Kristen Stewart: Love her? or Hate her?

Someone sent us an email yesterday with some “suggestions” and one of them was “be nicer to KStew.” We took it to heart. Kinda. We have two different fan letters offering some KStew love and some KStew, uh, not love. PS this is long. But worth it. Trust

Kristen Stewart – Stop Making Me Feel Bad For You.

Dear Kristen,

Do you have a lot of free time on your hands? Did the long break between New Moon and Eclipse make you go a little crazy? Because I do not see any other case why you would be haunting my dreams trying to make me feel bad for you. Yes, I call you a possum behind or your back, and tell anyone who will listen about your “keen acting style,” which I describe as a combination of blinking and the stuttering random incoherent sentences. And honestly, you get to kiss one of the hottest pieces of ass out there right now, so maybe i’m just slightly jealous of you so I talk shit about you. GET OVER IT. Its not cool to come into my dreams, also known as my Rob Fantasy Time, and be all awkward and pathetic. I know you are like that in person too, but for some strange reason my dream self feels bad for you instead of just annoyed like I am. Right now. With you. Do you not have better things to do then to bug me? Are Michael Oregano’s texts becoming far and fewer in between? You know, maybe if you don’t want him to know your secretly banging Rob on set you could try to not look so DAMN SATISFIED every time your around him. Its downright nauseating. But anyways, since you seem to have all this extra time to PESTER me with, I have come up with some ideas on how to kill some time.

• Shower Daily. I know this one seems like a hassle and Rob likes you dirty, but damn girl. I could deep fry some french fries with the grease coming out of your hair. And maybe while you’re in there you can sing little melodies to yourself like the one you sing in Into The Wild – because HOT DAMN that was shit was B.O.M.B., right?
• Find Shirts That Fit You Correctly. This I think will help you kill time the most. You seem to think that if you just knot your shirt on the side then its good to go – its not. INSTEAD, why don’t you just buy clothes in your size? Judging by the recent picture I saw of you, I’d say you’re about a 2 days from anorexic, or maybe 3. I can’t be sure, but that’s what dressing rooms are there for. (I KNOW!! Who’s of thought people would want to try stuff on before they bought it!!? Crazy!!)
• Get Back Together With Michael. Now you are not the President so I’m pretty sure you don’t give a shit about your approval rating, but I am telling you it will SKYROCKET if you get back with Michael and let everyone think Rob is available again. Plus, Michael seems like a pretty good guy, and I’m sure after a bong and a half old memories will come rushing back to you – and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in the smelly unclean British boy.
• Go Be A Guest Star On a Crappy TV Show Trying To Be Like Twilight. Have you heard of all the ones they’ve made? Its almost ridiculous – I can’t keep up. But if you’re wanting to kill some time and feel like showing off those acting chops, I’m sure any show would be ECSTATIC to have you. It’d be like a visit from the mother ship, the creator, their very reason for being – Or at least that is how your agent could pitch it so you get mega $$ for doing like 10 minutes of some blinking and sighing. I wouldn’t want to burden you with having to learn actual lines that you’ll probably just change anyway to something more artistic. You know add a couple um’s, you know’s, like’s, uh’s and mMm’s – signature KStew Style.
• Try To NOT Get Photographed Doing Illegal Things. In case you forgot, you are not invisible. So every time you go outside to light up a little MaryJane, we can all see you. And those of us with cameras are going to take advantage of it. You might have noticed that one time when you and Michael were smoking on what looks like your front porch some bright flashes. NO, those were not hallucinations from some DOPE SHIT, those were camera flashes snapping away as you slowly get stoned. Then this summer I saw leaked pictures of you sipping on some Heinkien. Honey, we’re in America and in case you didn’t get around to noticing – the drinking age here is 21.

*Sigh* I’m hoping you’ll put my suggestions to good use. I know you’re a busy girl, but these things could really help your image too. You’ll be cleaner and well-liked, and I’ll sleep better and stop being angry for feeling bad for you. Its a WIN WIN. Now, listen up closely Stewart if I see your face again after I post this I’m going to take that as a F*CK YOU, JanuaryMorning. Which, in which case means all out war – and you will lose. K, great – well I’m glad we got this all cleared up and I confessed all the things I say about you so when we meet you’re not surprised or anything.

Hoping To NEVER See You (in my dreams) Again,
January Morning

That was the KStew love letter. Read the hate after the jump. Continue…

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The Dirt – New Moon Merch, Stoli Shirts and Color Me Badd, Oh MY!

Dear LTT-ers,

So much has happened over the weekend and last week that we couldn’t possibly write letters about everything but we wanted to hand pick the news that we thought you needed to see!

Hold on to your Pattinsons pants cause away we gooooo!
Themoonisdown

• New Twilight bookmarks available for preorder. Perfect for in between the pages of your copy of The Purpose Driven Life or for when you print out Fanfic and put it in a 3 ring binder so you can read it at work.

• Remember last week when I wrote Nikki asking where in the world had she gone? Well obviously she reads LTT because she turned up in Greece over the weekend with a member of Color Me Badd

• Fresh off his shift at the Home Depot and a hot oil treatment, Solomon Trimble still working any Twilight connection he has and makes an appearance at Quileute Days. Is Solomon even Quileute?

• 

  Seriously, is this what it’s come to?

  Rob’s blessed Stoli vodka shirt came out of hiding this week. Some folks at Why Not RPattz and Robsessed did some insanely minute investigation work tracing the rips, stains and lifespan of the shirt. Now just think if we had this kind of attention to detail on finding Osama Bin Laden or curing life threatening diseases. Dayum.

• Cute Dude with hot  accent will be in Eclipse and his name is NOT Robert Pattinson… welcome to Victoria’s newborn boytoy Riley. Listen to him talk about being cast…

• If UC and I were creepy guido papparazzo’s with man voices I’m pretty sure this is what we’d say…

“… only two minutes Rob, only two minutes brother…” Apparently Rob is not only the face and cure for vaginal dryness but also the spokesperson for erectile dysfunction. Poor guy.

• Once again Taylor comes off as the most mature 17yr old I’ve ever heard, listen to him discuss NM and other junk in one of the best videos to come out in a while… also enjoy the music!

• Interview magazine makes Taylor look like a guest on Sprockets with Klaus and Dieter. I still hate turtlenecks but for some reason I keep having to repeat to myself, “he’s only 17…”

• It’s hotter than balls in the Northeast and Ashley’s rocking LEATHER hot pants on the Alexa Chung show. She might be crazy or my hero

• Some shiz is going on after Comic Con but I know where I’ll be at: an as yet determined watering hole drowning our scream frazzled nerves with Rob and the LTT/LTR gals! Won’t you join us?

• Uh, this could be one of the lowest moments in the fandom… *sigh*

So who ordered their set of bookmarks?

Read about all the things that make UC think of Rob at Letters to Rob
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