Stop reporting me to the FBI

It’s been awhile since Kristen has heard from anyone at LTT, so today we’re fixing that!

Dear Kristen Stewart,

I do not want to kill you. I also have no plans to throw rotten tomatoes at you, deliberately write on your face with a sharpie, or show up at any premier so I may hurl abusive language at you.

Ok, maybe I should back up. It is my understanding that you make a habit of reading blogs and visiting sites about yourself. If this is true, then you have probably seen my photo. I’m not going to post it here as the other innocent people in the photo with me have been abused enough across the internet. So please accept this artist’s recreation. I’m the chubby redhead down front:

(PS: You've seen this image with the "breast feeding boy" superimposed in it, right? Big Laughs)

Despite the fact that this photo was taken over two years ago some people will not let it go and they continue to hold up my photo as the face of all that is evil and wrong in the world of Kristen Stewart.

Does it count as abuse when I shout "FIX YOUR SKIRT! Everyone can see your business!"?

I’m not going to sit here and claim to be your biggest fan or try to suck up to you or any such thing because I have no reason to lie to you. The simple truth is, I’m not a fan. I don’t say that to hurt your feelings. It’s just one opinion amongst the millions, but somehow the fact that I don’t want to get down and kiss your Louboutins means to some people that I am a physical danger to you. This could not be farther from the truth. I don’t always understand your personal choices, and I seriously think you should consider having someone help you pick out formal dresses, but these are trifles and certainly aren’t enough to get me to seek you out to do you harm.

I have tried explaining this to ‘fans’ who insist on posting my photo all over the web, but my protestations have fallen on deaf ears. Or blind eyes. Or whatever the heck it is when I type out a plea that goes something like “Please do not post that photo. It is not affiliated with any website. To my knowledge none of the people in that photo have ever threatened the well-being of any actress and are actually quite nice people.” and they respond with “What photo? I don’t know what you are talking about…. LOOK AT THIS PHOTO OF THE HATERRZZZZZZ ZOMG THEY ARE SO SMELLY AND MEAN AND THEY DRESS FUNNY!”

Body tackle, boob grab, I'll take one (or several) for the team.

It has been rumored that my photo has been sent to your security team and possibly the FBI (and if they would like to monitor my Twitter account they should stop opening accounts with avi’s of boobs because I automatically block those). In response to this rumor I just wanted to go on the record to say that although I don’t enjoy your work I’m sure you are a lovely girl (when you aren’t telling people to freeze to death or blaming your faults on your teachers) and that if I ever saw you on the street I would be as polite and pleasant as I am to all strangers. Which is to say, I would probably mumble hello, and then fumble with my phone in a socially awkward way and pretend there was something really important that I had to look at.

I do understand though, that it is the job of your security team to protect you from harm, so I will feel no ill-will towards you if Hottie Bodyguard needs to pin me to the ground. And if in my confusion I start to get up and he needs to pin me again, that’s fine by me. The man has a job to do.




What do you think about Kristen’s hoo-ha up above? How about her Beyonce-knock off dress at the SWATH premiere? How hot is that bodyguard? Ugh… am I forgetting any questions?

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  • MarbleNutSlut

    Does it make you feel better that I have no idea what you are talking about? Because I do not. What picture? Who are these people? Never mind, I really don’t care.

    But I am totally with you on the Macking on HB thing. I am in. 

    • JodieO

      It does, actually… 

      • MarbleNutSlut

         Fantastic. My job here is done.

    • TeamSeth

       Same. Seriously, no clue what photo or instance or anything.

      Of course, i also didn’t know KStew had a body guard, let alone a hot one. Any fashion people know what make his jacket is in that pic? I’d like to get a similar one for my husband.

  • MrsKowski

    The FBI? Really? C’mon ppl why you gotta be so …crazy?!

    JodieO, I’ll come visit you if you get arrested by the FBI. 

    • JodieO

      Can you come visit me with Agent Derek Morgan?

  • so privileged that my avi is of my boobs and you’ve not blocked me 

    • Alexandra

      Your boobs are special!  3333333333

    • JodieO

      I love that you commented just to remark on your boobs.

      And your boobs are too spectacular to block.

    • Lori

      Who could ever block your boobs??

  • amynkansas

    Lover you “artist’s recreation”.
    PS. I do know of said photo.  Boo.

    • amynkansas

      oops. Love, not lover.

    • JodieO

      Thanks!  I may frame that recreation.  It’s genius if I do say so myself… 

  • Danyspike

    I’m in the same situation as MarbleNutSlut, I have absolutely NO idea what picture you’re talking about…but now I’m curious, of course lol

    Either way, making a big fuzz about it is ridiculous. Some people need to get a life so they can leave yours alone. Hang in there 🙂

  • Dancingechoes

    I’m fairly certain this blog post has been tweeted to Interpol, Ruth, and the office of Offenses Against KStew 😉

    • JodieO

      I’m expecting the Secret Service and Scotland Yard to come crashing through my windows at any second. 

      • Luludee

         If hottie bodyguard came along and felt inspired to where a kilt, that might not be so bad. 😉

        • Sj_nuiph

          HB + kilt =die.

      • TeamSeth

         Do Scotland Yard people still wear those hats? I always imagine them to have little scotties. Aww. Can you imagine getting arrested by a sexy Brit with a baton and an adorable scotty wearing a burberry coat? #worthit

  • Keisha

    So many things I’d like to say but then *I’d* be put on The List and the cycle would continue.

    I do love how this turned into a post about disrespecting HB nice and slow though!

  • cyndibear

    For now I’ll just leave it at… I don’t understand her appeal.

    I also don’t know about this photo, but I’m sorry the minions have been so persistently mean JodieO. Here’s hoping once Snow White hits the theaters their focus will gravitate back towards their “obsession”.

  • Luludee

    Wow, really? It’s still being talked about? That’s nuts. But given who it is that is still talking about it (the KK), I’m not terribly surprised.

  • What? What? Kristen talk at LTT?! How fun!! Unfortunately, I also am in the dark about this ‘picture’. 

    JodieO, let me say as a Kard Karrying Kristen fan, I totally respect your opinion of KStew.  She’s not everybody’s cup of tea.  Us Kristenites should not be giving you a hard time in any way for whatever you’ve done (still don’t have a clue).

    Give me a list of names and I will put an Internet Ban on all of these nasties.  Unless they’re Krisbians.  Then all bets are off.  They scare the tighty-whities off of me.

    PS: Kristen’s Hoo-Haw looks great in the picture above.  If anyone wants the photo in UHQ just let me know 🙂

    • JodieO

      Waiiiit… A KStew fan who… respects my opinion… ?  I don’t understand… 

      I kid, I kid… I know there are sane people and crazy people on each ‘side’ of the fandom. If you have no idea what the devil horns photo is all about, then it makes me feel better.  It tends to show up in the comments of some of the less savory blogs/sites/pages/whatnot. 

      Sadly, the photo will live on as long as people are convinced that I want to kill Kristen Stewart.  And they ARE convinced of this. I’m way too lazy for this… 

      • Guitargirl

        This letter is full of awesomeness! Like you, I am waaaay too lazy to even contemplate killing someone who I’m indifferent to. It appears that indifference is the new word for hatred. Who knew?

        I’d offer to be your protector Jodes, and go head to head with the small minded people who have posted your pic, but I reckon we’d be far better sitting over a brandy or 3, and pity these people who obviously have no life whatsoever. Actually scrap that, lets have brandy anyway whilst wearing a set of devil horns. They’d look fabulous with your red hair!

        • JodieO

          Thanks, GG! Sounds like a good night to me!

      • JellyBeanRainbow


        Look at this as our legacy, Jodie, we will all be long gone dead and forgotten, even by our grandgrandchildren, and KStew will be still alive, Immortal, The Queeen of the World, Master of the Universe, first RL superhero, whatever, but the photo will still live in the interwebs.

  • emmeloowhoo

    Jodes this is fabulous! I am so proud of you however I also have no clue which photo.  That’s kinda awesomesauce 🙂

    • JodieO

      Thanks, Em!  Miss you! =)

  • Verotwi86

    i’m new commenting here, but I read this blog since its “birth”. I don’t know about the picture you are talking about but I only want to say she isn’t worth the attention she is paid. i’m from spain (that’s why there are a gazillion of mistakes in this message 🙂 ), and yesterday there she was on the spanish TV with Charlize Theron. i didn’t think it before but now i simply don’t understand here. she didn’t answer many questions, she put on a face as if she was sleeping etc. at one point of the show, when a new section comes they usually dance/ jump up and down/ have fun, and the only thing she did was to throw herself on the floor as if she was a spoiled little child. I really don’t get it, if I were here, i would eat the world through hugs and kisses and love. and i don’t accept the  excuse that she is shy. i’m also very very very (you get it :)) shy, and i don’t act as if i am a lunatic. and that’s all. i hope i haven’t bored you too much

    • Luludee

       Yay! We love new commenters, especially ones who have been around forever! Welcome! Bienvenida!

    • TeamSeth

       Not boring at all 🙂  What region of Spain are you from? (if you don’t mind me asking)

  • BellasFutureHusband

    Dear Furious and Full of Retribution Future Wife Bella,

    I do not want to kill you. No. Me, I prefer impregnating you with a child who literally will eat you alive with her needful claw teeth. A child with an insatiable and lusty appetite for your life-giving pulse, a child who won’t stop until your heart does. A child who will cause certain pain and misery of death. A child who can only come out the hard way. The very hardest way. The way hospitals could never insure for. The kind that would drive up your co-pay to $5,000,000 per visit. The way that not even the most psychopath of all Batman villains would approve of. I hope you find this sexy and loving. It is. I love you.

    You can try to call the FBI. I have connections at the top. So good luck with that. I mean, yah, I love you.

    Yes, it would just be best if you realize who I am, what I am, and say it constantly because I like to hear it.

    Same place, same time tonight? Hah! Like you have a say in it. Don’t worry, soon it will all be a blur.

    Your Future Husband Edward

    • TeamSeth

      “The way that not even the most psychopath of all Batman villains would approve of.”


      As if you could outrun me!

  • Sj_nuiph

    Hang on, does this mean JodieO wasn’t the the psycho killer the Trinity was whispering about on BDI prem. red carpet?

  • John H.

    Just for the record, when Kristen said her teacher “failed” her, she literally meat that she got an “F”. If you are going to diss the Stew, get it right. LOL

    • Drthomp18

      LTT never gets it right. Tey live in their “Kristen sucks at all things bubble”

      And Jodie o, you reap what you sow.

      • JodieO

        Promises, promises…   Last year I sowed a big patch of freesia and some cone flowers and I never got to reap those. 

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