The Crystal Ball of Twilight – What does the future hold?

In the year 2000000000

Dear Twilight,

I was just reading this lovely Hollywood Reporter post yesterday about your movie studio, Summit’s money woes in trying to get their business refinanced. Now, of course we don’t know anything about how this all works and how money is made and spent and financiers but UC and I got to talking after I sent her the link. She asked me if, after all this Twilight stuff, after all it’s success, after all the clams it made and after all the stuff we went through, if I could imagine if Summit folded. I honestly laughed thinking it might just be the best ending for this whole thing. Of course I don’t wish any ill will and hope they keep on making shiz, but it made me laugh and also made me think about the future of the rest of the cast, people involved and Stephenie herself . Our conversation made me think of one of my favorite Conan O’Brien skits called “In the Year 2000” where he and a guest would dress up in weird futuristic space capes and talk about what will happen in the future while they held flashlights pointed at their chin. Amazing. Of course.

So let’s fast forward to the year 2000 and see what happens after Summit folds and Twilight the movies are no more…

Rob quits acting and moves into into a hovel with TomStu where they form a Jackson Rathbone/100 Monkey’s-esque performance troupe and tour the country side of small eastern block european countries. They are begged by the Russian government to be specimens in a body odor experiment

Kristen moves to the the way west valleto take over her mom’s wolf hybrid breeding business with her life partner

After being dumped by every goodie two shoes in Hollywood, Taylor Lautner vows to a life of celibacy and becomes the Christian Tom Cruise

Catherine Hardwicke is finally blackballed from every major media outlet after continuing to rant on about the Robsten audition tape long after no gave a crapsten anymore. She moves to Puerto Vallerta to meet some groovy Mexican beach bums and films her passion project: a documentary about the creator of the Margarita

Stephenie Meyer lets loose and bares her shoulders while on a weekend wine tasting trip WITH US to Napa. Oh yes, she starts drinking. Who wouldn’t after all this?

Ashley Greene will become the next Jennifer Aniston complete with wildly popular tv series, a string of movies where she plays the same character (herself), a failed marriage to Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/whoever and spends her days jetting to Mexico thinking about her cats and “the one that got away” (Spoiler: Jackson Rathbone).

Tips welcome!

Jackson Rathbone runs away to join the circus as a one-man-band after he learns that Ashley Greene (aka “The one that got away) is marrying Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/Whoever.

Justin Chon becomes the biggest movie star in the world!

Big Daddy – After becoming a contestant on The Biggest Loser and getting his butt kicked by new trainer and LTT reader Olivia he becomes the Subway/Jared-esque spokesperson for McDonalds new GRILLED fish sandwich.

Solomon Trimble – Yea, I just don’t think I can make a manager at the Home Depot joke. He ran away to Puerto Vallerta with Cathi to be her pool boy / key grip / Margarite pour-er.

Xavier Samuel will still be hot.

Dakota Fanning will win her 239th consecutive Homecoming Queen title even thought she will have graduted decades prior.

So what started out as an innocent convo about what the hale is happening with this refinancing turned into something we just had to share. Because really WHAT will they be doing after Twilight is all over… your guess is as good as ours!

In the year two thouuuuusaaaaaand!
Themoonisdown

66 Commented

There’s an (Twilight) app for that!

(Today Freya gets all tech-y on us and talks about her iphone and Twilight… there’s a post for that! xo, moon)

none of the above!

Dear Twilight:

I’m a total iPhone fangirl. I’ve had my 3GS for over a year now, and I am an app whore. I love the fact that iPhone advertises that “there’s an app for that.” Because it’s so true. And as we recently discovered (and UC discussed on Letters to Rob), there’s even an app for stalking Rob! So you can conveniently know where Rob is two days after he appears there. And so you can also get incensed and start your “Respect Rob” campaign afresh (or whip out your jazzhands and “Disrespect Rob Nice and Slow” with me).

Anywhoodle, it got me thinking about what kind of apps the rest of the Twilight cast might have, if they were so popular. What kind of things are being slaved over by the application developers of the world RIGHT NOW? Without further ado, here are some of my ideas. (If you decide to develop these, bitches, I want a cut!)

• Justin Chon’s Disco Double Pack!

In an excellent value for your money, the people behind Justin Chon, AKA “Gaysian Eric”, are offering two applications for the price of one, both marketed to the ladies. The first app is The Gaysiandar. Most women have to rely on their intuition to figure out if a guy is on her side of the fence, or on the other side. This app, which mysteriously uses the landscape and portrait orientation function to identify another kind of orientation, is to help those clueless girls out, and to save them the heartache of falling for just another fabulous face.

The companion app is entitled “How to Hag”. For all you aspiring hags out there, you, too, can walk in the footsteps of Angela…ummm…anyone who wants to have a gay boyfriend. Some tips include “don’t be too attractive; if you are, cover it with nerdish glasses” and “be slightly taller than your gay boyfriend, so if you’re ever tempted to kiss him, it will be extremely awkward.” Words to live by, ladies.


There's an app for that

• Kristen Stewart’s Bitchface!

A photo editing app, this one will slap a mildly uncomfortable grimace or a wryly sardonic raised eyebrow on the faces of your family and friends. Imagine the hilarity of showing off your family reunion photos, with everyone from Aunt Gladys to cousin Earl to Granny Marie with matching bitchfaces! Or the fun of sending a sexy bitchface photo to your Stew-lovin’ boyfriend or husband! You can also buy bonus effects from the app store, such as “awkward feet” and “flipping the bird.” You can also buy the “Copstache” effect for an additional .99 cents. Fun for the whole family!

• Kellan Lutz’s Protein Calculator and Modeling Tips

How much protein is in a ziplock bag of hard-boiled eggs? Kellan Lutz knows! And now he’s bringing those secrets to you! Just type in the name of the food you’re going to eat and the calculator lets you know how much protein is in your meal! This app also offers tips on how to look your best at a photoshoot (“Take off your shirt, but not if you’re flabby,” “Oil up your muscles, maybe even with real crude oil,” “carry a manly prop, like an axe or a wrench” “use a sock”). Kellan’s voice offers encouraging phrases when you fall behind on protein consumption. Hear him say “You can do it!” “No, really dude, you can do it!” “For real, you’re awesome, and can do it!”

(Side note: I think my gay boyfriend has already downloaded this app. But he uses the encouraging phrases for “recreational” use, if you know what I mean.)


There's an app for this

• Dress Me Up Taylor Lautner

In the style of virtual paper dolls, you can dress Taylor up, or dress him down! With a plethora of black suits and skinny ties, he’s ready for a premiere, night on the town, a press junket, an awards show, or just a quiet night at home. Also included: track pants, basketball shorts, karate outfit, and a variety of pop and Disney stars for accessories.

• Nikki Reed’s Does the Carpet Match the Drapes?

Well, we all know the eyebrows didn’t match the hair. In this fun matching game, make Nikki’s sartorial selections for her! Match curly red with long straight blonde. Black and bald? Or bald and black? You make the call! Points for the most attractive coiffure, both north and south, will win you bragging rights with your friends!

• Michael Sheen’s Intimidating Evil Laugh

Much like the vuvuzela app, this app doesn’t do much. It just repeats Michael Sheen’s amazing New Moon laugh over and over again. Frighten pets, annoy your friends!

• Xavier Samuel is Hot

This app offers a daily photo of Xavier Samuel to remind us of his hotness. That’s all. Do you really need more?


There's an app to remind you!

• Solomon Trimble was in Twilight

This app synchs with your calendar. Once a day, every day, at a randomly chosen time, an alert will pop up to remind you that once upon a time, Solomon Trimble was in Twilight. Seriously. He was an original Wolfpack member. And don’t you forget it!

• Buttcrack Santa Sings the Blues
  Since he couldn’t get an album deal, Buttcrack Santa now does a podcast. Accompanied only by his lonely blues guitar, he sings his original tunes with such catchy names as Animal Attack!, Hot Girls Suck (Your Blood, Not Anything Good), and Don’t Rock the Boat (There are Vampires Inside).

• Dakota Fanning Countdown Clock (AKA “The New Legal In Georgia”)

Most Twi-related crap is marketed for the females; this one is for the gentlemen. As advertised, this app will count down until February 23, 2012. The Runaways was very confusing for some gentlemen, thanks to Dakota and Kristen and their kissing, so in case a reminder is needed, this app is here to help!

Be watching your App Store for these and other fabulous Twilight releases, coming soon! Remember: TWILIGHT: There’s an app for that!

Love,
Freya

There’s an app for how awesome our vacation letter writers are! Make sure you’re following them and show your love!

What app would Big Daddy have? How about David Slade? What kind of app do WE here at LTT/LTR need?

And don’t forget to participate in While Moon was Gone!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

114 Commented

The Twilight saga: Cast New Year's Resolutions

Dear people ready to celebrate a new year,

Do you do the New Year’s resolution thing? I usually do. Last year I resolved to drink only 2 diet cokes per week. I did pretty well. Well, except for April-October when I had a relapse and was drinking at least one per day. But now I’m back to my commitment to lay off the DC, and I usually only drink it if it’s available in a soda fountain. I’m still pondering my resolutions for 2010, but you can bet your bottom dollar meeting Big Daddy Lautner is on top of the list.

I got a chance to *talk* with a bunch of the cast/characters from the Twilight saga and I asked them what everyone is dying to know: What are your 2010 New Year’s Resolutions?

Michael Welch– I’m going to lay off the chips and try to lose that thing where it looks like I stuffed marshmallows in my cheeks. “Team Marshmallow” is cool and all, but I’m going for more of a Rob Pattinson-type chiseled face look in 2010.

Justin Chon– I plan to take Mike up on his offer for the  ‘bring a friend for free” coupon at the Tantopia

Buttcrack Santa– In 2010 I’m going to be looking for a girl a little bit older than my usual to share those little bottles with. Maybe someone 14 instead of 12. I’m also going to try to reinvent myself and show a little less crack. I like the ring of “”Armpit Hair Santa,” and I might try to bring the white-mesh wife beater back in style

Ashley Greene– Well, 2009 was successful with my naked picture scandal, so my 2010 resolution is to kick it up a notch with a sex tape leak. In part 2 of my resolution I hope that the scandal involves a B-list celebrity this time rather than some of the D & C-listers I’ve been known to f*ck

Kristen Stewart– This year I plan to have much better hair. I’d also like to prove all those critics who talk me up right by starring in a great movie that gets me a legitimate award nomination like that other Twilight actress…. what’s her name again?

Anna Kendrick–Anna Kendrick wasn’t available for comment as she’s busy being a real actress, but we caught up with her manager who told us:
In 2010 Anna plans to continue her reign as the only actor to come out of the Twilight saga worth her paycheck as an actress. She might possibly say “no” to filming Breaking Dawn and instead star in next year’s Oscar Best Picture winner. Rob Pattinson can sit behind her next year!

See the rest after the jump! Continue…

112 Commented

New Moon music and major props to Chris Weitz

I wish I had on my yellow pants

Dear Chris Weitz,

A few weeks back Moon had her chance to gush over you and THEN got to meet you and shake your hand at the Billboard music event. We’ve been sharing with the world (aka the followers on twitter) daily what a DILF we think you are and then in true LTT fashion, because nothing is sacred to us, we totes went and made fun of your horrible, awful, your “wife probably called you the minute the first picture leaked and demanded you remove them”, yellow pants. We feel bad. Because in watching all the interviews with you this week, and seeing you tweet about your “yellow pants committing suicide,” we feel like you may be aware of LTT and may have “heard” us poke fun of the awfulness of the pants.  We’re not sorry we said it, cause those pants deserve to burn, but we want to reassure you that you’re still our favy Twi DILF.

A few weeks back, when Moon was off somewhere crafting yet another plan to do yet another Twilight/Rob related thing to make everyone jealous, Calliope and I got to talking about the New Moon Soundtrack you and…. well, you’ll see

“I’m loving it”

Calliope: are you loving soundtrack?
UC: loving– I’m on my first listen right now!
Calliope: samies
UC: i may have switched to bon iver being my fav. i mean.. lykke li = amazing. but it’s bon iver. and i love him but then the grizzly bear…jeez..and this is what I’ve decided. (i shall tell Chris Weitz in a letter soon) New Moon LOOKS amazing; New Moon SOUNDS amazing; New Moon is a GREAT story, so as long as the acting is AMAZING, the movie will be AWESOME- it all falls on their acting and well….we’ll see
Calliope: yep. i think Kristen will be much more believable as Bella here. I think Weitz was the proper director for her… Hardi was too all over the place
UC: I hope! and Rob better not suck it (cuz sometimes he does) Hardi is crazy balls
Calliope: the puppy’s acting is also up for consideration
UC: Yes.. the puppy better lower his voice. Dude.. WTF is this Lupe Fiasco bonus track on the soundtrack? Omg… I’m dying. I will stop it and never listen again
Calliope: if rob’s acting sucks I’m blaming it on the apparition effect
UC: let’s just blame anything wrong with it on Hardi

Marry Me

UC: Seriously.. did you see that picture of Chris Weitz in the studio that @twilight tweeted? He has adorable sticking out ears! I would marry him if I weren’t already married. I’d walk right up to the studio where he’s been working day and night and say.. hey Chris marry me. I’d wear something slutty..
Calliope: oh. mae. gawd. listening to that lupe song now.
UC: TURN IT OFF- I will delete it from my iTunes, I mean it. I skipped over the opera too- i can’t handle it after indie amazingness
Calliope: Okay, I skipped to “the Meadow.” OMG i heart Weitz. I want to send him a gift basket to thank him for what he’s done with new moon, but not a cheesy fruit gift basket…like a serious thoughtful gift basket
UC: yes! let’s ponder this What would it include?
Calliope: An inspirational quote book (Because he’s sensitive and would totally get it)
UC: perhaps a mix tape too.. Champagne..chocolate..book of poetry- all the things we’d need, just in case he decided to take me up on my offer to ‘thank him’
Calliope: when I was in B&N yesterday possibly scanning the racks for one of the bazillion twi-gang covers I know I’m gonna buy, I saw a journal with “stay calm and carry on” on it… and I LEGIT wanted to buy it for him. I’d Etsy him a dartboard with the studio heads responsible for Golden Compass (plus one with Nicole Kidman’s face on it because her excessive use of Botox had to have had something to do with why it tanked, as well.)
UC: Perhaps we could also use a Rachelle pillow? Since he was the last to use her?

We talk football (seriously) after the jump! Continue…

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How to Tweet, our letter to @Twilight

Tweetin' n movie makin'

Dear @Twilight (the official Twilight Twitter account),

We gotta hand it to you, when you first launched the account yesterday you were off to a blazingly good start. I mean you did all the stuff you should: you had Chris Weitz submit the first tweet, kinda like breaking a bottle of champagne on the bow of a yacht… only this was more like breaking a bottle of Bud Light on a Ford Festiva, but I digress. Then he shilled out some tidbits like official run time and a news bit about the 1st scene being shown on ET next week. All stuff we didn’t know and loved to hear… But to be honest it reads A LOT like a corporate Twitter (HIT IT) and that’s just no good for us fans. While I understand the necessity of it being so-called “professional” may I suggest adding a little PIZAZZ to your tweets, you know just add a little life to what you’re saying… LTT style? We’ll even be so helpful as to rewrite your initial ones and instruct you on the various types of Tweets so you can just sub them out…

So to begin, (I need my laser pointer and Twilight “business” documents folder) there are 6 types of Tweets:

Types of tweets

1. Informational
2. Twitpic
3. Exclusive
4. Oh crap we’re in deep shiz
5. Retweet
6. Reply
   

The Informational tweet– involves relaying some type of message or link to information your followers might be interested in. These can be the most bland and probably need a little creative license to spice up… take for example:

Original:
From Chris Weitz – At sound mixing stage… introducing the werewolves. Trying to get the perfect bass rumble.4:06 PM Oct 12th from web

LTT-ed:
CDublious in da house @ sound stage introducing the werewolves. Trying to get the perfect bass rumble . Not that u will notice it next 2 their bare chests 4:06 PM Oct 12th from web

another example…

Original:
Kristen’s on the cover of Allure – http://tinyurl.com/yh6vkbz What do you think of her pics?about 5 hours ago from web

LTT-ed:
Our lead actress pontificates about stuff in a mag & makes us reconsider this casting 4 the umpteenth time. Check it http://tinyurl.com/yh6vkbz

Follow the cut to read our tips for @Twilight
Continue…

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