LTT history: Part 1

Dear fine LTT readers,

A few weeks ago we received this email in our LTT inbox:

Hi,
Love the site but am relatively new to it, so I’ve got to ask; What’s the deal with the Olive Garden? I tried searching the site but… FAIL. I give, what’s it about?
Best,
Laurel

Ah- I LOVE newbies! Because it reminds me #1 that not everyone has been around for 2 years so it’s good to stop and explain and #2 reminds me of why we started jokes in the first place. Because when I thought about it, I couldn’t even remember why the Olive Garden joke got started. Was it that we assumed that the Lautner family would frequent the walls of Tuscan deliciousness before family game night every Friday when Taylor was in town? It’s not a hard guess- I mean, who doesn’t love their unlimited breadsticks & choice of salad or minestrone soup? Or did we run with that joke after Taylor admitted to falling prey to the suburban chain of deliciousness? Perhaps we’ll never know. Most likely we ran with it after Taylor mentioned loving the chain in like 2-3 interviews, but I like to think that a love for overly-buttered, 2000-calorie pasta meals is just something we share with the entire Lautner family.

Then just a few days ago, we got another request for clarification:

Dear LTTers,

I was just reading your FAQ, and I wanted to ask you something: why do you refer to Big Daddy Lautner’s obsession as with the Fish-o-Filet? As someone who’s mom works at McD’s, I know it’s Filet-o-Fish.  Is this some inside joke that I don’t get?

Best,
Tammy (not TammyO)

Well, Tammy who isn’t TammyO (more on her later!), I have no idea. I don’t know what I call it. Somedays I think I write that Big Daddy likes a Big Mac. Is that not the same thing? I have no idea. I avoid McDonald‘s at all costs except on road trips. Cuz sometimes at 6 am you just really need a egg & biscuit sammy so that 30 minutes down the interstate you have to pull over in a panic, grab a roll of toilet paper & find some bushes to go do your business. It’s just clear to everyone who knows him who gazes at pictures of Taylor in hopes to see glimpses of him that Big Daddy loves him some McDs. Apologize to your mom & Ronald McDonald for my mistake. And for using the egg & biscuit sammy as a colon cleanser.

Speaking of TammyO– we might as well fill in you newbies (and remember those infamous days together) on who SHE was. Or is. She very well could be trying to comment on this post. We’ll never know because she was the only commenter ever blacklisted. Yes- that’s right- it’s impossible for TammyO to ever make contact with LTT again. It’s kinda sad. I mean, what if after all this time she is a believer in Swiftner & wants to join the campaign on reaching out to Taylor Lautner to let him know that Tay Swift is DTF? I forget the details, but TammyO came out as one of the biggest Robstener-Krisbians of all time. Like if Robsten had a mother, it would be TammyO. And we’re all for people who bring varied conversation & differing opinions, but TammyO went one step further & started attacking our beloved commenters.  We’ll allow (and dish out) celeb attacks. We’ll take personal attacks, but we won’t let you attack each other (well, we try not to!) Unless you’re JanetRigs, of course.

Well, look at that! A transition into Janetrigs & all the HATE we have for her here at LTT. That’s just perfect. Jane is an LTT original who lives in DC & does not shy away from controversy. She is prone to late night drunken tweets to the LOD (more on them later), @Twilight and D list celebrities like Brody Jenner. She often takes a theme or title from an LTT post and creates a whole other persona based on it. She copied entire LTR letters and posted them on her “Letters 2 Alex” blog about Alex Skarsgard under the pen-name “VeryMuchIntendedChoice.” And just the other week when Moon talked about Wyck Godfrey (Twilight producer), Jane started the twitter account Letters2Wyck. The thing is….. we don’t actually hate Janetrigs. In fact, we love her and consider her a dear friend. One time I went to DC for work & she picked me up in her old car & took me to get drunker than I already was from my work dinner. And I talked about gentrification- something she will remind me of for the rest of my life. It’s okay though. I found out about her immense fear for Historical re-enactors and promised to make Benjamin Franklin pop up in odd places for the rest of her life. This will be the last time you hear me mention how we actually like Janetrigs. That’s too weird. We hate her. (Oh, why do we hate her? I can’t remember- perhaps Letters2Wyck will explain it in the comments today. She started hating us, therefore we starting hating her, and the rest is history)

That’s Normal: I remember the first time Moon said it like it was yesterday. I don’t remember the story exactly, but I do know that I was sitting on her bed, explaining a story a reader had sent to us about when she met Rob. It had something to do with Rob’s reaction to our reader that was not normal. But Moon heard the story, misunderstood me, got mad or jealous of this reader and said sarcastically, “What? That’s Normal” And once she finally understood what I was saying, we died of laughter- because it wasn’t normal. And the rest is history. “That’s Normal” became the mantra of all LTTers. When something isn’t normal but is done enough by us to become normal, well, then That’s Normal. It’s a lifestyle- do you live it?

Magic by the fireplace– Ah- one of my favorite things to talk about. It’s so warm & fuzzy & cuddly- especially if you’re sitting on a bear skin rug. But honestly, I can’t remember where it came from. I know that “magicness” was a term used to describe Robsten by someone who desperately needs a boyfriend. And we just thought it was such a beautiful & perfect description of a relationship that absolutely no one but the couple has any insight into, that we decided to run with it. We added the fireplace where they make love, the bearskin rug upon which the love is made, and the rest is history. I hope & pray that things will continue to be added. For example, let’s come up with something right now- I bet after all the sweet, sweaty love making in front of the burning embers, Robsten is quite thirsty. I’m sure they keep a few bottles of Don Pérignon on hand for such an occasion, don’t you? Or maybe to get in the holiday spirit they actually just warm a kettle of spiked cider over the fire. Burning sparks, bear skin, sex, champy & cider- you see the magicness too now, don’t you?!

Someone who shouldn’t be participating in any sort of magic by the fireplace until there’s a wedding band on his finger is Kellan Lutz. Early on in our LTT career (like the day before we started) we noticed through interviews & videos that Kellan, despite his good looks, chiseled body & hairless frame, seemed less like the frat boy one would assume & more like that hot guy in youth group who was nice to even the slow girls. This was further proven when he mentioned his favorite book was “The Purpose Driven Life”- #1 Best selling book by Christian powerhouse author Rick Warren. We just knew we were right about Kellan’s past- he was a good ol’ Christian boy, lost in the big, wide world of “sinful” Los Angeles. Since we first hypothesized of Kellan’s past & the #1 item on his prayer list (Stay pure today (aka Stay away from Anna-Lynn McCord)), Kellan has delighted us by talking about missions trips, signing on to speak at Christian conferences (that were sadly canceled. Probably after co-speaker Ashley Greene’s naked photo-shoot came out) and giving us just enough information to google-stalk his family & find out which church his parents attend (oh, did we never mention that part?)

Well, newbies- THAT should get you started! There’s plenty more that we talk about here on LTT that would make no sense to someone new, but we’ll play this game again. Oh, and our FAQs are always a nice place to find out our history too!

Love,
UnintenedChoice

Have any LTT questions? What’s a joke that was started & you’ve been too embarrassed to admit you don’t get? It’s LTT History day today in the comments!

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The Lautner Family Christmas letter

Today, we’re bringing you a very special family Christmas letter:

December 2009                     Issue 19, Vol 4

Family trip to the jersey shore in 06

To our Family, friends, and all the folks over at BigDaddyFan.net,

Been a big year for the Lautner family. May have heard about all the successes young Taylor has had. It’s been great having a lot of young beauties hanging around. I can get lonely ever since Debbie left. I’ve been trying to get back out on the dating scene. When Debbie split I thought I’d just hit a couple hockey games with the son, maybe hop a plane over to ol’ Pari’, breakout the handheld and find a companion, but it seems Taylor has more luck in that department. Not that I’m complaining. This blonde that has been hanging around lately is a real cutie. We have this inside joke where I goose her every time she walks by. She gets a kick out of that. Haven’t seen her in awhile come to think… They seem to be spending a lot of time over at her place. Hmm.. I’ll have to cook her up my world famous “Big Daddy triple pounder, double fried burger with pepperjack, mozzarella & swiss cheese burgers” to entice her to come around more.

You may have heard that I’ve taken some time away from the airline industry. The company no longer felt it safe for me to hook two seatbelts together to stay in the pilot seat and there wasn’t room in the budget for a bigger belt. Just need to drop another 40-50 and I can retake my tests and hopefully get back up there in the air

News from the around the Valley: I’ve been really busy volunteering for city council. You might remember me mentioning last year I started the one-man restaurant team. We lobby for the best eats to be brought into the neighborhood and try to keep In-N-Out from growing their territory. What kind of restaurant only has 4 things on their menu? I don’t care what kind of secret menu you might find if you use the world wide web, I like having options when I go out to dine. Plus, I’d never set foot into an establishment without a fish sandwich on the menu. Why wouldn’t you have a fish sandwich, In-N-Out? Don’t you know some people like a change from the triple pounder from time to time? Anyway, we had great success this year protesting a local independent theater that was showing Super-Size-Me. That’s just propaganda no one needs to hear.

I’d include some recent pictures or a video of the kids, but I’ve been a little busy using the camcorder to film all the hot European chicks Taylor and I ran across during his press tour. I also ran out of memory on my digital camera after taking a picture of every Fish-o-Filet I’ve eaten in the last year (for a promotional video on the restaurant team section of the city council website. It’ll be up here real soon: valleycitycouncil.web.us.gov/team/misc/citizenoutreach.html/fishsandwiches.webs) I gotta get over to the Radio Shack to figure out how to add more memory to this camera. But if you really care to know what Taylor looks like, just peek at the posters on every bus stop- he pretty much looks like that in real life. Makena is growing up nicely. I think she looks more and more like her ol’ pop every day! Continue…

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