Taylor’s got a new lady and we wanna know if she’s DTF

Dear Taylor,

While I was busy watching the Grammys and suffering through people saying “Who are the Avett Brothers/Mumford and Sons/Arcade Fire?” You were busy making your way through LAX with a chick called Lily Collins, aka your costar in the upcoming flick Abduction. Is that why Taylor wasn’t at the Grammy’s? Did she refuse to put on a pretty pretty princess dress and instead locked herself in her hotel room and tried to think of all the words that rhymed with Lily? We all know Taylor Swift already wrote a number one song about YOU do you really want to give her fodder for a follow up record where she trashes you for having an on set hook up with a costar when that’s how YOU two met? Moving on is sad Taylors…

Hmmm this dress looks familiar… (ps if that was a DC we’d be in business)

Since I care for you Taylor I decided to investigate who this Lily Collins girl is. I was hoping she was the heir of the Olive Garden/Red Lobster restaurant chain, or at least the daughter of a McDonald’s franchise owner in the midwest somewhere but as it turns out is just the daughter of some musician named Phil Collins* who was born in Guildford, England aka where Daniel Gale in The Bad Mother’s Handbook is from (someone put me out of my misery for knowing that. my life is embarrassing right now). Also important to note is the fact she’s 21!!! Dude, you like the older ladies… that’s the same as Swifty (someone go give her a hug). She has written in a bunch of magazines, hosted a kids pick the president event, has been cast in the Mortal Instruments adaption and has large eyebrows. We’re taking Camilla Belle/Sandy Cohen level eye brows. So pretty much your basic cute girl next door. ZZZZZZZzzzzzz. Someone wake me up when she writes a song about family taco night at the Lautners or how Taylor gave her a “Women of the Word” devotional book.

The only info you we need to know about this Lily Collins girl is whether she is DTF like Taylor Swift was for you… and if not you better start sending those roses to Taylor Swift again and showing her your “tan skin” cause being non-DTF will just not do for us. Thanks.

I may or may not be DTF,
Themoonisdown

PS why does your face look like a weird fan manipulation image in that LAX photo?

*I know who Phil Collins is, thanks*

DUDES two Taylor posts, back to back! Where are our Team Jacob girls at? Do we think Lily is DTF or does Taylor really just likes that song from Tarzan?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Dares for Stephenie Meyer

I’m too busy, LTT

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

In keeping with our refusal to admit you’re too busy being a producer on the set of a hit film for the next 6 months to read LTT every day like you used to, we’d like to continue to pretend we have any influence over your life at all. Cool? Cool.

We just want you to pretend like we don’t know you once admitted to reading LTT and we’ll all act normal. We’ll just continue making you laugh, making fun of something you poured your heart into (that we love almost as much as you do) and we won’t try to influence you at all to get the Breaking Dawn we want. (PUT RAY-BANS ON ROB) It’s more important for you to stay focused on Isle Esme right now so that we all get the most perfect Honeymoon possible (MAKE THE SEX SCENE LIKE THE NOTEBOOK). And then once you’re back in Louisiana on set, focusing on how not to creep the audience out with a half-vampire baby chewing its way out of Kristen’s tummy (PUT EDWARD BACK IN THE CAFETERIA) There are no subliminal messages here. There’s nothing were trying to say in between the lines. We’re offering nothing more than encouragement from the LTT family. (MAKE THE WOLFPACK CALL THEM ‘JORTS’)

But just in case you are bored on set or looking for something to do with your assistant with the cool sweater, Meghan, we’ve come up with a list of activities to pass the time- or maybe we can call them dares. You MADE these actors’ careers- the least you can do is have a little fun with them!

We dare you one day to wear a knot in your tee-shirt for a full day of shooting. Never even look twice when Kristen glares at you for stealing her style. Around lunchtime, on the day he’s visiting the set, ask Big Daddy if the local Olive Garden offers take out & if he knows their number by heart.

We dare you to call Rob, Ron at least 3 times one day. And don’t even be afraid to use the LTT water bottle we gave you back in June. How about next week you work “Tweed serious” into a conversation with Bill Condon. And sigh & shake your head every time you see the girl playing Renesemee, while muttering “Not a newborn child. How hard is it to get a newborn around here?”

We dare you to bring out the Mormon Bible & try to convert Kellan. Or ask him to be accountability partners. Try to see if he wants to start a Wednesday AM Bible Study by the breakfast trailer. I’m sure there’s another gaffer on set who reads the Good Word. Or if you’re really feeling daring, tell Jackson you really dig the 100 Monkeys. Ask about their upcoming album. And try to keep a straight face. Or ask Jackson if he’s heard that catering is serving catfish on Thursday night for dinner.

We dare you to say to Ashley Greene, “You’re dating Joe Jonas, right? But he has a purity ring…*blank stare.* And one day when you’re around Taylor Lautner, we dare you to put on headphones and sing outlaid to “Back to December” by Taylor Swift off key & really loudly.

And on the day the wolfpack is due to shoot their first scene, show up wearing jorts & name one of the pups “The Situation.” Give no explanation. Just start calling him “Sitch” and ask him if he’s found out if any of the new girl hires are DTF.

And while you’re shooting Isle Esme, how about for one day, we dare you to refer to Rob & Kristen as one person: Robsten. For example: “What time is Robsten due to set?” or “Robsten- they’re ready for you!” or “Robsten, I really feel like you need a little more passion in this scene” and “Robsten, you should shake the bed more.”

And while you’re way too busy to be reading LTT patiently waiting for the next LTT to be posted, try not to laugh when you see the wolfpack run around in their shorts, think of a fish with whiskers when you see Jackson on set, get at least one Taylor Swift song stuck in your head every time you’re around Taylor Lautner or crave endless breadsticks when Taylor’s family is around. We dare you.

Love,
UnintendedChoice (and Brookelockart who helped out tremendously with the dares!)

6 months filming is a LONG time! What other stuff should we dare Stephenie Meyer to do while on set!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Back to December and back to Swiftner, we break it down

Dear Swiftner (aka Taylors’ Swift and Lautner),

We miss you… a lot. We love each one of you… a lot. And now Taylor Swift has written a song about you Taylor Lautner and we want a reunion… here we are to break it down. DUH.

Have a listen here:
Taylor Swift – Back to December
[audio: http://letterstotwilight.com/music/BacktoDecember.mp3]

What could have been…… awwww…

The one where we go back to December, lit-trally
UC: okay let’s talk some Swift
Moon: yes, can i tell you my fave feature of itunes is “date added”… listening… omg my boss must think im crazy i have this blaring
UC: hahaha… youre trying to be “well rounded”
Moon: back to december allll the time. ok ok taylor im opening ltt’s dec 2009 archives… clearly taylor is an ltt fan cause dec is our anni month
UC: happy anniversary us!
Moon: awww the lautner family xmas letter. tay is sad she wont make it this yr
UC: i just saw that
Moon: oh we did a tay laut appreciate sunday in dec
UC: yeah… they were TOTES on in Dec. is that when it fell apart? Or was December a happy month?
Moon: OH right he was on SNL this month… dude what happened?! when were they seen out all those times with to go boxes? and his sports car
UC: i thought that was in the spring, but that must have been before… ohhh wait you wrote to the Taylors here and then we broke down swiftner like crazy robsten fans in OCTOBER of 2009, OCT 29 2009
Moon: awwwww memories
Moon: rainbows, unicorns… lisa frank folders
UC: it was perfection

The one where we think we know what happened

UC: and we know now, b/c of song and….. i’m now even MORE convinced this song is about them .. the timing was off in my head.i thought Swiftner was in the winter/early spring. but no… it was fall into CHristmas season
Moon: well when i was in planes, trains and hospitals last week i read like EVERY rag mag and she said it was about him pretty much
UC: and while I have to admit I’ve spent a long time listening to her new album over the past week, i think that this is how it went down: they met. They had so much fun. they liked each other. HE admitted the feelings were strong, and she did not. she hurt him. he left. she misses him, she’s sad, writes hit song. we break it down… and hopefully one day see her in concert ( I love Taylor) Because remember when that super secret source who is friends with Taylor told us they were NEVER really Swiftner and we were heart-broken? well, I still think that might be true…. and that Tay Lautner wanted to be Swiftner. HE wanted matching Lisa Frank trapper keepers & white baby kittens to hold together under a fuzzy pink blanket but something scared Taylor Swift off- I’m gonna go with Joe Jonas. And Ashley Greene- cuz she’s fun to blame even though they weren’t together then and Summit. Let’s blame Summit
Moon: hahaha, cause everyone loves to blame them for everything.
UC: Taylor Swift saw Robsten- and what happened with them- the rabid fans & the manips of their lovemaking in front of the fire (mostly from us) and didn’t want to BE Swiftner and broke Taylor’s heart
Moon: i think they were having a good ol time filming Valentines Day. they hung out, “dated” with chaperone’s (aka big daddy), vma nonsense with Kanye happened, things heated up, love declared on SNL, then BOOM johnmayer/joejonas/whoever called

The one where Taylor Swift is scared of the fireplace

Wait, is this a manip?!

UC: she says “Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind”
Moon: fear of the fireplace
UC: Fear = The Swiftner version of Robsten Fans making love videos
Moon: it’s alright to be scared the first time taylor
UC: Don’t fear the fireplace Taylor!
Moon: we’ll walk you through it
UC: haha we’ll make a step by step guide to rocking the fireplace, also rocking in front of the fireplace
Moon: taylor laut no doubt has his v card so it’ll be quick
UC: Yes- it’ll be his vcard disappearing that night.. yours will barely be touched.
.
The one where the Jersey Shore gets involved

Yup, totes DTF

UC: So let’s get back tko the lyrics though- as they tell a good story…….in December, of 2009, after they went out to celebrate LTTs 1 year anniversary…
Moon: Clearly.
UC: it sounds like Taylor gave her flowers….. probably got down on one knee and asked her to make Swiftner official. NO doubt he had breadsticks in hand to seal the deal and she said NO
UC: and dropped the flowers- or he did. ANd they wilted. Like their almost Swiftner relationship
Well, it says it right there- “SO good to me. SO right” I think she loves it. She sings “It turns out freedom aint nothin’ but missin’ you, wishin’ I’d realized what I had when you were mine” It sounds like Mr. Lautner was laying down the law… saying. enough of flirting with boys from Nashville.. I want you all to myself Taylor
Moon: dude TAYLOR LAUTNER get your people on the phone, charter a flight and get to wherever Swifty is because as The Situation and Pauly D say: TAYLOR SWIFT IS DTF!!!!!!!!!
UC: You’re right she was JUST DTF
Moon: she realizes she had it GOOD and john mayer is a toolbag and she wants his assssszzzzz back
UC: she sings about wanting Freedom- but “Freedom” meant getting screwed & felt up by a dude with backne (aka John Mayer). i don’t mean screwed like Effed, I mean screwed over and felt up after having to give him a massage over his backne.
Moon: screwed as in he stole her publishing rights on a song they cowrote. LICENSING NERD ALERT!!! john mayers no fool. he sees her #1 songs

Follow the cut to read the rest of our break down, to see who we blame and the bet we place
Continue…

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