Dares for Stephenie Meyer

I’m too busy, LTT

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

In keeping with our refusal to admit you’re too busy being a producer on the set of a hit film for the next 6 months to read LTT every day like you used to, we’d like to continue to pretend we have any influence over your life at all. Cool? Cool.

We just want you to pretend like we don’t know you once admitted to reading LTT and we’ll all act normal. We’ll just continue making you laugh, making fun of something you poured your heart into (that we love almost as much as you do) and we won’t try to influence you at all to get the Breaking Dawn we want. (PUT RAY-BANS ON ROB) It’s more important for you to stay focused on Isle Esme right now so that we all get the most perfect Honeymoon possible (MAKE THE SEX SCENE LIKE THE NOTEBOOK). And then once you’re back in Louisiana on set, focusing on how not to creep the audience out with a half-vampire baby chewing its way out of Kristen’s tummy (PUT EDWARD BACK IN THE CAFETERIA) There are no subliminal messages here. There’s nothing were trying to say in between the lines. We’re offering nothing more than encouragement from the LTT family. (MAKE THE WOLFPACK CALL THEM ‘JORTS’)

But just in case you are bored on set or looking for something to do with your assistant with the cool sweater, Meghan, we’ve come up with a list of activities to pass the time- or maybe we can call them dares. You MADE these actors’ careers- the least you can do is have a little fun with them!

We dare you one day to wear a knot in your tee-shirt for a full day of shooting. Never even look twice when Kristen glares at you for stealing her style. Around lunchtime, on the day he’s visiting the set, ask Big Daddy if the local Olive Garden offers take out & if he knows their number by heart.

We dare you to call Rob, Ron at least 3 times one day. And don’t even be afraid to use the LTT water bottle we gave you back in June. How about next week you work “Tweed serious” into a conversation with Bill Condon. And sigh & shake your head every time you see the girl playing Renesemee, while muttering “Not a newborn child. How hard is it to get a newborn around here?”

We dare you to bring out the Mormon Bible & try to convert Kellan. Or ask him to be accountability partners. Try to see if he wants to start a Wednesday AM Bible Study by the breakfast trailer. I’m sure there’s another gaffer on set who reads the Good Word. Or if you’re really feeling daring, tell Jackson you really dig the 100 Monkeys. Ask about their upcoming album. And try to keep a straight face. Or ask Jackson if he’s heard that catering is serving catfish on Thursday night for dinner.

We dare you to say to Ashley Greene, “You’re dating Joe Jonas, right? But he has a purity ring…*blank stare.* And one day when you’re around Taylor Lautner, we dare you to put on headphones and sing outlaid to “Back to December” by Taylor Swift off key & really loudly.

And on the day the wolfpack is due to shoot their first scene, show up wearing jorts & name one of the pups “The Situation.” Give no explanation. Just start calling him “Sitch” and ask him if he’s found out if any of the new girl hires are DTF.

And while you’re shooting Isle Esme, how about for one day, we dare you to refer to Rob & Kristen as one person: Robsten. For example: “What time is Robsten due to set?” or “Robsten- they’re ready for you!” or “Robsten, I really feel like you need a little more passion in this scene” and “Robsten, you should shake the bed more.”

And while you’re way too busy to be reading LTT patiently waiting for the next LTT to be posted, try not to laugh when you see the wolfpack run around in their shorts, think of a fish with whiskers when you see Jackson on set, get at least one Taylor Swift song stuck in your head every time you’re around Taylor Lautner or crave endless breadsticks when Taylor’s family is around. We dare you.

Love,
UnintendedChoice (and Brookelockart who helped out tremendously with the dares!)

6 months filming is a LONG time! What other stuff should we dare Stephenie Meyer to do while on set!?

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160 Commented

Questions about Twilight

Questions about Twilight: We still have them. We love to ask them, and today TeamJacobEdward has some good questions!

Dear Twilight,

Well, it’s been more than two years now since I was a Twilight Virgin. Don’t worry! I’m very happy with you still Twilight, you still do it for me. I haven’t tired of you yet, and thanks to “Twilight 101” posted the other day, I now have a urge to read you all over again (for the bajillionth time). But the thing is, I still have questions about about you and I thought that maybe I should start asking you the questions instead of just wondering about them.

Scars

I remember in Eclipse when Jasper shows Bella all his bite marks that he’d said, “the venom is the only thing that leaves a scar.”

So does that mean that ALL scars are wiped away? (So like with Bella, is she only left with scars from the bite from James and the bites Edward did to transform her?) Does venom work like the magic eraser that is photo touch-up, but on the live subject as the venom seeps through scorching the skin from simple scars to ragged ones? Does the venom erase away all the wicked stretch marks Bella had to have been the recipient of growing baby Nessie in record time? Does it remove all scars obtained throughout your life, so you no longer have “that scar from the time you decided to try riding your bike ‘no handed?'” Does that mean when Carlisle stitched up Bella from having Renesmee ripped out of her, she’d have no “c-section” scar (or possibly tummy tuck scar getting rid of all that extra skin)?

Forever as you are… including hair?

Like, what would this dude look like as a vamp?

I understood it as your hair is the length it is at the time of transformation… forever. So if say a person happened to be sporting a mullet coif at the time of transformation they’d kind of be stuck with that. Or can vampire hair be cut? So at least you could lop off the “party in the back.” In my mind, it would seem that since vampires are virtually indestructible, so would be their hair… I envision a scissors looking all bent and twisted after encountering a try at cutting vampire hair even if it is soft and pliable and hair-like.

Which also brings to mind leg and armpit hair. What if you were between shaves or waxings? We all know Bella wasn’t bending over to shave those legs while her midsection was growing by epic proportions. Did Alice shave her legs and armpits (and bikini line) while she was lying on that table getting scorched by the venom before it was too late? Or would Bella (Edward) stuck with those sharp little leg pricklies for eternity if Alice wasn’t so on top of all those details because a razor would twist and crumple trying to shave vampire body hair?

What about dyed hair? These days, more women than not generally have SOME color added to their hair (look at me, a natural blonde, who’d just went dark brunette simply because I was bored with blonde the other night). Does that mean if you happened to be transformed with a bad hair dye job, or you were in desperate need to re-touch your roots but hadn’t made it in to the salon, that you would FOREVER be stuck with unsightly roots or a horrible dye job? Or can vampire hair be dyed?

Eyes

Why IS it that animal blood, which is EVERY BIT as red as human blood turn vampire eyes golden versus red? Is there a certain chemical that is present or absent in animal blood that differs from human and that’s what colors the eyes? Does it have to do with DNA and Chromosomal pairs? Or was it just one of those things, “just because” so you could tell the “good” vampires from the “bad” vampires, and I should just drop it?

Beautiful People

Like what would becoming a vampire do here?

Vampire venom is said to make one inhumanly beautiful. So, does that mean that it sucks in loose skin (for instance all that extra loose skin that Bella’d acquired from being a host Nessie)? Does it make a double-chin a single? Would it nip and tuck and lift things to make them look “new” again? How far does it go? Straightens crooked noses? Straightens and whitens teeth? Strengthens weak chins? Reduces body parts that are too big? Enhances body parts that are too small? (I’m talking both women and men here… ahem) Does it lift, even-out, straighten out, shrink/grow….

Who needs “The Swan” when there’s vampire venom, right? No more beer gut, no more wonder bras, just a few days of burning at the stake and voila!

Artificial Body Parts

The last set of questions brings me to this group. What if someone who was transformed had some sort of foreign object in their body. Say a metal plate, screws, tooth fillings, breast implants… what would the venom do with that foreign matter? Would it just reject the material and spit it out during the process, so you see random objects being ejected from the person in transformation and then proceed to properly “heal” that item? Say a person had a total knee replacement… what would the venom do with that? I’m guessing the comical spitting out of foreign object from the body isn’t the answer, so would the venom turn the objects into vampire, or eat it up? My money is on “eating it up” but that leaves the question as to what the venom does with that space, does it grow a whole new knee? What about breast implants? Would the venom turn the implant into rock-hard vampire, or would it eat it up? If it eats up the implant, then what? does the venom replace it with vampirized created breast tissue or is the poor vampire stuck with shriveled up kumquats for all eternity?

Schmexy-time

like... what's it like down below?

Okay, I know everyone who’s read the books has probably wondered this (whether they will admit it or not), so I’m going to bring it up. It has been brought up on LTT before. What about guys? How does that work? Does it work similarly like human men, with blood? And I of course don’t mean their own blood because vampires don’t have any any longer. But the way it seems to me, when vampires drink blood, it doesn’t go to their stomachs like a human, it infiltrates through their entire being (right or no?)…. so does that mean boy vamps use the blood they’ve sucked off prey to make “it” work? And therefore, if said vampire hasn’t fed… does that mean he doesn’t get sexy time because he doesn’t have the blood in his system to make it work?

Okay Twilight, that was a lot, so I’ll leave it at that for today. But know that my mind is constantly turning and posing questions, so I have a feeling I’ll be back with more.

Thank you for the last couple years, Twilight. I look forward to many more with you even if/when all my questions about you are answered.

TeamJacobEdward

Every time I have a question about Twilight, someone reading knows the answer. Mostly because I’m a bad fan and haven’t read everything Stephenie has said about the Saga. Fan Fail. So….. does anyone know an answer to the questions TeamJacobEdward and now I have!?

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199 Commented

Nothing to look forward to…..

Forgot to preface this with a note: We probably have one more week of Stephenie Interview recaps, but didn’t get it done in time for today. Forgive us, and enjoy this letter!

Dear Twilight,

Remember when you were in school & worked & worked & worked your ass off and somehow got through finals and then at the end of the semester, usually right before a major holiday or a fabulous summer vacation with your friends, you crashed? And got strep throat/ear infection/threw up for 2 weeks straight (but hey! You fit into that new bikini) ? Was that just me? Well, that happened to me all the time at the end of a school semester…. and I feel like that’s where my life is right now. After Moon & I made our “announcement” that we’re blogging when we want instead of when you want (daily) I crashed. It was like all the stress & busyness of managing work/husband/friends/sisters/blogging/Robsessing for 1 year and 8 + months caught up to me, and I coudln’t keep my eyes opened. Remember when I talked about that task in my Outlook task manager that was 32 weeks overdue? Well, it was now 76 weeks overdue and…. dun dun dunnnn I completed it! I turned on the TV and actually paid attention to what was happening. I read! A book. NOT TWILIGHT. I went out on a worknight. I got to bed before the rooster crowed. It was magical. And exhausting. Doing nothing is just really boring. And makes me tired.

On Monday I was telling Moon how I felt a little “Blah.” I explained how tired I am and how I have nothing to look forward to- we have no trips planned. The summer is almost over. I’m completely moved into our Philly loft minus the 3 boxes that I don’t feel like unpacking & I swear to you will still be there a year from now. A week ago nothing was different- I just had LTT & LTR to worry about every second and so it kept me from thinking about how I really should unpack that box or how depressing it is that there was nothing planned to get me away from “real life” for even a long weekend. Now…. I have time to think about how bored I am. And besides an embarrassing show to a Emmy after party in what might as well have been sweats & a holey tshirt, Rob & the rest of the Twi cast has been just as boring as I’ve been. Moon knew just what I needed though:

Moon: its the lack of fierce kbitch in your life. i know. it’s alright you can say it to me
UC: you’re right.  so right
Moon: you need a “bitch brow” to make your day better
UC: what’s that?
Moon: that’s what they call kstews look she gives- the bitch brow or something. or bitch face
UC: omg yes The Bitch Face. All I need is to go look at the monday bitch face & all my woes will be cheered
Moon: yes, reread over the krisbian oath & then you’re case of the mondays will be cured

So then I put my thinking cap on to try to come up with something to look forward to over the next few months- and I mean Twi-related stuff (But if you’re wondering my personal list looks like this: buy new underpants, go see that drew barrymore & justin long movie, @janetrigs birthday celebration in philly, christmas, my 28th birthday in June where I’ll be obliterated drunk b/c 28 sucks, having kids in 5 years, kids going to college and retirement) And this is the list I came up with:

Twilight things to look forward to

• Learning which of the Pageant moms who email us on a weekly basis insisting their child is the perfect Renesmee wins out and their toddler is ruined forever as the child star of a major motion picture and in the future gets into the kind of trouble that would make even Paris & Lindsey blush.

• Seeing Taylor Lautner on the big screen as one year older that way when I accidentally think he looks good in a scene or two I feel less creepy

• Finding out what color airbrush paint the cosmetic team uses on Rob’s abs this year and how they plan to make sure it doesn’t come off in the “Isle Esme” water when Edward goes skinny-dipping

• Watching Bella consume dozens of eggs. Do you think it’ll look like Gaston in Beauty & the Beast? That’s how I picture it in my head…

• Learning how many more marshmallow’s Mike Welch can fit in his mouth this time around since he’s confirmed for Breaking Dawn Part 1

• Slow mo-ing one of Leah’s many transformations into a wolf, hoping to catch a little boob action- what? she’s hot!

• Rockin’ my new pirate patch I picked up just for the Isle Esme scenes- so I can block out one person & keep my focus on the other

What am I missing!? What else can I start to look forward to!?

440 days,
UnintendedChoice

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150 Commented

Should Breaking Dawn be turned into a movie?

Dear Summit,

It’s us again. Writing you for the second time this week. Don’t run away in fear- this time we’re not here to criticize. The big news this weekend is that the new website you launched- The World of Twilight– has a ‘coming soon’ link for Breaking Dawn. This is BIG. We’ve heard many of the actors say they’re signed on for the 4th installment of the series, but so far you’ve been mum on whether or not you’re going ahead with the highly anticipated and highly controversial movie.

I’m gonna be honest- there are a few huge issues with turning that book into a movie, and I’m not convinced that it’s going to translate very well onto film. I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with a way you could market the film considering some of the problems I’ve foreseen. I came up with a few teasers you could use- see if you think any of them would work:

• 

  S-I-C-K-N-A-S-T

  Breaking Dawn– the story of how a half-vampire baby bites its way out of its mother’s womb while its vampire father kills the mother by biting all over her bloody body.

• Breaking Dawn– watch the magic of the movie makers as they create a believable baby using CGI who can communicate through touch. We promise it’ll be the most believable and the least cheesy CGI baby you’ve ever seen.
• Breaking Dawn- A movie that will surly have Robsten lovers orgasming in their theater seats as they finally get to see Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart, a couple they desperately want to be their real-life Bella & Edward, do it. A lot.
  
• Breaking Dawn- Watch as a teenage boy falls for a little girl. No! Not like that! We promise, even Chris Hansen would like this movie!
  

Obviously you can see the problems I’m talking about. Breaking Dawn is a love story marketed to teenage girls, not a horror flick with scenes bloodier than Saw 1-8 combined (there are 8 of them now, right?)  Renesmee is a very special baby and while I believe Stephenie beautifully portrays her abilities on page, there is no way in hale that that will translate into a movie without being incredibly cheesy and/or very fake.

What I foresee with Robsten finally getting it on on screen could be disastrous.  Picture my first viewing of Twilight the movie. I was sitting next to this little chubby 10 year old wearing a Team Jacob shirt. I said, “Why are you Team Jacob?” And she answered, “Cuz he’s the best.” And then I bitch-slapped that lil chubster. But then I felt really bad cuz she confessed that Hot Topic only had smalls left in the Team Edward shirts. This was in November of 2008- the passion for the franchise was there, but nothing like it is now. And Breaking Dawn won’t be released until, what? Maybe February 2011? There will be absolute chaos in movie theatres across the country when Non-Robsteners yell out “Her boobs are small” when Bella first takes off her clothes in the moonlight or “That should’ve been Ashley Greene!” as Edward starts to break the headboard in the bedroom. Robsteners will go crazy. Breaking headboards and ripping pillows will be nothing compared to what the movie theatres will look like after the fight is over.

And when Jacob imprints on Renesmee? It doesn’t matter that it’s not sexual and is just a “big brother” kind of thing- every one knows that Jake is a teenage boy and thinking about the day his ‘lil Nessie grows up. And Chris Hansen ain’t down with that.

But you’re movie makers. And you’re in the business to make money. And no matter how bloody, cheesy, barf-me cuz it’s Robsten, and pedofilial the movie ends up being, fans are gonna crowd the theaters, camp out for the premiere & scream for joy when Edward loses his virginity finally. So you’ll make the movie, regardless.

Here are a few suggestions I have to hopefully help Breaking Dawn not suck.

• Fade to Black: Stephenie Meyers did it and you can too- but just choose a different scene to fade from. Kristen can clutch her fake baby bump, stutter and blink & attempt to feign pain- she faints- it goes black. We see through her eyes…then black…hear her breathing…black…see a baby being held over her head…black…and then taken away by Rosalie…And then the camera pans to Edward who is working to change Bella. But instead of a horror bloodbath scene and Edward injecting a huge needle into Bella’s heart, we see his face, diligently working on his beloved….then black….
  

  "We are family. I got my half vampire baby and me"

• Rob, Rob and more Rob: Obviously Isle Esme is the most anticipation part of Breaking Dawn the movie. If you thought fans went crazy at the sight of shirtless Edward in New Moon, just wait until they see Sexytimes Edward. Suggestion to please all crowds- lots and lots of Robert Pattinson. Sure, show Kristen’s face once just so we know Edward didn’t grab the housemaid to warm up, but then show nothing but Rob- his back, his side, his arms, his ass (would this ensure an “R” rating? Cuz I’d love to see Breaking Dawn without a 10 year old next to me) his face, his lips- Rob, Rob and more Rob…
• The Olsen Twins: All I know is that a CGI baby won’t work. But I know the Olsen twins would. Those girls are experts on winning over the world with their baby-ways…. hire them, they’ll figure out how to train a newborn baby how to act- and if they can’t they probably have a factory in some third world country that can come up with some alternative.
• 

  Jake, Renesmee and Quil

  No imprinting: Yes, I know… it’s powerful- Jacob imprints on the woman he love’s baby. I get it. It’s special, blah blah blah.. but it also works better on paper than it will on screen. I just can’t see Taylor Lautner looking longingly at a small child like he’s going to be her big brother but also knowing that someday they’ll get it on. It doesn’t matter how much coaching Big Daddy Lautner gives him (“Just gaze at her like I gaze at the oven while your mom has double fudge chocolate chip brownies baking- you want them now, but it’ll be worth the wait.”) so sure- hint at the fact that someday Jake & Nessie will end up together, but leave out the messy, creepy imprinting on a child crap.

It won’t be perfect, it will have to deter from the book slightly, but from the gazillions Stephenie has been making so far, I think she’ll be fine with it (To be doubly sure, just invite her to view the Isle Esme filming- one look at Robert Pattinson naked eating feathers will cure any anger she has towards you for messing with her book)

Looking forward to seeing Kristen & the child cast as Renesmee catch their first CGI deer,
UnintendedChoice

Just an FYI- I loved Breaking Dawn, didn’t have a problem with Renesmee, Jacob imprinting or a bit of Isle Esme (duh) But I want to keep the book in my mind- I don’t want to see it on the big screen. Although I have a feeling I’m not going to get my way….

Do you think it could work? Breaking Dawn on the big screen?

all images found on Google images- well, except for the Bella’s Womb one. That’s a craft I made last night. Just for fun.

Go make your own creepy craft & post to The Forum
Moonpie brings you Rob Rob and MORE Rob over on LTR

120 Commented

Twilight museum of art (and crap)

Dear Fans of LTT and Fans of art,

We spend so much time making fun of things on LTT that I bet most people think Moon & I are the meanest people in real life. We’re not usually. I thought it was time to celebrate some of the beautiful things that come out of the fandom. Cuz there are some. I’m being serious. Don’t think that I’m gonna pretend like they’re great & then show you the most second-hand embarrassing art EVER that surely would star in the “Second-Hand Embarrassing Art Museum” in Manhattan (that doesn’t exist… yet)

Let’s stroll together through the Twilight Museum of Art….

This scene found on google images beautifully depicts the theme of racism throughout the Twilight Saga. Wait. Were you aware of those themes? That instead of being a story of girl stuck between vampire & werewolf it’s really a story of a girl choosing between those paler than her or darker than her? Me neither. Okay, so maybe that’s not what the artist was trying to say, but isn’t art in the eye of the beholder? That’s what I saw here, but I still think it’s beautiful!

Alice, drawn by Rinian, looks as cute as I had pictured her while reading the series. I wish I could be best friends with a cartoon character

LOVE this picture of Bella and the two different colored ribbons representing the choice she has to make. Also love that she seems like a ballerina because, I don’t know about you, but I could’ve used less of a klutzy Bella.  By shirohato

This is my favorite piece that I’m sharing with you on our journey through the Twilight museum of art. The artist explained that this is a representation of Rosalie’s unhappy ending. If you look closely you’ll see her ghost in the picture, too. I have goosebumps. Found here on deviant art

There is so much Bella & Edward art out there. Mostly because there are so many great pictures of Robert & Kristen together- so people just use their pictures as inspiration. While often times they can be good (although mostly they’re not), I love this because it’s the artist’s vision of Edward & Bella. Plus added with the quote from New Moon (appropriate placed- not inked in an armpit or doodled on the back of a minivan) it’s incredibly powerful! Found here

See! Wasn’t that fun!? To take a walk through the Twilight art gallery and, maybe laugh a little less, but instead be inspired!? And Look at me! I am being so nice today. Come on- you have to admit it, you like nice UC….

Fine… it’s hard for me too.. I’ll cave… after the jump, enjoy the good stuff…. Continue…

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