My newfound respect for Bella

You know when you have a conversation with a friend, then you tell her to slow down or repeat what she said and while she’s speaking you take out a notebook and jot down the conversation so you can remember it for a blog post later? Or when a friend is telling you a completely unrelated story about something random and you interrupt her to tell her- YOU SHOULD TURN THAT INTO A BLOG POST FOR ME? Yeah… that’s become my life. That’s how Twilight Follows ME everywhere I go. So when I got an email from Alice_NaA about an experience she had the other day, I quickly took the opportunity to have her turn it into content for ME. I’m cool like that!

Dear Edward,

I just had my first ever laser hair removal session this morning. It BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNSSSSS (and not in the ‘Ring of Fire’ kinda way). Like seriously. I nearly fainted afterward. No joke. I had to lie down for 5 minutes. It was really REALLY painful. (Dermatologists call it “uncomfortable”. Dermatologists also lie.) And then I started thinking:

This is just a fragment of how it must feel when you are being transformed into a vampire (the fact that I’m thinking about twilight, while my hair roots are being burned is normal). I understood that it must be a really painful experience.

“The pain was bewildering…It felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time…like grabbing the wrong end of a curling iron…the fire blazed hotter” Bella, Breaking Dawn.

But truthfully, even with Stephenie Meyers uber-clear metaphors, I still didn’t really get it. Maybe that’s because I just happen to be the one person who has never been sewn in half or trampled by bulls. But I DID got pro-wave laser, and I TOTALLY get it now. Holy crap! She must have suffered SO badly. For me it was merely the first or whatever layer of epidermis, for a whole five minutes tops. I can only imagine what it must be like to have this pain for three whole days, EVERYWHERE. And just like that, I have gained a lot more respect for Bella.

For starters, the mere fact that she endured it. Although once you’re in that stage, there is kinda no way back, but still. She made sure chapter 19 was still an interesting read.

“Downstairs, someone was watching a ball game. The mariners were winning by two runs.”

Had that been me, chapter 19 would have been:

“IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSS.KILL ME.NOW! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN EDWARD!”

Secondly, she even didn’t get a nice pre-burning stage ceremony (aka sexytimes with you. on a rug. in front of the flickering flames of an open fireplace.), but had to witness a lot of bickering over the little monster that was slowly killing her from within her own womb. I at least had a yummy breakfast, a relaxing drive singing along with Talking Heads, thinking I was just gonna feel a little “uncomfortable”. (Dear doctors, the scale of comfort has a WIDE range. All the way from an afternoon nap in a sleep number bed with the Edward man pillow, to watching Big Daddy eat a burger after his annual one-day diet. BE MORE SPECIFIC.)

But most importantly, she let you believe she didn’t suffer any pain.

“I kept my face smooth and nodded and thanked my rarely lucky stars that Edward could not read my mind…I knew the numbness of the medicine was completely irrelevant while the venom seared through my veins. But there’d been no way I was going to mention that fact.”

I would have ripped your little lying ass to pieces the moment I woke up. All this CRAP about you not wanting her to lose her soul, while you mentioned the pain and burning sensation maybe once or twice.  I could only imagine a ‘stepping into a too hot bath’-burning feeling and I’m pretty sure that was what Bella was expecting too- Not that it REALLY BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSS. DUDE. Should have treated Bella to a laser hair removal session to convince her to stay human. It would have worked. Trust.

Love,
Alice_NaA

First it’s been WAY too long since Edward got a letter, so thanks for remedying that, Alice! And secondly, how has Twilight crept into YOUR life lately?

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