Kristen has her “Eat, Pray, Love” moment *sigh*

Look it says “Follow your bliss” next to a picture of Deepak Chopra!

Dear Kristen-

You are far too young to be having an “Eat, Pray, Love” moment right now. I get that you’ve had it pretty rough the last few weeks (though probably not totally undeserved) but “finding your truth” is best left to the girls my age who’ve worked in LA for about 5 years and realized they’re NOT going to meet Robert Pattinson by being Agent X’s 2nd assistant in charge of his coffee and dry cleaning and then they take off for Thailand for 2 months and burn every career bridge in the quest to “follow their bliss.”

The news about you not even READING Eat, Pray, Love but that after WATCHING Eat, Pray, Love with Julie Roberts you became interested in Gandhi and his writings which it totally weird to me because I really don’t remember Gandhi even being mentioned in that movie. And furthermore, if you’re getting off on Gandhi let’s remember he was a Hindu and they believer in the power of Karmic retribution and you might REALLY want to think about what you’ve put out there and what you might get back.


Instead of posting up in the “Spirituality” section of Barnes and Noble and creating a “Vision Board” with pictures of Jodi Foster and puppy dogs and Emily the Strange stickers in your quest to “visualize” your future maybe you should just own up to getting caught and then go watch something like “Friday Night Lights” and cry and think about how much you can learn from a real woman like Tami Taylor and not from Julia Roberts’s character who uses and abuses.

So Rupert Sanders may have “found his true north” in a mini cooper but giiiiirrll there’s more to life than a rerun of Eat, Pray, Love on Starz at 2 in the morning. I believe in you!


PS Kristen, it’s really shitty that the holy trinity won’t be at the final fan convention. Like REALLY. Way to screw that up.

Source: Radar (take it with a grain of salt, y’all!)

37 Commented

Move over Thomas Edison, Kellan Lutz is in town!

Let me tell you about that one time I wanted to rob a bank and how I thought I could get away with it.

Dear Kellan-

Lezzzz be honest here we all know what the fandom is losing their minds over right now and it’s NOT you and it’s definitely not the question I asked you last week at Comic Con about what you would do if you weren’t an actor which sent you into a 15 minute tangent about inventing and getting away with bank robberies. Honestly, it was the most entertaining 15 minutes of the afternoon and if it was just you and me we could have gotten weird with it and talked about how you could make whatever hovel you live in, in the Valley, the new Menlo Park but really like 4 people would have found that interesting, me and White Yorkie (who was with me) being two of them. We would have also asked you if your board game nights with Ashley Greene involved more Candy Land or Settlers of Catan or whether she likes Green Smoothies and if you guys were prayer partners or what ever really happened with Anna Lynne McCord. Sadly, it was not a solo interview and we had to share but we loved it any way and we appreciated your quite unusual response and the oddly specifics details with which you provided. We LOVE unusual and oddly specific, I mean look around.

I’m a wILd aND CrrAAzZZzzYY guy, can’t you tell?!

So regardless of the melee that is happening right now (and srsly, we love it) we love you. I mean you were our first letter after all. You inspired this shit. Congrats. Now next time we wanna talk more about your inventions and less about Emmett’s work out routine. Alone.


Have no idea what Moon is talking about? That’s cause you haven’t read our interview with Kellan, Ashley & Jackson with our fansite pals at Comic Con. Check it out below. And then when you’re done, make sure you don’t miss our coverage of the EPIC online reaction to last night’s BIG NEWS. (And read about the Break Up Kit we created for Rob!)

Interview with Jackson Rathbone, Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz
Hard Rock Hotel, San Diego
July 12, 2012

If you could do anything besides acting, what would you do?

Kellan: Invent. I love inventing, that’s my first passion. So I would just love to create a bunch of patents, I have a book of 50 right now. So I’d love to be a mad scientist who plays around with chemistry, and solves all the world’s problems and creates a few of them himself.

Did you ever have a mad scientist lab kit when you were a kid?

Kellan: I did. I still do. It’s kind of grown to a “Ren and Stimpy” kind of lab, which is fun.

And who’s your favorite scientist?

Kellan: Michio Kaku. He deals with wormholes. Check him out. He’s great.

Now we’re all going to have to Google him!

Kellan: Him and Albert Einstein, they’re both so ahead of our time. It’s just fascinating to read about them, what their theories are on loopholes and everything else. It’s fascinating stuff.

And if you could play one in a movie, who would you play?

Kellan: Young Albert Einstein.

Jackson: Not Tesla?

Kellan: Tesla is great! Tesla I actually deal with – I have this thing called the Cop Stopper that deals with Tesla’s technology. It’s like a Pokémon ball and you push the button- I want to rob a bank so much – and I’m from the Midwest, so we have like one bank, no security cameras, and so I designed this thing, and I
always wondered, you know I watch “Cops” all the time – why doesn’t a drug dealer design a trap door under their car? ‘Cause cops don’t have cameras under the cars, they get you for throwing stuff out the window! If you got a trap door under your car, boom! You would run over it. It would be genius. They would get out of so much. But my Cop Stopper was a Pokémon ball that you push the button and then Tesla’s coils go in and the chemical compound reactions go, so it’s an electrical ball so once you throw it out the window usually, in my idea of robbing a bank, I’d go through an alley way, and what this Pokémon ball would do, is it hits the metal of the cop car (everyone starts laughing)… see you got me going here! It hits the metal of the cop car and drains it completely dead, so the lead cop car stops, stopping all the other pursuing cop cars and you get away Scott free!


Kellan: How to rob a bank in Iowa.

….Ok, so Ashley and Jackson! 
(Everyone laughs)

Continued after the jump! Continue…

8 Commented

Kellan in a Cable commercial. About Twilight. En Espanol

Dear Kellan,

I don’t understand a word of this, but think it’s amazing.

You’re my favorite former youth-grouper Twilight star.



5 Commented

Kellan’s gonna Punk us all!

You're about to get Punk'd

Dear Anyone who’s ever known Kellan,

Cast members
Bible Study friends
Accountability Partners
Anna Lynne
The Wig Anna Lynne wore

This will serve as your warning, Kellan is going to be hosting an episode of Punk’d this season when they launch the reboot. Along with other celebs he will host an episode where he pulls a prank that supposed to be funny on SOMEONE… who that person(s) will be, we don’t know. So OF COURSE, I’ve come up with some scenarios…

Kellan bursts in on his weekly bible study in Hollywood as they’re studying a particularly tricky passage… “HAHA! You guys just got Punk’d! While everyone was giving one armed side hugs and trying out the casserole potluck I switched all the bible’s from NIV translation to King James! You’ve been studying from the least accurate translation of the bible!!! HAHAHAHA SUCKAHS!!!!” Kellan steals some leftovers and exits as everyone continues to look confused.

You just got... no wait, maybe I got Punk'd in this one

Kellan bursts in on his mom’s yearly mammogram appointment at the gynocologist’s office. “You just got Punk’d Mom!!!! HAHAHA!!! Remember when I asked to see your phone because I wanted to install my new Kellan Lutz app? Well guess what, there is no Kellan Luta app and instead I changed your appointment to today! You didn’t have to get your boob smashed for another six months! HAHAAHAHA! SUCKS TO BE YOU MOM!” Turns to camera “Ladies, don’t forget your yearly mammograms and monthly self exams” Demonstrates on himself and then exits while his mom stands shirtless next to the radiologist behind him.

Kellan jumps on stage after the 100 Monkeys finish an improvised song “We’re all gay for each other.” “HAHAHAHAHA YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D Jackson and Monkey dudes who’s names I don’t know! I was the dude who yelled “We’re all gay for each other” when you asked for audience suggestions for your improvised song. GOTCHA ALL!!! You just unknowingly came out on national television! HHAAHHAAH!” Kellan runs off stage laughing at Jackson and his guyliner. Too bad the joke’s on Kellan because the 100 Monkeys will go on to sell 38 copies of the song on iTunes. It was a reverse punking! On us all…

Kellan shows up to the Breaking Dawn Pt 1 tent city with dozens upon dozens of doughnuts for tired, hungry crazed Twifans sleeping in tents with his face on the side. As the fans attempt to grab his butt a doughnut Kellan throws the doughnuts on the ground and yells “YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D Twilight fans!!! HAHAHAHA I care too much about your health to let you eat these sugary, diabetes inducing, high fructose corn syrup bombs. Now go back to your tents!! HAHAHAA!” Kellan runs off to his limo but not without first picking up a half smashed doughnut from the ground then shoving it into his mouth before jumping into the backseat as Twihards stand, mouths agap, staring.

Little did you know Ashley... you just got Punk'd!

Kellan bursts into Ashley Green’s room as she’s changing, half naked she asks his opinion on an outfit. “Whatever shows the most T&A cause guess what you just got Punk’d Ashley! I’m actually not gay, I’m straight so all this time you’ve been thinking our cuddle sessions were totally platonic, they weren’t… and all the times I suggest we play Truth or Dare on game night and dared you to kiss me it’s because I totally like women not men! HAHAHAHAA! Now I’m off to the FEMALE strip club!” Cut back to Ashley half naked as she turns to the camera and mouths “I knew all along” HIT IT!

Yea, I pretty much imagine it to be something along these lines… only time will tell. So be vigilant and be on your toes friends and foes of Kellan! He’s on the Punk’d prowl.

If you see something, say something!

What will lil Kell bell do for his Punk’d episode? Anyone we missed?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTRThe ForumTwitterThe Store

63 Commented

Breaking Dawn is trying to sell us something else

Dear Breaking Dawn Promo stuff,

Sometimes I get the feeling you are trying to sell me more than just the movie. Like when I look at the promo pictures it feels like there’s really an underlying message or brand I’m being sold. It’s as if the Summit Marketing team got together to come up with some ideas for “brand partnerships” to create “film and corporate synergy.” Yea, I’m pretty sure the word “synergy” was used a lot… So when I saw this latest batch of promo headshots from Breaking Dawn I knew I had to be onto something…

Poor dude who plays Caius, with every movie he loks progressively more and more like Fabio. They might as well just give him a tub of butter to hold while he’s sitting behind Aro in the Voltera, Italy scenes and help make some extra money with product placement.

Charley Bewley is like one faux hawk and guy liner fueled make up and hair session away from his own Ed Hardy ad campaign. Poor guy, it’s not like he wants a rhinestrone tiger havng sex with a Koi fish on his chest, give the guy a break folks.

Carlisle’s not just the president, he’s also a member!

Dude, Carlisle is already winning the race for worst wig in Breaking Dawn and we haven’t even seen the film yet. YIKES.

Sure, most of Kellan’s life has been spent looking like an outtake from International Male Catalogue but we don’t need the official promo shots reminding everyone! Though I’m pretty sure Emmett did some Internantional Male Modeling in the 80s, I don’t want to see his mesh shirt collection any times soon.

(For a good time google image search “International Male Catalogue”)

Why does Edward ALWAYS end up looking like an Insurance salesmen/Real Estate broker/Weatherman/Boringest Person In the World??? How is it possible to make Robert Pattinson look like the dad across the street? Stop trying so hard Wardrobe Dept! We know he’s 107 years old, we’re supposed to be tricking the dumb Forks, WA townspeople not making a neon sign pointing to this guy saying “This guy could be your great grandpa not your son’s classmate!”

Sorry Alice… Sorry Twimoms but COME ON! Though I feel this latest incarnation of Alice’s hair is probably closeted to how Stephenie describes it, it still looks like she should be loading up orange slices and Capri Suns into the mini van.

While Emmett was busy modeling for International Male in the 80s, Jasper deciding to make some extra dough moonlighting at the local Chippendale’s club. Doing that face the entire time. Just that face, some cuffs and a g string. All night long. Try not to laugh. When Chippendale’s went belly up because of a Bachlorette party done awry Jasper made the move to modeling heinous man jewelry for Hot Topic. They already have replica Bella saint bracelets, the wedding ring and Alice’s velvet choker (!!!) why not take the next step and offer the small male contingency who loves Twilight some Jasper jewelry? I know what I’m getting The Font and White Yorkie for Christmas! Terrible  jewelry!!!

Am I the only one who feels this way about some of these promo’s? Maybe I should be hired by Summit to oversee Brand Synergy! Clearly, I have a knack for what’s happening.

Off to Chipendales!

Why do they always look so crazy? Do you guys feel the same way?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

25 Commented

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