(Get ready to pee your pants of the laughter and the epicness, then get ready to tweet @AshleyMGreene because this really needs to happen. Aren’t in luff with White Yorkie yet? Remind yourself here.)
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Well hello there, Ladies (and gentleman).

White Yorkie here, everybody’s favorite unicorn…  Well, everybody’s favorite other than the Font, but I lost him in the crowd at BronyCon (trust me, click on that link) this year, so you’re stuck with me.As you may be aware, Ashley Greene is near and dear to my heart.  Soon after writing this post yesterday, I looked at my clock and realized 9 hours had passed.  And then I looked at my screen and realized I had 25 ¾ pages of meandering (yet heartfelt) love sonnets.  I’ll spare you that and instead say this:

If it were up to me, all the films would focus on Alice and not this other chick Blecha or whoever-the-crap.  At the very least she should get her own Saturday morning cartoon spinoff series:  The Adventures of Alice Cullen & Friends.  It would be Masters of The Universe meets Muppet Babies.  Or Darkwing Duck meets Eek! The Cat.  Or The Snorks meets NYPD Blue.  You understand.

The real point is, this week both me and Ashley Greene will be at San Diego Comic-Con.  Now some might look at this situation and say to themselves, “Yeah, sure.  I could possibly maybe might see the love of my life from like a brajillion feet away.  We’re only separated by 5,000 sweaty mouth-breathers.  What a good day.”  But no.  White Yorkie ain’t having that shit.  I see this as the perfect opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream.

I’m gonna make breakfast for Ashley Greene.

And trust me…  you (talking to Ashley now) are in for a treat.

Girl, I can make you eggs.  Sunnyside up?  You bet.  Poached?  Ain’t no thang.  Scrambled?  Child, please.  You like ’em a little runny?  I got you covered.

Girl, I can make you toast.  I’ll be slicing a loaf of whole grain (gluten free if you’re into that sorta thing) to the beat of Father John Misty like it’s my J-O-B.

Girl, I can blend the shit out of fresh fruit and greens.  Yeah, I’m talk’n smoothies.  Mangos?  You bet your sweet ass.  Kale?  I ain’t scurred.  You like ’em super green with Dandelion Greens and Chard?  I’m your huckleberry.  (Plus I’ll bring my Vitamix 5200 so you know I’m not messing around.)

We can talk about “movies” versus “films.”  The intricacies of Robyn.  Even the implications of the God Particle if you’re feeling especially sciency.

Alright, so here’s the deal LTTers.  I need your help.  You might be asking why I deserve it.  The truth is, I don’t.  But what mere human really deserves the company of this beauty?

The real answer to that question is “none alive.”  But today’s answer is “White Yorkie.”

Basically what I’m asking you to do is to spend the next few days leading up to Comic-Con twitter-bombing Ashley Greene.  Just a little note letting her know that I’m ready and willing.  Something like:

White Yorkie wants to make you breakfast at Comic-Con!  He’s so dreamy and junk!

Or

I really wish I had guys the caliber of White Yorkie wanting to make me breakfast!  Swoon!

Or

When White Yorkie makes you breakfast pretty please take pics!  OMFGROTFLCOPTER!

Just be sure to #brunchingashleygreene

You can also take a picture like this one and throw it on the ol’ Instagram and tag Ashley in it.

I will return from my adventures with extensive writings, photos, and perhaps even video.  And I will also be forever in your debt, Interwebs.  That means I owe you Italian food and at least a trip to second base the next time you’re in town.

Okay, here’s all the important details:

When: Comic-Con 2012 in San Diego.  Thursday-Sunday.  My schedule is flexible.
Where:  LTT headquarters in the Gaslamp District.  It’s legit swank.
Who:  White Yorkie, Moon, Ashley Greene.
How:  twitter:  @ashleymgreene
Instagram: ashleymgreene
#brunchingashleygreene

Please help me in my quest to brunch Ashley Greene.

White Yorkie out.

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**Yup, that’s right White Yorkie along with me and BrookeLockhart will be at Comic Con tearing it up on your behalf at all the Twilight events as well as all the other bizarro crap we’re into and will report on over at That’s Normal. So make White Yorkie’s day and tweet the crap out of Ashley Greene cause really, ya never know what will happen. Also if you’ll be at Comic Con stay tuned to our Twitter @Letter2Twilight because we might just be going something cool and what you there! **

Dear LTT,You know when you receive and unsolicited Breaking Dawn review from a guy in your inbox the day after the movie is released you need to reevaluate your life… that and your friend is a FAN! Ok, ok I kid… You all remember White Yorkie from his famous posts and past podcasts, well no surprise I (totally didn’t) wrangled him into seeing Breaking Dawn with us and then I was totally surprised when this did show up in my inbox…
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To: Moon
From: White Yorkie
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Well…. Shit balls, where to begin?Before I delve into anything detailed, I think I’ll just start with some rapid-fire initial thoughts:-The Stephanie at the wedding.  Ugh.  There’s way too many metaphors and junk to discuss concerning this, but I’m a dude.  And lazy.-Ashley Greene.  Girl, you know I’ll always love you.  You’re a beautiful, beautiful woman.  So stop letting whatshisnuts do whoopsidaisy dance moves on you where you reveal your undercarriage to undeserving eyes.  It’s just not becoming.

-The scene where BSwan reveals her ingenious plan to name her daughter Renesmee.  Edward’s all “bitch, no way” and Jacob’s all “I’d do you right now, bruised preggo belly and all.”  Bella, stop being such a puss.  Go for it.  Call your baby Renesmeward.  Done.

-That stupid sexy catwalk Bella’s mom does when she gets the wedding invite.  Stop it.  And stop wearing those shorts.  And just go away and die or something.  You have nothing to contribute to these movies.  Team Mustache.

– The end credits.  I hate to say this.  But they might be my favorite of the year.  Way too cool for this movie.

-The wolf barking/talking/chase/fight scene.  What.  The.  Tits?  After the dramatic fade to black I wanted to sing.  I wanted to recite poetry.  I wanted to stand and applaud.  I wanted to throat punch the nearest grandma.  Anything, something to convey my overwhelming joy that something like that exists in cinema.  I was just too slack-jawed at the time to do much of anything.

-The birth scene.  Anybody who’s talked to me knows this is the reason I was pumped to see this movie.  And it was simultaneously completely satisfying and completely disappointing.  Hot: all the blood.  Nearly dead Bella.  The overall tone of the scene.  Not hot:  Bella’s POV during the pivotal vampire c-section.

-The dream sequence where a bloodied Bella and Edward stand victorious on a mound of the dead.  I mean what the whaaaaaaat.  Yes please.  Why can’t the movies be about stuff like that?  Forever confused.

-More Ashley Greene being awesome.  Less of her doing flippies and being a damsel in distress during the vampire vs doggies scene.

-Why can’t Bella ever look happy.  About anything.  Ever.  Oh wait.  She does.  When Jacob shows up hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

-The vampire “extra special effects” still look like they were done by a dude fired from a CW show.  Somebody pony up some more cash for that shiz.  Take a few skrillz from the wig budget heyoooo

-Charlie is totally boning that Native American lady.  Secret loooooooovaaaahs

Alright.  Time to get serious.  As serious as I can get about a movie that I loathe and love all at the same time.  That’s right.  I said love.  I think this is the first Twilight movie I would actually recommend for people to go see.  Not because I think it’s some masterpiece.  But because it’s a masterpiece.  Let me explain.

But first, I need to get a few things off my chest that I hated about this movie and all the movies in the series.

All of these movies are so odd.  I wish there was a better word for it but that’s all I got.  They’re so damn odd.  Odd in tone, look, structure, overall story, script, everything.  They’re such a mish-mash of awkward.  Especially this installment.  In the same movie, you have a pre-sexy time montage with Bella, a hilarious wedding reception speech by Scott Pilgrim’s sister, vampire bros giggling and secret hand-shaking as they’re about to go on Edward’s bachelor party (why couldn’t that be told in flashback instead of Edward’s secret past as Dexter?), and a scene where BELLA’S BACK FUCKING SNAPS IN HALF BECAUSE OF HER DEMON (but actually really nice) BABY.

There are so many tonal shifts in this movie that it’s hard to take seriously.  Not that I could ever take it seriously.  Well, maybe.  I could if certain things were done.  The major one being: start telling a coherent story.  With a beginning, middle, and end.  One with a driving plot.  And yes, I know there’s all these scenes from the book that all you ladyz want to see.  I get that.  But I still think all that crap could be included and still tell a story that makes sense.

Small example of nonsensical stuff:  Bella is pregnant with the spawn of Satan.  Awesome.  And she needs to drink blood to stay alive.  Great.  But they’re running out of blood and they need to get her more.  Got it.  SO WHY DID THE ONE DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE LEAVE TO GET THE BLOOD WHEN HE HAD FULL KNOWLEDGE THAT SAID DAUGHTER OF BELZEBUB WAS ABOUT TO CLIMB OUT OF BELLA’S DYING LADY PARTS?

I know it’s all there for dramatic effect and junk.  But come ON.  At least give me a good reason.  And yeah, it might all be there on the page in the book, but you got to have this reason in the movie.

But story wise…  it just takes so long to get going.  And once it does, I kinda got bored with all the conflict that wasn’t happening but should’ve been happening.  Which I feel is a problem in this movie and the last one.  It’s a lot of waiting around for unclear reasons while conflict is about to maybe, possibly happen.  Bored.

Follow the jump for much much more from White Yorkie including who Breaking Dawn should really be about (spoiler NOT Edward and Bella) and more calling the Wolves, doggies
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