How to Prepare to Meet a Literary Goddess

Dear LTTers,

In the past few weeks since the news broke that Moon & I have this great opportunity to interview Stephenie Meyer, we have been INUNDATED with questions, advice, tips, threats that we’ll no longer have friends if we don’t get an answer about Midnight Sun and so much more my head has been spinning for 2 weeks straight (2 weeks? 3 weeks? 3 months? I have no idea) We’ve heard from EVERYONE- from kids, to grown-ups, to bloggers, to men, to mortgage brokers in Oregon who have a “beautiful, quiet lakeside property that would be the perfect backdrop for Stephenie’s next story” (true), to people we don’t know who have been so kind to have offered themselves up as a potential partner in crime if Moon or I couldn’t make the interview (also true). It’s been… interesting.

Needless to say, I’ve been documenting this experience and plan to submit it to 20/20 as a “BEHIND THE SCENES OF A FEW WEEKS IN THE LIFE OF BARELY KNOWN BLOGGERS WHO REALLY DON’T MATTER” (or if that fails, at least America’s Funniest Home Videos- Rob knows Saget now- I’m sure he can get us a meeting) but for you my fine LTT readers, I want to share a sneak peek of what could potentially appear on 20/20 or at least in the bargain bin at that one last West Coast video store outside of Muncie, Indiana that just won’t go out of business like the rest of the franchise.
I’ve titled it:

How to Prepare to Meet a Literary Goddess

A step-by-step guide to get primped, primed, prepared & polished to interview the world’s #1 Vampire writer next to Anne Rice & all the other Vampire writers out there that I’m unaware of because I could care less about the vampire part and care more about the Edward being the sexiest thing alive part:

Most of this guide is based on the true-life story of one UnintendedChoice. Some liberties have been taken for added effect, but many details are true. Unfortunately the pants looked that bad:

-Accidentally dye your hair a totally new color so no one will recognize you 3 days before you leave

-Get a bikini wax. Ya know, just in case Stephenie Meyer wants to be a fake lesbian too

-Work on your list of questions for Stephenie

1. Stephenie how did it feel when _______________
2. Stephenie when did you figure out that __________
3. Stephenie do you __________________

and pray HARD that the blanks get filled in

-Request a birthday present from a friend themed “Meeting Stephenie Kit” containing:

  • the cutest notebook for taking many notes during the interview (or drawing Rob+Your name=Love)
  • Hot Pink “I’m more famous than you” Sunglasses
  • A fancy pen only a 4 year old would think is cool
  • Hand sanitizer in case Steph surprises you with a one-on-one with Rob. Obviously before you shake his hand you’ll need to have him take a squirt of antibacterial..
  • Twilight Trading cards- maybe Steph will want to trade you Jacob for an Edward.
  • Purple Tights cause “Purple’s Cool”
  • A card that reads “Don’t be embarrassing”
  • Travel deodorant because you’re going to have to reapply after bathroom break #1, 5 minutes into the interview…

-Have a fashionable friend “style” you & provide a look-book with outfit options including phrases like “This necklace dresses it up a bit! It screams “I’m an awesome blogger with an awesome style sense!”

-Then cry in Urban outfitters when they don’t have the pants you were planning to buy for above mentioned cute outfit

-Then drive 1 hour out of their way to find store with cute pants

-Cry again when you realize cute pants are NOT cute on you

-Cry harder when you realize not only do you not have PANTS but you don’t have any interview questions. Ignore hipster girl working at Urban Outfitters who is judging you because your eyeliner is smudgy & remind yourself she makes $8.25/hour and is not better than you like she seems to think. Then stifle a giggle when you realize she’s in jorts.

-Instead focus on if you will go for a hug with Steph or ask for a hand-shake. NIGHTMARE ALERT: upon realizing how lame it is to shake hands with a hero, you may accidentally word-vomit “FACE PUNCH” instead and clock her right in the nose. Beware.

-Email every single ‘journalist’ you’ve potentially come into contact with for tips. Talk to bloggers you know, friends from other media outlets. Did your sister graduate 2 weeks ago with a degree in communications? Borrow her COM401 textbook for tips no one needed in college & still have no practical use in the real world.  Do you follow the guy who does the 1 am news on the local cable station who has 300+ twitter friends? Tweet him for some helpful tips on how to handle the “pressure” of the audience.

-Focus on learning how not to CRY the minute she walks into the room. Not because you are overwhelmed with emotion because THAT’S STEPHENIE.. No, try not to cry when you realize you have NO questions written down in your cute new notepad….

-Learn Quileute so you can have a bilingual interview translated for the people of La Push

-Practice walking in your highest heels- Don’t let those bitches from Twifans show you up- YOUR heels WILL be higher. The higher the heel, the closer you are to God, therefore you win.

-Perfect your mushroom ravioli recipe in case there’s a quiz.

-And lastly, don’t have a heart attack when THIS pops up on your computer while you’re writing a list called:

How to Prepare to Meet a Literary Goddess

Breathe...Breathe...(and click so you can see why I'm telling myself to breathe!)

Happy Interviewing,

Oh, and those blanks next to interview questions are still blank…..

We MIGHT be approaching freak-out mode! Plus Moon just quickly got off line and said “Gotta go- Earthquake” Then proceeded to DRIVE down the interstate. WHAT IF SHE DISAPPEARS INTO A BIG EARTH CRATER BEFORE THE INTERVIEW!? How will I choose between all the people who have offered to come with us to the interview? (Dear Lord, 12 year olds reading this I’m not serious- Moon will be fine… don’t ask to come with me) Besides coming up with interview questions, what MORE can I do to prepare!? My bags are packed!!! My upper lip is waxed!!! (Nope) and I washed my lucky Edward underwear. Any suggestions!????

Psst- the interview is Friday…the UC & Moon reunion begins Thursday!

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