Friday Funny, I mean Friday Sad, Kellan Lutz’ Flop at the Box Office…

Dear Kellan Lutz,

Uh oh. You haven’t had the best week, have you? Not only did your limited-release (meaning 1 theater near your mom’s house plus DVD) movie, “Love, Wedding, Marriage” only make 1.4 million, but it currently has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. ZERO PERCENT.

I mean I saw the trailer:

(please don’t be surprised that there is a comment on this video from xXtwlight4evaXx who says “i want mandy moore and shane west to do another movie together!!! A walk to remember was amazing<3”)

Things I do: Cheat on the real Chuck Bass & star in bad movies

While I love great films, I’m not really a movie snob. I love me a good romantic chick flick (hello I’m a Twilight blogger). But this DOES look pretty bad- I mean Jessica Szohr is in it (yuck), Mandy Moore hasn’t been good since “A Walk to Remember” and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t actually good then & I was just blinded by love for Shane West. And you playing a grown man in love is….. well, let’s just say you may still need a few years before that’s believable. I don’t care that you have an 8-pack. Which is obviously why you were hired.

But again, it doesn’t look like it deserves 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. I mean, I MIGHT watch it on a long plane ride after taking a nap, reading a book & when the battery runs out on my iPad. I could possibly turn it on when it’s free On Demand and I’m sick on the couch. I might even click a link that says “Download Love and Marriage for free & win an Ipad” if the mood is right.

It definitely couldn’t deserve this review (could it?)

“If there is a special hell for film critics, it probably has movies like “Love, Wedding, Marriage” on continuous rotation.”

And taking pictures of Anthony Weiner apologizing & captioning them with quotes from reviewers about your movie is just mean (but pretty damn funny via buzzfeed)

Kellan, Kellan.. if only you had come to Moon or I before signing on to this movie. We would have warned you that out of the 16 films of Mandy Moore’s on Rotten Tomatoes, only 2 have gotten reviews over 50%. And that a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 0% means your movies is worse than: Battlefield Earth, Freddy Got Fingered, and Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (as told to us by EW Popwatch in a review attempting to be positive about Mandy Moore despite her horrible films (don’t worry- they didn’t mention you!))

And now you’re going to have to be nominated or even WIN a Razzie award and while that’s really good publicity, that shizz never leaves you! As if it’s not hard enough for you with all your muscles and Abercrombie background, the Twilight connection- that lacrosse movie with Ash Greene etc. to be taken seriously, this is just gonna make it all that harder.

Listen to me, Kellan. I don’t care how much Jane Seymour (Mandy’s mother in Love, Wedding, Marriage) pays wants you as her boy toy, don’t pick any more projects that drag down all the amazing work you did with the Twilight saga. Oh wait.

Kellan's big moment: Waving a knife while cooking Italiano

Always here to help,
UnintendedChoice

Do you ever feel really bad when a Twi cast member we love so much has a major flop of a movie like this one? 0% is HORRIBLE! Is this Kellan’s “100 Monkeys” moment? (Except that moment of Jackson’s doesn’t’ seem to be passing…) Will YOU see the movie? (assuming you live in the same town as his mom) Can you believe Ryan Adams married Mandy Moore? Can you tell I’m happy it’s FRIDAY FRIDAY

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

I failed & forgot to thank James for the heads-up on this amazing story!!

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We wish you a Cullen Christmas

Dear LTTers,

Merry Christmas Eve! If you don’t celebrate Christmas, merry time of year when everyone says “Merry Christmas” to you and you look at them and say, “But I don’t celebrate Christmas” and they stare back at you, not understanding, in a santa hat!

Moon and I have objected ourselves to 2nd-hand embarrassment, yet again, to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Love,

UC & Moon

After the jump, read all the wonderful lyrics penned by @Brookelockart, Moon & myself. Print them out and have a family sing-a-long around the dinner table tomorrow! Continue…

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Monday Funnies: Cuz nothing's funnier than laughing at Twilight

Dear Twilight,

I’m so glad we can laugh at your expense. Cuz Lord knows that the list is growing of reasons why I need to laugh: Pics surfaced of Robsten having an intense argument at the Kings of Leon concert about who would have the most grease if they wrung their hair into a measuring cup; when writing about how I was scarred because I accidentally clicked on the snail & dragon penis‘ 3 times on Friday, I accidentally clicked on them another 3 times; I forgot Bella & Edward’s anniversary; I went to three cupcake places yesterday and all three were closed; Plus Cam Gigandet’s 27th birthday was yesterday, and I was really pissed cuz my “Important Twi dates” calendar had it wrong and listed his birthday as today, and then I realized instead of being pissed that I missed it I should just be embarrassed that I have an “Important Twi-dates” calendar. So, I need these laughs:

After the jump- a little bonus Monday Funny: Continue…

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Happy 4th of July from the Twilight gang

Dear LTT readers,

The crew over at the Cullen house asked us to pass along their tips & advice to enjoy the best Independence Day possible!

(If you’re not from the US and not celebrating the holiday today, you could still take to heart these words of wisdom)

Carlisle: Practice safety while using fireworks. The 4th of July is the most dangerous holiday in the US due to misuse of fireworks. Most loss of limbs could be prevented- it is due to stupid mistakes from people not following instruction (When it’s not due to stupid mistakes, it’s usually the fault of my son, Jasper, but I don’t write that on the medical report)

Esme: If you don’t want to cook Italiano, try my favorite recipe. All the Cullens love it on special occasions. Hunt a fresh mountain lion and a fresh grizzly bear. Track them down, stalk them, pounce and then kill them. Drag them back to the family house and then drink the blood. Sprinkle with love and stir in good times.

Rosalie: When I was a human, I celebrated 4th of July every year by being crowned the Independence Queen at the Rochester, NY Independence Day fair. Of course, I never intended to become a vampire, so I don’t celebrate the holiday anymore.

Emmett: My advice is simple- get yourself a hot girl, a keg (I prefer a deer blood keg) and a raw bear burger. Grab the fam- play a lil baseball and you’re set!

Bella: I find to keep your child occupied during the day, if you have no other children for him/her to play with, it is best to invest in a dog.  In our case, we have a wolf. And while you’re at it, if your kids are playing with wolves, why not let them play in traffic too.

Edward: I’ve learned that if you have accident-prone or klutzy people in your family, it’s best to keep them away from the grill, the fireworks, the stick you use for s’mores, the diving board on the pool, the volleyball court and the local Native American reservation. (If you have a reservation near by, you’d probably be safest to lock up your loved one…) Another tip that you can learn from my mistakes is to practice safe sex. You never know if someone’s semen, though it should be venemous, is actually safe & will produce a half-vampire child. Even Alice didn’t see that one coming…

Alice: It is not okay to help yourself to seconds or grab an extra large piece of patriotic cake. I know you think you’re going to exercise tomorrow, but trust me. You won’t. You can always bet on me

Jasper: Are you usually the one who laughs at the people wearing the flag t-shirts whistling “America the Beautiful” all day long? Don’t really feel like you have a patriotic spirit? Don’t worry. This year, with my help, you will wake up with the Star Spangled Banner stuck in your head all day, which you will sing, loudly, for everyone to hear. And forget a flag t-shirt, you’re going to be inspired to collect all the flags in your neighbor’s yards & sew together your very own, custom, patriotic flag-outfit (similar to this one (UC note- don’t click unless you want to see a big girl almost naked, seriously) here.) You will feel patriotic this holiday, with my help!

Advice from UC & Moon: Feel free to make this your desktop background:

And make sure to listen to this song:

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.2872875&w=425&h=350&fv=config%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.videocure.com%2Fimages%2Fvidplayer%2FRssIN3ustUw%26amp%3Bautostart%3Dfalse]

Happy 4th of July!
Love,
UC & Moon & all the Cullens

Celebrate with Rob over on LTR

Not going to a picnic today (why not!? you should’ve told me- I would have invited you over!) play in The Forum

We are both out and about all weekend, so we may not approve your comment right away if it’s in moderation. Just chillax- enjoy. Eat a hot dog, or a raw bear burger if you’d rather! XO

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It's a Twilight Father's Day

To all the Twilight daddy’s: Carlisle Cullen, Billy Black, Charlie, Harry Clearwater, Big-Daddy Lautner & Edward,

A big HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to the whole group of you from Moon & I.  We love you all so much, we couldn’t pick one fav to write to today so we’re writing to you all (just kidding, Big Daddy-Lautner, you know you’re our fav).  Actually your kids are writing to you because we have our own daddys to take care of (although ours aren’t as cool as a vampire, Native American, cop or McDonald’s spokesperson…)

Enjoy your day! Go on over to Harry’s and grill out with his famous fish fry!
<3, UC & Moon

Dear Carlisle,

Edward: Thank you for saving me from the Spanish Influenza & capturing my 17 year old perfection for eternity. Thank you for your encouragement to stay strong and not kill my beloved Bella &, of course, for the rockin’ sex tips. Although next time, I’d prefer it if you’d not get so detailed on how much Esme, my mother, likes to do that there.

Rosalie: Thank you, Carlisle, for changing my darling Emmett after he was attacked by that bear.  I’ll be honest I’m not crazy about how all that shit when down with Edward.  Why the hell didn’t you prep him first and convince him to love me? Also, I’ll deep down hate you forever for turning me into a vampire in the first place. Couldn’t you have let me die? F*ck y Oh yeah, this isn’t about me. Happy Father’s day Dad…

Emmett: Thanks for my smokin’ hot girl, Rose. And for that tip on how much mom likes that there- now Rose does too!

Alice & Jasper: (UC note: Uh, we couldn’t exactly find Alice & Jasper…. seems Jasper may have recently had a conversation with you, Carlisle? Something about something somewhere…..?)

Carlisle might be the reason we have Edward & so we’re the most grateful to him, but he’s not the only daddy! See all the other letters after the jump! Continue…

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