The Font writes a letter to the universe
While we do the “mans” job and Go Fishin’, The Font from the LTT Podcast does a girlie thing & writes an LTT
Oh hey there internet!
It’s The Font, your favorite Twi-misanthrope. So listen. Moon left the country or something. And because I am part of the LTT family, I am legally required to write some sort of letter. It’s true. It’s in the bylaws.
But here’s the thing internet. I really don’t like Twilight that much. I mean, I don’t know if you know this, but it’s pretty much for girls. Seri
SO! In honor of Moon’s vacation to wherever she is (Thailand? Rhode Island?), I am going to write a list of things that would make Twilight more awesome.
1) Vampire Hunters.
Think about it! How much more awesome would everything be if when Edward and Bella are whining about how sparkly they are or whatever, a bunch of dudes show up with flaming crossbows! And then Jacob has to choose between letting Edward get super-murdered and saving the man his favorite lady loves! Oh hey look! Actual conflict!
Or what if they killed one of Edward’s friends, and somehow Bella was responsible? Also, could you kill these guys if they’re trying to kill you? What is the moral code of a soulless vampire?
Hey look! Conflict again!
2) Way More Murders.
Seriously. Everyone survives these books. It is a VAMPIRE versus a WEREWOLF. And they are teenagers! With all the hormones! If I had super strength and/or crazy murderous killing powers at 16, and some vampire was trying to take my lady, shit would be ON like Donkey Kong!
And that’s not to say anything about all the killer vampires trying to murder Bella all the time. None of them were like, oh, why don’t I kill her parents and shake her shit up! Bella would probably be dumb enough to go to the funeral. Murder central!
3) More comedy.
No one says anything funny in any of this. Think of a funny thing in these books. Seriously. I dare you. I mean, you can say funny things ABOUT Twilight. (Some might say you could write an entire blog about it.) But like, couldn’t Jacob be funny? I mean, there is some comedy in the fact that he is a werewolf, right? Like, no one ever turned into a werewolf and messed with people just for kicks? I mean, that would pretty much be the greatest locker room prank ever.
Okay listen. I am sorry for making fun of the thing that you guys love. I know I do it all the time. But I had to write a letter! They made me. I still love you, internet. Even if I am weirdly distant.
Seriously, don’t murder me.
The Font is so paranoid. So what do you think? Does he have some good suggestions? Or are they as lame as his paranoia? Obviously he doesn’t share our views- but what about the views of the guys in YOUR life!?
Please love Moon & think of her while she’s gone!
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Tags: , comedy, fan letter, Guys and Twilight, LTT Podcast, Murders, Sparkling vampire, The Font, Twilight, Vampire hunter