach/water in the opening shot
UC: ALWAYS

We look awful!

Moon: ok freeze it at :11 we HAVE to talk about carlisle’s awful hair. i mean WTF is going on?
UC: it’s falling out” early on-set vampire baldness?
Moon: even the ice truck killer behind him wants to kill that wig
UC: it’s fake HAHAHAHAH forgot about him
Moon: its like HOW do they ef up the hair EVERY TIME???!!! EVERY.TIME.
UC: EVERY TIME. the wig people must be OLD
Moon: like im pretty sure jasper has had diff hair color and style EVERY time
UC: yeah- NOT consistent with the book
Moon: alice looks like a soccer mom with a van
UC: hahahahahahhaahahaahah and Emmett looks like a Ken doll. Rosalie looks… the best! & Esme looks the same
Moon: i mean its supposed to be short and spikey not “i just cut orange slices for the soccer game” short

Bella: "FML!"

UC: and then there are the playboy bunnies behind them. Where’s Hef?
Moon: aawwwwwww, the girls next door showed up for the big day! aka the bitch edward ran off to in midnight sun
UC: Are they the denalis?
UC: They’re hot
Moon: yea the girls next door are the denali’s
UC: no wonder Bella was jealous
Moon: for realzzzzzz. thats like miss january, feburary and march coming to your wedding

I feel ill....

The One Where Cedric Got The Flu
UC: Are the girls, Alice, Rosealie and Esme not IN the wedding?
UC: I don’t know how I feel about this.. did that not happen in the book?
Moon: i guess not… i read it once, remember?
UC: haha okay

Moon: ok so we can see sleeves on the dress
UC: Besides looking like she stayed up for an all-nighter learning her “better for worse” lines.. Kristen looks GORGEOUS. Rob… ugh….
Moon: right kristen looks great. rob looks like cedric. the hair is SO awful
UC: Cedric with the flu. SO awful
Moon: like i said on twitter a few days ago HOW in the world do you make rob look bad??!! its like a summitt super power or something
UC: Yeah they are the ONLY ones. them at that photographer who shot Rob as a

I've still got that Snapple Cap

pre-teen in his boxers. they are the only ones
Moon: if they wanted him to look gross they could have just let him wear what he wore to set that day, or whatever he’s currently wearing in london RIGHT NOW
UC: exactly
Moon:“as long as we both shall live” HALF SMILE. the edwad half smile!!! finally some stuff from the books
UC: FINALL Y. they remember we liked those first

Follow the jump because things get awkward, weird, inappropriate and everything else you’d expect from us
Continue…

184 Commented

Twilosophy of Sad Endings

Dear Twilight and your readers,

On the heels of a the season finale of Dexter last night I got to thinking about sad endings and how no one’s immune to them even vampires and werewolves and their human friends. We all know how the Twilight saga ends and whether Bella ends up with who you want or how it all happens it’s not without it’s sad moments much like Dexter. He loses her

Jacob and Bella – *sigh* I know most of you ladies are Team Edward but can we please have a moment for what could have been for Bella and Jacob. If it wasn’t for that blasted Mercedes in the rear view mirror and maybe a few more months they could have ended up together in a relationship that started as friends and grew to much more. I think I *sigh* for Jacob because we’ve all been the second choice at some point and that’s painful. We know the outcome is for the best but it doesn’t make it any less of a sad ending.

Edward leaves Bella – duh.

They're NOT bears... or happy endings

Harry Clearwater dies – While Bella’s off being an emo teenager and cliff jumping for attention poor Harry Clearwater is having a fat heart attack which leaves Sue without a husband (cue Charlie), Charlie without a BFF and Leah and Seth without a Dad not to mention the tribe without one of it’s leaders. But really no kid should lose their parent especially when they’re going through crazy stuff like turning into a werewolf because of their anger control issues and not to mention a little something called the werewolf gene. We love ya Clearwater family!

The Leah, Sam and Emily love triangle – What a mess this one is. Thanks a lot to the magic of imprinting Leah loses her boyfriend to HER COUSIN (oh no she’s DIDN’T!) and Emily gets her face all mangled because Sam didn’t know WTF was happening to him. THEN Leah is forced to run patrols around the Cullen house in a cruel twist of fate Leah becomes a werewolf herself and has to hear ALL of Sam’s dirty boy thoughts about Emily AND THEN because Jacob refuses to leave Bella and eventually Renesmee she has to run what seems like 50 chapters worth of patrols around the Cullen house meaning she has to eat rare meat. OH THE HUMANITY!

Obviously these girls lost a bet

Mike Newton – No one’s Team Mike Newton, even though he could get your 15% off on those rad hiking boots at Newton Outfitters. Let’s all have a moment for Mike. We’ve definitely all been the Jacob where it just didn’t work out but what about never even leaving the bench.

And of course, poor Buttcrack Santa. The guy seemed like a recovering alcoholic who loved bringing joy to Children in the Forks area during Christmas and how is he repaid? By getting offed in the the dingy boat marina by some bored nomadic vampires with meth face (James).

Charlie and Renee – We’ll never know what really happened with Charlie and Renee since this isn’t their story but we do know it’s tragic that Charlie would lose his daughter to a flaky Mom who got bored of living in Forks. Sure, it’s not the glamourous metropolis that Phoenix, Arizona is but you’re married to the copstache, the built in Halloween costume possibilities are reason enough to stay. Let alone your DAUGHTER.

Oh sad moments… you make me sadder. But that’s part of the charm of Twilight and why we love it, right? Who can’t identify with sad moments? As for that Dexter finale???? EPIC SAD FACE.

🙁
Themoonisdown

What other sad moments did I miss? Did you watch the Dexter finale? Will you hold me?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

174 Commented

Postcards from Bea’s Twilight-less vacation

(Bea writes to Twilight about her well…Twilight-less vacation! Enjoy! XO-moon)

Greetings from Vacation!

Dear Twilight,

I’m nearing the end of a two week vacation, and I miss you.  Less than the husband… but more than the cat.  Is that normal?

“Vacation,” of course, means camping out in my parents’ basement while also visiting the grandparents and in-laws.  The first week was busy busy busy: wedding shower,  family reunion, asking an old friend to be responsible for the baby if the husband and I drop dead, adapting said baby to the three hour time change, convincing grandma that baby does still need a nap at nine months old, shopping for family picture attire, etc.  Even survived said family pictures without being paralyzed by second-hand embarassment (Everybody in solid blue with khakis this time!  Except the redneck wing of the family who will come in green, gray, black, plaid and Hawaiian print! If you’ve visited AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com you have the basic idea).  In any case, I was much to busy to send a postcard to a series of YA books and movies or even miss you unless I saw a particularly fine pair of jorts.

But then week two hit.  Hubby went home, the round of visits to relatives got mundane, baby stopped sleeping like she was hungover and started teething, shopping turned into returns, and the second old friend I saw is in the middle of a very sad divorce.  Altogether less fun.

Bea's trendy baby

I did have a Twi-versation when my sad friend checked out my child’s fangs (top middle teeth aren’t in yet, but side teeth are):

Me: She’s a vampire baby.  Very trendy.
Sad Friend: [snarky snort] Have you read Twilight?
Me: [Guilty pause]  Yeah, I gave in and read them when all my students and their moms were.
SF: I just can’t do it.

Like I said, not terribly fun.  I was shooting for Jacob-esque sunshine but only managed Mike Newton-ish semi-distraction.  At least I didn’t puke on her.

Fold into the equation the fact that at the end of week one I finally got to see Eclipse.  Free babysitting meant that I even got to go with the husband, Unicorn-In-Denial that he is.  So for the first week of vacation, when I did miss you, I got to anticipate seeing you.  When we finally managed to slip away from everything I was near giddy (this was the 19th… was I the very last loyal LTTer to see it?).  We had a great conversation with my mother-in-law on the way out the door:

MIL: What are you going to see?
Unicorn-In-Denial Husband: I can’t tell you, it’s too embarassing.
MIL: Is it “The Last Airbender”?
Me: Nope. [Internal monologue: No, but one of the actors is in both films.  Evidently Jackson’s specialty is embarassing movies.]
UIDH: It involves vampires.
MIL: Ah… “the saga continues…”

The movie was fun.  I mocked the wigs, cried at Renee’s scene, fell in love with Charlie again, gagged at the ring and swooned in the meadow (Moon, you were so right about Rob finally becoming Edward in this one!  He almost never looked constipated!).

The kind of postcards I would purchase on vacay

But then tragedy struck.  Husband was in a cranky mood due to work thing unfolding at home and would not rehash the film on the way home despite my prodding.  I had to virtually do the Heimlich Maneuver to get, “It was only mildly entertaining.”  The next day I tried my best friend from college, but she left me hanging with only brief wig commentary.  What fun is a Twi-movie without people to discuss it with???  Must start planning for #pillowbite2011 and what I’m calling #NeedToKnow2012.

In short, vacation has become more like real life here in week two and I didn’t even bring a good book to read.  Instead I brought the baby book to fill in… yeah, like that’s going to happen!  My mom “finished” the one she made about me on her way down to meet the grandbaby this fall.  Like I’m going to do my child’s in real time.

And so, I miss my escape from real life: you, my dear, ridiculous Twilight.   But there is a substantial problem.  No Wi-Fi at the parents’ house.  Which means all internet usage goes through the family computer.  In the middle of the living room.  I snuck in once when the baby had me up but everybody else was sleeping and read the week’s LTT but couldn’t watch videos of Jackson side-talking or listen to Stephenie Meyer sound clips.  And then I had to figure out how to delete items from the browsing history.  Because my little Twi-closet door has opened too far already this trip.  Witness the denial conversation:

Mom: How was the movie?
Me: Pretty lousy.  We went to see this one because everybody said it was way better than the others, but it would still make no sense if you hadn’t read the book. [She’s also heard the ‘my students wanted me to read it’ excuse.]

So now I’m sitting on the back deck, with a glass of wine, watching the sunset and writing you a postcard that has somehow become an epistle.  And my vacation is feeling better again.  Tomorrow morning I’ll sneak back to the family computer and send it off to UC and Moon to do what I can to make their vacations more restful.  I plan to have the New York Times open in another window as my alibi.  If there’s extra time before my dad starts looking over my shoulder I might even get to read LTT.  And then delete it from the history.  Because that’s what normal adults do.

Wish you were here!
Bea

We wish we were there too because then we could talk about Eclipse with you and maybe sneak out to see it again once we trick the MIL to watching the kid again. So how about everyone else do you clear your browsing history every time you leave the computer? Are you still really in the Twilight closet?

While Moon was Gone: DO IT!

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59 Commented

Twilosophy: Charlie & Renee – a parenting cop out?

Dear Twilosophy Majors,

My good pal nopaperkg has just recently begun reading Breaking Dawn and on our road trip back from the holiday break she turned on her copy of the Breaking Dawn audiobook. While the audiobook version is a whole ‘nother post for a different day suffice it to say it got me thinking again about the saga through new eyes. Something about hearing a woman imitating a man’s voice or maybe hearing the only book in the saga I’ve read once being dramatically read to me gave it new life. And it brought up some of my old questions I had that started back in the Twilight book. We listened to the chapter of Breaking Dawn where Charlie sees Bella for the first time since she’s been changed into a Vampire. He tells Bella that the less he knows the better. And so that got me to thinking…

Is Charlie’s (and for that matter Renee’s) parenting style a cop out? Now obviously, I’m not a parent, and who knows if I ever will be one, but I know from having a couple of really good parents of my own that none of this shiz Bella tries to pull would NEVER have flown. The “less I know, the better” would NOT have happened in my house. Especially if I supposedly came down with some tropical disease on my honeymoon that required me to go to the center of disease control. RIGHT. My mom would have beat me to the center before I ever got there. And the whole Renesmee is our maybe daughter/maybe niece who grows at an unnatural rate and has a betrothed that is a werewolf on the side. Nope, don’t want to know anything about it, TMI! YEA RIGHT.

Hey baby, I'll maybe see you in 2 years when you graduate. Oh wait, I won't.

Let’s take it back to New Moon. Had my boyfriend dumped me and left me in the woods which would lead me into a downward depression spiral my mom would have been on the first plane out. Especially if months went by where I became a zombie with night terrors and a penchant for dangerous after school activities. Is Charlie not sharing the whole truth with Renee? Is she too busy in Jacksonville with Phil the minor league baseball player to care about her child who is hurting?

Read more Twilosophy after the jump
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173 Commented

New Moon: The Hits and the Misses, Moon’s review part 2

*Missed part one? Read it here*

The wolf's outta the bag

Dear LTT-ers and anyone every having to do with New Moon,

Today we continue on with beating a dead horse aka our reviews of New Moon and this is my part two since I was so long winded the first time around. Wednesday, I started this review by posting what I call the hits and misses of the movie so let’s continue down that path…

c

Alrighty smile for the camera, say: "cheee-we'retotallyoblivious towhatsreallygoingoninthistown-eeese"

Hit
The Humans
Once again the humans are really the highlight of the film. Just like in Twilight they bring the funny and the sense of reality. They act like high school students, make stupid (read: awesome) jokes and generally remind us that not everyone is an undercover sensitive, brooding monster. If I had to give props to give one human though I think it would have to be Billy Burke as Charlie, famous ladies man. This time around we actually feel the bond between him and Bella which isn’t cut short with stutter-y phrasing or bad awkward moments. He plays the Dad figure well and you actually feel for him as he tries to comfort Bella. I also noticed in the dream sequence when Bella remembers the Werewolf/Vampire story the person laying on the forest floor is not her but is Charlie (at least I think!) if so, it just further illustrates that she really doesn’t want him to get hurt because of her crazy monster secret life. Awwwww… can’t wait till I see if again to really see if it was Charlie.

c

Dizzy, I'm so dizzy my head is spinning Like a whirlpool it never ends And it's You girl makin' it spin

Miss
Dizziness
UC talked about it and I will to, I’m sure it was used as some sort of visual tool to disorient us but I think it worked all TOO WELL. Everytime she trips and falls in the forest I think “here we go again” and get a good grip in my chair because we’re about to take a trip on New Moon the ride now at Universal Studios. Let me off! Let me off! Bellaaaaa, BellAH… Get me off this crazy thing… called love (anyone? anyone?!)

c

Excuse me, what did you just say?

Hit
Chemistry between Bella & Jacob
One of my favorite scenes between them is the “break up” scene after Jacob has turned and Bella, tired of getting the dismissal from Billy, goes to find out why he’s been missing. They emote, they stare into each other eyes, they tug at my heart strings, they make me cry. Taylor has probably the best set of puppy dog eyes ever and uses them to kill us every time. How can Bella be immune to THAT?! They really do portray two people who are great friends torn apart by great odds who try to overcome them. I think it’s probably why I lean so heavily in favor of Team Jacob in this movie. There’s really nothing like a true best friend.

Seriously let’s finish this thing up after the cut
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