Letters to Twilight

Rating the New Moon Trailer

Posted by unintendedchoice on June 2nd, 2009

Dear Twi-hards,

Introducing Moon & UC Grade something. It’s just like Breaking-it Down Vanity Fair Style, but just with us. Sometimes The Quad is busy & this is just easier. Today we grade the New Moon Trailer. Oh, you haven’t seen it? Clearly you’re not a real fan, but we’ll let it slide. Check it out then let us know if you agree with our grade scale:

Love,
UC & Moon

Here’s a fun game. See if you can count how many times we say “Dude”

Moon: Wanna break down the trailer, right now?
UC: Yes. This feels so forced. Like we scheduled sex. 6/1/09 9:00 pm SEX
Moon: Let me close the door (sounds like we’re doing something dirrrrty)
UC: dude i’m drunk. Okay I’m reading. i mean. i’m ready
Moon: one second let me enlarge this sucker
UC: that’s what she said

Edward & Bella
Moon: ok so he says “you’re my only reason to stay.. alive.. IF thats what i am”
WHAT?!
UC: The husband just said “such predictable dialogue” Um, no commentary from you, thank you very much
Moon: it’s stephenie meyer- everything is predictable. So…what Edward says doesnt even make sense
UC: “you’re my only reason to stay alive..if that’s what i am.” What does that mean!?
Moon: WHAT?!
UC: WHEN is that part?
Moon: It’s in the cullen house. Before the bday party?? Maybe after? Either way that line makes no sense, but he could speak pig latin and i’d listen
UC: “ihay ovelay youhay obray.” It’s kinda sexy.. the way she’s all up on his chest.. with her hand. I’m kinda turned on right now. DAMNIT 3rd glass of wine
Moon: he could be like “i farted cause i ate a bean buritto” and i’d be like WOW- profound
Moon: ok not really but ya know. It’s like when someone speaks a different langauge than you and it sounds hot even if they’re asking where the bathroom is. He’s working THAT
UC: He totally is. He’s working that sexy, drool-worthy voice that you know he doens’t have in real life. In between takes he was totally burping Kristen’s name

Rose rocks a hot bitchface

The Party (:31)
Moon: we need to break down the outfits
UC: first impression: House..l.. um YES… major win over the last house, which i loved
Moon: yea i LOVED the last house. I want to MARRY the last house
UC: House= win. so romantic. I so hope that the hubby does that exact thing for our annivesary celebration tonight.
Moon: the two houses don’t look like they go together
UC: i want to marry THIS house. They’re diff houses, but I love them both. This is an upgrade. Let’s discuss the coloring. It’s great. I wasn’t against the blue. I liked the blue. It was depressing, rainy. I thought it was nice, but the warm golden colors? I like
Moon: The blue color was dreary twilight, and I think the change to warn tones reflects the change to the wolves and earthy shiz like the quilutes. LOVE the new look
UC: Um Alice= my bff. She shoulda worn THAT Sunday night to MTV cuz it’s major win. Also notice NO showing of Nikki/Rosalie except for one bitch-face moment that I’m about to screen cap
Moon: No joke, Ash’s wig is better than her bouffant from last night
Moon: Rose looks hot for once and not like she fell out of a TJ Max sale rack like she did in Twilight.
UC: right. Ross Black Friday special
Moon: seriouisly lest we forget her ACID wash jeans
UC: she goes well with uncle jesse
UC: Esme? Uh, make me a vamp now and make her my mama
Moon: Esme will always be hot and timeless. NEED that dress
UC: WILL BUY that dress on ebay. For $7,000 if I have to. Will fight over any Twimom to get it.

"Won't you be my supper?"

UC: so far I’m in love with Chris Weitz. Can we discuss the manly sound we hear “Alice that cake could feed 50. you guys don’t even eat”
UC: It’s like Kristen said “damn, it’s 3am, i don’t give a F*ck… i’m gonna sound like it’s 3am. Or like I ate a frog.”
Moon: uh JASPER- aka: Mr Rogers cardigan and a poodle wig
UC: SO nasty! Seriously. Almost as bad as sweat fest 2009 at the khyber in philly
Moon: he’s all top heavy with that hair, makes him look like a pinhead. I’m so sad and underwhelmed. Sweatfest was better

Not so fast, you sweaty monkey, you

The dramatic, small flesh wound (:43)
Moon: Jasper running is ridiculous! totes diff than how i imagined it but awesome
UC: poor piano
Moon: next time i get a papercut im going to fling whatever it is im holding in the air. totally dramatic “OW PAPERCUT!”
UC: Yes! Then throw someone on the piano! And ruin it. Even though it’s an antique from the 1800s that Bach played in the 1600. F*ck it. Who cares.
Moon: thats how you react to small flesh wounds
UC: Caust it’s a MUCH bigger deal than Bella getting her period
Moon: dude you can totally see the harness and wires on jasper/stunt double. It’s all rumbled and a big square thing on his back
UC: Rush job!
Moon: yes definite rush job
UC: Insert note from the Hubby “how many times do you think you’re gonna watch that clip? You probably should a bunch more. You don’t want to miss any foreshadowing or symbolism” (this is where I get my wonderful sarcasm)