Back to December and back to Swiftner, we break it down

Dear Swiftner (aka Taylors’ Swift and Lautner),

We miss you… a lot. We love each one of you… a lot. And now Taylor Swift has written a song about you Taylor Lautner and we want a reunion… here we are to break it down. DUH.

Have a listen here:
Taylor Swift – Back to December
[audio: http://letterstotwilight.com/music/BacktoDecember.mp3]

What could have been…… awwww…

The one where we go back to December, lit-trally
UC: okay let’s talk some Swift
Moon: yes, can i tell you my fave feature of itunes is “date added”… listening… omg my boss must think im crazy i have this blaring
UC: hahaha… youre trying to be “well rounded”
Moon: back to december allll the time. ok ok taylor im opening ltt’s dec 2009 archives… clearly taylor is an ltt fan cause dec is our anni month
UC: happy anniversary us!
Moon: awww the lautner family xmas letter. tay is sad she wont make it this yr
UC: i just saw that
Moon: oh we did a tay laut appreciate sunday in dec
UC: yeah… they were TOTES on in Dec. is that when it fell apart? Or was December a happy month?
Moon: OH right he was on SNL this month… dude what happened?! when were they seen out all those times with to go boxes? and his sports car
UC: i thought that was in the spring, but that must have been before… ohhh wait you wrote to the Taylors here and then we broke down swiftner like crazy robsten fans in OCTOBER of 2009, OCT 29 2009
Moon: awwwww memories
Moon: rainbows, unicorns… lisa frank folders
UC: it was perfection

The one where we think we know what happened

UC: and we know now, b/c of song and….. i’m now even MORE convinced this song is about them .. the timing was off in my head.i thought Swiftner was in the winter/early spring. but no… it was fall into CHristmas season
Moon: well when i was in planes, trains and hospitals last week i read like EVERY rag mag and she said it was about him pretty much
UC: and while I have to admit I’ve spent a long time listening to her new album over the past week, i think that this is how it went down: they met. They had so much fun. they liked each other. HE admitted the feelings were strong, and she did not. she hurt him. he left. she misses him, she’s sad, writes hit song. we break it down… and hopefully one day see her in concert ( I love Taylor) Because remember when that super secret source who is friends with Taylor told us they were NEVER really Swiftner and we were heart-broken? well, I still think that might be true…. and that Tay Lautner wanted to be Swiftner. HE wanted matching Lisa Frank trapper keepers & white baby kittens to hold together under a fuzzy pink blanket but something scared Taylor Swift off- I’m gonna go with Joe Jonas. And Ashley Greene- cuz she’s fun to blame even though they weren’t together then and Summit. Let’s blame Summit
Moon: hahaha, cause everyone loves to blame them for everything.
UC: Taylor Swift saw Robsten- and what happened with them- the rabid fans & the manips of their lovemaking in front of the fire (mostly from us) and didn’t want to BE Swiftner and broke Taylor’s heart
Moon: i think they were having a good ol time filming Valentines Day. they hung out, “dated” with chaperone’s (aka big daddy), vma nonsense with Kanye happened, things heated up, love declared on SNL, then BOOM johnmayer/joejonas/whoever called

The one where Taylor Swift is scared of the fireplace

Wait, is this a manip?!

UC: she says “Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind”
Moon: fear of the fireplace
UC: Fear = The Swiftner version of Robsten Fans making love videos
Moon: it’s alright to be scared the first time taylor
UC: Don’t fear the fireplace Taylor!
Moon: we’ll walk you through it
UC: haha we’ll make a step by step guide to rocking the fireplace, also rocking in front of the fireplace
Moon: taylor laut no doubt has his v card so it’ll be quick
UC: Yes- it’ll be his vcard disappearing that night.. yours will barely be touched.
.
The one where the Jersey Shore gets involved

Yup, totes DTF

UC: So let’s get back tko the lyrics though- as they tell a good story…….in December, of 2009, after they went out to celebrate LTTs 1 year anniversary…
Moon: Clearly.
UC: it sounds like Taylor gave her flowers….. probably got down on one knee and asked her to make Swiftner official. NO doubt he had breadsticks in hand to seal the deal and she said NO
UC: and dropped the flowers- or he did. ANd they wilted. Like their almost Swiftner relationship
Well, it says it right there- “SO good to me. SO right” I think she loves it. She sings “It turns out freedom aint nothin’ but missin’ you, wishin’ I’d realized what I had when you were mine” It sounds like Mr. Lautner was laying down the law… saying. enough of flirting with boys from Nashville.. I want you all to myself Taylor
Moon: dude TAYLOR LAUTNER get your people on the phone, charter a flight and get to wherever Swifty is because as The Situation and Pauly D say: TAYLOR SWIFT IS DTF!!!!!!!!!
UC: You’re right she was JUST DTF
Moon: she realizes she had it GOOD and john mayer is a toolbag and she wants his assssszzzzz back
UC: she sings about wanting Freedom- but “Freedom” meant getting screwed & felt up by a dude with backne (aka John Mayer). i don’t mean screwed like Effed, I mean screwed over and felt up after having to give him a massage over his backne.
Moon: screwed as in he stole her publishing rights on a song they cowrote. LICENSING NERD ALERT!!! john mayers no fool. he sees her #1 songs

Follow the cut to read the rest of our break down, to see who we blame and the bet we place
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117 Commented

Open Weekend Post: Hosted by Kellan & his mom talking about mammograms!

Dear Kellan-

Oh sweet heavens. I can’t make it through 5 seconds without having to stop the video because I’m laughing or cringing so hard. This is like watching you and your mom talk about the “birds and the bees” for the first time back in grade school, or junior high or whatever your sensible christian parents thought was a proper age. Of course it was started, interjected and ended with “but you should wait for the mate that’s right from God” (I don’t want it, want it, I don’t want it! sing it with me!). Only this time it’s like you’re the parent telling your lovely mother about breast self exams and then when you say “have you gotten tested lately?” It sounds like your mom may be a bit of a good times gal who’s in need of services from the free clinic.

Then there was talk of pap smears and yearly exams and I had to run screaming from the room because my parent embarrassment level was higher than when my mom used to drop me off at my friends and yell “make good choices” out the window as she drove away. But luckily I made it back in time for you to say you ‘did it’ with you mom and we should all ‘do it’ with our moms and ‘do it’ with other moms! Cause I’m a mother lover, you’re a mother lover we should ef each other’s mothers… ok, maybe that last part was an SNL Digital Short but STILL. KELLAN, COME ON!!! Stop with the PBS After School Specialness of this PSA.

2nd hand embarrassed but love your boobs!
Themoonisdown

PS But seriously folks, all joking aside Kellan and his mom are totes right, feel yourself up regularly and get felt up by a professional regularly! Love your boobs, because Kellan and his mom said so!! Hey, just think of Kellan telling you to ‘do it’ while you’re getting your boob smashed in the mammogram machine, it’ll make it almost half enjoyable. Not.

PPS I (moon) will be at TwiCon/Eclipse Con today so I will be live tweeting all the craziness from what I’ve already dubbed #CrazyCon so make sure you’re following me as I 2nd hand embarrass myself and see the nuttiness. Oh and the holy trinity… ya know, those guys.

More info on Kellan’s boob group: Men for Women Now

Did you make it through the video without hitting pause? Big ups to Kellan for not laughing TOO hard through this. And feel your boobs up cause it’s important!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

31 Commented

Taylor Lautner on SNL… what shall we say…

Wait, I think I see a funny skit over there...

Dear Taylor,

Now you know I love ya something fierce (most days) and think of you and Taylor Swift as my own personal Disney Prince and Princess but when the nicest thing I can say about SNL is that you really can rock a wig… that’s probably not good. Now, before I get more than my daily share of hate mail I gotta say there were a couple shining moments in your episode of SNL…

• Your opening monologue! Showing the VMA clip where you just stood there doing nothing while Kanye trampled all over your sweeties moment was all kinds of hilarious

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.4202356&w=425&h=350&fv=]
round house kick…

• Those pre-roll photos they show of the host before the skit. Those were HOT sauce and should be added to some museum for creepy women older than you to enjoy

Oh hey hey heeeeey!

• The wigs. How is it that you can pull off a blond wig, a floppy McDonalds arches mid 90s wig, an emo wig and a freaking crimped and braided teenage girl wig? Does it worry you any that compared to most other teenage boys you look pretty natural in  long girly hair? And most importantly does it worry you that a TV show has access to better wigs than a movie with a multi-million dollar budget has?

Nice rack!

See what else was win, what sucked and what certain red head country star made a cameo after the cut
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Taylor on Saturday Night Live!

Dear Taylor-

Tonight you’re going to be hosting Saturday Night Live and if I’m honest I’m beyond excited for you and for me! I may have even double checked the DVR like uh… 5 times or so just to make sure I’ll have it recorded for all of eternity or until my DVR blows up from recording too many episodes of Top Chef and Jersey Shore (It’s “The Situation,” yall!). I’m kinda of an SNL connoisseur  so can I suggest a few things?

You kind HAVE TO do a skit where you impersonate Rob! I mean seriously, who else could do it? Put on a wig of crazy sex hair, a flannel and have some girl in a black mullet wig tell you what to do, brood a bunch and it’s gold I tell ya!

Make fun of yourself and the jorts! You HAVE to do a wolfpack skit or at the very least something about teen wolf! Only one of the best movie of the 80s by Micheal J Fox that didn’t have to do with time travel.

Opening Monologue?! Well, I mean Taylor Swift set the bar pretty hight… you either gonna have to give her a shout out or do your best impression of Taylor doing Taylor Swift doing Shakira… whew I’m just tired thinking about it…

I have BIG hopes for your Taylor… you will rock this cause no one can do worse than January Jones did this season on SNL. So bring it and bring it HARD (that’s what she said!) Cause I’ll be watching!!!!!!!

Break a leg!
Themoonisdown

What skits do you hope Taylor does on SNL tonight? An “Oh Really?” or perhaps a “Target” with Kristen Wig? Let’s all cross our fingers Big Daddy makes it in because this SNL will (hopefully) be full of videos and videos worth of blog content!

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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Jimmy Fallon is SUCH a Twilight fanboy!

Nouget-about-it!

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

First off I heart your show! If anyone had to take the late night spot of my beloved Conan, I’m glad its you. While your hair doesn’t stand up to the fabulous red heights of CoCo’s beautiful soft serve ice cream cone of a hairdo, your humor does. I cant tell you how many times me and my friends yell out “BOTHERED” on a daily basis or “hungerectomy” (when you get your hunger removed, naturally) or “snacklish” (I learned my first word in Snacklish: it’s BOTHERED!) and beg everyone we know to visit Robertisbothered.com just so they can participate in the awesomeness of “pumpkins are dumb fat squashes!” Now, we originally thought you were jumping on the Twilight/Rob bandwagon because it’s the (sorta, if you’re a major nerd like us) hip thing right now and heck, if we’re all honest anything Twilight will get you mad viewers.

But I was so wrong.

but really what's it like being with EDWARD CULLEN?! Does he really sparkle?

You didn’t make Robertisbothered.com or have Taylor and Kristen on your show just because you wanted viewers. You did it cause you’re SUCH A FANBOY!!! It’s alright to admit it, I watched your interviews with both Kristen and Taylor and I could see it in your eyes. You had the look of a Twimom who’d been standing in line at a Hot Topic for 10 days just to get the new Jacob doll or to get your DVD signed by Bob the Electrician #3 on the film. Trust me, I’m a seasoned professional Twilight outer, I can see this stuff a mile away.  So when you started acting all nervous and dorky (more than usual) around Kristen I knew you had it BAD. You talked about the good stuff like Bon Iver (though KStew didn’t know the backstory) and you had her throw footballs at plates (aka what the UC & Moon’s talk show would consist of) I just wished you had freaked her and Taylor out with some super creepo detailed fan questions such as:

• “So have you thought about how you’re going to act out a half human, half vampire baby is eating its way out of your uterus?
• Seriously, fade to black?! Don’t you agree Kristen, Stephenie Meyer is such a cock block there?!
• Taylor, you’re gonna imprint on a newborn baby, don’t you find it funny that after protecting you for the last year, Chris Hansen is gonna be chasing after YOU now?! Cause I’m dying thinking of the irony here.
• So what’s Buttcrack Santa really like!? SPILL!

Read the rest and watch some videos of awesomeness after the cut

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