Twilight Virgins say the darndest things

107-year-old-virgin-lrgDear Twilight sluts,

I love virgins. I get such a big kick out of people who have just or are currently experiencing their ‘first time.’ The way they talk; the way they’re all starry-eyed; the way they’re not jaded by the experience but still have hope for the purity & innocence of it- I just can’t get enough. It’s probably because it’s hard to remember when I lost my virginity- it seems to long ago.

I’ve been blessed to hold many a friend’s hand through the experience of losing her virginity. Of course I’m talking about losing her Twilight virginity. What did you think I meant? I introduced you to my friends UrbanGirl, ItalianGirl, Tex & PreggersPants back on this post [go, it’s brill] and I really thought it was over. I thought everyone in my life I could convince to read the series had done so. Turns out, Netta my cousin decided to hop on board and give her flower to Edward Cullen himself.

I really do love the innocence of a first time Twilight reader.  They don’t know the things we know- they may not know that Midnight Sun exists & probably aren’t yet pissed off at Stephenie for not finishing it. They probably have only seen the movie once or twice & haven’t yet realized, “This movie really kinda blows apart from Robert Pattinson & Buttcrack Santa.” They think they’re alone- oblivious to the MILLIONS of affected women out there. They call their other virgin friends and admit sheepishly,”I think I’m in love with a vampire,” not realizing the number of women throughout the world exclaiming, “That’s Normal!” And my favorite: They still refer to the actors & characters by their full names instead of Nik, KStew, Jack, Ash, Rob, etc. I recently received this e-mail from my cousin Netta:

Don’t tell anyone, but my friend Gretchen had a dream about kissing Edward Cullen.

First of all, sorry Gretchen, I just let your secret slip. But don’t worry. It’s only on my little blog. Secondly, thanks, Netta, for clarifying that it’s Edward Cullen she’s interested in kissing. At first I thought you meant Edward Scissorhands.

I want to rekindle that fire you once had for the series. I know it’s dwindling- don’t try to deny it. You’re over seeing pictures of Rob on the Remember Me set. You’re counting down the days until New Moon (126) and you wish that Stephenie would just write another damn book already! Today I have a gift for you in the form of texts I’ve compiled from my friends & family. [I’ve of course left you some necessary UC thoughts in brackets] After the jump, Read, recall & reminisce your first time…. Continue…

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Losing my Twilight-virginity

(as always, with everything that we post, there are MAJOR spoilers ahead)

Dear Twilight Series lovers,

Do you remember your first time? I do. I was on the beach in Hilton Head Island, SC in August of 2008, and I didn’t speak to my family for 5 days while I blew through the series. And I died a little inside on Day 2 when I finished Twilight and my husband wouldn’t drive me in the rental car all the way across the island to Wal-mart to buy the rest of the series.  I had to talk to people, play paddle ball on the beach and try NOT to think about what might happen in book #2. It was the longest day of my life.

I will never forget losing my Twilight-virginity; falling in love with Edward for the first time, experiencing all that sexual tension during the two days Edward and Bella are watching a video in Biology class- and trying not to touch- in the first book, crying so hard and feeling the ache when Edward was gone in pages 73 to 451 in New Moon, re-reading the part where Edward hitches Bella’s leg over his hip in Eclipse a million times, and Isle Esme Isle Esme Isle Esme (and inserting some important details in my own mind that S.Meyers left out). Reading the series was one of the most magical experiences of my life. And THEN getting to see Robert Pattinson bring Edward to LIFE in the movie on November 21st, AH- ORGASMIC I tell you! (before you go saying my sex-life must be way lame, let me also point out I call sneezing orgasmic- it is- the release! oh I wish I could sneeze right now!!)

Believe it or not, one of my close friends (let’s call her UrbanGirl) is a Twi-virgin. Or she was. She is currently reading the series for the first time right now. I’m so jealous. She emailed me and 3 other Twilight friends this past week while at work. Here was the conversation that ensued:

UrbanGirl: Book Three is Over. So now I know they are engaged and about to plan a wedding, and that Jacob ran away because he was so hurt by Bella’s choice. Tonight I am starting the last and final book.I am listening to the M83 album on Pandora and the song is Midnight Souls Still Remain. Sounds very vampirish.

Do you remember when everything you heard, saw or read had some sort of Vampire significance?! UrbanGirl also swears her new trainer at the gym looks exactly like Jacob. She promises pictures soon.

Me: Enjoy the last one- take it slow.. there’s nothing like your first time!

ItalianGirl: YES! Take it real slow!!!!

UrbanGirl: but I don’t want to. I want to know what happens!

Tex: It is painful at times; I’m not going to lie. You may even shed a tear or two but it will be all worth it in the end.

ItalianGirl: no no no.. just savor every word and don’t speed read it. trust- me slower is better!

UrbanGirl: yesterday I wanted to finish reading the one chapter so I snuck in my supply closet to finish it. ha.

ItalianGirl: I laughed so hard because I did the same thing- but was too embarrassed to mention it to anyone.. I actually sat at my desk with a contract binder nearby and the book underneath it… would quickly steal a couple sentences and then flop the contract binder down. HYSTERICAL! I am glad I’m not the only freak!

Tex: Seriously…I did this too. I sat in the balcony during church [where she works] and read a few chapters. I didn’t think I could go to my office in case anything went wrong in the service, but I think I did that two Sundays in a row.

PregPants: I never snuck it at work, but I would carry around the books with me like a prized possession and read them wherever I went. I waited for a car wash, read the book. Waited for a prescription at Walmart, forgot the book in the car, went and got it off the shelf at Walmart, and read it.

And there you have it. A workday conversation about losing your Twi-virginity. Sounds like a convo I had once in the past about another “first time” I experienced. There was talk of ‘taking it slow’ (of course THAT didn’t happen), pain, tears, a supply closet, more tears, a church… a closet in a church… oh jeez.. do many details?*

Anyway, let’s just say I liked losing my Twi-virginity a WHOLE lot better…. and UrbanGirl is loving it too!


*Calm down- I’m not a skank- I like to joke around. I was kidding. It wasn’t in a supply closet 🙂

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