Oh Big Daddy Lautner… what have you DONE?

Dear Big Daddy,

When I saw the headline:

“Taylor Lautner Dropped by Publicist Due to Demanding Dad” source

Don't look at me like that. What? WHAT?

I laughed. I cried with delight. I moaned “MOON WHY ARE YOU IN EUROPE” before e-mailing it to her knowing that I’d only be depressed after reading her auto-response again reminding me she’s out of the country.

WHY DOES STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPEN WHEN MY BLOGGING BFF IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY & UNABLE TO DISCUSS IT WITH ME?

That’s almost as bad as if Rob were to mention he read LTT “for laughs” along with Stephenie Meyer every morning on set & Moon wasn’t around to tell. ALMOST. (Moon did respond shortly after I emailed saying, “Big daddy’s a diva????!!!! I’m even more in love.”

But turns out I don’t have to say anything, because Michael K from Dlisted, once again, said it all: (make sure you read his entire post because this is just a sampling of the brilliance)

Taylor Lautner’s publicist is f*cking done with him professionally and it isn’t because of a gay scandal or anything like that. It’s because Taylor’s father is the second coming of Kit Culkin wrapped in White Oprah and incubated inside of an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Basically, Taylor’s father is the stage dad from the ninth circle of Hell and his (ex)publicist isn’t about to go to jail for double slapping a grown man’s basement chin.

Judging by that picture, Daddy Lautner looks like a for real twat wart who will huff at you when you take too long at the sundae bar at Sizzler. But he should still learn from the Kit Culkins and Jaid Barrymores before him…. Seriously. But Taylor’s publicist really should’ve seen this coming. Never trust a stage dad who looks like the pile of Chet from Weird Science.

(Click that last link & Die)

I’m sure Moon & I will have more to say, but for now I’ll say this: Big Daddy you were OURS. You were OUR bundle of laughs. You were ours ALONE to love. And now you’ve gone & done something to get you in the rest of the public eye!? How could you DO that to us!?

(oh & also how could you do that to your son!)

Always yours,
UnintendedChoice

Do you believe the rumor? Did you see this one coming? Next trip to the Olive Garden is gonna be A-W-K-W-A-R-D for the family! The kitchen better start preparing now- they’re gonna run out of breadsticks! I bet the Lautner boys will start to throw them at each other!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

46 Commented

It's a Twilight Father's Day

To all the Twilight daddy’s: Carlisle Cullen, Billy Black, Charlie, Harry Clearwater, Big-Daddy Lautner & Edward,

A big HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to the whole group of you from Moon & I.  We love you all so much, we couldn’t pick one fav to write to today so we’re writing to you all (just kidding, Big Daddy-Lautner, you know you’re our fav).  Actually your kids are writing to you because we have our own daddys to take care of (although ours aren’t as cool as a vampire, Native American, cop or McDonald’s spokesperson…)

Enjoy your day! Go on over to Harry’s and grill out with his famous fish fry!
<3, UC & Moon

Dear Carlisle,

Edward: Thank you for saving me from the Spanish Influenza & capturing my 17 year old perfection for eternity. Thank you for your encouragement to stay strong and not kill my beloved Bella &, of course, for the rockin’ sex tips. Although next time, I’d prefer it if you’d not get so detailed on how much Esme, my mother, likes to do that there.

Rosalie: Thank you, Carlisle, for changing my darling Emmett after he was attacked by that bear.  I’ll be honest I’m not crazy about how all that shit when down with Edward.  Why the hell didn’t you prep him first and convince him to love me? Also, I’ll deep down hate you forever for turning me into a vampire in the first place. Couldn’t you have let me die? F*ck y Oh yeah, this isn’t about me. Happy Father’s day Dad…

Emmett: Thanks for my smokin’ hot girl, Rose. And for that tip on how much mom likes that there- now Rose does too!

Alice & Jasper: (UC note: Uh, we couldn’t exactly find Alice & Jasper…. seems Jasper may have recently had a conversation with you, Carlisle? Something about something somewhere…..?)

Carlisle might be the reason we have Edward & so we’re the most grateful to him, but he’s not the only daddy! See all the other letters after the jump! Continue…

27 Commented

Taylor Lautner at a hockey game in 4 takes…

Dear Taylor-

I had a great weekend, saw some friends, went to some house parties, got a fathers day gift (don’t forget Big Daddy Lautner this Sunday!) and wondered what you were up to now that New Moon wrapped principle photography… and lucky me Just Jared found you at a Detroit Red Wings hockey game! I totally forgot you were from the North because who else watches hockey around here? You and Big Daddy Lautner (my other name for Poppa Filet o Fish) did not disappoint with your AMAZING facial expressions during that game that were all caught on film for folks like UC and I to enjoy… and enjoy them we did!

Taylor: OH DUDE DAD!! That cougar behind me just grabbed my balls in the hall and I liked it!!
Big Daddy: Isn’t that a Katy Perry song?
Taylor: Um Yea, something like that, I don’t know Dad but she pushed me into the guys bathroom and told me she’d “make me a man” for Rob’s phone number, can you believe it?! I was like get in line sister!
Big Daddy: Hmmmph… kids these days… freakin 6 pack abs and mystic tans are wasted on the youth… I wonder if they have a McDee’s in this arena. Taylor go get me a McFlurry!

Taylor: Daaaadd… I just remembered Selena broke up with me. I’m really sad… do you have a kleenex?
Big Daddy: Uh, I got this leftover napkin from Wendy’s, will that do?
Taylor: sniff… sniff… yeaaaa but who will I walk in the rain with now? What about the umbrella I bought? Who will I give chaste sweet hugs to on the sidewalk in front of the papparazzi?
Big Daddy: Consider it a blessing she dumped you now Son. She’s a Disney girl, it would have taken 2 years to get to first base and then it would have ended in sorrow after the inevitable dirty webcam pics surfaced. Do you want some cotton candy?

Follow the cut to see if Big Daddy tackles a Dippin Dots vender…
Continue…

Add Comments

Buttcrack Werewolf – 4 Letters in 1

Pics and stories at JustJaredJR and LaineyGossip

Letter One

Dear Taylor-

Besides lookin like a total pimp… I’m worried about you! If these girls are trying to make you the new partner in their fake lesbian relationship please RUN AWAY. Run far, far away. Next thing you know you’re going to be standing outside a liquor store with KStew while Nikki Reed is inside buying you guys booze and cigarettes.

Oh wait, that already happened. Way to be totally high school Nikki Reed, keepin’ it classy!

Then they’re gonna drag you back to the hotel and you’ll get lit off one Zima and end up playing 7 minutes in Heaven with Kellan while the girls laugh from outside the closet.

Trust me it’s a slippery slope, tell those bitches to keep themselves warm next time. You have Wolfgirl to think of now!

Don’t make me call your Dad!!

Love your matchmaker,
Themoonisdown

Letter Two

Dear NReed-

Seriously girl? Seriously?? Buying alcohol for two underage kids? Woooooow is all I have to say. Now this isn’t my first time to the rodeo but COME ON don’t be so freaking public about it. Do what normal people do: ORDER that shiz to your hotel room and charge it back to the studio.

DUH.
Themoonisdown

Letter Three

Dear Kristen-

Now, hun I’m sure you guys are trying to “bond” before shooting starts. Trying to get the whole Bella/Jacob chemistry thing going and I totes love ya for it cause I ain’t gonna lie it’s terribly cute… but can ya tell your BFF to stay home or go bug Robbie or something? This is starting to look like some weird codependent relationship.

Trying to like you, I really am!
Themoonisdown

PS where’s Oregano?

Letter Four

Dear Creepy Photographer who took this pic-

This is hilarious.

Please come to my house to show me more of these. Also bring the iced tea and Dateline crew!

Thanks!
Themoonisdown

PS who’s freaking PUMPED about the motorcycle scenes after seeing Taylor in those biking pics?? He’s TOTALLY Jacob!

Add Comments

One picture, two takes… Filet-o-Fish Edition

(*moon note- i found this pic and sent over to UC because we think this is taylor’s dad and we KNEW we had to hit it with a ‘one picture, two takes’*)

Take One – UnintendedChoice

Dear Taylor,

If this is the future you, I’m gonna have to re-think giving you my sister, Wolfgirl, to be your girlfriend.

Love,

UnintendedChoice

a

Take Two – Themoonisdown

Dear Taylor’s Dad –

I love that you eat McDonalds while Taylor is working out.

Bear hugs and Big Macs,
Themoonisdown

PS I <3 you taylors dad! seriously, you are my new love affair. don’t run!

Pic from the Gossip Girls. Check out the creepy bio pic of Taylor!

Add Comments