Breaking It Down: It’s so obvious! Marsten, Nachos and English men

Man Up with Kristen Stewart...

Dear Kristen,

We just read your GQ article… yea, we were around when it came out a few days ago but it was simply too late to read and break down cause these things take forever. You understand. So of course after this thing trended (srsly?!) we knew we needed to break it down. So here we are…

Also, we feel it necessary to tell you and everyone else we were in the middle of a convo on Obama reelection chances, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. Cause we care about stuff… then this convo happened…

The One where they still don’t get it but she looks good

I'm going to fwd her the groupon for laser hair removal

UC: we gotta break down Kstew right?
Moon: yea i was just about to say we need to do that…  i need to read it
Moon: im trying to find a link to this crap
UC: go to or something
Moon: How about  Fierce Bitch Stew?
Moon: yes lets read and then talk
UC: okay godspeed
Moon: srsly
Moon: woah… this shit is long
UC: ugh good opener…like.. well written! ciao bella
omg the description of the mexican place… really? “each beer comes with a basket of salty chips & salsa” ugh. it’s a mexcian restaurant
UC: there’s that prepubescent line again- do they do NO research? the majority of twilight fans are NOT teeny bopper girls!  those girls were 7 when the books came out!
Moon: No, because by doing research and they’d be forced to realize we’re not all little kids and then they’d be forced to consider that maybe this thing it’s not  so bad/childish/dumb and they’d have to rethink their preconceived notions they’ve been fed by the cynical media.
Moon: Sorry, that was a mouthful.
UC: i like the photoshoot a lot.. i think it’s one of her best
Moon: yea she does look great!! I want those suits she’s wearing. .. and dude this person is a super krisbian
UC: the author?
Moon: yes, seems that way

Ohhh heeeey... maybe he's english?!

UC: i like how she knows her bodyguard was named HBG…
i feel like it’s a male author, but i have no idea.. probably not.. but i’m reading it like it is
Moon: yea i think its a gay guy… ok back to reading cause i dont know about HBG
UC: oh haha
Moon: whats that mean?
UC: hottie bodyguard… i dind’t know either but i’ve seen it
Moon: i thought they called him agent security blanket. shows how much we know of the krisbian world
UC: i just realized this is the UK version of glamour & that’s why there are misspellings!! i was like “man.. editor missed a bunch”
UC: “Twilight is catnip for those young innocent girls” … out of all the young innocent girls i know who have read it- and i know many- no one has latched on to it like we have or our friends. even KRISTEN doesn’t get it. i feel even MORE alone.. as an adult…
Moon: ks doesnt even get it but I guess that’s like a lot of people who just don’t have that personality type to really get INTO something or enjoy it without caring so much what everyone thinks.
UC: that’s what I was saying!!!  young girls have short attention spans.. they will freak out when the movie comes out again, but they (few) care in between
Moon: “They asked me to do silly things, and I wasn’t a silly kid.” imagine that

Follow the cut for MORE an Nachos!


Not giving a fuuuucksten. Clearly.

The one where we blame someone else!
UC: omg…  the things we’ve started… she says the terms nonsten & “fucksten” as in i don’t give a fucksten
UC: I just asked Brookelockart… How does it feel that you were the creator of the term “nonsten” and “I don’t give a fucksten” and Kristen mentions them in an article?
she feels pretty good about it. She’d like to thank her dad. and her cats. And dedicates this to all the young girls out there, who, like a cat to catnip, cling to twilight as the ultimate perfection for their young minds to ascribe to and for
Moon: awwww all those years ago with that Single Ladies crew I “interviewed” Good job Brooke


The One where I really do try and then it comes back to Adam Brody
Moon: and this “you would have to be a brick or a piece of wood not to be able to engage with some of that material.”
UC: twilight?
Moon: haha, no about her acting roles. this whole bit about her trying to be unpretentious is HILARIOUS
Moon: ok and still dont like her HAHAHAH
UC: hahaha
Moon: i really go into these things trying to give her a chance!! I swear I do, I really do!
UC: it didn’t change my mind about her… but i didn’t think it was a horrible article i just don’t think i’d get along with her
Moon: it started off interesting enough and then she just blows it EVERY time
UC: she’s not the type of person i’d be around, famous or not what did she do to blow it for you..? i just though it was a eehhh article… i mean until she started talking about babies & then i envisioned her and rob & little teeny tiny babies and puppies and rainbows and my life was complete
Moon: yea thats what it comes down to for me. shes not my people. and thats fine
Moon: the stuff about wanting to be unpretentious and how on the road is her favorite first book and how she’s an actor and she doesnt give a fuck.

We're still not over it

UC: right… she never was my people.. not from the summer before Twi came out & i saw her in that movie with adam brody. is that what it comes back to? I’m just mad she got to kiss Adam Brody? Probably. Subconsciously
Moon: anyone who gets to look at Adam Brody in the flesh for hours a day let, along kiss him is my mortal enemy. I totally understand.
UC: i just hate that she swears every other word & smokes all the time- which she clearly does b/c EVERY INTERVIEWER talks about it. i know SO many of those girls (sent you some pictures of them– member?) and they are the worst
Moon: i remember having a call with my clients at warners when that was coming out and we’re doing promo and i literally said “shes not a big deal… yet” and they didn’t like that. But she wasn’t as big as Adam Brody and Meg Ryan’s weird melty face were.
Moon: HAHAHAHA clearly wasnt into her then and not into her now
UC: right!
Moon its just the attitude i dont respond to… it’s ok to like things. get over it.
UC: what?
Moon: she just seems the type who’s always too cool for everything. And I know a ton of them here in LA. doesnt “understand” why people are into something. doesn’t overtly have any passions or are interested in anything seemingly “normal” or “fun” or “popular”
Moon: I just want to yell at them DUDE it’s OK to like things. it makes you a person and INTERSTING
UC: it seems like it stems from her childhood.. she was in movies.. kids made fun of her b/c that’s what kids do when they are jealous… and so she built up this protective thing- she said it there- and she’s just realizing now as an adult she doesn’t need to

Kristen's future baby according to some crazies

The one with a BABY!
UC: well …she likes her british boyfriend, Moon.. now be fair.. and their future baby OMG THEY TALKED ABOUT A BABAY
Moon: ZOMG A BABY!!!!
Moon: HAHAAHA that part made me laugh. and so dumb. I’m not going to tell anyone anything. not the name, not anything. Because people care too much. get over yourself
UC: you’re making it WORSE for yourself, girl!
Moon: exactly
UC: they’re gonna start WEBSITES dedicated to your baby.. and it’s name that they’ll figure out b/c they’ll read your lips. just tell them enough and they’ll go away
Moon: or they’ve dress us a nurse, break into the chart room and photo copy the birth certificate. Or break into your email and see the email birth announcement. Since we know they’ve done THAT before.

The name of my Robsten fanfic

The one where it’s the best business plan EVER!
Moon: DUDE why do i get so annoyed by her? it’s just she rubs me the wrong way in these things. which i know isnt her intention and that sucks but STILL!
UC: promise. you’re not interesting enough without all the secrecy the article didn’t annoy me.. it was just a boring article
Moon: exactly. its all smoke and mirrors because when you take away the magic tricks and secrecy and you get what we read in the article and it’s not that interesting
UC: nothing new… smoke, swear… i’m tired of twilight- it’s amazing changed my life.. I won’t talk about my boyfriend… a kid in hollywood. blah blah
RIGHT… nothing was interesting. i was bored. i breezed it
Moon: she/they have to keep up the facade of secrecy because when everyone finds out how boring the truth really is NO ONE will care. no magazine covers, no bodyguards. in that way she’s a shrewd and savvy actress/business person
UC: hahhaha what if it’s all an act.. just to sell more movie tickets!!
UC: then it’s brilliant
Moon: exactly. but i dont know if i believe she would actually come up with it herself
UC: of course not!
Moon: of course it’s an act it gets her more movies and more money. studios now make movies based off their perceived popularity


The one where we don’t know if the Brits gets free chips
UC: so that’s an overview- you were rubbed the wrong way… and I was bored..
Moon: yea essentially she just BUGS
UC: oh .. that description of the mexican place… really? “each beer comes with a basket of salty chips & salsa” ugh. remember that? like.. seruiosly GQ writer? is he/she british? Since it was a british mag? never been to a mexican joint?
Moon: didnt it say nachos?
UC: yes…. nachos with homemade salsa
Moon: “NACHOS”… said in my rob accent
UC: haha… i thought that was a bigger deal before i realized i was reading a british magazine
Moon: hahahaa
UC: so i’m guessing the author thought this ‘authentic mexican joint’ tucked in topanga canyon was one in a million
Moon: maybe they dont get free chips with their mexican meals
UC: speaking of that.. you’ve already tracked down all the small mexican places in that area, right? to start stalking?

Free. 'Merica!

Moon: let me yelp this place. theres probably a review about how kristen stewart is there all the time and thinks everyone is looking at her.
(im gonna get killed by krisbians)
UC: hahah i’m pretty sure you said that line before
Moon: I’m pretty sure I say that line like every other day. Some day I’m gonna open the door and there will be an angry mob. Or open the mailbox to some anthrax laced “fan mail”
Moon: and cue every krisbian making a pilgramidge to topanga canyon
UC: yeah– British Readers: Do your mexican places CHARGE you for chips & salsa?
Moon: ps that place is either abulitas or los toros
UC: haha nice. if it’s THAT easy to find… can she really be there as often as they made it seem?
Moon: no one from LA is just traipsing up to topanga canyon. I hate driving west of Fairfax, let alone up the 170.


It's all so clear, now!

The one where it’s (not) a big revelation
UC: I’m being the devil’s advocate.. I mean. sorta.. i just didn’t think it was as bad as you did. i was just bored
Moon: I didn’t think it was THAT bad she just rubs me the wrong way sadly. Like, I really want to like her, she plays Bella. But alas… no dice.
UC: i didn’t think it was shit my pants on twitter good… TRENDING ON TWITTER good. holy F*ck to use Kristen’s phrase. like really???
UC: and also… b/c all i knew was “it’s trending on twitter “my boyfriend is english” so I thought they did it- she came out & told the world. what I love even MORE is that she didn’t. she didn’t even tell the interviewer in the interview. she said it at a photoshoot. where the interviewer WAS and wouldn’t have said it.. had she known… this wasn’t some big REVELATION…
Moon: you KNOW the editor was like this is boring you need to add something to the author and then he put in that line about my boyfriend is english
UC: haha so true!
Moon: like take that boyfriend part out and it’s like any other kristen interview
UC: and then she says.. all sarcastically “come on guys.. it’s SOOO obvious” and people are freaking “SHE IS FINALLY TELLING US”
UC: no she’s not.. she’s being like “You are dumbasses- you who won’t believe and you who are waiting for us to confirm so your “Side” is justified”
Moon: no she’s probably like DUH it isn’t obvious he’s the guy who’s always cut out of the picture

Super obvious!

UC: “it’s OBVIOUS” move on
Moon: cause who wants to read or see the guy who looks like an old man that 98% of the world doesnt know and his name isnt edward cullen
UC: what? Wait, who are you talking about?
Moon: marcus foster!
UC: hahahahhaa the Englishman she’s OBVIOUSLY dating
Moon: clearly….. conspiracy!!!

He was born somewhere on this island!

The One where he’s English!
Moon: lets think of all the english guys who could be her boyfriend… besides rob
marcus foster… der
harry potter
UC:Lord Voldemort
Colin Firth
Moon: matthew lewis! id be pissed
UC: SO pissed
Moon: hugh grant
UC: The Princes. Both of them.
Moon: david nivens
UC: both of the harrys
Beckham- his lady on the side
Moon: paul mccartney. he’s still single
UC: Marcus Mumford
Moon: girl fight with carry mulligan!
UC Michael Caine
UC: All of those guys
Moon: andrew garfield
Moon: michael fassbender
mr darcy… no, Mr. COLLINS
Moon: so it’s clearly VERY obvious who her boyfriend is
UC: VERY obvious
English or obvious or whatever,
Moon and UC

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Source: Fierce Bitch Stew

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