Breaking Down the new Vamps from the teaser trailer

Dear LTT-ers,

By now we’ve all watched the Breaking Dawn Pt 2 teaser trailer like 30942390424 times and we have like 2309483094234 theories as to how it’s all going to play out. BUT in the mean time UC and I decided to break down the latest crop of vampires from what we could see of them in the trailers.

Moon: Let’s take a peek at some of these new vampires in action as seen on these screencaps at the Lex.

UC: This image, It’s Either Justin Chon mid-orgasm OR that guy from Twilight at the restaurant who says something about cats and sex
UC: money. sex. money cat
Moon: its one of justin chon‘s daily toilet pics from instagram (if you’re not following JC (just made that up) on instragram, DON’T start now, this is a real thing)
UC: hahahhahaha

Moon: this i like CANT EVEN

they took a HOT dude ……..

UC: and turned him into a PORN star
Moon: No, they turned him into a homeless Nickleback fan
Moon: thats probably an Ed Hardy tank top under there
Moon: the man jewelry, the eye liner. he’s like a frying pan and a yellow douchey lamborghini away from being Guy Fieri
Moon: whatever middle aged mom from the wardrobe dept was put in charge of him and this look should be shot and buried under an Oakley’s store in the mall
UC: he for SURE found every dive bar in vancouver
Moon: Also look, Jerry is in the background
Hi Jerry!

UC: and that albino!
Moon: and that other dude we met who had the bad cell phone camera (According to HIM at dinner Tues. night but that’s a whole other post)!
Moon: they should have premiere swag bags with phones in them. for that guy and toni trucks (beep) alone.
UC: Speaking of Guyliner….. This is the son from 7th heaven right? Just in goth wear:

Moon: thats the prospector/mountain man version of Michael Sheen/Aro. That’s his disguise for spying on BellER and Edward
Moon: It says Joe Anderson as Allistair. I wonder if he has a better cell phone camera…
UC: Ohhhh Joe Anderson. OF coURse. how could I NOT realize
Moon: IMDB tells me he was in a lot of good movies and that he is another semi hot dude made to look like a crazy person
UC: oh WOW
Moon: he’s also like my age
UC: you’re right. pretty attractive made to look UNattractive… b/c apparently that’s what we do to vamps these days
Moon: and allistair looks about 50 and grizzled in that pic

Moon:  OH hey it’s that Rascal Flatts guy
UC: oh yhea– in the far left… look like he’s about to break into a song about the small working class town of Forks. A power ballad
ohhhh oohhhhh oooooo
UC:  you googled them too for lyrics, right?  🙂
Moon: hahahaha oh yea… totally googled them… didn’t know those at all.  😉

Moon: FINALLY some rami malek up in this piece!
UC: oh finalllyyyy
Moon: using the force to stop that waterfall
UC: even though I was fairly confident that was Jacob at first look but dangggg…. he’s like Moses up in this piece
UC: oh you already said up in this piece
Moon: HAHAAH. Yes, it’s getting very gangsta in here. The Malek brings it out in us.

Ok, so we know we Tweeted about our super secret meeting but as you probably saw on the twitters UC and I were invited to an Edit Bay visit with Bill Condon along with some of the other Twilight sites/blogs. We can’t tell you much YET about it but it involved watching two clips, a little q&a about Breaking Dawn Pt 2 and maybe  a little trophy with a lamb on top. We’ll have more from that soon. AKA whenever we won’t be sued over talking about it.

Love ya like Garrett loves Ed Hardy, Jeigermeister and a bleach blond,
Moon & UC

Thanks to the Lexicon for letting us jack these screenshots from them.

SOOOOOOO whatdddya think of the new vampires. Will you be able to watch without thinking of country music or 7th Heaven or Canadian rockers now? Yea, we didn’t think so!

42 Commented

Questions about Twilight

Questions about Twilight: We still have them. We love to ask them, and today TeamJacobEdward has some good questions!

Dear Twilight,

Well, it’s been more than two years now since I was a Twilight Virgin. Don’t worry! I’m very happy with you still Twilight, you still do it for me. I haven’t tired of you yet, and thanks to “Twilight 101” posted the other day, I now have a urge to read you all over again (for the bajillionth time). But the thing is, I still have questions about about you and I thought that maybe I should start asking you the questions instead of just wondering about them.


I remember in Eclipse when Jasper shows Bella all his bite marks that he’d said, “the venom is the only thing that leaves a scar.”

So does that mean that ALL scars are wiped away? (So like with Bella, is she only left with scars from the bite from James and the bites Edward did to transform her?) Does venom work like the magic eraser that is photo touch-up, but on the live subject as the venom seeps through scorching the skin from simple scars to ragged ones? Does the venom erase away all the wicked stretch marks Bella had to have been the recipient of growing baby Nessie in record time? Does it remove all scars obtained throughout your life, so you no longer have “that scar from the time you decided to try riding your bike ‘no handed?'” Does that mean when Carlisle stitched up Bella from having Renesmee ripped out of her, she’d have no “c-section” scar (or possibly tummy tuck scar getting rid of all that extra skin)?

Forever as you are… including hair?

Like, what would this dude look like as a vamp?

I understood it as your hair is the length it is at the time of transformation… forever. So if say a person happened to be sporting a mullet coif at the time of transformation they’d kind of be stuck with that. Or can vampire hair be cut? So at least you could lop off the “party in the back.” In my mind, it would seem that since vampires are virtually indestructible, so would be their hair… I envision a scissors looking all bent and twisted after encountering a try at cutting vampire hair even if it is soft and pliable and hair-like.

Which also brings to mind leg and armpit hair. What if you were between shaves or waxings? We all know Bella wasn’t bending over to shave those legs while her midsection was growing by epic proportions. Did Alice shave her legs and armpits (and bikini line) while she was lying on that table getting scorched by the venom before it was too late? Or would Bella (Edward) stuck with those sharp little leg pricklies for eternity if Alice wasn’t so on top of all those details because a razor would twist and crumple trying to shave vampire body hair?

What about dyed hair? These days, more women than not generally have SOME color added to their hair (look at me, a natural blonde, who’d just went dark brunette simply because I was bored with blonde the other night). Does that mean if you happened to be transformed with a bad hair dye job, or you were in desperate need to re-touch your roots but hadn’t made it in to the salon, that you would FOREVER be stuck with unsightly roots or a horrible dye job? Or can vampire hair be dyed?


Why IS it that animal blood, which is EVERY BIT as red as human blood turn vampire eyes golden versus red? Is there a certain chemical that is present or absent in animal blood that differs from human and that’s what colors the eyes? Does it have to do with DNA and Chromosomal pairs? Or was it just one of those things, “just because” so you could tell the “good” vampires from the “bad” vampires, and I should just drop it?

Beautiful People

Like what would becoming a vampire do here?

Vampire venom is said to make one inhumanly beautiful. So, does that mean that it sucks in loose skin (for instance all that extra loose skin that Bella’d acquired from being a host Nessie)? Does it make a double-chin a single? Would it nip and tuck and lift things to make them look “new” again? How far does it go? Straightens crooked noses? Straightens and whitens teeth? Strengthens weak chins? Reduces body parts that are too big? Enhances body parts that are too small? (I’m talking both women and men here… ahem) Does it lift, even-out, straighten out, shrink/grow….

Who needs “The Swan” when there’s vampire venom, right? No more beer gut, no more wonder bras, just a few days of burning at the stake and voila!

Artificial Body Parts

The last set of questions brings me to this group. What if someone who was transformed had some sort of foreign object in their body. Say a metal plate, screws, tooth fillings, breast implants… what would the venom do with that foreign matter? Would it just reject the material and spit it out during the process, so you see random objects being ejected from the person in transformation and then proceed to properly “heal” that item? Say a person had a total knee replacement… what would the venom do with that? I’m guessing the comical spitting out of foreign object from the body isn’t the answer, so would the venom turn the objects into vampire, or eat it up? My money is on “eating it up” but that leaves the question as to what the venom does with that space, does it grow a whole new knee? What about breast implants? Would the venom turn the implant into rock-hard vampire, or would it eat it up? If it eats up the implant, then what? does the venom replace it with vampirized created breast tissue or is the poor vampire stuck with shriveled up kumquats for all eternity?


like... what's it like down below?

Okay, I know everyone who’s read the books has probably wondered this (whether they will admit it or not), so I’m going to bring it up. It has been brought up on LTT before. What about guys? How does that work? Does it work similarly like human men, with blood? And I of course don’t mean their own blood because vampires don’t have any any longer. But the way it seems to me, when vampires drink blood, it doesn’t go to their stomachs like a human, it infiltrates through their entire being (right or no?)…. so does that mean boy vamps use the blood they’ve sucked off prey to make “it” work? And therefore, if said vampire hasn’t fed… does that mean he doesn’t get sexy time because he doesn’t have the blood in his system to make it work?

Okay Twilight, that was a lot, so I’ll leave it at that for today. But know that my mind is constantly turning and posing questions, so I have a feeling I’ll be back with more.

Thank you for the last couple years, Twilight. I look forward to many more with you even if/when all my questions about you are answered.


Every time I have a question about Twilight, someone reading knows the answer. Mostly because I’m a bad fan and haven’t read everything Stephenie has said about the Saga. Fan Fail. So….. does anyone know an answer to the questions TeamJacobEdward and now I have!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

199 Commented

Twilight 101: Twilight (the book)

Dear Twilight,

I get a lot of people whom I refer to as “civilians” ask me what you are. “What’s this Twilight thing about?” they say.  Seems like a simple enough question, right? But I’d say it’s isn’t so simple. How do you even begin to explain the intricacies and the idiosyncrasies and the “holy crow’s?” With this new series I aim to explain Twilight to beginners and give your fans an easier way to share their love of all things sparkly vampires and the humans they love.

And with that I get you the first installment in Twilight 101: Twilight (the book)

Dear Twilight Newbie-

You may know this as that book with the apple on the cover that made grown women go crazy, your wife disappear for hours on end, your internet bill surge and teens declare sides in the Team Edward vs Team Jacob war that will play out over the following 3 books and subsequent films. Or you may know it as that mega Times best seller than spawned major block buster movies. Or you may know it as that book with the sprarkly vampires. But what’s this book REALLY about? I’m here to share…

Bella, the stumbling accident-prone mousey girl from Phoenix, Arizona moves to Forks, Washington to live with her Dad (coincidentally the town’s Police Chief) because her absentee Mom has married a stud minor league baseball player she met after a spring training game at a TGIFridays and now wants to travel the farm league circuit with him to glamorous places like: Jacksonville, Florida. So Bella takes the hint and moves in with dear, old oblivious Dad: Charlie. Then hijinks ensue. Thinking she’s doomed to live a deary, boring life in Forks, Bella is surprised to find herself the talk of the high school from the nerds to the jocks. But being a girl Bella isn’t interested in safe, boring people who are interested in HER. She can only think about the mysterious boy from biology class and his weird adoptive yet not related beautiful  siblings who oddly enough never go to school on sunny days. But never mind the underlying danger… everything about him draws HER in!

So who are these people you ask…

The Humans-

Stop trying to make fetch happen!

Bella and her school friends and unintended (heh) suitors make up the majority of the sleepy and oblivious unsuspecting town. They include school heartthrob Mike Newton whom Bella describes as a golden retriever and whom mostly reminds us of a Jonas Brother with blond hair or Kirk Cameron AFTER he found Jesus. Pretty much the guy no girl with Daria-like tendencies would want to go out with. In a million-gabillion years. Then there are the girlfriends like Angela. Pretty much that sweet girl who was nice to everyone and befriended the new girl even when she was the flavor of the week who stole all the boys from the girls who has put in hard time. Then we have the “Mean Girls…” Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory, who combined are essentially the Regina George of Forks High School to Bella’s Cady Heron. These are the bitches who could be your best friend or worst enemy depending on the day.

The Vampires-

Just your typical neighbor in the Pacific Northwest

These aren’t your Grandma’s traditional vamps or your Anne Rice vamps or your bodice ripping (we wish) vamps. The Cullen family are the Brady Bunch of the Stephenie Meyer vampire world. Sure, they have their dark and tortured pasts but they’ve given all that up in exchange for a few years in rainy weather towns surviving on, what they refer to as, “a vegetarian diet.” Meaning they don’t take a little sip from humans anymore. They hunt down animals and make a bloody mary cocktail that will last them a few weeks, thus making it easier to sit through their 2394294th time as a high schooler. Monotonous you say? Why, yes. Yes it is. And that’s where we find out sparkly protagonist, Edward when he first encounters Bella in Biology class. And barely able to control himself runs out of class to save her and himself and not to mention the 30 other kids in the class from certain death. But of course like a typical dude, Edward is taken by the new girl just as much as Bella, being a total girl is intrigued and pissed off by the mysterious boy. And as they say the rest is history.

Like I said these aren’t your typical vampires, Stephenie Meyer has given her vamps all kinds of special characteristics that set them apart and leave her readers with difficult situations like trying to explain to a vampire lover or even a regular dude why vampires sparkle. And yes, they do sparkle. Why? well who really knows other than it’s a plot device used to differentiate them in the sunlight instead of bursting into flames in like old school vamps. Rather these guys look more like a diamonte choker from the Joan Collins for QVS jewelry collection in the sun.

They also have special powers: mind reading, mood altering, future telling, extreme sexiness and the ability to ‘glower’ at a moments notice. They also appear to have super human control over sexual temptation because there’s enough tension in this book it leaves the Twimoms (we’ll cover them eventually) and the tweens quivering (ew) for years. You wanna know why girls disappeared into their rooms for days on end reading these books? THAT is your answer. That sweet, delicious tension. And his name is Edward Cullen.

See, I told you so!

Notable Quotables

  • “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” – THE Twilight quote. Suitable for Etsy crafts, regrettable tattoos and quoting to your resigned boyfriend
  • “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him..” – Teaching teens and grown ups alike the word “irrevocable”
  • “You are exactly my brand of heroin” – Stephenie Meyer’s pro-drug PSA. High Schoolers need more excuses to think up new and exciting non-traditional drugs. A hit of your girlfriends blood? Why not!
  • “Holy Crow” – aka OHHHH SSSHHHEEEEETTT!

Follow the cut for more on the villians, the conflict and some business time

137 Commented

What about… Vampire animals?

Moon & UC are still “Gone Fishin” (literally UC’s dad wants to drag her deep sea fishin’ today. um no) so sit back & relax while someone ELSE takes the LTT reigns!

Hi Stephenie,

It seems to be some unwritten rule around these parts that we never address you directly, but today I’m going to shove protocol aside and ask you a question that has been bugging me for some time now.

So the other day I was making puzzles for LTR with my bloggy pal
Alice_NaA and she made a rebus with a picture of sparkly doe in it. And that sparkly doe reminded me of a question that had occurred to me while I was reading the saga for the very first time, back in April 2009 (ah, good times…): What happens if a vegetarian vampire bites
an animal, but it manages to escape before it is killed?
Would the animal then become a vampire animal? And if so, would they sparkle in the sunlight too, like that cute sparkly doe?

If you think about it, it’s even plausible that vampire animals might exist. Why wouldn’t a lonely 4-century old vampire create himself a cuddly vampire cat as a companion? Or a vampire horse – just imagine how fast you’d be able to travel with one of those! Or maybe a vampire bat, if you like that tongue-in-cheek kinda humor.

And really, shoving aside the fact that vampires and most mythical creatures don’t really exist, aren’t most of these myths based on exaggerated natural phenomena anyway? Take rabies, for example. In ancient times, couldn’t the fear people had of rabid animals have evolved into a myth about vampire animals? And ultimately, ‘human’ vampires?

Or let’s take something more recent, like the fox plague we’re
currently experiencing in Britain and Contintental Europe (Yes people… a fox plague. We have such rustic plagues here on the old continent. Alongside the modern ones of rats and pigeons, of course.). Apparently foxes enter chicken houses to kill one chicken for dinner, but then go crazy and just bite all the other chickens until they are dead. Now maybe, just maybe, we are not really having a fox plague… but it’s all the work of a newborn vampire fox! Heck, maybe it’s even a newborn vampire fox army! Think about it… Yes, that totally makes sense. Totally. I’m glad we figured this one out. I can now sleep
soundly again (aside from the fact that an army of undead foxes is wandering around my country, but well…)

They’re not bears… they’re vampire foxes!

PS: You know, now that you got me thinking about it, new questions arise…
like, what would a vegetarian human like myself who became a vampire eat? Would we really suddenly shove our principles aside and kill animals for consumption? Or would we turn to,
say… ketchup? Help me out here, Steph…

PPS: Will you please invite Letters to Twilight for another exclusive interview again for the release of Breaking Dawn so they can ask these questions for me? Many thanks!

I love Bella_NaA (and her partner in Twi-Crime Alice_NaA) for always asking the important Twilight questions!

Wanna win a prize? After the jump play a game for a chance to win! Continue…

70 Commented

Thursday Twilight Video to cure those July Blues

Dear Twilight,

I generally save videos for Open Weekend Posts, but I’m kinda in the mood for a big laugh today. I don’t know about you, but I’m in a major slump. Probably because I’m coming off my Junehigh & it’s mid-July & nothing is going on in my life. And boxes are yet to be unpacked STILL in my apartment, I can’t find curtains for my 13′ windows, Eclipse buzz has died down (I only saw it twice and am not even sure I’m going to go for a third time. Bad Fan? Or blame it on the July blues?) And I’m clearly PMSing. Obviously. Not to mention today is THURSDAY, not Friday, and I really need it to be Friday.

Anyway, The Stacey’s sent this to me (actually I think just one of them sent it to me & just copied the other. I get confused though- the Staceys are two girls named Stacey who met on LTT and are basically the same person except not. They even use the same email company which REALLY confuses me. I really need to learn which last names belongs to whom. But that takes effort & I already told you- it’s Thursday. Effort was over by Monday at 10 am) ANYWAY, I laughed the entire 6 min. and 11 seconds this was playing. It really makes me wish that Moon & I could blog full-time. Do you KNOW the amount of videos & audio masterpieces we would produce? We have epic instructional videos in our idea book that are just dying to be made. We discussed tonight the need for Moon to obtain a sugar daddy, since Mr. Choice, while a lovely husband, is not that. Moon is headed to Africa next week*, and so I suggested she meet a Kenyan Royalty. She said she’d hop on over to Dubai and meet a Sheik and become his LA Harem girl. I’m allowed to join the Harem too, as long as I show the Sheik the Leg Hitch.

Anyway, that’s a letter for another day, our scheme to find sugar daddys so we can blog about vampires full-time. For now, there’s just laughter and the refusal to admit it’s only Thursday:

There! Now don’t you feel better!? (Sorry if you’re stuck at work, unable to watch this video. I feel really badly for how much your day is going to suck as a result. Watch it immediately when you get home- before you pet the dog, take off your shoes, kiss your man or feed the baby. Trust me)

One day until Friday,

PS: If you happen to be a Unicorn Sheik Sugardaddy from Dubai or Kenya country, Moon will be there next week- do you mind sitting down for a one-on-one with her? See how you guys get along? She just wrote a pretty amazing one shot lesbian fan fic in our most recent chat session that she promises to release under a penname if you can sugardaddy our way to full time vampire-blogging. Thanks

*Moon really WILL be in Africa (flying through Dubai!) next week! She leaves a week from today and will be disconnected for TWO WEEKS. Don’t ask me how I’ll get through. I have no idea. I do know that on the second part of her trip, I will also be away on vacation….SOOOO that means we need YOUR help! Send in your bestest, most creative letters to for us to consider sharing with the world while we’re busy meeting Sheiks and eating crab cakes at the beach!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

60 Commented

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