Happy Birthday Kristen Stewart

Dear Kristen-

Since today is your birthday- 19!- you’re old now. Rob and Taylor, after we reminded them, totally wanted to get you something extra special for your birthday, since you’re their main girl. I mean, you do play Bella, and they’re always having to save you n’ shiz. So they went all out… cake, balloons, party favors! You know, the stuff 19-yr-old girls like yourself are REALLY into.

We thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about what we could do for you on your 19th. It wasn’t easy, but we figured it out. We started first by coming up with a list of what we won’t do or say today:

• We won’t talk about your fake lesbian relationship with Nikki Reed
• We won’t make you feel bad that you have cheated on, are cheating on and will continue to cheat on Michael Oregano with Rob
• We won’t mention your sour-puss-ishness
• We won’t get mad at your hatred towards Twilight fans (or annoyed that you pretend to like them for PR purposes)
• We won’t discuss your often hideous taste in clothing (when your stylist isn’t around)
• We won’t mention interview neuroses and how you’re so 2nd-hand embarrassing to watch
  

We will:

• Mention that Adventureland looks good, and it got some good reviews (including some from former KStew-haters, so WIN for you!)
• Say you looked very pretty in those Nylon pics
• Tell you you look nice when you wear a mini skirt– you have hot legs and we’re a wee bit jealous
• Say you really do have a pretty face
• Mention we think you’re a pretty damn good actress in everything but Twilight
• Confess that we’re jealous that you get to make-out with the hottest guy on planet earth
• Present to you another haiku by the infamous Kristen/Bella haiku-writer, The Bff-aka James the Vamp look-alike:

He watches you sleep
And makes strange faces in class
Creepy, creepy boy

So, happy birthday from us and all the guys and gals at LTT! We trust that, since the legal drinking age in Canada is 19, you’ll be getting your drink on with Rob, Taylor n’ the gang tonight. Watch out for drunken late-night mistakes. Word on the street is that Justin Chon is in town- no one wants to see a sour-puss/Chon baby look-alike, so try and keep it in your pants.

Love,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

PS The guys told us to tell you sorry about the balloon… that’s the only one 7/11 had at 3 in the morning. You know boys!

Thanks for the reminder, JBell! And thanks to The Quad, as always!

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A Haiku for KStew

KStew someone loves you!

Dear Kristen-

As you know, this past weekend Moon & I were together in LA with my husband and his best friend (the bff).  We dragged their butts all over LA and made them sit in the back of the 2 door car Moon drives. We loved every minute of our girl-power.

We were shocked on Saturday night because they agreed to watch Twilight with us if we promised to stop at the liquor store first. Many beers, gin & tonics and champagne toasts later, we started the movie. The bff was actually excited to see the movie because “that hot indie chick from Into the Wild is in it.” (Don’t worry- we didn’t tell him you’re a fake lesbian)

Ya know that part when James jumps onto the boat right before the bad vamps kill Buttcrack Santa? Well, Waylon asks “Who are you?” and James appears.  My husband announced that the bff looks like James.  And he’s right. We rewound that part and had a lot of laughs imagining the bff answering Waylon’s fearful “Who are you” with his name instead. It was funny. Believe us.

After the movie ended we asked what the guys thought, and the bff declared: “I’m going to write Kristen a haiku.” [Just a little FYI- the bff is an artist- a songwriter, a poet, (and apparently a wandering vampire) and he likes to respond to text messages in haiku. So this wasn’t a very strange declaration (well, it’s a little strange b/c no one ever thought anyone would write you a haiku, and well, okay. It’s also strange because.. who writes haikus?)] And he wrote one. On the spot. He’s that good.

He'll 'track' you down girl

A vampire I’m not
But in love with you I am
(Edward is a tool)

The bff actually sent us a bunch of haikus to choose from, and we thought we’d share one per week. We’re so cruel to you half the time (you deserve it) that we thought we’d show you something nice written by your friendly neighborhood nomad vampire male fan.

Hugs & Haikus,
UC, Moon & the Bff

*Do you have the hots for the bff? Wanna hear more from the creator of the amazing haiku? Well, check out his band because we love them and promised him TONS of new fans in exchange for plastering his face on a Twilight blog. No seriously, they’re good. You can say you knew him when he was “just a guy writing haikus” Far Beyond Frail

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