Open Weekend Post: Vampires Suck (or some people think)

The movie Vampires Suck opened this week & Luludee sent us a letter about it just in time!

Dear Twilight,

Imagine the sound effects for THIS bling!

Let me be the first to congratulate you! Or maybe I should be the first to say “Bummer dude.”

Either way, I think we can officially say that you’ve finally made it. No, you haven’t received any Academy Award nominations, nor have you received any “worst movie ever” nominations, at least not that I’m aware. No, something else altogether has happened. You’ve managed to garner enough attention, thanks to all your adoring fans, that civilians have finally taken notice of all the money to be made off of you of your greatness and decided to make you your very own spoof movie.

If this were a just world, Vampires Suck would be directed by Mel Brooks, or at least have the involvement of the Wayans Bros. or Anna Faris. Think of it, you could have gone down in history with the likes of Dracula, Frankenstein, Scream and even
Star Wars! But alas, we live in a world where aging drunken frat boys take care of their younger “brothers”, so unfortunately for
us, this gem comes from the defunct line of fill-in-the-blank [spoof] Movie.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

I dunno, I’m feeling a bit torn. I mean, let’s be real here. We all come to this blog daily to make fun of you. Hell, if we pooled all our talents, we could have written a smash spoof of you. But we would do it out of love. This movie was defs made by and for some resentful husbands. Are those random women in red bikinis supposed to be some kind of objectification lesson? Nice try guys.


Ladies (or Bella) you're in for a real teat, I mean treat!

My guess is that the trailer has the highlights of the movie. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t look funny at all. Admittedly, I chuckled at a few parts – the segway, and the wolfpack raining men in particular; and I saw a clip on tv (that I couldn’t find online) where Jacob sees a cat and chases it. When I did a Google Image Search of the movie, I happened upon a picture of Edward sparkling/blinging, and a half-man, half-wolf version of Jake and noticed that they even included extra nipples. I checked out the IMDB page and I cracked a smile at the change of ‘Cullen’ to ‘Sullen’. A Ken Jeong appearance almost gives me a glimmer of hope. And maybe it’s just me, but spoof-Jasper actually looks menacing at about 0:21. (Spoof-Alice looks scary at 0:14 but for completely different reasons….poor girl.)

And you thought Michael Sheen was scary...

Let’s look on the bright side. We all know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and it could be said that nothing marks
your presence in the annals of film history like your very own spoof movie. Just as Nirvana knew they’d hit the big time when Weird Al parodied “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, so too can you finally rest assured of your success.

Does this mean I will be seeing this movie?

I honestly don’t know. Maybe as a rental.

Don’t judge me.

Laughing at you but loving you just the same,

P.S. Does Summit know about this? Will there be an epic Studio-Showdown over copyright infringement? If so, can you get me box seats?

So..!? What do you think? Will you see it? Have you seen it? I know one friend who has and she said it was pretty funny. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna see it because of this and this alone:

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • Sj

    Jorts pack chorus line, check out those jazz hands. Win.

  • Sj

    The wigs, Edward wheels, Team Jacob shovel girl…I love it without having to see it.

  • I saw it and I laughed. I know the point it to make fun, but I dont think people who dont like/have at least seen the Twilight movies would even get half the jokes. There was some pretty funny stuff about Becca (Bella) trying get to get some sexytime & topical humor.

    It was about as funny as the previews imply. If you dont want to spend the movie, I recommend renting it for a good chuckle.

    And I dont remember seeing any women in red bikinis?

    • oops. I meant “money” not “movie”

      If you dont want to spend the MONEY…

    • MariaCecilia

      No women in red bikinies like in the trailer?? I am outraged! Isn’t that, you know, like false marketing or something? Think of all the poor guys in the audience waiting for the boobs to finally show, and only getting some lame-assed jorts-yobs for their trouble! 😉

    • ICanHandleIt

      her name is Becca??? oh that’s good. Dang it! That is MY name. And *someone* else’s around here too. 🙂

  • Tigerkitten36

    My 6 and 10 year old want to see it, but I think I will have to preview the movie first.

    I hope Buttcrack Santa makes an appearance.

    • Obava

      TK- Not that you asked, but I will give you my opinion anyway. I gauge whether movies are appropriate for my almost 15 year-old by whether I would be embarrassed seeing it with her. I saw this movie and told her she cannot see it- there are some fairly raunchy sexual scenes (especially the one where Edward has a monster boner he’s palming in slo-mo through his pant leg, which I thought was funny- cuz you know us adults are thinking it!- but that doesn’t mean I want my daughter seeing it).

      There was a family in the audience with tween girls and they left a little way into the movie.

      {End of old lady rant}

      xo obava

      • amynkansas

        I went to see it and brought my 4th grade boy with me. Probly shouldn’t have done that but mother of the year award has always escaped me. I loved the movie (but I am pretty immature to begin with). There was a costume contest at the free screening I went to and the guy that won 2nd place looked like Jersey shore edward with glitter. Awesome!! Twihards will get all the jokes but for those arent familar it will be a waste of time.
        no bikinis!

        • Tigerkitten36

          Well ladies, Thanks for the imput.

          I think I will pass watching until it comes out in Redbox for $1 (probaby in 3 months – Nov?) Squee…………… isnt that when Eclipse comes out too!!?

          I hate that the movie industry always puts the funny stuff in the promos and then when you go see it, the rest of the movie is lame and theres nothing else funny. I also hate when all the commericals (together) pretty much show the entire movie too.

  • *twi-nerd alert*

    New Moon did receive a bunch of Golden Raspberry Nominations in the worst movie, actor, actress and chemistry (Rob and Kristen) categories.

    As for this movie, I heard all the fun bits are in the trailer itself, which I admit was pretty funny. But when it comes to watching it, I’ll pass. Maybe when it’s on tv, I might watch it.

  • sjaantje

    As a joke, my husband wanted to go to the midnight showing with a bunch of his friends. I love that he has a sense of humor!
    I did have a friend that went to see it and she said it was funny.

    • dionrenee

      Def something my husband would do!!! Gotta love them!

  • TeamSwiss

    I saw.. “it” .. I only laughed at the same stuff I laughed at when I saw the trailer(s) .. but.. everything else.. kinda…. hmm.. what would they say.. oh yeah.. SUCKS..

    I was dissapointed.. I know a lot of people could have done a better job 🙁

    • MariaCecilia

      Yes – I know UC and Moon would have done a great job writing a movie parody on Twilight. Why on earth doesn’t the movie industry realise this? Takers? Summit? Anyone?

      • TeamSwiss

        Even Rob would watch that

  • MariaCecilia

    *yawn* OK so I’m officially a cultural snob, but I’ve refused to see all and any of those movies that rely heavily on boobs, bad sex jokes, ass jokes, poop jokes, puke jokes, being drunk-jokes,basically movies targeted for a frat and fourteen-year-old-boys-guffawing-together-audience. This seems clearly to be one of them.

    I much prefer the parody and sarcasm I find on LTT, because it’s way more intelligent, much less heavy-handed and less MCP-oriented. (Remember the expression “male chauvinist pig”? When did that go out of use? With Miss Piggy? Heyaaa!!) I would pay good money to see a parody movie scripted by UC and Moon though – wouldn’t you? 😉

    • dionrenee

      The Hangover……if u like to laugh…take the risk

      • Jamie

        I also highly recommend Hot Tub Time Machine. Its like a well written drunken fratboy comedy. It was one of the funniest, and grossest movies I’ve seen in a while You get over the gross factor quickly, and you have the John Cusack eye candy.

  • The only part I really laughed at in the trailer was the Jasper part and the very end. But I won’t pay to see it. My best friend (who likes Rob and Twilight but in NO way like I like them) wants to see it but I don’t.

  • When I first saw the trailer, I laughed, but I didn’t like thinking of all the haters going to see this and laughing. I still saw it with my friends last night. I couldn’t stop laughing. They referenced a lot of the things my friends and I have talked about and I think that’s why it was so funny to me!

  • natashadushi

    I saw it and it was HILAR!!!!!!! You have to see it!!!

  • Obava

    *Raises hand* I saw it.

    Like Maria Cecelia said, I too am a bit of a snob and don’t usually like movies like this with teen boy humor. I laughed at a few parts, but mostly groaned at the stupidity. (I do like the actor playing Jennifer/Jessica- where have I seen her before? And the actor playing Becca/Bella was SPOT ON!). I’m glad I went to see it only because I wouldn’t have been able to stop wondering. But I am NOT rec’ing the movie to any of my friends, and I agree- it sucked.

    And besides, I thought WE were writing the parody of Twilight here at LTT every day- we are way funnier than “Vampires Suck” ever was!!

    • LauraBee

      From the trailers that I have seen, the girl who plays Jessica is the friend on “That’s So Raven”

      • TeamSwiss

        Aah! I kept trying to remember where she was from..

  • chochang

    um no thanks. i’ll take the hillywood parodies over this.

    • Lovespelledbackwards

      I love the Hillywood parodies – But my husband laughs every time he sees that Vampires Suck trailer and doesn’t even smile while I forced him to watch the Hillywood parodies. He doesn’t think they deserve to be called parodies.

      I think I will get stuck watching that train wreck of a movie on DVD, though I admit I laugh at the Vampire’s suck trailer too. Luludee post was perfect, and exactly right on, too bad it didn’t make it to Mel Brooks hands. “But alas, we live in a world where aging drunken frat boys “

  • eatmyjorts

    Please remind me never to eat my luch whilst reading LTT or it could be the last thing I ever do. The Jorts Pack made me choke on my spinach, & then to find out that their Bella is a Becca. Classic. I’m a Becka, & of course UC is one too…obvs the thought of changing a couple of letters whilst reading the tent scene or backbend kiss scene had never crossed my mind before….I swear on Cyn’s Eddie blanket! I would rent this movie, while my hubs is out & hide in the cupboard & watch it on my laptop.

    If only UC, Moon & the Hillywood girls could have gotten together with this budget.

    • Bea

      The fact that you’re swearing on Cyn’s blanket Eddie kills me.
      Backbend kiss… I’d never given any of them that term…

  • yertlesmom

    Okay, I admit after a truly awful week at work, my friend and I went to see this last night. YES, it was stupid. YES, it was not a movie that is worth going to the theater for BUT I giggled and laughed all the way through it! Becca has Bella’s overacting down to a science. And Edward Sullen with his longing looks almost had me peeing my pants. To top off the night–we went out at bought the True Blood naked issue of Rolling Stone. AND it was the most fun I have had in a while!! Go ahead and see it–you will get ALL the jokes!!!! That’s for sure–it is written just for Twilight fans.

    P.S. I LOVE this website and read it every day. UC and Moon you are my heroes!!!!!! And I love all your commentors–this is my first post. I am afraid I can’t be as funny as all of you but I LOVE you all the same!

  • JellyBeanRainbow

    I liked the trailer: chihuaua, BE Peas, dancing jorts, and fake Eddie was kind of pretty ,but no, I’m not going to the movie theatre just for that.

  • I’m with you – the wolfpack raining men is what sold me 100%. Though, I must say, the part where Bella jumps Edward and he smashes a lamp over her head and says “purity ring!” is a close second LMAO

  • Lily

    it was a HILARIOUS movie. the whole thing was funny not just the parts in the commercial and the girls in the bikinis isn’t actually shown in the movie.

  • hepburn

    I’ve seen it and it Sucks! I can appreciate a good parody but these writers are just lazy, I’ve seen spoofs on youtube with not even half the resources that these guys have that are way better…. and I really hate that the same guys that made Epic Movie, Date Movie etc are gonna make a ton of money off of this and its not good at all…

    Seriously guys, save your money watch Scott Pilgrim instead…

    • TeamSwiss


    • ICanHandleIt

      Word. Scott Pilgrim!

  • MelMargaret

    I was going to wait and to rent it when the DVD comes out, but I’m getting forced against my will to see it with a few of my friends. It was a majority vote and I am now screwed.

  • justagirl1237

    yeah, I’ll probably see it. I’ve laughed at the trailers & have heard its funny. I do think its flattering that Twilight is worthy of a spoof & lets face it…this movie is for us, the Twilight fans. Nobody else would get 1/2 the jokes (except our poor husbands & boyfriends)! I think I owe it to my husband to sit through the goofs & boobs. He’s had to sit through New Moon & Eclipse 2-3 times each in the theaters. He’s had to sit in the living room with Twilight & New Moon on an almost constant loop on the TV. He’s been “shhh’d” as I re-read the books. He’s lost all hope of any computer time for a year now as I twitter, read ff and blogs…The boy deserves a little mindless fun 🙂

  • Luludee

    I’m a movie snob too, and I also think it looks like it could be full of teenage boy humor, which is a HUGE turnoff. But I’m also curious. And the mixed reviews here are just making me all the more unsure!

  • i wanna see it because the trailers make me laugh my ace off
    but ill prolly get it at redbox when it comes out for a $1 instead of paying $8 to go to the theater and realize its a really dumb movie hahah

  • i do think it looks completely amazing though
    but im thankful for the comments telling why they thought it was stupid!!!
    its helping me decide whether to wait for it to come out on dvd or paying $8 at the theater so thanks! lol

    • TeamSwiss

      You really only pay 8$ to go to the movies? o.O

      In Denmark it’s more like 15$ .. xD

      • BayWolf

        Er du fra Danmark?? (= do you live in denmark?)
        Wauw… Holds my breath in expectation!!
        (Oh.. And you don’t have to answar if you don’t want to 😉 )

        • TeamSwiss

          Lol.. ja jeg er fra Danmark.. (I’m from Denmark yes) ..

          • BayWolf

            “Fangirl-jumping-around”!! – You’re the first from DK i’ve seen here!! I thought I was the only one!! Well TeamSwiss!! – I’m very glad to “meet” you!! 😀 😀

            Wauaw – This is sooo great!!!

            Hehe – blir helt fjollet nu altså 🙂

      • haha holy craap that sucks really bad i thought 8 bucks was bad lol
        well at some theaters its more like $10
        youre the first person from Denmark ive ever talked to!!! 😀

  • BayWolf

    I’m going to see it – cause I’m that lame.. Have absolutly no taste, and I really think it looks funny..

    And if nothing else – it’s going to be fun for me, because I just LOVE when my husband laughes – and he will laugh at this!!

  • Alice_NaA

    I laughed at the black eyed peas part. I always thought Laurent had something familiar, now I know. He should have given a little boom boom pow when trying to kill Bella.

    • eatmyjorts

      If he boom boom powed I would have wet myself.

  • kristen’s bestie

    I’m going tomorrrow. I laughed at the BEP part as well!

  • Now I’ve got that ‘tadadadadaaaa chihuahua!’ song stuck in my head. Awesome.

  • Maja

    I have seen the movie and I thought it was really funny. But me and my friend (who I did see it with) think that people have to see the movies first, because elseway they maybe don`t get everything 😉

  • SagaDevotee

    Saw it… didn’t hate it. It had some very funny moments. their jacob is SUPER cute. gotta have a sense of humor about it imho.

  • SagaDevotee

    Saw it… didn’t hate it. It had some very funny moments. their jacob is SUPER cute. gotta have a sense of humor about it imho.

  • bookworm

    I saw this and it was pretty good.

  • leghitch

    Wasn’t impressed at all – and WHO the hell would take a child to this?? that’s insane – it has so many curse words and too much sexuality for kids – forget your mother of the year award – get a clue and get a babysitter. I love Twilight to death – but my little guy is staying home – and I recomment you do too!

  • kitkat

    I saw it and I laughed. My friend and I liked that they threw some other vamp references in there too (Vampire Diaries is the bio textbook, because vampires are soooo hot right now). Go with an open mind, and I think you will enjoy it. Plus, the jorts pack is awesome in “Raining Men.”

  • Liz

    I absolutely had to go see it, since the release date was my birthday. I even snagged a free poster from the theater lobby. ;D

    I’ll admit, I was once a movie snob. That changed when I started dating Mr. Boyfriend three years ago. He loves movies with stupid humor. And since, ya know, he puts up with my obsessions, I figured I’d bend and watch a movie or two with him. XD We went to see Vampires Suck and it was HILARIOUS. You really have to have seen the movies a couple times (which he’s suffered through) to really catch all the jokes. I dunno…to me it seemed pretty much made for the fans, because a lot of the time, I was laughing, and the kids behind us that had obviously not read/seen/practically heard of Twilight were all going “Huh?” in the background.

    If you’re not up to spending the big bucks to see it in theaters, definitely rent it! If you give your movie snobbery a break, it might just surprise you. =3

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