Back to December and back to Swiftner, we break it down

Dear Swiftner (aka Taylors’ Swift and Lautner),

We miss you… a lot. We love each one of you… a lot. And now Taylor Swift has written a song about you Taylor Lautner and we want a reunion… here we are to break it down. DUH.

Have a listen here:
Taylor Swift – Back to December
[audio: http://letterstotwilight.com/music/BacktoDecember.mp3]

What could have been…… awwww…

The one where we go back to December, lit-trally
UC: okay let’s talk some Swift
Moon: yes, can i tell you my fave feature of itunes is “date added”… listening… omg my boss must think im crazy i have this blaring
UC: hahaha… youre trying to be “well rounded”
Moon: back to december allll the time. ok ok taylor im opening ltt’s dec 2009 archives… clearly taylor is an ltt fan cause dec is our anni month
UC: happy anniversary us!
Moon: awww the lautner family xmas letter. tay is sad she wont make it this yr
UC: i just saw that
Moon: oh we did a tay laut appreciate sunday in dec
UC: yeah… they were TOTES on in Dec. is that when it fell apart? Or was December a happy month?
Moon: OH right he was on SNL this month… dude what happened?! when were they seen out all those times with to go boxes? and his sports car
UC: i thought that was in the spring, but that must have been before… ohhh wait you wrote to the Taylors here and then we broke down swiftner like crazy robsten fans in OCTOBER of 2009, OCT 29 2009
Moon: awwwww memories
Moon: rainbows, unicorns… lisa frank folders
UC: it was perfection

The one where we think we know what happened

UC: and we know now, b/c of song and….. i’m now even MORE convinced this song is about them .. the timing was off in my head.i thought Swiftner was in the winter/early spring. but no… it was fall into CHristmas season
Moon: well when i was in planes, trains and hospitals last week i read like EVERY rag mag and she said it was about him pretty much
UC: and while I have to admit I’ve spent a long time listening to her new album over the past week, i think that this is how it went down: they met. They had so much fun. they liked each other. HE admitted the feelings were strong, and she did not. she hurt him. he left. she misses him, she’s sad, writes hit song. we break it down… and hopefully one day see her in concert ( I love Taylor) Because remember when that super secret source who is friends with Taylor told us they were NEVER really Swiftner and we were heart-broken? well, I still think that might be true…. and that Tay Lautner wanted to be Swiftner. HE wanted matching Lisa Frank trapper keepers & white baby kittens to hold together under a fuzzy pink blanket but something scared Taylor Swift off- I’m gonna go with Joe Jonas. And Ashley Greene- cuz she’s fun to blame even though they weren’t together then and Summit. Let’s blame Summit
Moon: hahaha, cause everyone loves to blame them for everything.
UC: Taylor Swift saw Robsten- and what happened with them- the rabid fans & the manips of their lovemaking in front of the fire (mostly from us) and didn’t want to BE Swiftner and broke Taylor’s heart
Moon: i think they were having a good ol time filming Valentines Day. they hung out, “dated” with chaperone’s (aka big daddy), vma nonsense with Kanye happened, things heated up, love declared on SNL, then BOOM johnmayer/joejonas/whoever called

The one where Taylor Swift is scared of the fireplace

Wait, is this a manip?!

UC: she says “Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind”
Moon: fear of the fireplace
UC: Fear = The Swiftner version of Robsten Fans making love videos
Moon: it’s alright to be scared the first time taylor
UC: Don’t fear the fireplace Taylor!
Moon: we’ll walk you through it
UC: haha we’ll make a step by step guide to rocking the fireplace, also rocking in front of the fireplace
Moon: taylor laut no doubt has his v card so it’ll be quick
UC: Yes- it’ll be his vcard disappearing that night.. yours will barely be touched.
.
The one where the Jersey Shore gets involved

Yup, totes DTF

UC: So let’s get back tko the lyrics though- as they tell a good story…….in December, of 2009, after they went out to celebrate LTTs 1 year anniversary…
Moon: Clearly.
UC: it sounds like Taylor gave her flowers….. probably got down on one knee and asked her to make Swiftner official. NO doubt he had breadsticks in hand to seal the deal and she said NO
UC: and dropped the flowers- or he did. ANd they wilted. Like their almost Swiftner relationship
Well, it says it right there- “SO good to me. SO right” I think she loves it. She sings “It turns out freedom aint nothin’ but missin’ you, wishin’ I’d realized what I had when you were mine” It sounds like Mr. Lautner was laying down the law… saying. enough of flirting with boys from Nashville.. I want you all to myself Taylor
Moon: dude TAYLOR LAUTNER get your people on the phone, charter a flight and get to wherever Swifty is because as The Situation and Pauly D say: TAYLOR SWIFT IS DTF!!!!!!!!!
UC: You’re right she was JUST DTF
Moon: she realizes she had it GOOD and john mayer is a toolbag and she wants his assssszzzzz back
UC: she sings about wanting Freedom- but “Freedom” meant getting screwed & felt up by a dude with backne (aka John Mayer). i don’t mean screwed like Effed, I mean screwed over and felt up after having to give him a massage over his backne.
Moon: screwed as in he stole her publishing rights on a song they cowrote. LICENSING NERD ALERT!!! john mayers no fool. he sees her #1 songs

Follow the cut to read the rest of our break down, to see who we blame and the bet we place
Continue…

117 Commented

Alas poor Swiftner!..We knew thee..NOT so well

Our silence on the topic of the fake-break-up-cuz-they-never-really-were “Swiftner”  has been hard for you. I know. We couldn’t quite put into words what we were feeling since we heard the news. So, we’ll let this fan letter be an offering of sincere sorrow for the ending of our favoritest fake relationship on the entire planet.

Dear Swiftner,

The ice cream and tissues are running out, “Ghost” is being watched and cried over and Streisand’s “The Way We Were” is on repeat. You came (That’s what she said but we don’t believe her cause you’re not legal), we sighed and then suddenly… it was over and no one cared cause some kid in a shoe shirt took pics with Robsten. Did you sigh in relief that the pressure was off? I mean, there were no wrist-holding pictures to squee over, we didn’t even have enough time to make manips of you in sexually suggestive poses or with your beautifully squinty-eyed children in a Lautner family portrait on Christmas day or even a simple slide show set to “Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. I, contrary to popular opinion, am shattered over your demise (Yes he’s back on the market but it’s not like he’ll be professing his love for ME anytime soon *snort* …as a BFF of course)

You’re keeping the true reason for the break-up under wraps (good on ya! Robsten has taught you well) but that means rumours are rife and so, I’d like to address them…cause then I can finally move on and refill my meds.

He wanted to get some protein in her…she didn’t

Apparently Big Daddy was messing up his plans to create the ULTIMATE TAYLOR WORKOUT video. There were gonna be leotards (for both of them…mmmmm), a featurette on the “perfect meat patty” and Swifty’s version of “Let’s get physical” as a DVD bonus that automatically unlocked itself after the 11th of February. Damn you Big Daddy for making junk food look as sexy as you! How could anyone resist?

penis

PENIS

PEEENNISS

i

am

like

It was all a media stunt

Pffft…yeah right…next thing you’ll be telling me that this was aaaall for some movie they’ve been doing…What? Swifty is HOW old? That can’t be right…That means she’s not in high school (wait..does Chris Hansen know about this?) So all these pics I’ve stuck on my sparkly, pink fur three ring binder…it’s all..*blink*…*bite lip*..fake? But all the angles…and the passion…NO ONE makes out that long for a movie right?

a

lame

14

yr

old

boy

!

There was no chemistry

Swifty are you serious? No chemistry? Weren’t you guys all over each other? Holding wrists…err..hands? …making out in taxi cabs?…taking individual pics with kids?…looking cozy at “makes-me-wanna-have-sex-faster-than-listening-to-Marvin Gaye” KOL concerts? NO? Oh right…That’s Robsten…You guys just looked adorably, squee-ably, teeth-hurtingly, un-touchy-feely cute. Does that mean we got it all wrong? Did we jump the gun faster than we would have jumped Rob behind a dumpster? Were you guys just (gasp! shock! horror!) BFF’s all along? Dun dun dunnnnnn….

i miss

swiftner

even

tho they never really existed

Kanye kept butting in …and he brought the Hansen as his wingman

Turns out Kanye wasn’t too pleased with boy Tay’s performance on SNL and squealed on them to Chris Hansen. Who did we see hiding in the backseat with a “Team Edward cause he’s legal” thermos of iced tea, waiting for them to park on “Lover’s Point” and make out to “Your body is a wonderland” ? Yup! You guessed it!…somehow having a 50 year old tapping you on the shoulder asking you to get off him and take a seat UP FRONT AND AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!! ruins a good night. Add Kanye telling you through the partially steamed up windows that Rizzo and Kenickie had the best make-out scene in a car (of ALL TIME!) and you know the relationship is doomed.

Enablers point fingers at some chick named “Illegal”

I love you guys but there are crazies on other sites claiming responsibility for this already. I just can’t steal their thunder…or their delusional fantasies. My therapist says I can take responsibility for only one celeb break up at a time and currently I’m embroiled in the Robsten saga…I own a kick-ass shoe shirt and I look deceptively 10 years old when I’m actually 23…

Sigh…I can let you go now…unless you’re planning to revisit the epic-ness after February *wink wink*. If it happens, I’ll be there at your next “date”. I’ll be the one holding the boom box over my head blasting Little Mermaid’s “Kiss the Girl” while wearing a pink, bedazzled, “Swiftner forevah!” shirt. Till then…ILY

Off to buy more ice cream and tissues,

Love,

Illegal

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Add Comments

The Twilight saga: Cast New Year's Resolutions

Dear people ready to celebrate a new year,

Do you do the New Year’s resolution thing? I usually do. Last year I resolved to drink only 2 diet cokes per week. I did pretty well. Well, except for April-October when I had a relapse and was drinking at least one per day. But now I’m back to my commitment to lay off the DC, and I usually only drink it if it’s available in a soda fountain. I’m still pondering my resolutions for 2010, but you can bet your bottom dollar meeting Big Daddy Lautner is on top of the list.

I got a chance to *talk* with a bunch of the cast/characters from the Twilight saga and I asked them what everyone is dying to know: What are your 2010 New Year’s Resolutions?

Michael Welch– I’m going to lay off the chips and try to lose that thing where it looks like I stuffed marshmallows in my cheeks. “Team Marshmallow” is cool and all, but I’m going for more of a Rob Pattinson-type chiseled face look in 2010.

Justin Chon– I plan to take Mike up on his offer for the  ‘bring a friend for free” coupon at the Tantopia

Buttcrack Santa– In 2010 I’m going to be looking for a girl a little bit older than my usual to share those little bottles with. Maybe someone 14 instead of 12. I’m also going to try to reinvent myself and show a little less crack. I like the ring of “”Armpit Hair Santa,” and I might try to bring the white-mesh wife beater back in style

Ashley Greene– Well, 2009 was successful with my naked picture scandal, so my 2010 resolution is to kick it up a notch with a sex tape leak. In part 2 of my resolution I hope that the scandal involves a B-list celebrity this time rather than some of the D & C-listers I’ve been known to f*ck

Kristen Stewart– This year I plan to have much better hair. I’d also like to prove all those critics who talk me up right by starring in a great movie that gets me a legitimate award nomination like that other Twilight actress…. what’s her name again?

Anna Kendrick–Anna Kendrick wasn’t available for comment as she’s busy being a real actress, but we caught up with her manager who told us:
In 2010 Anna plans to continue her reign as the only actor to come out of the Twilight saga worth her paycheck as an actress. She might possibly say “no” to filming Breaking Dawn and instead star in next year’s Oscar Best Picture winner. Rob Pattinson can sit behind her next year!

See the rest after the jump! Continue…

112 Commented

A healthy debate: Kristen Stewart's Acting

Throughout this letter I’m going to use something called sarcasm. Unfamiliar? Read this. Many people hate Kristen Stewart because they are sadface that she is (apparently) with Robert Pattinson. I am one of them. I cannot judge Kristen Stewart fairly without thinking of her with Robert Pattinson. She does a commercial for cat litter and surrounds herself with 18 little white kittens? I hate it because all I can think about is how she gets to do Rob Pattinson after she gets to play with all those adorable kittens. In Adventureland she does a sex scene with a douche-bag married to a Woody Allen darling? She is an automatic awful fake movie sexer because she’s having the real sex with Rob Pattinson. Remember, Read this if you have any questions.

Dear Twilosophy Debate Class 101,

Today we’re going to have a healthy debate. Any questions?

Why are you opening THIS can of worms when we have had peace on LTT for awhile and Robsteners/Nonsteners/Swiftners/Non-Swiftnerers (Wait a second- WHO could be a Non-Swiftnerer? Seriously? Have you seen these two? So freakin’ adorable) have been getting along?

Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and when I think of stuff I like to share it with the LTT community. Also KStew411 tweeted this amazing video and I really needed a reason to post it

The beginning

Kristen and I had a rocky beginning. First of all she kissed Adam Brody in In the Land of Women, and that’s when I knew I would hate her for eternity. Plus that movie sucked and that pains me to say because I heart Adam Brody something fierce. I remember being very underwhelmed by all the performances in that movie, not just Kristen’s.  I’ll have to break it out again to decide for sure what I think of her specifically, but I’d rather die than do that. So let’s just leave it at that.

Bitch! Seriously, I'll facepunch you so hard....

And then came Twilight. I walked away consumed with the desire to FACE PUNCH her except I didn’t know it was that desire since FACE PUNCH doesn’t get referenced until New Moon. “SHE gets to DO Rob Pattinson!?” I thought. (Except I didn’t think that since I didn’t think they were DOING it then since I was underwhelmed by their on-screen chemistry and knew nothing of the off screen rumors.) I was confused. I thought her casting was SPOT ON for the character of Bella. But her portrayal of Bella….? Well, it took me awhile to put it into words, but let’s just leave it at- I wasn’t so crazy about it. (Refer to the above video for many of the reasons why)

New Moon

I feared a Twilight repeat. I did. So much of that movie hinged on Kristen’s ability to make us believe in her pain. I came away from that midnight showing really happy with what I saw! I believed her! I felt her loss. I even shed a tear or two even though I knew that Edward would eventually come back and then they’d have some awesome make-out scenes complete with an EPIC Leg Hitch (Don’t do it and DIE, David Slade) and would eventually skinny-dip in the ocean after which they’d do it in probably the most talked about fade-to-black scene ever written, finally resulting in the birth of a half-human, half-vampire genius-child who would be imprinted upon by a werewolf. I cried even though I knew that would happen. (Actually, that’s probably why I cried. Couldn’t he just STAY and give her amazing birthday sex?) Also I didn’t cry until Lykke Li’s “Possibility” came on because I feel emotions through music. Plus, Kristen had my FAVORITE line in all of New Moon. Listen for it here in this clip, courtesy of Brookelockart’s pirated copy of the movie:

Click for awesomeness

So… why the sudden change of heart towards Kristen? Were my expectations SO low for the movie that surpassing them wasn’t that hard to do (That’s actually possible) Did she REALLY step it up a notch this movie? Was Chris Weitz a better director for her? Clearly I just forgot that she was banging Rob with his absence. Instead I thought about flowers, kittens and Swiftner. Or maybe Stewner- yes… that’s right! While watching the movie I invented, in my mind, a real relationship between Kristen & Taylor. She makes him homemade protein shakes while he improves his pectoral muscles. It’s a beautiful relationship. And an obvious one. How else would she know that Taylor carries around little baggies of meat patties? You know, I bet Kristen even bags Tay’s meat patties for him in NAME-BRAND baggies. She loves him that much. Best of all Rob is single & Taylor Swift writes an amazing break-up song that brings me to tears until the end when a wolf is mauled to death by a bear (because afterall, Kristen let us in on a little secret- “They’re Not Bears“) Continue…

269 Commented

(Un)Motivated by Twilight Round 2

Dear everyone who is so freakin’ glad it’s Friday,

I had an EPIC post planned for today. Seriously. You would have laughed till you cried, cried till you laughed and when you finally caught your breath, you would’ve told everyone you know that “UnintendedChoice is my hero- I wanna be like her when I grow up.” Yes. It was that good. But alas, yesterday (the day on which I planned to pen this EPIC post) I woke up with cramps, everything made me cry because of those cramps so I would run to the bathroom at work to have some alone time with my tears. And then in the middle of watching myself sob in the mirror, I’d start to laugh. Because I saw 2 colorful strings hanging outside of pants and trailing behind me. Yes. They were the decorative strings from the bathing suit bottoms I was wearing as underwear and walked around with hanging outside of my jeans for 1/2 the day. And after my laughter, I started to cry again because knowing I was wearing my bathing suit as underwear meant I had to spend my entire weekend doing 6 weeks worth of laundry.

Yeah, my week was like that over and over every day. So I knew the EPIC post would have to wait. So what do I talk about? Should I mention the hilarious tidbit of news 1,000 people emailed us about Buttcrack Santa? Nah. I’ll make you wait for that. How bout I swoon over Jashley’s new photoshoot where they’re kissing? Hmm. I’m gonna keep that for myself.  Did Kristen say anything recently to offend the lesbian community? Probably but… I need to laugh. You need to laugh. So I reached into my treasure chest and was motivated to post a second-round of Motivational Posters because they are just what this Friday needs!

Add Comments