How to Deflower A Twilight Virgin
We’re less than 2 weeks away from the release of New Moon. Are your plans set or are you like one of the many people who have emailed us saying they have NO Twi-lovin’ friends and therefore are attending the midnight showing alone? Unacceptable! We enlisted the help of LTT friend HeyyyBrother to instruct us HOW to take away the Twi-virginity of your friends and family. Follow her instructions and you’ll have someone to split a $7.00 diet coke in two Thursday nights!
Dear Twilight-Lovin’ Floozies,
(I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, promise…)
Between LTT/LTR, Twitter, and my overactive imagination, I spend so much time immersed in all things Twi that I sometimes forget that there are people out there who are still Twilight virgins. My very best friend was one of them. Even in the midst of early New Moon mania, she remained blissfully unaware of all things Twilight. The kind of unaware where you could say “Edward Cullen” to her and she’d ask if that was a friend or coworker. She had never even gotten to first base with Twilight.
She watched my downward spiral into addiction from afar, not really understanding what I was getting myself into. Thankfully she’s the most understanding and open-minded person I know, so when I finally revealed to her the depths of my obsession, she simply laughed and supported me, never judging me for being what could be considered the Twilight equivalent of a nymphomaniac… a Twilomaniac, if you will. Pretty amazing, right? It was then that I saw the potential in her; the potential to recruit her to the dark side. I dropped hints that she should read the books, but she’d never been much of a reader. I realized that was a lost cause and shifted gears to the movie. Better that than nothing, right?
It’s our job as seasoned Twilomaniac hussies to find new conquests, but there’s a lot of responsibility that goes along with being the person to take one’s Twilight v-card… It’s not something you should ever take lightly. In the event that any of you find yourself in a similar situation, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips.
Are We Both Ready? Things to consider before it’s too late.
- Keep your obsession in check. Your friend will never be interested in getting intimate with Twilight if all you do is talk about Twilight. Your best bet is to mention it every now and then, just throwing a little teaser out there – something to let her know about the swooning she’s missing out on. Let her know that you feel strongly about the series, but it might be best to hide your extensive collection of Twi-porn that may or may not be limited to binders full of FanFic, Team Edward/Jacob/Switzerland garb, action figures, etc. Definitely hide your New Moon Advent Calendar and/or Countdown Chain made of construction paper. You don’t want to scare her off before you’ve even had the opportunity to pop it in. The DVD, I mean…
- Make sure it’s 100% consensual. The day my friend told me she was ready to watch Twilight was a joyous occasion. You don’t want to force this on them. If she’s not ready, she may very well end up hating the entire experience. No regrets!
- They should be of appropriate age. There’s some pretty mature content and material involved here. Don’t make me call Chris Hanson on you… I’ve already got him on speed dial since your borderline inappropriate crush on innocent little Taylor, coupled with your recent plans for a road trip to Georgia, have me more than a little concerned.
- Understand the risks. If everything goes well, your friend could be surrendering her life over to the obsession just like you did. She can say goodbye to her free time and her productivity at work. But if it doesn’t go well, your chance to recruit a new convert is over. Remember: there’s no going back.
Don’t forget protection (and more) after the jump! Continue…
Tags: , Arrested Development fans, dry humping, edward cullen, fan letter, HeyyyBrother, LTT, Mike Newton, New Moon, New Moon the Movie, Nikki Reed, Renesmee, Taylor Lautner, Twilight, Twilight Virginity, twilight virgins, virginity, virgins