True Confession…Sometimes We Like To Pretend Twilight Is Like True Blood

Have I thanked you lately for all the letters you’ve sent so I could have a break while Moon is away (speaking of Moon- she leaves Switzerland where she is prancing around with the Von Trapps to fly HOME TODAY! Destination LAX around 8 Pm!). I’ve even taken a break from making my “I miss Moon” pictures. It’s okay. I’ll make up for it soon. I think. Today The Two Stacey’s entertain us (with a letter I confess I barely understand but know MANY of you will love!)

Dear Twilight,

East Coast Stacey: We, the two Staceys, were enchanted by you from the very first time Bella sighed, “Edward is like a Greek God.” Or something like that, because after the twentieth time you hear things like “carved out of marble”or about “human moments”, there’s a tendency to tune things out. (Hey Bella, couldn’t you just tell Edward you have to go to the bathroom? It isn’t like you have to say, “Dude, I need to pee.” ) Here’s the thing… you aren’t the only thing we love. You might have figured this out, since we KNOW Stephenie, your creator, is reading Talk Supe.
West Coast Stacey/SWD: Dream on, EC.
EC: Fine. Probably not. But I CAN pretend. Since I am pretending, she’s reading for the love of that Ian Somerhalder. (Don’t we all, girl, don’t we all.) Getting back on topic, we have a deep affection for other vampire books and films/television programs. Actually, only the romantic ones, since we only like our vampires pretty and swoony.
West Coast Stacey/SWD: Can we even compare adult HBO content to PG YA? That’s like comparing STARZ Spartacus with X-Men. Apples. Oranges. Me thinks.

Who wins in this fang off?

EC: That is why we need to tell you that sometimes, most likely after watching True Blood late at night, we like to re imagine you as a True Blood/Sookie Stackhouse Book Series. We don’t imagine sticking a family of hillbilly inbred werepanthers in Forks, but instead…
SWD: Oh I do!
EC: Of course you do. Maybe it’s only me that doesn’t imagine werepanthers trying to get all frisky with Jacob and the wolf boy or putting Pam (she’s a vampire that makes James look like a choirboy) in charge of the Cullen Family Christmas. Instead, we can’t help thinking what if Twilight was written for a more MATURE audience. And yes, I know there’s FanFiction for that, but hear us out! Here are the reasons why…

Disclaimer: You might not know who some of these people are if you don’t watch True Blood. We will be happy to help, just ask! We are like Carlisle, helping school Bella about vampire life. Only without Carlisle’s disturbing love of jaunty scarves.

We Are Adults and Independent Women:

Vamp Bait

EC: I love a teen romance as much as the next thirty something female. Those flicks/books that bring back memories of first kisses and stolen looks across the quad are terrific. However, unlike the young girls reading Twilight, I know what happens beyond that point. Is it all posies, kittens and rainbows? No way! I need real angst and a tough Bella to dish it out. Sure Ed left her in New Moon, but to go into a depressed spiral and tune out for several months is extreme. Not to mention throw herself over a darn cliff! Seriously? Girl needs her head examined. That’s why I imagine Bella taking on some Sookie qualities. Sookie has PLENTY of faults, but she’s mostly a spitfire. Bill lied to her and she let him have it. Does Sookie wallow in pity? A little bit, but she has many other suitors ready to pop in his place. Variety is the spice of life. And no, Jacob and his raging testosterone do not count in my head. To have a great romantic wolf/vampire triangle you need an Alcide type, not a Jacob. I bet Alcide would look smashing in a pair of jorts. Just sayin’.
SWD: Sookie’s a twenty-something telepathic bar maid. You don’t serve Pete’s Wicked Ale to drunk werewolves without picking up some life skills.

Love…Big Girl Style:

Sookie's Suitors vs. Bella's Boyfriends

EC: Edward. I just typed his name and I can hear the collective swooning of at least ½ of the LTT readers and a chorus of moaning over at LTR. (Well as long as Edward is being played by the sweet Mr.Pattinson. If you even mentioned another cute actor playing a vampire, there just might be a mutiny. Note to self: nix the Somerhalder/Pattinson comparison letter.) Unfortunately ladies, the only lusty bloke in Twilight is a hormonal teenager with abnormal hair growth. That’s right, leader of the wolf pack, Jacob.
Where does that leave Edward? Blocking the advances of poor pent up Bella at every turn! Maybe, that’s what’s wrong with her self-esteem. Real nice, Edward
SWD: Admittedly, I was over Edward in New Moon. Not necessarily Team Jacob, but def not Team Emo Vamp.
EC: This is where the example of True Blood (or even Vampire Diaries) comes into play. Would Eric leave Sookie in a lurch? Would Jason (Sookie’s hot brother. Who by the way is A LOT like Xavier Samuel (Riley), so you should love him!) stop loving the female population of Bon Temps? No way! That’s why I like to play out that scene in the Isle of Esme, so differently in my head. Yes, there’s FanFiction for that too. But that’s way too rough for this girl! Actually, after watching this week’s True Blood episode with Eric…and Sookie… in the forest… I know now that Bella’s and Edward’s meadow could have been used for much more than trying to figure out what the clouds look like and how pretty the flowers smell.
SWD: Outside lovin? No way, the sparkle peen needs sheets. To quote Jack Dawson, Edward’s “more of an indoor girl…”

Sookie’s House of Style:

Sam's shirts are always a perfect choice

EC: Nevermind. They are both pretty terrible. (I’ll make an exception for the wardrobe for movie, Twilight. Rob looked pretty nice in that peacoat. )
The wolf pack could just set up shop in Louisiana and get job’s working on the road crew. Actually, book Edward’s sleeveless white button down would be a perfect addition to the nightlife at Merlotte’s Bar and Grill. However, the beige sweater and khaki’s might get him beat up or a date with Lafayette.
SWD: Lafayette wouldn’t go for the khaki’s but he does appreciate the sparkle.
EC: You know what would be great…a Sam’s Shirt. Edward could rock that! Let’s hope my daydreams keep him out of book Eric’s mesh tank tops and pink lycra. It makes me shudder just thinking about it.

EC: What about the ladies? We have book worm Bella and slutty Sookie, as our heroines. I like to re imagine a nice in between, which is following the example of how the ladies in Vampire Diaries dress.
SWD: Actually, I’m liking Sookie’s mini-hoodies and sexy, girl jorts this season.
EC: True! A nice fashion compromise of comfort and style for the girls of BonTemps! The ladies from Forks need this too! Alice needs to get on that! Except her clothes are dated too! What to do, what to do… Sam’s shirts: Ladies edition. If you have to button down, make it a cute fitted one!

It’s All About Your Friends!

Would Bella wear her own hoodie?

EC: Friends make the world go around and Bella doesn’t have many. Friends that one would help out in a jam or let them confide inner most feelings.
SWD: … help you bury a dead hooker in Vegas, those types of friends.
EC: Not whine, like Bella does, when they want to help her get pretty for her man. (Poor Alice).
SWD: Note to Bella, when someone offers you a makeover, take it, it means you need it. Haven’t you seen Tyra’s “Ambush Makeover” shows?
EC: I do have a feeling that Bella might push Angela under a bus, if Edward needed her to. That’s just a shame. Then again, Twilight reflects Bella’s world…which means all Edward with a healthy dollop of Jacob thrown in. We really don’t get to know fully about the other characters. That’s where the imagination comes in.

The supporting characters can flesh out a story like nothing else. There are so many great starts to the other cast, but sometimes you need a funny character to bring it all together. Twilight needs a Lafayette or a Jason! Sure we have Emmett, but the poor guy has almost no backstory and he needs some more dirty jokes. Add in whole chapters just for Garrett to add screen time for Lee Pace and fantasy time for his female fans. Also in True Blood you get more interaction between characters that aren’t related to the main couples. I need more Alice and Jasper! There little interaction in Eclipse wasn’t enough! Does Rosalie EVEN like Emmett? I need to see them in another light! Does Esme do anything else, but fret about her “children” and decorate the house for the millionth time? I would love Esme to try and have coffee with Renee. As Renee is trying to sell Esme Avon… Tupperware… Maybe the ever useful Pampered Chef. It’s the house ware choice for the vampire mom who has literally everything.
SWD: I see Renee as more of a MARK peddler.
EC: Just like Ashley! I bet now that she’s living with Kellan, she likes to make him look pretty with her free samples!

Washing Blood Out of Sippy Cups is Not Fun

EC: Last time I checked, vampires are, for all intents and purposes, dead. Handsome, but dead. For this reason, I pretend that Bella’s pregnancy never happened. Do you see a little baby crawling around Bill Compton’s mansion and playing with his Civil War memorabilia? No. One accidental dropping of a Compton family heirloom and that poor baby is in T.R.O.U.B.L.E! It would even be worse with Jasper in the house. Can you imagine, I have no idea, getting a boo boo on her knee? Jasper couldn’t handle a tiny paper cut! Of course, demon baby drinks blood. That’s so gross. Ignore that…it WOULD work if Twilight was True Blood! Bring on the gore!
SWD: vampires don’t sire teacup humans. It’s in the vamp bi- laws.

Sometimes it’s Fun to be Scared

Full length man-wolf demin of Jacob Jorts??

EC: True Blood is creepy. It’s creepy to the point that I put a pillow over my head to hide from the ickiness. But if I am reading or watching something about vampires I want to be able to hide my head and cuddle up to my loved one. I do swoon over the love affair of Edward and Bella, but sometimes I wish there more of a reason to be afraid for them. Sometimes, I need more than chick lit starring sparkly vampires. There were plenty of opportunities to bring in the fear, but it always stopped a little short. I wanted to peek through my fingers and see at least one character be torn to shreds. Not shatter into pieces like if I dropped a dish. Is Esme going to clean up the carnage from an epic battle with a dust buster? I thought you were supposed to burn them?

That’s why I reimagine a more fitting death for the bad guys…I actually I don’t. It’s too gross and I can’t cover my eyes when it’s all playing out in my head. #wimp

When Breaking Dawn comes to the theaters, we know that we have to remember that it’s going to be PG-13. That the young’uns are going to get there first glimpse of headboard and feathers, which will lead to their mothers having a lot of explaining to do.
SWD: Yeah, explaining disappointment.
EC: Explanations that will occur only after their mothers finish their squealing over Edward’s muscular back and the moonlight swim.

Thank goodness for a summer of True Blood (and Vampire Diaries in the fall) to give us our adult fix and some fun ideas for a Twilight that could have been.

-EC Stacey and WC Stacey (SWD)

Read more from The Two Stacey’s at Talk Supe

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