The New York Post focuses on the important things in their articles about Twilight Fan Fiction

Hey Girl (whatcha’ doin’…?) You’re gonna wanna catch up on the controversy of the Twi Fan fiction being published for real and then read this New York Post article before starting this Part 1 of 3 written by a few anonymous fans:

NYP- we could've told you how hot Twi Fan Fiction makes women YEARS ago #oldnews

Dear New York Post,

So I was emailed this article today. You know the one, don’t act coy. You probably think this is about the metric crap-ton of TMI you made us all wade through to get to anything relevant, and granted, sure I now know way too much about random strangers’ sex lives, and thanks for that, really, because everyone knows you can’t possibly promote explore a work of erotic fiction without stressing again and again and again and again how absolutely horny your subjects are.

No, that wasn’t gratuitous at all.

It’s just that I’m a little confused how a journalist is capable of asking women how horny a book has made them, and capable of hearing about it at length, and capable of actually publishing it, and yet said journalist somehow has a difficult time finding out that said work of fiction originated as a fanwork.

Especially when such upstanding journalists have information such as this at their disposal:

In the fall of 2009, she was just another “obsessed” “Twilight” devotee posting BDSM-themed fan fiction online.

Well, to be fair, that’s maybe not much to go on. You have an author, E.L. James, who used to be involved in fanfiction. It’s not like you could just put that into Google and—

 Oh.

Yeah so, it probably would have been kind of smart to inform your readers that those books they’re shelling out ridiculous amounts of money for is actually the former Twilight fanfiction “Master of the Universe” and can be found online anywhere, anytime, as a pretty exact carbon copy (except the characters’ names). You could have mentioned that all this “success” should really be credited to Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight fanbase, seeing as, without us, this novel would have never been published in the first place.

But no. Apparently, this is not relevant information to your reader, and I get that, I do.

Who on earth would want to read about the exploration of any of the following topics relevant to this story?

• FanFiction and the Vanity-Publishing Industry
• Ethics and Literature
• IP Copyright Laws and How to Completely Ignore Their Existence
• Offensive Misrepresentations of BDSM Lifestyles
• Stephenie Meyer Pays Your Bills
• How the Internet Exposes Plagiarism
• One time E.L. James Kind of Wrote a Novel and Three Times She Didn’t Actually Bother

You know what we really want to read about!

• How BDSM makes women like super horny and stuff.

Excellent choice there. The only thing that made this article even more empowering to the very audience you were attempting to target was:

He’s not the only man looking to capitalize on the trilogy.

“A guy friend of mine said he wanted to form a business looking for girls who have ‘just finished the book, before they cool off,’ ” says Brod. 

So… that happened. And thanks for publishing for this, especially, as we all know by now that any journalistic exploration of Twilight and girls and girls liking Twilight and girls enjoying sex or any kink at all, just isn’t complete without a couple creepy dudes being quoted as stressing their desire to capitalize on it in the skeeviest fashion imaginable.

Instead of tackling a very controversial and significant topic, you chose to emphasize women’s sexuality, and you didn’t even do that right? I wish I were more surprised, but frankly terrible journalists made females lose faith in media long before Snow E. Queen L. Icy James Dragon discovered the secret to becoming a real writer:

Step 1. Write Edward and Bella having a lot of bad sex.
Step 2. Wait until it gets popular in the Twilight community.
Step 3. ???
Step 4. Profit!

The only thing worse than seeing the media fawn over what a complete success story this truthfully badly written series has become, is that you completely fail to mention the source of the popularity, and maybe in  some cases, completely sweep it under the rug. This series isn’t successful because E.L. James is an amazing writer; I think this has been established, even in your coverage. And, news flash: it isn’t even successful because it’s got a lot of sex and offensive misrepresentations of kink.

Let’s not shit ourselves here.

This series is successful because it was introduced to an existing, flourishing audience under the false pretense of a peer to peer relationship with a community devoted to Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, and Edward and Bella—definitely not because E.L. James wrote something so magnificent that all us sex-starved women can’t help ourselves.

To be continued….
Fandom Anonymous

Oh so what do YOU think?

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A little help for the Newbies

We received the following from LTT friend TheVenom the other day:

Dear LTT,

In light of the recent scandal that has erupted due to confusion over the Sheila post (people are throwing chairs, offering free but questionable psychoanalysis services (i.e. “losers off yourselves!”) etc.), I thought it might be funny/helpful/lame to write a fake newbie personality quiz to minimize confusion for new folks and help them maybe but probably not blend in a little more easily.

Disclaimer: I am not an authority on this subject. This is based on my own newbie observations, which could be totally wrong of course, and on the fact I actually read the FAQs first. I’m a dork that way.

The first (and only) question is:

1. Would you describe yourself as a…. (choose one)

a. Weird, Twi-hard commenter over at E-online
b. Celebrity stalker “loser”
c. Bully
d. Just a person who likes to read funny shit
e. Other:______________

Results:
If you answered….

a. Caution: You may not like it here very much & it’s possible you will seem weird and mean. You also may not get the jokes. You will probably freak out because of this and needlessly judge others. People will notice. It will be funny. You will not think so.

b. You may claim to have insider knowledge about gossip that debunks fun, innocent speculation but nobody will buy it, because these are seasoned pros. Your math skills will be questioned. Fake T-shirts will be created in your honor. (they’re fake right?) You might seem a little crazy and people might bag on you in a super nice way. Lurkers will laugh at this! (Also see results for a)

c. You might need help. Cyber bullying is a real issue these days. Nip it in the bud. Go take a free iTunes class in psychology since you’re so serious about shit and smarter than everyone else. Or just pay the money for therapy. Come back when you’re feeling better. They might let you. There is hope.

d. You’re normal, probably, but that will always be subjective because you are here. You will have thumbs ups and downs. Sometimes you will feel like an ass, but at least you have a sense of humor so you won’t care either way. You’ll like it here.

e. Other- Results vary based on expert opinions of Moon, UC and non-newbies. Lurk awhile and you’ll figure out who they are. They are to be revered. Give them a chance before the hate, and you’ll laugh so hard you’ll pee a little, which is totally a good thing. Try it!

I loved this start to the “Newbie Quiz” from TheVenom & have a few to add:

2. Have you heard of “Sarcasm?”

a. Yes- but it confuses me
b. No
c. Yes. I’m a fan
d. Yes & I’m a frequent user

If you answered:

a. Then we’re REALLY gonna confuse you
b. You’re going to hate it here
c. Welcome
d. You’re our people. Submit us a letter of your own!

3. Do you take the teenage love story about Vampires who sparkle in the sunlight & can impregnante their wives so seriously that you’ll hate on anyone who might criticize, poke fun of it or its fans? 

a. Yes
b. I don’t know anyone like that
c. No- I make fun of it all the time, yet I love it so much. Is this normal?

If you answered:

a. You’re gonna hate it here
b. Welcome to LTT. We ARE those people
c. That’s Normal. So normal. You’re home now hunny. You can relax

4. Do you think famous people who get paid millions of dollars to be in the public eye should never have their personal lives discussed?

a. No
b. Yes
c. Just don’t criticize (insert name of person you love)

If you answered:

a. LTTs gonna feel like home
b. You’re gonna hate it here
c. (Name of person you love) probably hates (insert name of of someone hated by person you love) and we’ll definitely discuss that, so you’ll be happy. But then the next day we’ll probably discuss (name of person you love) and piss you off for a minute. Sorry.

5. Finish the sentence: It’s more fun to:

a. Speculate or fantasize about what MIGHT actually be (or never EVER be, depending on the day)
b. Only discuss truth & facts

If you answered:

a. How does creating a “Character” for your favorite Twilight actor sound along with a favorite restaurant, girlfriend (we could even write a song for the two of them) and altogether “new” (but, let’s be honest, pretty accurate) personality sound? Good? You’ll like it hre!
b. You’re gonna hate it here.

6. When you leave a comment to hurt someone, you’d expect the response to be:

a. Something mean back, perferably to be called a bad word for a female body part
b. The responder to try to start a debate or argument
c. Something confusing (is that sarcasm?) that sounds like it agrees with you but also maybe doesn’t? And maybe makes fun of your spelling.
d. Total and complete agreement

If you answered:

a. This could happen on LTT, if you’re offended another newbie
b. This might happen at LTT, although it’s hard to debate with an LTTer who has been around for awhile
c. This is likely the response of a seasoned LTTer, or, if you’re lucky, UC or Moon decided to join the “there’s a newbie who doesn’t get it gone crazy in the comments” fun for a few minutes that day.
d. This means you got one of your friends to comment too! Look at you!

So newbies, how did you do? Does it seem like LTT is going to be a place to call home? Or did you end up with mostly “You’re gonna hate it heres?” Sound off in the comments & old LTTers (Can I call you Old LTT Hags?) what did I miss!?

Love,

UnintendedChoice

Did you remember we have FAQs? I forgot & re-read them last night (and even added a few new lines) HILARIOUS. All that crap STILL makes me laugh. Read the LTT FAQs now!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Oh it’s here: The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 – aka the longest movie title ever- DVD release

Make sure you get the "Special Edition" cuz I hear there's a Robsten Sex Tape in the extras

Dear Twilight,

In celebration of the Breaking Dawn Part 1 DVD release tonight I thought we’d do something we haven’t done since New Moon or Twilight. (Sorry Eclipse, we forgot you) A Twilight Drinking Game.

Yes, it’s that time again. Time to stand in line outside in the freezing cold at the Target at midnight, waiting, not for a 72″ TV on sale for $29.99, but for a DVD that you could just get at 9 am the next morning (because there is no way Target is gonna run out of DVDs.) It’s time to gather your Twi-girlfriends together, kick the kids & the men out of the house, grab the special Twilight cups you keep just for this occasion (Red Solo Cups. (“I fill you up.”)) and make those snacks you call “Twilight Bites” that are really just an excuse to make double fudge chocolate brownies. It’s that one night a year you can let your girlfriends into that room you have permanently decorated as the Cullen’s House but let them think you hired a decorator just for the DVD party. You can take your Life-sized Jacob & Edward cardboard cut outs into the living space of your home instead of where they are safely packed away (on the floor on your side of the bed.. shhh don’t tell the mister) And yes, you can play “pin the (insert whatever you want) on Edward’s (insert preferred PG, PG-13 or R rated body part)”

But it wouldn’t be a Twilight party without a drinking game to go along with the DVD. So I give you:

Letters to Twilight’s The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 Drinking Game

First

– Take a drink if you can say the proper title to the latest Twilight movie without stumbling.

Now Start the Movie
– Take a drink every time you wish Charlie was your dad
– Take a drink when you erase that first thought & wish you could get it on with Charlie

– Take a drink every time you get that gooey feeling inside when Edward is on screen & you want to scream or shriek like you’re in the theater at midnight
– Do a shot with every toast at the wedding. Double shot when Anna Kendrick speaks
– Do a shot every time you hear a song from an earlier film
– With every inappropriate smile that Bella gives Jake, drink!

– Drink every time something makes you think of LTT (so basically every Robsten scene)
– During the Edward & Bella scenes (so basically the whole movie) drink whenever you think of a Robsten joke you or someone on LTT once made. Double fist if it’s about the bear-skin rug
– Drink if you find yourself humming “Breathe me”
– Take a BIG gulp the minute you realize you’re watching the scene where Jumping Rob was birthed
– Drink every time you miss Buttcrack Santa
– Every time you think, “Oh They practiced that!” Drink!

– Do a shot every time you get feel icky about imprinting
– As Rosalie gets scarier as the film progresses, drink. Extra points if you sing the song Nikki Reed’s husband sang at the end of American Idol (wait, did he win AI?)

-Close your eyes, hold your ears and CHUG the bottle when Bella’s back breaks, she goes down & gets torn apart. You won’t survive that scene sober
-Drink every time you want to cry because it’s so emotional & beautiful & Bella & Edward are having much better sex than you are. Or because the saga is almost over. (By now you should be drinking out of the bottle because you’re crying so hard because we’ve gotten you so drunk up to this point)

Think of Me

-Do a shot in Chris Hansen’s honor the EXACT minute Jacob imprints
– Drink if you or someone in your group says “WHERE IS THE CHRISTINA PERRY SONG?”
– BONUS Throw a drink in the face of whoever says “I KNEW it would end like this”

Yay!! Now you’re good & drunk! Eat more brownies! Make out with Cardboard cut out Edward! Make Cardboard Jacob kiss Cardboard Edward! Write some Robsten Fan Fic! Whatever!! You’re having Fun!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Wanna Reminisce? Twilight Drinking Game & New Moon Drinking Game

So who is excited? Are you going to one of the Target midnight release parties? I’ll be away from Philly visiting my sister in Pittsburgh so I doubt I’ll make it to one, but I’ll be thinking of you all. Please tweet me the amazing things you see at your release party!   Oh Yeah- HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAYLOR LAUTNER (Tomorrow) You were MUCH more fun when you were underage and/or seen out at Olive Garden more often.

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Friday Funnies

Oh hey! A friendly reminder. Hate auto-playing ads? Hit the “volume” button to mute them once & for all! You’re welcome xx

Dear Twilight,

I was doing a little new years cleaning in our email inbox, hoping there was something interesting to share and, well, there was! In fact a few things. I never know how to categorize the random things that we receive that deserve to be shared but aren’t really “enough” to demand an entire blog post. But today it came to me: Friday Funnies. Yep, it’s JUST like Monday Fridays, except on Friday. Brilliant, right?

First up, a note (one of many we received this holiday season!) for Stephenie Meyer. Important to note, it’s from a girl:

Its the most buitful time of the year

Lights fill the streets spreading so much cheer

I should be playing in the winter snow

But I’mma be under the mistletoe

-Justin Bieber

Someone wants to be a fake lesbian with Stephenie (someone ELSE, I mean)

Sister Penguin shared this hilarious Facebook mocking with us:

Remember when THIS was a thing:

Dear Stephenie,
I’ve totally forgotten about Midnight Sun. You could release it today and I wouldn’t care. Probably wouldn’t read it anyway. So over it. I never google it anymore to see if it’s been released and somehow I missed it. I’ve given up. My google finally broke anyway. So now would be the perfect time for it not to be written.

Sincerely,
Not going to read it so please don’t bother

P.S. Please don’t be offended. It just wasn’t meant to be.

“Twilight Artist” painted the stuff in the Cullen House

And sadly (for us. happy for him) it’s not 2nd-hand embarrassing. My real life artist friend sent me something that the “Twilight” artist, Gregory King, emailed:

I have had an unusual thing come my way recently that I’m excited to share with you. Many of you may know already, but several paintings of mine were recently rented by the company behind “Twilight”, the crazy worldwide hit film saga, to be used as set decoration in their “Cullen House” location (where the vampire family lives). Yep, pretty wild. Set decorator David Schlesinger contacted me in late 2010 about it, and I worked with him to select nine pieces in total, which were hung throughout the house.

And lastly, because my Christmas Tree is still up (looking sad & dry) and I just can’t say good-bye to the Holidays yet, Reasons Edward Cullen is like Santa

This is an OLDIE (From 2009) but goodie that was sent to us this Holiday season by LTT friend Bethany. Don’t miss the entire thing, but here are my favorite reasons why Edward Cullen is like Santa Claus:

4.) They both like deer.

11.) Or any one of the eleventy thousand Twilight Moms in North America, any number of whom, you just know, have Edward stockings hung by the chimney with care, right next to the cookies for Santa, who, did I mention? Sneaks into houses at night.

And I know I KNOW! There’s going to be a Twilight  MUSICAL.  Do you know how badly I wish I wasn’t going to be in Orlando (I could stop right there..) and missing the showing? We are still working on the perfect way to share our feelings about this new musical

Happy Funny Friday!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What are you doing New Years Eve this weekend? (Speaking of NYE- are you ‘shipping Zooey & “Joe” as much as I am?)

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114 Commented

A few things that have made me laugh about Twilight

Hear ads? Yeah, we do too. They will stop annoying you if you take 2 seconds to MUTE them by hitting the volume button- two ads on the side (or directly below this post) and one all the way at the bottom! We hear this trick works to mute politicians too!

Dear Twilight,

With the hubbub of Breaking Dawn dying down, I’ve finally had a moment to collect my thoughts & sort through my emails &  my bookmarks & share a few funnies I came across over the past few weeks that maybe you missed. Yes two of these are videos & I knowwwww you can’t always watch videos if you’re at one of those job-things, but SAVE THEM for later. Seriously- especially this first one. You DON’T want to miss it.

First up from The Onion:

Older Hispanic Men Line Up Excitedly For ‘Breaking Dawn’ Premiere

I mean really… can that BE any funnier?? (Said in my best Ross Geller voice)

Then there was:

And okay that gets a little ridiculous at the end (Cause apparently to me T.W.A.Ds isn’t ridiculous in & of itself. That’s Normal) but come on! That’s funny!

And lastly, the hilarous blogger, The Bloggess, LEGITIMATELY donned a wolf costume for her Breaking Dawn midnight showing:

And wrote ALL about the experience: It’s like a hoodie but with fangs. Read it NOW!

Short & sweet today, but GUESS WHAT? There will be content tomorrow AND Friday on LTT! Whoo hoo! Why are we posting on a THURSDAY, you ask? Well, maybe it’s a very special day tomorrow December 8th. I bet you’ll never guess what!

Talk to you soon! And by “talk” I mean, I talk and you write amazing comments about my amazing talking & occasionally mix in a hateful comment*

xo,
UnintendedChoice

*I’m in an ODD mood tonight, if you can’t tell!

Thanks to Bea for sending me TWO of the 3 things I posted today! XO

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