A little help for the Newbies

We received the following from LTT friend TheVenom the other day:

Dear LTT,

In light of the recent scandal that has erupted due to confusion over the Sheila post (people are throwing chairs, offering free but questionable psychoanalysis services (i.e. “losers off yourselves!”) etc.), I thought it might be funny/helpful/lame to write a fake newbie personality quiz to minimize confusion for new folks and help them maybe but probably not blend in a little more easily.

Disclaimer: I am not an authority on this subject. This is based on my own newbie observations, which could be totally wrong of course, and on the fact I actually read the FAQs first. I’m a dork that way.

The first (and only) question is:

1. Would you describe yourself as a…. (choose one)

a. Weird, Twi-hard commenter over at E-online
b. Celebrity stalker “loser”
c. Bully
d. Just a person who likes to read funny shit
e. Other:______________

Results:
If you answered….

a. Caution: You may not like it here very much & it’s possible you will seem weird and mean. You also may not get the jokes. You will probably freak out because of this and needlessly judge others. People will notice. It will be funny. You will not think so.

b. You may claim to have insider knowledge about gossip that debunks fun, innocent speculation but nobody will buy it, because these are seasoned pros. Your math skills will be questioned. Fake T-shirts will be created in your honor. (they’re fake right?) You might seem a little crazy and people might bag on you in a super nice way. Lurkers will laugh at this! (Also see results for a)

c. You might need help. Cyber bullying is a real issue these days. Nip it in the bud. Go take a free iTunes class in psychology since you’re so serious about shit and smarter than everyone else. Or just pay the money for therapy. Come back when you’re feeling better. They might let you. There is hope.

d. You’re normal, probably, but that will always be subjective because you are here. You will have thumbs ups and downs. Sometimes you will feel like an ass, but at least you have a sense of humor so you won’t care either way. You’ll like it here.

e. Other- Results vary based on expert opinions of Moon, UC and non-newbies. Lurk awhile and you’ll figure out who they are. They are to be revered. Give them a chance before the hate, and you’ll laugh so hard you’ll pee a little, which is totally a good thing. Try it!

I loved this start to the “Newbie Quiz” from TheVenom & have a few to add:

2. Have you heard of “Sarcasm?”

a. Yes- but it confuses me
b. No
c. Yes. I’m a fan
d. Yes & I’m a frequent user

If you answered:

a. Then we’re REALLY gonna confuse you
b. You’re going to hate it here
c. Welcome
d. You’re our people. Submit us a letter of your own!

3. Do you take the teenage love story about Vampires who sparkle in the sunlight & can impregnante their wives so seriously that you’ll hate on anyone who might criticize, poke fun of it or its fans? 

a. Yes
b. I don’t know anyone like that
c. No- I make fun of it all the time, yet I love it so much. Is this normal?

If you answered:

a. You’re gonna hate it here
b. Welcome to LTT. We ARE those people
c. That’s Normal. So normal. You’re home now hunny. You can relax

4. Do you think famous people who get paid millions of dollars to be in the public eye should never have their personal lives discussed?

a. No
b. Yes
c. Just don’t criticize (insert name of person you love)

If you answered:

a. LTTs gonna feel like home
b. You’re gonna hate it here
c. (Name of person you love) probably hates (insert name of of someone hated by person you love) and we’ll definitely discuss that, so you’ll be happy. But then the next day we’ll probably discuss (name of person you love) and piss you off for a minute. Sorry.

5. Finish the sentence: It’s more fun to:

a. Speculate or fantasize about what MIGHT actually be (or never EVER be, depending on the day)
b. Only discuss truth & facts

If you answered:

a. How does creating a “Character” for your favorite Twilight actor sound along with a favorite restaurant, girlfriend (we could even write a song for the two of them) and altogether “new” (but, let’s be honest, pretty accurate) personality sound? Good? You’ll like it hre!
b. You’re gonna hate it here.

6. When you leave a comment to hurt someone, you’d expect the response to be:

a. Something mean back, perferably to be called a bad word for a female body part
b. The responder to try to start a debate or argument
c. Something confusing (is that sarcasm?) that sounds like it agrees with you but also maybe doesn’t? And maybe makes fun of your spelling.
d. Total and complete agreement

If you answered:

a. This could happen on LTT, if you’re offended another newbie
b. This might happen at LTT, although it’s hard to debate with an LTTer who has been around for awhile
c. This is likely the response of a seasoned LTTer, or, if you’re lucky, UC or Moon decided to join the “there’s a newbie who doesn’t get it gone crazy in the comments” fun for a few minutes that day.
d. This means you got one of your friends to comment too! Look at you!

So newbies, how did you do? Does it seem like LTT is going to be a place to call home? Or did you end up with mostly “You’re gonna hate it heres?” Sound off in the comments & old LTTers (Can I call you Old LTT Hags?) what did I miss!?

Love,

UnintendedChoice

Did you remember we have FAQs? I forgot & re-read them last night (and even added a few new lines) HILARIOUS. All that crap STILL makes me laugh. Read the LTT FAQs now!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

112 Commented

Are there any 2011 Newbies?

THIS is kinda a big deal....

Dear Twilight,

Last week it came up in conversation with some new friends that I run a Twilight blog. I bashfully said “Yes it’s true.. I write a blog about that vampire love story” and my friend quickly jumped in to say “But, UC, tell them all about it- Tell them how it’s kind of a big deal & how you met the author and everything” And I bashfully said “Yes.. Yes.. I met the author… I’m kinda a big deal” (Just kidding) So I was answering questions about what we do here at LTT & the new friend (a male) was really interested. Like a little too interested for a 33 year old father of 4, and it just reminded me of a year or so ago when that very conversation was more prevalent. At this point most people know about LTT (even though I’ve still never made LTT public in my life. No matter how many times my grandmother asks what the blog address is..) so it’s been awhile since I’ve had to explain WHAT it is we do here and WHY.

That got me thinking: What happens to the people who are just discovering Twilight now? Remember when you first found LTT, how RELIEVED you were that you weren’t alone in loving the story, despite it’s many, hilarious flaws? Can you imagine FINALLY giving in after hearing about Twilight for all these years, obsessing like crazy as everyone does over the books and then watching the 3 movies before slipping into a deep “it’s over” depression? What do they do next? Where do they begin? They’d probably Google Rob Pattinson like most of us did, and after watching 10 videos straight… then what? Text the friend who begged them to read the saga all these years and say:

OMG! There is this video where Kristen picks something out of Rob’s teeth and he goes “Yummy!” Do you think they’re together? It seems like it- I have to confess I watched this hour-long video of the behind the scenes filming of some photo-shoot. You HAVE to check it out!

Um, old news… like 2008 old news! How lonely must it be for new Twilight lovers- the newbies of 2011!!

See you at Youth Group Sunday?

Imagine the day when they come across old Twilight archives on some entertainment website & read that Kellan Lutz calls “A Purpose Driven Life” one of his favorite books. Who is there to laugh along with them when they put two and two together & figure out Kellan’s just a good ol’ boy from the youth group?

And imagine the disappointment of a Twilight newbie who finds out Kristen & Nikki are bff’s forever & then starts to come across pictures where the two girls are no longer together- or worse they’re in the same picture but on opposite sides! Or Nikki’s bitchface is showing. Did their fake lesbian-ship fall apart? Who/What/When/Where did that happen? Can you imagine trying to figure out what went wrong THERE 2 years after the fact (Newbies the short answer is: Nikki f*cked Rob, Rob f*cked Kristen, Nikki married some American Idol dude)

Who is there for the 2011 newbie when they cry after discovering 100 Monkeys? I can imagine it now: One night there’s some heavy research being done on Jackson because “he’s pretty cute.” Blah blah blah “he was on The OC.” Blah blah blah “he was a she-male on Criminal Minds.” Blah blah- “Music!? Nice! I love a guy with a guitar…” Pushes play on the music player. “AHHH What IS this? Why is blood pouring out of my ears? Why do I suddenly want all monkeys to die? Make it stop!” Ugh- how horrible to go through that alone!

Buttcrack Santa with an old friend I forgot about TEQUILA TOMAS!

And can you IMAGINE falling in love with the Buttcrack Santa story-line alone!? I mean we’ve known him for so long. We wrote him his very first letter almost a 2 1/2 years ago! He’s such a part of our “normal” life (as much as an old dude with his buttcrack showing is normal.) These days we barely even think about him (sorry Waylon! We’ll get on that. I do miss you). Or what about the day the newbie comes across a picture of Taylor and his dad & Laughs out LOUD at the picture- there’s this fit, young jacked guy & well, Big Daddy. Who has a lot of ‘lovin’ to go around if you know what I mean!

I can’t imagine what it’s like for 2011 newbies. Maybe there aren’t any- or at least any as dedicated as us. I’m not trying to say we’re better- I don’t think that for one second- I’m not a “old school Twilighter” by any means since I discovered the books a week before Breaking Dawn was released (thank GOD! I can’t imagine waiting!) I just mean- are we so dedicated because we’ve had awhile with the saga? We’ve come to love these things slowly- first the books, then the movies. Then we loved the characters of the movies- then the actors & finally their random family & friend connections…. Has all this time & “experiences” we’ve had with the story/characters/actors & players shaped our love? Or are there dedicated fans still jumping on board even these days….. all alone out there, wondering how to belong!?

I hope new people find Twilight. And then I hope they find LTT so we can let them in on our secret: That’s Normal. Yes, all of it. (Well, most of it. Or maybe like three quarters of it. Or maybe just the parts of it that we agree are normal. How’s that?)

Still Normal, even after all these years,
UnintendedChoice

Do you think people are still finding Twilight in 2011 & loving it with this deep obsessive affection? What other things/people/storylines would be hard to fall in love with on your own!? PS: I miss Tequila Tomas

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

65 Commented

Everyone eventually reads Twilight, right?

Dear Twilight,

There are people out there in all of our lives who look at us strangely when they hear we stayed up for 3 days straight getting through a book about a vampire & werewolf love triangle, or that we’re going to a midnight release of a movie in costume, that we met friends online or laugh hysterically every time we pass by an Olive Garden. Not only do they look at us strangely, but they judge us. And while it’s nice to say, “They just don’t know what they’re missing out on,” I think if we were all honest we’d admit it pisses us off. How DARE they judge something they #1 don’t know anything about and #2 has been so important in each one of our lives? And furthermore, when you RUN a Twilight blog and get a chance to SIT DOWN with the Twilight creator and you STILL judge me, well, maybe that bug you found in your lunchtime salad wasn’t the grocery stores fault after all…. (okay no, I didn’t do that, but I considered it!)

So after almost 2 years of obsessing & blogging and while most people in my life have either succumbed to the pressure of my constant begging to join the obsession or judge me incessantly and have a restraining order against me, it is so nice when someone in my life finally DOES jump on board! And instead of spending my days writing anonymous hate letters to those who judge my, I can spend my days reminiscing about losing my own Twilight virginity along with my newly obsessing friend? My sister Snails was that recent person in my life.

Snails (I really call her that, by the way) knew I loved the saga. She knew our two other sisters read & loved it. She knew I ran a semi-famous Twilight blog & got to meet the author. Yet she still had no desire to crack open the book. It wasn’t until we found out the Step-Monster from Hell (aka dad’s now EX-Fiancee) was coming along with us on family vacation that she decided she needed a distraction.

A few days later, she responded to my “Hello!???? THOUGHTS????” email with this:

i haven’t actually started new moon… i will tonight. It keeps reminding me of Avatar. I think of it whenever edward and company are running in the forest, how they can run really fast, and bella on his back feeling like she’s not even moving, and how graceful they are, that always reminds me of the pandorians (?)…. and sometimes i would catch myself picturing the cullens with tails and the wide-brimmed nose. haaa. i kept having to remind myself that they look like humans. and also the fact that the vampires have such a good sense of smell and good hunters reminded me of avatar. i don’t remember a whole lot about the movie, but i do remember how graceful the pandorians were. I guess since the Cullens aren’t human, and they do so many unhuman things, my brain can’t really wrap around it, so I picture it in 3D like Avatar. So that brings me to my next question, are the movies in 3D??? Because they should be!

And I asked the most important question: “Do you LOVE Edward!?”

Yes, I love Edward minus the tail and big nose. He’s soooo dreamy. But I still love my husband. Although sometimes I got annoyed at edwards mood swings… Especially in the beginning of the book when he stared at Bella with black eyes… I hated him then, but now he’s cool. He made up for it by being awesome.

A few days later, it was obvious she was full-force into New Moon because of this text:

“Hubby & I are snuggling in bed. He is cold. I am warm. He is Edward and I am Jacob. Jacob & Edward are spooning!! Ha! He didn’t like that joke…”

Think they'll take on Leah as a Sister Wife?

And then a few days later, randomly out of nowhere:

“I can’t choose! Team Edward or Jacob? Edward or Jacob!? I actually want them all to live in a plural marriage. That’s the best option. I hope that’s how it ends. I just let the boy I nanny for sleep in so I could read a few more chapters.”

Sigh.. remember that? Neglecting little children to read more about Edward (and imagine being in a plural marriage with him & Jacob? Oh wait.. that might just be Sister Snails.)

And when it was all over, I received a text I shall cherish for all eternity:

“You were right. I loved them”

Ahh…. the best words to hear! Makes dealing with those who judge me almost worth it.

After the jump, read another story of a friend getting her retribution Continue…

144 Commented

Oh Twilight Virgins.. How I’ve missed thee..

Dear Twilight sluts,

I had a conversation recently with an old pal who is a TWILIGHT VIRGIN!!! It’s been so long since I popped MY cherry & popped the cherries of everyone close to me that it was refreshing to talk with a virgin again. And SHE brought it up! We got started by talking about our weekend plans & I mentioned I would be asking a question to a vampire at the moviefone event…

So many questions

Perdy: So ur going to talk to Edward and Jacob and the girl too?

UC: hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha…oh i love Twilight virgins…which you are!!

Perdy: Ps I think I would be on team Jacob because I can’t deny the goodness of him without a shirt

UC: no- they won’t be there- they don’t do events like this.. it’s another vampire & a wolf

Perdy: And my brother in law’s name is Jacob so I have to consider that too

UC: haha… If you read the books, you’d be Team Edward!! Some end up Team Jacob.. but… not most!

Perdy: Like will Dakota Fanning be there? I like her a lot.

UC: Um not she WON’T be there either!

Perdy: No no I’m pretty sure its Team Jacob I’m on. But I maybe will read the books. Maybe I’m different teams on the book and movie. And there is no doubt I’m a TV “Twilight Virgin” I’ve only seen the first two movies, once each….And sometimes I have to ask my husband questions during the movie and he gets annoyed

UC: What questions do you have?

Perdy: Oh gosh. I don’t even remember….. Probably stupid questions like – vampires can’t live in the light, right?

UC: Twilight vamps can- except they SPARKLE- like diamonds

Perdy: And “I thought the vampires and werewolf’s killed each other?”. “Are the vampires and wolves friends?”And “why don’t the werewolves like vampires”

UC: no- the wolves EXIST to kill vampires

Perdy: And “why does she have those attacks”

UC: they only turn into wolves when vampires are around! What attacks? Ohh!? You mean in new moon? Haha! (Her sleep number bed was on the wrong number!) No- She loved Edward! And he left!

Perdy: And “why doesn’t he want to bite her”

UC: Edward? He does Her blood is like a drug to him. Wow. I’m SO lame.

Perdy: See I told you they were dumb questions – this is why my hubby gets annoyed

UC: And I just quoted twilight. They’re not lame questions. They’re great!

Perdy: “Why isn’t her father more involved in her life” “Where is her mother?”

UC: Florida- married to Phil. And Charlie loves her- but he’s been alone all this time., and he just really loves to fish

Perdy: “Why can’t she make more friends at school”

UC: in the book she’s SUPER popular- it’s weird. because she wasn’t popular in AZ. but she’s a loner, like Charlie.

Perdy: And praytell – “Why does she not use a tanning bed” She would look worlds better. And Edward….buddy….make a decision….love her or leave her because you are driving me nuts when you say you leaving and come back around – what a friggin tease! No wonder the girl is confused

UC: I know. That’s a big issue. HOWEVER.. It’s important .. for where they go in Eclipse (next movie) and the last book. He needs to leave her to know how much he loves her . and how he’ll never ever leave her again

Perdy: And for Jacob…”does it hurt to become a wolf?”

UC: No- he just feels out of control. Do you know why he’se always shirtless?

Perdy: And really – how big are the wolves because sometimes they look like huge monsters and sometimes just oversized dogs?

UC: They’re huge- like 6 ft tall- remember, They’re NOT bears

Perdy: If I had that body I’d be shirtless all the time too….

UC: Well, it’s because when they turn into wolves- their clothes break. SO.. they wear a little cord around their ankle where they tie their jorts so that they don’t rip their pants. And then they just don’t wear shirts. PLUS they are 110 degrees. So they’re hot

Perdy: I thought something like if he gets too hot he turns into a wolf or something

UC: No he’s just usually 108-110 degrees. OMG I’m a loser (and also AWESOME for knowing all this!)

Perdy: Yes if I’m ever on who wants to be a millionaire I got the “wolf temperature” question in the bag now!

More, after the jump! Continue…

176 Commented

How to Deflower A Twilight Virgin

We’re less than 2 weeks away from the release of New Moon. Are your plans set or are you like one of the many people who have emailed us saying they have NO Twi-lovin’ friends and therefore are attending the midnight showing alone? Unacceptable! We enlisted the help of LTT friend HeyyyBrother to instruct us HOW to take away the Twi-virginity of your friends and family. Follow her instructions and you’ll have someone to split a $7.00 diet coke in two Thursday nights!

Edward Cullen: Virgin

Dear Twilight-Lovin’ Floozies,

(I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, promise…)

Between LTT/LTR, Twitter, and my overactive imagination, I spend so much time immersed in all things Twi that I sometimes forget that there are people out there who are still Twilight virgins.  My very best friend was one of them.  Even in the midst of early New Moon mania, she remained blissfully unaware of all things Twilight.  The kind of unaware where you could say “Edward Cullen” to her and she’d ask if that was a friend or coworker.  She had never even gotten to first base with Twilight.

She watched my downward spiral into addiction from afar, not really understanding what I was getting myself into.  Thankfully she’s the most understanding and open-minded person I know, so when I finally revealed to her the depths of my obsession, she simply laughed and supported me, never judging me for being what could be considered the Twilight equivalent of a nymphomaniac… a Twilomaniac, if you will. Pretty amazing, right?  It was then that I saw the potential in her; the potential to recruit her to the dark side.  I dropped hints that she should read the books, but she’d never been much of a reader.  I realized that was a lost cause and shifted gears to the movie.  Better that than nothing, right?

It’s our job as seasoned Twilomaniac hussies to find new conquests, but there’s a lot of responsibility that goes along with being the person to take one’s Twilight v-card…  It’s not something you should ever take lightly.  In the event that any of you find yourself in a similar situation, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips.

Taylor Lautner: Virgin (But only because Chris Hansen scares away anyone willing to take away his v-card)

Are We Both Ready?  Things to consider before it’s too late.

• Keep your obsession in check. Your friend will never be interested in getting intimate with Twilight if all you do is talk about Twilight.  Your best bet is to mention it every now and then, just throwing a little teaser out there – something to let her know about the swooning she’s missing out on.  Let her know that you feel strongly about the series, but it might be best to hide your extensive collection of Twi-porn that may or may not be limited to binders full of FanFic, Team Edward/Jacob/Switzerland garb, action figures, etc.  Definitely hide your New Moon Advent Calendar and/or Countdown Chain made of construction paper.  You don’t want to scare her off before you’ve even had the opportunity to pop it in.  The DVD, I mean…
• Make sure it’s 100% consensual.  The day my friend told me she was ready to watch Twilight was a joyous occasion.  You don’t want to force this on them.  If she’s not ready, she may very well end up hating the entire experience.  No regrets!
• They should be of appropriate age.  There’s some pretty mature content and material involved here.  Don’t make me call Chris Hanson on you… I’ve already got him on speed dial since your borderline inappropriate crush on innocent little Taylor, coupled with your recent plans for a road trip to Georgia, have me more than a little concerned.
• Understand the risks.  If everything goes well, your friend could be surrendering her life over to the obsession just like you did.  She can say goodbye to her free time and her productivity at work. But if it doesn’t go well, your chance to recruit a new convert is over.  Remember: there’s no going back.

Don’t forget protection (and more) after the jump! Continue…

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