A letter to Robsten from a (sorta) outsider

When I read this letter from LTT (and real life friend) Plane Friend I thought “HOW INTERESTING!” Here is the Plane Friend– an LTT reader, a Twilight fan and yet such an outsider to the Robsten-Nonsten drama. She is aware that it exists, of course. She is aware of the “scandal” (how can you MISS it?) but it kinda ends there. She is actually under the impression that no one cares. Like… a normal person.. GASP! And so today I share a letter about Robsten from someone with an outsiders perspective:

I don’t care about this AMAZING fanart

Dear Robsten,

Let me be perfectly clear about something before I begin: I DON’T care about your personal lives. Truly. Unless one of you had died before the last movie had been made, no news about the two of you would have ever made it high on my radar. (Ok, that’s not completely true. Kristen, if you’d been openly dating Rob and then you’d ditched him for Taylor and his gorgeous muscles…that would have made me laugh over the irony).

That said, being a Twilight fan (who loves LTT and misses the days when we were all more frequent posters/commenters etc.), I couldn’t help but be aware of this latest scandal. And it’s amused me a lot. Trampire? Hilarious! (Uncalled for, of course, because it’s a rare Hollywood-type who isn’t cheating, divorcing, or generally being a whore, but still, hilarious).

I know that way back in 2010, UC & Moon speculated that your relationship was a publicity stunt. I have to admit that now that I’m thinking of the two of you at all, here in 2012, I’m convinced that’s what it is.

I don’t think Robsten actually exists—or ever existed. I think the two of you, a horny Cathi Hardi, a brilliant publicist, or just a drunken Buttcrack Santa came up with the idea during the filming of the first movie. It struck everyone as the best way to promote the movies and propel you both into stardom. I mean, seriously, it was smart play. Teenage girls already loved Twilight. You could easily get them in an uproar over two attractive actors dating each other. And after all the media hype when Suri Cruise was born without a picture of her anywhere to be had, someone latched onto the idea of how easy that would be to replicate in a dating situation. Are they dating? Aren’t they dating? Did someone spot you together? Will you kiss at the MTV awards or not? And so, I speculate, the “relationship” began.

Unfortunately for both of you, it’s lasted a looooong time. You were kinda trapped into continuing it, because it was tied to the success of your careers as well as the whole Twilight franchise. And, I hypothesize, you just got used to it. It didn’t hurt that you were both getting paid butt-loads of money to continue the whole ruse.

And then, I think, something truly horrifying happened. The hype died out. Suddenly, most people didn’t care if you were together or not. Twilight fervor has started to wane in favor of The Hunger Games (and, for the teens/20-30somethings who actually read as well as watch movies, for Divergent, Matched, and other great YA series).

So you tried to come out of the non-gay closet. You got spotted together, kissing!

I also don’t care about THIS normal fan art

Still, no one really cared. You’d gotten used to the publicity, Rob had a movie coming out, you want a good showing for the last movie, so everyone started scheming about how to get the media to pay attention to you both again.

So, of course, the best way to do that was to have someone cheat. Rob couldn’t do it—after all, too many crazies are convinced he really is Edward (who would NEVER cheat). And since Bella had her moment of being an unfaithful hussy in Eclipse, that task fell to Kristen.

Now KStew, I don’t know if you actually were involved in any sort of fling with the married director or if he, too, just wanted his moment in the spotlight. Either way, I’d advise against messing with married men. The “trampire” label isn’t entirely unfair, after all. And, you know, we’d all like to see you get married and pregnant someday—if only to get the vision of you as Bella knocked up with the life sucking monster out of our heads. (And because we’d love to see you weigh more than 10 pounds. It would make all of us mothers feel better about ourselves).

Personally, I have to say that the best part about being a non-believer/carer of whether or not Robsten exists AND being firmly rooted in a reality in which I don’t equate your relationship with Bella and Edward’s is a good place to be. Bookward and Bookella will live forever happily ever after in my head, and I’ll enjoy watching that play out on the big screen in November. And whatever publicity stunt the two of you pull from now on probably barely merit a passing glance from me when I see the tabloids in the grocery store.

Although if it’s been a few more years and you’re looking for ideas that would create another frenzy, I suggest this: fall completely off the face of the earth for 6-9 months. Reappear with stories of spending time on your own private island. And get an accessory: a daughter (biological or adopted) that you’ve named Renesmee.

Love from the amused,

Plane Friend

So…. are you “in the dark” like Plane friend? What do you think? 

[Robsten Fan art 1 Robsten Fan art 2]

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