Taylor gets a Trailer

Dear Taylor,

We were sent this story on the gossip site TMZ and just could not pass up commenting… I mean….. really?

Taylor Lautner’s Emotional Distress Over Trailer

Taylor Lautner claims he’s suffering from “emotional distress” and “annoyance” … because his RV trailer wasn’t delivered on time.

In a new lawsuit obtained by TMZ, Lautner claims he made a deal with McMahon’s RV to purchase a personal trailer for around $300,000 … a trailer he could use while shooting his new movie, “Abduction.”

According to the suit, the deal was that the trailer would be tricked out and delivered by no later than June 21 … but it wasn’t.

Lautner claims breach of contract and fraud and wants unspecified damages.

The only thing that felt appropriate to do was…. well, role play that conversation between you and your lawyer, of course:

Ring ring ring
Secretary: Hello offices of Jocoby and Meyers
Taylor: I need Jacoby pronto. Don’t put me on hold- I need him now- it’s an emergency
Secretary– Okay, Mr. Lautner, I’ll get Mr Jacoby for you. One second- he’s on the line with a Mike Welch who’s suing weight watcher (in the distance) Mr. Jacoby? it’s Taylor Lautner. Something bad must’ve happened. perhaps Chris Hansen finally had his way with him or maybe he was bitten by a wolf

paper your walls with THIS

Mr. Jacoby: Hello Taylor, how are you this fine day?
Taylor: Mr. Jacoby I need to file a suit
Mr. Jacoby: Ok Taylor, whats going on? Another rancid meat patty?
Taylor: No no, against 1800-Mobile-Home. I’m being Screwed. I’m being PLAYED. I ordered a tricked out trailer- you know- 30″ rims with five foot lifts and a cool, purple color and papered with Taylor Swift & selena Gomez wall paper
Mr. Jacoby: Mobile Home? Taylor you’re a movie star what are you doing buying manufactured homes?
Mr. Jacoby: And they make Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez wallpaper?
Taylor: Yes- children are specially printing it in a factory in China for me. It even has a bow flex 3000 in the living room. Dude, they don’t even sell the 3000 to civilians! But they made an exception after I sent them pictures of me from New Moon and Eclipse
Taylor: And don’t knock the mobile home till you’ve tried it- you don’t know what kind of conditions they expect me to live in while on set…. they use standard-issue WHITE small TRAILERS. no one would call them a home- even hurricane survivors would reject them from FEMA
Taylor: This trailer has a special fridge with a meat patty, sweet potato and protein powder dispenser- a walk in closet that can hold all 57 of my gray suits PLUS Big Daddy’s suit and polo shirt and all 920,000 of my leather jackets.
Mr. Jacoby: Well Taylor I’m sure Hurricane survivors would love even a Fema trailer or your standard issue Star Wagon but it sounds like you’ve got a case on your hands.

Mr. Jacoby: So Taylor what went wrong with the trailer? No meat patty holder? Can you not fit all the leather jackets in the closet
Taylor: You think I have a case? I’m also hoping to get some extra for emotional… what do you call it depress? duress? Distress? I mean.. I’m ANNOYED. THEY DID NOT DELIVER BY JUNE 21st as promised! It would be one thing if they’d accidentally misspell BIG PIMPING on the side with TWO M’s or something- I’d eventually heal from that horror, but I don’t Even HAVE The Pimp-Mobile misspelled to be horrified about.
Mr. Jacoby: Where are you staying between takes? In the porta potties? Because that’s definitely duress, especially after taco day
Taylor: NO Worse. I’m in a HOTEL in PITTSBURGH
Mr. Jacoby: ohhh Pittsburgh home of the Steelers eh?
Taylor: don’t REMIND ME. I’m supposed to be in a tricked out mobile home from McMahon’s RVs, but noooooooo
Mr. Jacoby: Maybe we can have them throw in some sideline tickets in the lawsuit
Taylor: They’ve beeched my contract
Mr. Jacoby: You mean Breached. What if they gave you a personal dance from the Steeler’s cheerleaders… or quarter back whatever you prefer?
Taylor: NO. They are FRAUDULENT. I want an unspecified amount of damages- I don’t know what that means, but I know that’s what all those rich celebrities ex wives get when they get divorced. I want to be like Elin Woods

Not even this will make him laugh

Mr. Jacoby: Ok Taylor maybe we should slow down… we can rent you something from Cruise America
Taylor: Explain this cruise america…..does it float? Can I take it on Lake Erie? I could work with that… there’s a duck pond behind the school where we’re filming next week…
Mr. Jacoby: Well I’m pretty sure we’d put McMahon’s RV out of business suing them for 75 billion dollars so how about we figure out a better undisclosed amount?
Taylor: 25 billion? I’m really distressed and also annoyed. If it showed up tomorrow, I wouldn’t even laugh at the picture of me & my dad on the side where my face is covered with a fish-o-filet sandwich.
Mr. Jacoby: How about a VW bus from the 70s with the camper top, a lifetime supply of Muscle Milk, a sponsorship from Yam Association of America and a new pair of those black oxfords from Payless you wear all the time? That seems like a fair amount to me’
Taylor: Can we paint “Big Pimping’ on the side? And get 35” rims?
Mr. Jacoby: Definitely. I’ll get the local hoodlums to bring over some spray paint. 35 or maybe 16in, ya know it’s an older model- VINTAGE Taylor, Vintage

Taylor: I just really wanted McMahon’s to suffer as much as I have this summer, sleeping my nights in the Steel city alone, without Taylor or Selena on my walls, in their glow-in the dark sequined skirts
Mr. Jacoby: Well what about we “leak” this lawsuit to the team taylor folks and accidentally leave the email address of the president of McMan RV’s, their phone number and their address in the documents. Hell hath no fury like a Twilight fan scorned
Taylor: Done. We could even get the Robsten Stalker people to photograph the inside of Mr McMan’s personal trailer……that’ll teach him
Mr. Jacoby: or a Team Jacob fan trying to compete with Team Edward fans
Taylor: you don’t f*ck with a wolf
Mr. Jacoby: No you don’t. Shit just got real real for McMahons. Lord have mercy on their souls and their email servers

Shit just got real,

Mr. Jacoby (played by MOon & occasionally UC) and Taylor Lautner (played by UC & occasionally Moon)

What do you think? Did the media blow this out of proportion? Or is this a sort-of protocol thing that they followed when Taylor’s trailer really wasn’t delivered? What do you think a “Tricked-out” Taylor-trailer looks like!?

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