Stop reporting me to the FBI
It’s been awhile since Kristen has heard from anyone at LTT, so today we’re fixing that!
Dear Kristen Stewart,
I do not want to kill you. I also have no plans to throw rotten tomatoes at you, deliberately write on your face with a sharpie, or show up at any premier so I may hurl abusive language at you.
Ok, maybe I should back up. It is my understanding that you make a habit of reading blogs and visiting sites about yourself. If this is true, then you have probably seen my photo. I’m not going to post it here as the other innocent people in the photo with me have been abused enough across the internet. So please accept this artist’s recreation. I’m the chubby redhead down front:
Despite the fact that this photo was taken over two years ago some people will not let it go and they continue to hold up my photo as the face of all that is evil and wrong in the world of Kristen Stewart.
I’m not going to sit here and claim to be your biggest fan or try to suck up to you or any such thing because I have no reason to lie to you. The simple truth is, I’m not a fan. I don’t say that to hurt your feelings. It’s just one opinion amongst the millions, but somehow the fact that I don’t want to get down and kiss your Louboutins means to some people that I am a physical danger to you. This could not be farther from the truth. I don’t always understand your personal choices, and I seriously think you should consider having someone help you pick out formal dresses, but these are trifles and certainly aren’t enough to get me to seek you out to do you harm.
I have tried explaining this to ‘fans’ who insist on posting my photo all over the web, but my protestations have fallen on deaf ears. Or blind eyes. Or whatever the heck it is when I type out a plea that goes something like “Please do not post that photo. It is not affiliated with any website. To my knowledge none of the people in that photo have ever threatened the well-being of any actress and are actually quite nice people.” and they respond with “What photo? I don’t know what you are talking about…. LOOK AT THIS PHOTO OF THE HATERRZZZZZZ ZOMG THEY ARE SO SMELLY AND MEAN AND THEY DRESS FUNNY!”
It has been rumored that my photo has been sent to your security team and possibly the FBI (and if they would like to monitor my Twitter account they should stop opening accounts with avi’s of boobs because I automatically block those). In response to this rumor I just wanted to go on the record to say that although I don’t enjoy your work I’m sure you are a lovely girl (when you aren’t telling people to freeze to death or blaming your faults on your teachers) and that if I ever saw you on the street I would be as polite and pleasant as I am to all strangers. Which is to say, I would probably mumble hello, and then fumble with my phone in a socially awkward way and pretend there was something really important that I had to look at.
I do understand though, that it is the job of your security team to protect you from harm, so I will feel no ill-will towards you if Hottie Bodyguard needs to pin me to the ground. And if in my confusion I start to get up and he needs to pin me again, that’s fine by me. The man has a job to do.
What do you think about Kristen’s hoo-ha up above? How about her Beyonce-knock off dress at the SWATH premiere? How hot is that bodyguard? Ugh… am I forgetting any questions?
We promised a giveaway, and a giveaway we are having!!! The winner of our very special Guri/LTT tote bag is:
Congrats BeeDee! Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org & we’ll get your tote out to you!