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**BREAKING DAWN REVIEW COMPLETE WITH SPOILERS DUH!!! DON’T READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN BD AND DON’T WANT TO BE SPOILED!**
Dear Breaking Dawn,
Remember when we said Eclipse was a real movie last July? Well we hadn’t seen you yet. That’s right, just like fine wine and George Clooney, Twilight keeps getting better with age. And with age comes wisdom… here’s what we’ve learned from Breaking Dawn
Things we learned from Breaking Dawn:
- If we hold hands in public it’s for two reasons: we are either 2nd hand embarrassed at all the Robsten fans squeeling at any kiss/hand hold/dadward/sex scene or we were genuinely scared or grossed out. Cause that happens in this. BD is NOT for the faint of heart.
- Forget Bella, Edward and Jacob the REAL love triangle of Breaking Dawn is Sue, Charlie and Billy. Cause for realzzzz yall something is going on with the parents. Breaking Dawn has something for every age… There’s still hope after 40!
- Becoming a vampire means instant boob job, shiny shiny Ashley Greene type hair and a permanent smoky eye. Oh and not to mention the blood red crazy eyes. You think someone will ask for this on Dr. 90210 next season?
- Twilight movies can be funny for the RIGHT reasons no longer are Bella and Edward going on a drug trip in the Pacific ocean or slow-mo forest running in Anne of Avonlea clothes, there are moments like the wedding toasts which make you LOL because it’s really funny or when BooBoo Stewart and Taylor Lautner have actual funny Big Brother/Little Brother interaction.
- Speaking of BooBoo Stewart, he had more lines in Breaking Dawn than Kellan has had in all the Twilight movies combined. And his name is BOOBOO. Time to get a new agent Kellan.
- The CGI team used to create the wolfpack earned overtime concealing Kristen’s buttcrack because her gorgeous dress was cut so low in the back. Who knew butt cleavage would be the new IT thing in wedding fashions? Thanks Carolina!
- Give Jackson ANY word it doesn’t matter he will throw that faux Texas accent on it and add the Elvis lip curl and make it into a one word stand up comedy routine. We’re still trying to figure out if this is an intentional choice by him or just dumb luck.
- Someone will ALWAYS get shafted and be wearing some sort of heinous wig on their head. Unfortunately, Peter Facinelli drew the short straw this time and to make matters worse, I’m pretty sure his hair line changed in every scene as if the bleached dead animal on his head was taking it last gasps of air before it gave in to it’s inevitable future: lying on top of Mike Dexter’s head.
- Taylor deserves an award for making the imprinting scene less creepy than we thought it would come off and thank you Bill for showing Renesmee as an adult so everyone else would get it and Chris Hansen could stop hiding in the movie theater broom closet and sit down and enjoy the movie like the rest of us.
- Wolves fighting with each other via mind reading is confusing and weird for people not in the know maybe they could have had a fist fight on First Beach or an angry G-chat session instead so I didn’t have to explain what was going on to the super confused couple next to me.
- Housekeepers in Brazil are super rude and stare a lot… especially when they think their employer is a blood sucking demon. However, the blood sucking demon offers great benefits and a 401k so they keep their mouths shut and keep bringing the eggs.
- Critics may pan you and haters may hate but ya know what? This ain’t for them. They don’t KNOW Bella and Edward like we do, they aren’t invested like we are. These movies are for us… and the boyfriends and unicorns we drag along with us.
- The heardboard scene still makes me laugh. HARD.
- You know what makes losing your virginity to a preternaturally strong vampire better? Losing it while a song fit for the contemporary service on a Sunday morning plays in the background! For reals though, best song and best scene. Sleeping at Last gets a big HALE YES from us.
- Speaking of Breaking Hymen, REALLY Bella losing your virginity to a 107 year old virgin was the best night of your life? Maybe the best 50 seconds of your life. Or maybe you’ve got your rose colored glasses on and are romanticizing it a bit.
We do have to say though: Stephenie, thank you (from the bottom of our easily 2nd hand embarassed hearts) for stepping in and not letting them make a Robsten Porno out of the honeymoon sex scenes. THANK YOU!!! It was just right, not too much and not too little… it was perfectly executed so consider us fade to sad-isfied!
Really we loved it… and can’t wait to see it again (and again… and probably again with 10 other people) and then we’ll do some more in depth reviews.
GO SEE BREAKING DAWN! NOW!
Moon & UC
PPS Go visit VH1’s Fablife to see yours truly featured as their Super Fans! And Comment!!!
So did you see it?! WHAT DID YOU THINK!? Favorite scene? Any laughable moments?
Tags: , Bella, Bill Condon, Breaking Dawn, Edward, Kristen Stewart, review, Robert Pattinson, Stephenie Meyer, summit, Taylor Lautner