Breaking Dawn: It’s ON

Dear Breaking Dawn,

Well, you know you must be 3 months (to the day) away when I receive official Breaking Dawn pictures via e-mail. It’s never too early to start promoting a movie that will surely break box office records except Harry Potter’s.

I planned to ignore the pictures until Moon & I could give them a proper look-over together (oh yeah- she’s back! She’s safe! We barely talked yesterday because she was busy at work & responding to email threads that were sent 3 weeks ago!) but a few thoughts came to mind that I just had to share when I looked at the pictures for the first time:

Ah the joys of having a husband who doesn’t need to breathe underwater…(one more reason to envy Bella)


DAD’S ON VACATION and not on a business trip like he told you….. oh.. and he took the babysitter with him…

Taylor’s contract stipulates he must always have a romance going on in his films, so this is the scene they wrote in where Jacob & Rosalie consider getting it on for a hot moment.

“Carlisle? I ate 3 dozen eggs in the last 4 days & I think I lost 3 pounds. Is there something wrong with me?”

Why YES the ass of Bella’s short-shorts says “JERZEY 4 LIFE”

And it hit me, this first part of the movie is ENTIRELY about the honeymoon, isn’t it? Yes they get married. Yes- Bella gets pregnant. But other than that it’s threesomes in a canopy bed, worrying about non-existent fat pouches and Edward in Kmart’s finest selection of Dockers for men!

Can November get here already!?


What did you think of the new stills? And, um, besides the occasional scene of Bella drinking blood… is there anything else going on in this film? Do I need to re-read the 1st half of Breaking Dawn again?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

53 Commented

Breaking Dawn… business cards!?

Dear Twilight,

A few weeks ago USA Today featured the Breaking Dawn promo cards given out at Comic Con (Moon? Are you reading this in Africa? Did you get these). They were horrific.

We’ve seen the pictures before. They are gracing us on the pages of the 2011/2012 Breaking Dawn Calendar. I think they’re supposed to get us excited for Breaking Dawn. Instead….. well, MarbleNutSlut though they looked more like bad business cards:

I jumped in on the fun with my own interpretations:

Looking forward to doing business with these 3!

UnintendedChoice (and MarbleNutSlut!)

Why are these promo pictures so horrible? What other occupations could the Twicast be involved with?

No updates from Moon to report so they must be busy running their camp for kids this week in Kenya! But if she gets a few moments to show her Kenyan friends LTT (Ha!) here is another picture to show how much we miss her!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

37 Commented

Breaking Dawn changes to make quick while no-one’s looking………..

Dear Twilight,

It’s only been a few days since my last letter to you but I feel the need to contact you again as a matter of some urgency regarding the pending release of Breaking Dawn/headboard parts one and two.

I know it’s all wrapped up. I know everyone has gone home, wardrobes have been returned shop-soiled to Gap and Bella’s wig has been returned to world famous pubic hair wig makers ‘Tufty Mufftys’. This letter isn’t directed at the acting crew or even Bill Condon. This is for the group of people who edit the films. I need you to do me a huge favour. When Bill’s not looking, I need you to forget EVERYTHING you were told by smug Scummit executives who’ve never actually read twilight and sneak back in and re-edit the movies using the following criteria (and/or CGI):

Quickly put in MORE of the following:

More of this. Much, Much more

1.Watch the original Twilight again and check out the scene when Edward jumps onto Bella’s truck (this is not a euphemism). He jumped down nonchalantly and pinged her bodywork into place (nor was that). It worked because he looked kind of cool in a not-trying kind of way. That was more like book-Edward. He was fun and playful. Put lots of that stuff in because he’s the one we actually liked and the sole reason we all turned out for the 2nd and 3rd movies and became laughing stocks.

2. Edward’s self-conscious strutting from car to truck in New Moon with resplendent indie/rock backing track. Include more of this, particularly in plaid shirts but not in slow motion because it’s embarrassing when I’m watching with my husband. You could re-do the wedding ceremony and have Edward walking down the aisle towards Bella and Charlie instead of the other way round as a DVD extra.

Just... no!

3. Normal contact lenses. Cathy H = bang on the money. Chris and David = comedy Halloween contacts that even the disturbingly low-hairlined Jessica would notice in the canteen. When Mrs Meyer said gold she meant a subtle yellowy-brown tone not luminous neon yellow like Michael Jackson’s in the Thriller video. Photoshop the eyes if they’ve got it wrong………again.

4. More Headboards. Enough said. If possible combine more headboards with more groaning sounds and more back muscles we never knew he had. You could always skip Breaking Dawn part 2 and just put out a 2 hour film of Edward visiting Dreams the bedstore and trashing every divan. It would be much more interesting and the same audience would still queue overnight to cop an eyeful of that magicness.

5. Bella falling over. It was funny and it happens A LOT in the books which if anyone on the team had actually bothered to read, you would know this. I’d quite like to see her fall off the bed mid-shag and headbutt the wall like I do after 10 vodka’s but hey that’s just me.

Like this except... less Disney-like

6. Fast driving at night with the lights off. Was Cathy the only one who remembered that bit? Forget the faux-fight scenes as you’d impress more guys with a few 100mph handbrake turns in a sporty volvo than Esme trying to look vaguely menacing whilst mum-punching a new born in slacks.

7. Insert the moonlit scene with Edward in the ocean. I’ve seen the trailer and Summit appear to have missed the second best scene in the book. Put the moon behind him. Make him look all marbelly and lovely and WET. You don’t have to add Bella, in fact just place a black sillouette where she would be with a ‘insert your face here’ tag on it as that’s what we’ll all be doing in our heads because we’re NORMAL.

More after the jump! Continue…

74 Commented

Edward Cullen sightings in Missouri

Dear Twilight,

Earlier in the year we heard from Jessica about a phenomenon occurring in Blue Springs, Missouri:

While shopping at my local grocery store this weekend I noticed a display of my newest sweet tooth craving…. Twizzlers. As I walked around the rather large display to the front of it, I noticed something, NAY, some one shares the same affinity as myself for the awesome red candy!

It is important to add that this is a full size cutout standing in the middle of all these boxes, and somehow I doubt that Twizzlers would be the product of choice were he to have a say in the matter…

It’s not the only appearance he has made. The other week he was selling Sun Drop soda! I sign next to him says “A drop of sun will make you sparkle like me.”

We want to sell you Kale

And a few weeks later Jessica wrote again:

Our Edward has made another appearance. This time he isn’t selling anything, just looking down from the 2nd floor balcony with a Justin Beiber cutout next to him. It’s funny because birds like to find their way into the store and their new favorite perch is Edward’s head…. My dad said to the cashier the other day “There’s a little pecker on Edward’s head.” Kudos to dad for knowing who he is… Epic fail for the cashier who didn’t even crack a smile.

But then sadly:

Bad news… Edward was shat upon and has therefore been sequestered into an interior chamber at the store for cleaning. I know cardboard is not submersible but I could possibly come up with some sort of moisture barrier… I will keep you updated on any sightings henceforth as now that he is sparkling (hehe) clean, they will for sure want to show him off somehow. I have an idea, he could sell us dog treats! I must phone the grocery store at once!

The sighting in Blue springs got me thinking about all the places I’ve seen Edward: Hot Topic & FYE music store in the mall (Did I ever tell you about the time that the mall cops yelled at me for taking a picture of the cutout in Hot Topic (This was before I knew what “normal” was!) and made me delete it from my phone? (I tweeted it quickly first. I rule) And Edward is, of course, in the background of all the pictures you all send us of your bedrooms (don’t TRY To tell me that you’re teenage daughters room!) But I don’t see Edward in NEAR enough places! I live in a MAJOR CITY. Edward should be all over the place. Like the Rocky Statue:

(True story: I’ve never seen it. I don’t care) Or on top of city hall, hanging with William Penn:

And a TON more people would visit the Liberty Bell if Edward was nearby:

And I’d SERIOUSLY reconsider my 10 year foray as a vegetarian & partake in a Philly cheesesteak if Edward was selling them!


Has Edward been anywhere interesting in YOUR town? Think the marketing gal (obviously!) at the grocery store in Blue Springs, MO is an LTT reader? Where have you spotted one of the Twi-charcters cut outs!?

After the jump, an important announcement! Continue…

123 Commented

Breaking it down: The Font and I talk Taylor, bare feet and DOWN THERE!

Dear Taylor,

Sometimes I end up talking to my guy friends about you and not because they want to but because I commandeer the conversation and we go there. I apologize in advance for talking about some sensitive subjects for both you, Jacob and whatever’s going on beneath the Jorts.

(suck it Chris Hanson!)

A first… breaking it down with me and The Font

Take this invite and shove it!

The one where I totally commandeer the convo
The Font: Moon
Moon: The Font…..
*lots of time passes*
Moon: i take it you saw the new jacob picture but you’re too shy to bring it up?? do you want me to start??
Moon: ok… running barefoot?! wtf? am i right??? just because white bread vanilla snoozville bella and edward sent you an F You! wedding invite doesnt mean you need to risk a cold or worse yet needing a tetanus booster when you inevitably step on a nail from running without shoes.
Moon: you send them a F You! gift from their registry and by gift from their registry i mean a flaming bag of crap thrown onto the cullens front porch!!

What should really happen at Edward & Bella's wedding

Moon: or you streak the wedding, dump a bucket of blood on bella a la “carrie” then yell “they’re all vampires you idiots” at the crowd of dumbass townies who couldnt recognize a werewolf if it phased in front of them……
(it’s your turn to jump in…. anytime now….)

The one where he finally gives in and jumps in
The Font: i go get a hot pocket and come back, and this is what happens?!
The Font: why is he BAREFOOT? is that a werewolf thing? or he does not have the twenty seconds to put on shoes?
Moon: i guess when you’re a werewolf in love with a vampire’s girl, pithy things like footwear doesnt matter. if he gets hurt it heals within minutes anyway so i guess he thinks fuck it, try to kill me tetanus!!!

Not exactly the Sports Authority

The Font: still. just for COMFORT’S sake
Moon: well maybe he’s realized it’s not worth it to lose another pair of shoes, because he’ll just get more pissed off, phase and the shoes will shread to pieces anyway. it’s a shitty economy still. he’s being economical and im sure new running shoes arent exactly cheap at newtons outfitters. its not like sports authority. they gotta put mike through community college somehow.

The one where we discuss Jorts vs Stretchy Pants and modesty

Official uniform of the wolfpack and everyone in our neighborhood

The Font: aren’t there stretch shoes for these kinds of things? the hulk always has stretch pants
Moon: you’d think thatd be the way they’d go, but they like the denim jorts. hipster wolves?
The Font: let’s talk about THAT! if they have JEANS on, how are those not ripping? jeans are not exactly known for their give
Moon: ok, here it is… (twi nerd of the day award) they either take them off and stash them into the woods before the phase, or they shread off their bodies. thats pretty much how the explain it in the books and movies. in the books, apparently, they tie an extra pair of shorts or whatever around their legs, in the movies they stash them in the woods
The Font: so concerned with modesty, these wolves

Dude follow the cut, we talk about naked Jacob and SO much more after this

121 Commented

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