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Hey Twilight, Let me introduce you to these things called cell phones!

Even this thing would have worked

Dear Twilight,

Don’t you think a lot of the mishaps in the Twilight books and films could have been circumvented if these people had cell phones? I mean the books came out in 2006, I’m pretty sure most of us at least had some sort of cheesy flip phone or one of those nokia bricks still. Couldn’t the Cullens with infinite resources, enough to procure a car that wasn’t even in production, spring for the family plan at AT&T?

The Cullen's or Robert Pattinson in 30 years?

Is it just because they’re so old? It’s like my grandparents who leave the house and forget their cell phone and then wonder why no one calls… it’s because we did call but your phone was at home sitting next to the phone ON THE WALL!!! I gotta believe that old vampires who are super into cars and flying around and whatnot would be all about technology… I mean they can’t even sleep what else would you do at 3am besides vacillate between Fruit Ninja and Instagram?

What ever happened to this phone?! Did she get a replacement?

If Charlie put Bella on his family plan and gave the girl a cell he probably could have gotten ahold of her one of the fifty times she ran away and left a note. Sure you don’t have to answer it but you can trace that shit! And what girl in her right mind in 2011 (or 2006ish) is gonna leave home with the celly? Nevermind you might miss a call from EDWARD the hottest dude alive who likes you, who’s going to be driving late at night on slick roads in Forks with crazies chasing you and not have a cell? That’s just common SAFE sense.

This moment = in the top 3 dumbest things Edward ever did

Also what if (movie) Edward hasn’t been a dumbass and crushed his phone before flying off to get himself killed by the Volturi, maybe Bella could have gotten ahold of him and been like “dude, you just got punk’d by Jacob, I’m not dead, don’t do anything stupid like try to commit Vampire suicide. Now get back to Forks and do me cause it’s pretty clear you love me hard.” That’s totally what she’d say. We could have totally saved all those carbon emissions they burned off flying to Italy then stealing a gas guzzling car, letting it idle and then ditching it? This isn’t even a safety or stupidity issue, now it’s a GREEN issue! Capt. Planet would be so disappointed.

Yo Bella, shit's about to go down!

Or imagine if Alice and Jasper had a cell while they were off traipsing through South America looking for Nahuel (did I even spell that right? Sometimes I forget he exists). The could have called once they found him and said don’t do anything stupid we found some proof that Renesmee isn’t an abomination unto the Volturi and we can sorta prove it and maybe people won’t die. But no, we have to convene the UN of vampires and have a non showdown in the Cullen’s backyard all because no one could commit to a two year contract with a mobile carrier of their choice. D-U-M-B.

Can you hear me now??

Srsly, is it things like that make you crazy when you read the books or even watch the movies? This is like another level version of the blue shirt/khaki shirt for me. I mean I GET IT why they’re not really used but COME ON!

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  • gabbacoolio

    You read my thoughts, I was thinking EXACTLY this last time (last week) I read the books. 

  • Anonymous

    You mean whilst Bella was waiting in the Phoenix hotel she should have been waging war with Angry Birds?

  • Anonymous

    I do think that writers need to be more clever these days, the old plot devices don’t work anymore with internet and cells. I remember on Buffy it was a big deal when she finally gave in and got a cell because it was too dumb for her not to have one, and that was 2002, I think.

     (BTW! Any other Buffy fans crack up a bit when Edward is googling How To Love A Demon Spawn and it looks like Alice, Jasper, and Carlisle are doing research, Buffy-style? Carlisle would totally be Giles! Alice is Willow! Jasper is Xander! Hee!)

    • If I was a writer (not in a million), I’d have everything I wrote set in the early 80’s.  I mean, you get to reference Space Invaders and PacMan but you don’t need to worry about all the other techno plot killers.

      • Anonymous

        We just watched Super 8 (my review: It’s ET but more explody! *shrug*)
        and someone commented that it probably was written in the late 70s/early 80s timeframe just for that reason. I think that may be a “thing” from now on.

        • Anonymous

          They don’t need to go back that far though. The 90s were pretty cell phone free for the most part. Later 90s had them for sure, but they weren’t really that widely used yet. Speaking of the 90s, my mom and I were talking about old ladies and their hair, and that it pretty much goes back to when you graduated highschool. I am really looking forward to old ladies with 80s glam band style hair. I will be sporting a lavender awkwardly short banged pixie cut. I look forward to it.

          • Anonymous

            Dying of jealousy. I always wanted lavender hair, but my hair is too dark to dye a light color. I settled for Miss Clairol Super Black, with optional scowl and Wet n Wild eyeliner.

          • Anonymous

            Oh, mine was too, I tried a few times with not much success, and always settled for Manic Panic Plum, but lavender was the dream. I figure when I am old and go white/grey lavender will not be that far a jump. And yes cyndibear, those bangs will be ultra-babies. Crap, I may also have to over pluck my eyebrows….

          • Do overplucked eyebrows ever grow back?  It seems once a woman (or girl) has made this tragic mistake – it sticks with them like a bad tatoo.  True, false?

          • Anonymous

            Or man. Remember Joey from Friends. They grow back, it just time. A very, very long time

          • Anonymous

            Like it! Ahhhh baby bangs… had those too.  Okay so if that’s that trend I’ll be sporting my vintage short-short cut with a huge blonde bang swooping over my right eye and shaved up the back… a la Human League. Come to think of it, that was actually a really easy maintenance look. It’ll be great for my future retired lady on the go lifestyle.

          • Anonymous

            Hmm. I don’t think my drowned poodle perm would work on an 80yr old but the multi-coloured fluro ra-ra skirt might just work

            (I dressed Wham but listened to The Thompson Twins)

          • 40Sumthin

            What about the asymmetrical cut with one side almost shaved & the other side longer & a rat’s tail braid down the back?  Would that work when I’m 80???

          • 40Sumthin

            P.S.  LOVED The Thompson Twins!!!

      • Anonymous

        Charles Dickens set his stories in a slightly earlier time because he didn’t want his characters travelling round by train. Just sayin’

        • TeamSeth


      • Anonymous

        Remember that film from the 80s with Matthew Broderick War Games? It was ever so update and modern with the computer modem – that you put the handset of your phone into and it made the fax machine noise…

        Hang on, does anyone remember fax machines? Anyone?

        • The Old One

          I was reminiscing just the other day with my husband about the AOL dial-up noise.  Ahh, the good old days.

  • Adrienne

    Thank you.  This has bothered me for YEARS!

  • TheColdWoman

    Meh. This never really bothered me. I could do without being able to get a hold of 24/7 sometimes. Side note: Pandora should play Flightless Bird, American Mouth or other Twi song EVERY time I start reading LTT. 🙂

  • oh werd?

    I always wondered that but I excused it in my own mind as nobody could get service up in the boonies there

    • TeamSeth

      That’s fair. It is fairly spotty when you get out of Forks or La Push proper. The Cullens’ house was described as being miles from the main road, so, they’d probably be out of range.

  • Anonymous

    Loved how SM always had Bella describe the Cullen’s phones: small… shiny… silver… but never cellular (or mobile for that matter). And weren’t they always on vibrate? With their vampire hearing… couldn’t set the volume low enough I’m guessing?  Wonder what each of their ringtones could be.

    I’m thinking the fact that Bella didn’t have a cell phone went along with the the fact that she was stuck with an old PC with a dial-up modem.  Just reading how long it took her computer to start up, let alone dial-up… gave me virtual hives. 

    This must be a Charlie thing… he gave her a camera, a ‘film’ camera, for her graduation present. I’m a photographer and love time in the darkroom and all… but jeeze Charlie it’s the 21st century.

    Okay I can’t remember now (the movies are confusing me)… did Renee have a cellphone in the books? Or did she just repel technology in the movies? ‘Cause if she did in the books too… then it’s definitely a Charlie thing.  Dude, you’ll give her pepper spray but no cellphone?

    • Bubs

      Yeah, the old groaning dial-up PC had me “groaning” too. I always wondered why Edward lent her HIS, Mobile Phone [we don’t call them Cell Phones in Australia]. Especially when she was being “babysat” by Jacob at La Push, rather than just give her one. Although in retrospect she did refuse gifts from him….lets just put it down to the fact that Charlie’s pay didn’t cover the cost.

      The thing is, Melissa Rosenberg has once again changed the story line by introducing us to Movie Bella with a Mobile …that woman has a lot to answer for !!!!

      • Anonymous

        Charlie is a) cheap and b) worried that she’ll spend all her time talking to Edward on it if he gets her a cell.  So he refuses.  And she won’t take one from Edward, of course.

        • Conjecture!
          Bella doesn’t have a cellie because Bella doesn’t WANT a cellie.  Bella likes having her whereabouts unknown so she can mess around with DogBoy and SarkleLad.

          • Anonymous

            Ha!  That’s a good bit of conjecture too.  She would totally have to answer to Charlie more if she had a phone.  And she really doesn’t want him to get one because then she’d have to check in when he’s fishing instead of being able to do whatever she wants.

          • Anonymous

            Am I the only nerd that noticed they have Droids in BD, not iPhones?

            Yes. That is likely.

          • You’re the only nerd that even knows the difference.  My cell phone is so old it has a shoulder-strap.

          • Anonymous

            Dude that could be worth money.

            It’s okay… it took years to get me to let go of my Sony brick-phone.
            Didn’t need pepper-spray. This baby doubled as a weapon. The Verizon
            staff literally laughed out loud when I plopped it on the counter the
            day I was finally ready to “upgrade”.

          • TeamSeth

            Same happened to me with my Nokia brick w/ AT&T. Man I miss that phone. $25/month and always solid reception.

          • Anonymous

            Good eye!

            Courtesy of Summit’s “subtle product placement dept”.  The Cullen’s upgrade their phones each movie.

            While Summit’s “not-so-subtle product placement dept” was assigned to Edward’s Volvo… changing models with each movie. Since they were being not-so-subtle, they could have at least given us a glimpse of Edward’s Aston Martin. The hell with “inconspicuous”.

          • TeamSeth

            YES! And the hot chick in Seattle.

          • Anonymous

            Nope. Gadget girls unite!

          • Anonymous

            We s hould have a secret handshake.

          • Anonymous

            speaking of BD (can we still talk about P1?), did anyone not blink during the kiss between Rosalie and Emmett at the end of the reception?! it took me three viewings to catch.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, I finally caught it. And oh dear, Jasper’s smirk. Creeper. My favorite little detail is Edward’s growl when Bella is in her little black outfit, though. HAWT.

          • Anonymous

            mine too. favorite Edward look? the one with the jorts 🙂 he looks so much like first movie-Edward 

          • 40Sumthin

            Took me 3 viewings also to catch that!

          • That’s true – but Sheriff does whatever Sheriff wants, no? 
            I’m not looking forward to having teenage girls.

          • Anonymous

            You have no idea what evil lies before you. Would you like my dad’s number for tips??

          • I’m perfectly happy keeping my head in the sand until they are at least 12.  But I will keep you in mind!

          • Anonymous

            I wouldn’t keep me in mind. It will REALLY scare the beejeebas outa ya

    • TeamSeth

      I think she does not have a cell in the books, that’s why Bella calls her answering machine at the Phoenix house, because she knows that she’ll call it to check messages from time to time.

  • Robsessedgirl

    girlllllllllllllllll, do you think a 600 year old vampire(Carlisle) is going to invest in a cellphone? and Edward is probably like omg no I don’t need a phone I have super hearing! but an iPhone probably wouldn’t have hurt anyone

  • Bubs

    Moon, I love it when you and UC bring up salient points relating to the books. I find everyone’s point of view enlightening and quite often, it has me once again going back to rereading them….. I LOVE THESE BOOKS!!!!

  • TeamSeth

    “That’s totally what she’d say.”

    Actually I hate that type of set up/humor in ANY movie or show (or book). I can’t watch movies like Meet the Parents and I can only sit through Gossip Girl for the prettiness and the exposure to new music (I don’t escucho a la radio) (seriously, I get my new music on VampDi and GG. Omg, that’s horribly embarrassing and I’ve just realized it’s 100% true).  Because it’s just so annoying to watch him paint the cat’s tail so it looks like the old cat. No one would do that! Ever! ugh.  And if my fiance-to-be did that, I’d be like, “Dude, wtf? You’re keeping that cat, you know. And this relationship is basically over…cuz you’re really creepy.”

    Back to Twilight, there’s NO WAY her mother would’ve only emailed her. I mean, NO WAY.

    And if Charlie can afford snow tires instead of just chains, then he can afford to buy her a phone. Plus wouldn’t Renee be paying some form of child support at that point? Her contribution could be “cell bill, so I can actually communicate with her NOT on your slow ass 28k modem, Chuck!”

    Do  you think Stephenie didn’t get a cell right away and this is
    backlash about it? It just reads so Judy Blume in that there’s not a
    cell for Bells or wireless internet. I know they have wireless capabilities in Forks, I’ve used them. I’m surprised Bella doesn’t make phone calls from the pantry for privacy. Rotary Phone!!!

    • Anonymous

      I got the new Don’t Call the Cops album last week. Hot stuff. Been listening to it all day. Yeah, I like to find my music by just like, going to gigs, checking out stuff I can flip my hair to. I totally hate Rachel. Whether it is Rachel from friends, whatever Rachel. Don’t Call the Cops has brain washed me. 😉
      I occasionally watch GG for the pretty. But I’m not quite there with it. The “plot lines” seem to be set to repeat in a big way, and Chucks squint and Serena’s unenthusiastic low talking bother me. STOP SQUINTING AND “PRUNING” CHUCK! Didn’t think of it for the music though….I tend to quit early when I think “this could be more enjoyable after a few glasses of wine maybe”. Like that girl I knew a million years ago that was explaining that she had to be drunk to have sex with men…..hope she figured out she was a lesbian by now.

      • TeamSeth

        YOU DID NOT GET THAT ALBUM! Did you see Jeff Spencer, too?!  God I wish I’d gotten his number.

        GG is always appropriate to watch 2 drinks in. Me, Deschutes brewery, and Gossip Girl = Monday night of awesome. Too bad it’s not on tonight.

        • Anonymous

          Inversion IPA and sweet potato fries. (Yum)

          • TeamSeth

            Love me some Black Butte Porter!

          • Cool chicks talking Twilight and beer.  I have found home 🙂

            It’s very cold outside my house – so I have to side with TS – it is Porter season.

      • Anonymous

        is it just me or does anyone else think that Jasper and Serena share tips on how to be a professional side mouth talker? i can swallow it whe he does it but i just feel like punching her face when she does.

    • Anonymous

      does anyone even watch GG these days for other than the music and the fashion? though i’m still a “faithful watcher” i think i stopped caring about the actual “plot lines” after season 2. that’s when characters became out of character and it all got kinda dull. That is not what i meant when i said i look forward to new chapters of your book like an episode of Gossip Girl. These are awesome!!

      • TeamSeth

        HAHA Suuuuure it’s not what you meant!

        Actually, I started watching GG mid-season 2 seasons ago (um…when Dan’s fake blonde hair little sister was still on the show. Jenny?), so I find everyone to be “in character” still 😉

        I do LOVE how *all of the sudden* Blair is never shown going to college and it’s not explained why. Serena’s taking off the semester, so we know why she’s not in school, but why not Blair? AND what’s with Dan and Nate never going to class any more? Nate’s all “Screw Columbia, I think I’ll just run this company instead, but never formally drop out.”  It just doesn’t make sense.

        ANYWAY. I suppose nothing in GG truly makes sense 😉

  • Anonymous

    I think Bella was all for not having a cell.  Dude, you know how much she got away with because her parents COULDN’T get a hold of her at any given moment?

    Off in the woods with a vamp… no cell, darn, Charlie can’t get a hold of her.

    Heading over to the boyfriend’s house… darn, no cell for Charlie to call and check on her at any given moment.

    Running home to AZ… no cell phone for Charlie to track her down on the way there (Bella didn’t have a cell in the books, and used Alices to leave a message on her mom’s machine) so Charlie had no clue where she actually was

    Running off to “California” to help Edward who’s “in trouble”… darn, no cell phone to call to find she’s actually in Italy throwing herself at vamps, offering herself as a sacrifice.

    Spending the night with “Alice”… darn, no cell for Charlie to call to find out that she’s not actually with Alice but in fact leg hitching the hottest guy who ever lived.

    Spending the weekend shopping with “Alice”… shucks, Charlie cant’ get a hold of her to find out she’s getting spooned in a tent by a hot wolf boy while her vamp boyfriend watches (that sounds a lot dirtier than it was)

    All the teenagers these days are whining to their parents to get cells.  If they were smart they’d avoid them like the plague because not having them gives them a whole lot more freedom to get away with things…. mind you more than half the time with Bella they’re not necessarily things you WANT to have going on, but I’d be on board with the hitching and such.

    • Bubs

      AMEN !!!!

  • But Bella had some sort of cell phone in the first movie….

    • After reading the other comments, I guess I missed where you all were talking about the books and not the movie – sorry!  I know the books came out sometime several years ago, but for some reason, I always thought they were written several years prior to that.  At least that would explain the dial-up and no cell phones in the first book. 

      • Anonymous

        Exactly, if she had a dial up connection that dates it pretty securely in the not everyone had/used cell phones, and probably some people still had beepers territory. It does throw things in the movies off, because they have them, they just don’t think to use them half the time. 
        Edward and Bella’s internet researching bothers me more. Look up “Vampire” or “Vampire mating with human” (or whatever they looked up, it was similar and they made the mistake of showing the search words in BD), and you don’t get ancient legends and illustrations. Really not.

        • TeamSeth

          What do you get when you look up Legend of the Slapping Beaver?

          • Anonymous

            It would have actually been a pretty funny if they had actually showed what happens when you look up Vampirism in Google images maybe without the actual Twilight related pictures. 

  • Anonymous

    “Now get back to Forks and do me cause it’s pretty clear you love me hard.” I’m pretty sure that is exactly what she would have said too.Oh, and maybe Bella isn’t so pro-celly  because she is afraid it that carrying portable electronics gives you cancer. I’m kind of like that. I didn’t really ever use my cell for the longest time for that reason. I still wouldn’t wear a electronic watch for that reason. When you count how many hours I sit in front of a computer, I don’t need to carry that shit around with me on my body…

  • Sagalvr

    This post is brilliant. It’s makes me feel that humans are less weak when that there can be supernatural powers (mind reading, future telling, speed, strength, unlimited money) and still a little piece of circuitry can do what all those can’t. 

  • KAthy

    Technical no way: the Cullens have only Apple computers but no iPhones. That made me chuckle in BD. no way that would ever happen. And somewhere I recall reading that the Cullens modified their electronics so that they could operate touch devices we’d spite their cold skin.

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