The Husband and Twilight
Dear men interested in being with me,
Hello. My name is UC & I’m in the market for a new man. Tonight after almost falling to the ground from a dizzyspell and spending the evening going from the couch to the bed, dizzy everywhere I went, I decided I was ready to move on from Mr. Choice. He’s just not cutting it anymore. First of all, it took him approximately 48 seconds to come and help me get up from the bathroom floor after I experienced my first dizzy spell- and then he forced a sugary sweet drink down my throat (note SUGARY, not salty..not what you think) THEN when I asked him to help me with an LTT for today, he said, “No.” It’s OVER. Worst husband ever.
So if you’re interested:
- I’m currently experiencing dizzy spells & it’s either nothing at all or completely serious. We’ll see
- I love cats, cupcakes & Christmas
- I spend an extraordinary amount of time online
- I’d prefer it if you’d look like Robert Pattinson
- And if you were rich
- And a good cook- I like eggs
- And you must want to roleplay as a vampire. I’ll call you Edward- I’ll explain later
- And you must write at least one LTT for me weekly…. I need a break.
Any takers? In the meantime, be jealous of ThePlaneFriend who has a man much nicer than that horrible Mr. Choice!
I have the best husband in the world. Truly. To give you an idea how much I adore this man, I am going to make a shocking confession. I wouldn’t even trade him for Edward. (I would, however, want Edward to teach him the leg hitch).
The Plane Husband (I guess I’ll call him that since I’m The Plane Friend) said he wanted to read Twilight a few days after I finished it. This was because I would barely talk to him on a 16 HOUR plane ride to India as I read it and then New Moon—and then made him take me to the nearest Mumbai bookstore to buy Eclipse and Breaking Dawn so I could finish the series (and then read it over and over and over again). I was in India, mind you, and should have been focusing on something other than vampires. But I couldn’t. (And, as luck would have it, the Indian bookstore had both books in paperback. It saved Plane Husband some money, b/c I would have bought them in hardcover in the US despite his protests to get them from the library).
Plane Husband wasn’t won over as an instant unicorn, but has slowly made his way through most of the series in the past two years in between reading other (more manly, most of the time) selections. He has come to all the movies with me. And he’s rather amusing when he talks about them. See the following:
Husband: “No wonder you like these books so much…this is basically porn for women!”
(I admit that I had been a little more amorous than usual [like wanting to get it on pretty much every day] during the week I lost my Twi-virginity, which I think might have tipped him off).
Me: “So are you going to forbid our daughter from reading them?”
Husband: “Yeah, until she’s married.”
After watching New Moon, in the theater, on opening night, with a lot of screaming teens:
Husband: “I felt like I was in a strip club”
Me: “How would you know? You’ve never been to a strip club, have you?”
Husband: “No, but I imagine it would be a lot like that.”
After watching Remember Me a few weeks ago:
Husband: “You know, I always thought the whole Twilight cast was terrible, but I think Robert Pattinson is actually a good actor now. Is everyone else just really bad?”
Me: “To be honest, I’ve always thought it was a combination of the screenplays, stuttering Kristen Stewart moments, and the impossibility of taking a fantasy novel written in first person and translating it on screen effectively.”
Husband: “I still think it might just be all the other actors.”
In the car this past weekend, talking about Breaking Dawn:
Husband: “I feel like, with this being the last book and everything, there should have been more action at the beginning. Bella narrated the first what, 100 pages? Nothing happened. Now that Jacob’s narrating, there’s finally something going on.”
Me: “What do you mean nothing happened? Edward and Bella got married, they went on a honeymoon, had vampire-human sex, and made a freaky baby. Stuff happened.”
Husband: “It dragged. I mean, c’mon, Edward is really rich, right? I was expecting something more impressive for the honeymoon.”
Me: “More impressive than taking her to a deserted island with a mansion and the bath-water warm ocean? That’s every girl’s fantasy—even without the perfect vampire. You’re with the guy you love. There’s no one around to distract you…or him. You can have sex on the beach in the middle of the day and know that no one is coming around the bend. Plus, I thought the whole description of how Bella was nervous about their first time was pretty spot-on from the female perspective. It resonates with the intended audience. I was worried about all the same things on our wedding night.”
At that point, we discussed our own wedding night a bit. (Which, oddly enough, was August 13th—but we got married back in 2005—so please don’t think I am one of those crazies who would plan my wedding around sharing Edward and Bella’s anniversary—it’s just fun trivia). And no, I won’t share the sexy times part of our conversation with you, either; it’s my personal fade-to-black, thank you very much.
**Toward the end of the discussion** Me: “At least you didn’t have to worry that having sex with me would kill me.”
Husband: “Can we please stop talking about Twilight now?”
And then yesterday as Husband was reading something on the computer:
Me: What are you laughing at?
Husband: I’m on Letters to Twilight. I figured I should read your post.
Me (in shock b/c Husband has been getting annoyed with me as I have been reading the LTT backlogs and he frequently finds me laughing so hard I’m crying/peeing/spraying water out of my nose as I’m staring at the computer screen and he’d like me to laugh at something he wants to take part in. Online Twilight fandom understandably crosses a line for him): You’re on LTT?
Husband: Yes, and it’s the one and only time I’ll ever be on it.
Me: But what if I have more posts on there? You might be in them.
Husband: I’ll read those too. But that’s it.
So what do you think, LTTers, isn’t he the best?
Love a happily married,
LUCKY! Wanna trade!???? Jk…. Mr. Choice is pretty cool……He did just make me chocolate milk (I love being sick enough to be babied but not sick enough that I’m really sick)
What have the men in your life done or said about Twilight lately? Any new Unicorn stories to share!???
All images found from stickers on cafepress!
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