Letters to Twilight

Stuff guys say about Twilight: The Sparkly version

Posted by unintendedchoice on October 20th, 2009

If only I could sparkle like Edward...

Dear women of LTT,

Has it seemed to you like guys are saying less and less about Twilight? My husband hasn’t said anything remotely sarcastic about it in weeks. Maybe it’s because the hype has died down a bit- it’s like the calm before the storm of New Moon hits. Or maybe *brilliant thought alert* our guys have seen the New Moon clips and are so impressed by the wolves and so unimpressed by Edward’s airbrushed abs that they’re re-thinking their mantra of “Must make fun of Twilight and sparkly vampires- no matter the cost.” And you know there are guys out there that have said, after seeing the clips of Edward shirtless (or finding your homemade, shirtless Edward bookmark in your Bible), “That’s it!? That’s what turns you on? Babe, give me two days to work off this Hot Pocket & Heineken gut, and I’ll show you something to get turned on about.” Right, that’s the same.

Anyway, to remind us of how much guys love to talk about how Edward sparkles & to get us excited for all the amazing things guys are going to say about New Moon, I’ve come across a few unshared stories about stuff guys say about Twilight. Can we start taking bets NOW on how long after New Moon is released it will be before we start hearing “I’ll show you a New Moon” while our guy bends over and pulls down his pants? Oh- today’s images brought to you by google image searching “Edward Sparkles”

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Jennifer’s convo with her moisturized man:

So, I get up in the morning and shower for work and I notice that my last bottle of Caress Shimmering Body Lotion is nearly empty and propped upside down in the shower caddy. Well, I didn’t do that, so my first guess was that the husband did. *ahem*

So the next day, I made a quip about how my lotion was almost gone “The shimmery lotion …” I said, trying to make him feel gay for using glitter.

So he says, “It was the only lotion there was! I think you just wanted me to sparkle like Edward.”

During a recent viewing of Twilight, Twisted Larissa had the following conversation:

Boyfriend: Are you seriously watching this again?

Me: Shut up

Boyfriend: Why doesnt he just do her instead of flying across the room like a dumbass?

Me: He cant…its complicated…he loves her but the smell of her…

Boyfriend: Nevermind its gay. Plus he sparkles

Me: You wouldnt understand
Boyfriend: I understand that the fag wont just do her, she obviously wants it

Me: Ugh why cant you be more like Edward

Boyfriend: Edward? Is that the cute shirtless indian?

Me: Who’s gay now?

And a Unicorn, who is potentially my uncle, shares his story:

Dear LTT,

After months of prodding my wife “leveraged” me into reading Twilight by rewarding me for each chapter. Hell, for that I would read the entire Jane Austen collection. But I digress. As far as the Twilight series…let me sum it up:

Bella, annoying teenager that I don’t understand.
Edward, a girly vampire (did I mention he is very attractive and sparkles…it was pretty much a sub-plot of the book).
Jacob, seems like a cool hairy guy except for his obsession with Bella, but seems to be the only one that a real man would come close to relating to.

The books were a quick read and not all that bad, except for the 45 page tirades about how good Edward looked, or how good he smelled, or how good of a person he was, or how noble he was, or …you get the point. So other than that, the 25 remaining pages of Twilight were tolerable. I just still do not understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, I tried rubbing glitter all over my body to see if it would make me more attractive during a recent trip to the park. I am of Scandanavian decent so I already have the paleness! All I got was a lot of curious stares…perhaps I should have used more hairgel. That must have been the problem.

At any rate, I told my wife that I would gladly escort her to the New Moon premiere as long as I can write “Team Jacob” down my arms and debate with teenage girls about the merits of why Edward is a virus carrying pedophile.

Sincerely,
A pale Sparkly Team Jacob Member

This Unicorn’s email address said his name was the same as my uncles. I had a panic attack. Seriously. His email address even looked like my uncles. So I wrote him back saying this:

Dear Team Jacob member who has the same name as my uncle & is really creeping me out that you might actually be my uncle so if you happen to have 3 children & live in Pennsylvania let’s just keep this between us. At thanksgiving I won’t mention Team Jacob & you don’t mention knowing I lust over Rob Pattinson. Capiche?,

Hugs… see ya at Mom-moms,
UC

So is it just my guy who has stopped talking about Twilight!? What have your guys talked about lately? Oh, and Bobbygee– we’re counting on you to give us something good today!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, find out who won our cafe-press T-shirt contest!

There's no way Rob won't want you in this!

TIFFANIZED congrats on winning whatever Twilight T-shirt you desire from CafePress. Pick a good one and wear it proudly!!!!!

Tiffanized’s winning outfit was:

A – Crappy wig in honor of the synthetic nightmares worn by Taylor, Jackson and Rosalie.
B – Slutty Bella’s Wal-Mart cami (actually from Wal-Mart, on clearance for $6. Truth.
C – Pink assless chaps, for riding motorcycles in my attempts to summon Ghostward.
D – Pink and aqua Keds Slip-ons, Twilight themed. Comfortable AND fashionable. And they match my assless chaps.
E – Cullen crest tattoo, because I am COMMITTED, dammit.
F – Twilight flask. Because there’s no way this is happening if I’m sober.

Congrats, Tiff! Your outfit is amazing. And THANKS to everyone who entered. We loved them all and laughed so hard! To see all the entries, visit the comments of the Contest Post! And don’t worry if you haven’t won lately, we will be having plenty more contest in the upcoming months & weeks! Starting with who has the best “New Moon” ifyouknowwhatI’msayin’

Discuss your guys on The Forum
What would Rob do if he wasnt’ famous? Find out with Moon on LTR