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Breaking Down Breaking Dawn Vanity Fair Style

Reminder note: There are THREE auto-playing video ads- two in the side, one ALL the way below. Hit the volume button ONCE & it should mute them for eternity. 

Dear Breaking Dawn,

It’s been TWO WEEKS since you came out to the public & we’ve sighed with you, cried with you, fell in love with you, been jealous of your immense wealth and now… well, it’s time to laugh at you. No, this isn’t a Break Down of the entire movie.. we do have lives, but it is a break down of some of our most favorite parts! Someone give Billy Burke & Anna Kendrick an Oscar already!

Watch out! Anna is about to kill it

UC: Moon. It’s been two weeks. And I gotta be honest.. we were in a “Breaking Dawn was SO GOOD (as compared to the other movies” haze for awhile there…. How are you feeling? I mean how are WE feeling, since we’re the same person usually except you have better hair? And I love cats more
Moon: HA. my one quality. Its been a week and some change, I’ve seen it 3 times and I gotta say I’m still feeling good about it
UC: Me too
Moon: it’s held up every time and each time I found something different to like… and also some things that made me go HUH?! cause it wouldn’t be a twilight movie without a few things we laughed at
UC: it would be SAD if we didn’t laugh I’d quit probably!!! Hear that movie makers (aka Stephenie & Wyck who we like to think loves us)??? Don’t make BD Part 2 too good
UC: I mean… I feel good enough that I’ve kinda been defensive (in my head- never out loud. I keep that baby tucked inside) when I hear criticism
Moon: oh i defs get defensive but i think it’s just because all the years of keeping it in wore off
UC: did you go ape shit on some 12 year olds who were complaining Jacob didn’t get enough screen time?
Moon: right, Steph & Wyck: PLEASE make sure to include some easter eggs for us. Some laughs. Some jessica stanley goodness too
UC: SERIOUSLY… a dream sequence or something… i dunno how else she’ll be in it
Moon: cant EVER let a movie go by without anna kendrick KILLING IT
UC: make Bella DEF run into a tree her first time running around. The Spider Monkey tree- FULL CIRCLE Y’ALL
Moon: jessica could be a Volturi wife. i don’t care
UC: Speaking of that.. Guaranteed Anna’s contract has a stipulation that says “okay- she’ll do this film BUT only if you let her Kill it AT LEAST ONCE. But probably more like 3 times”
Moon: and lauren mallory could be the other. she’s never been in any other twi film, but why not whip her out for the last one??
Moon: Anna’s contract includes her being able to be awesome and probably ad lib any of her lines. cause she’s better than the script

The Dexter of Vampires

Moon: Can I mention the flashback of edward being the “Dexter of vampires??” Though i totally loved the look/feel of the scene and well it’s Rob, i could have totally done with someone else’s backstory AND is that even in the books???
Cause i just thought he ran away from carlisle to be a bad boy for a few yrs. never that he was off killing bad guys
UC: Umm.. i THINk he was.. but I don’t think she ever went into detail?
Moon: its like mel mel stole a line from her own tv show
UC: HAHA she got confused a second.
Moon: her assistant mixed in a page from one of her dexter scripts
UC: She was like… wait.. the Ice Truck killer is in this script? This must be Dexter
Moon: also did that hat Edward was wearing even fit?? Robert must have my problem: big head syndrome – its hard for people like us to look good in hats

Catherine Hardwicke, on Screen

Moon: Also can we talk about how charlie / billy burke knocks it out of the park EVERY damn time??? its like him and anna kendrick in a battle for the 6th man award of the twilight cast
UC: YES. and win. Tied . Every year
Moon: put them in coach!!! EVERY TIME. i mean the misty eyes and the joke about Renee being old
UC: Yessss
Moon: and “don’t let me fall, dad…” “never” DIE. DEAD
UC: What a perfect mustached ma

Got a notice from the neighbors about needing to wear more clothes...

Moon: wait, first can we go back to renee and her slutty shorts???
UC: Yes- and how she FOUND OUT about the wedding from an invite?
Moon: is that for REAL???

UC: also…. do you feel like she is Catherine Hardwicke on Screen? Cuz i do
Moon: YES! I mean the Cullen’s didn’t even call her mom? or as renee’s too busy cutting the legs off her old denim bell bottoms to pick up??
UC: she lost her cell phone again. she’s no longer “Texting” She was with Cathy the Cougar at Happy Hour. Every day. And night. And morning actually. Loves mimosas
Moon: oh 100% renee is the embodiment of Cathi: the beach house in venice, the straw cowboy hat… all she’s missing is a drum circle in her front yard
UC: Gift idea for the Edward Cullen Family to give Grandma!!
Moon: some damn clothes — and a new djembe drum
UC: or maybe a framed picture of the first time Renesmee read her mind. Which was the last time Edward allowed it, since Renee was thinking about Phil without his baseball uniform on.

Moon gets WAY confused

Moon: OK i have a question since i’ve read BD the least
UC: Okay
Moon: in the book didnt renee and phil have a kid and bring him to the wedding???
UC: whattt?? really?? they have a baby???? Maybe?? worst fans of the year right here?
Moon: or am i confusing breaking dawn with the princess diaries??? [ Long pause] yea it’s defs the princess diaries. cause renee and anne hathaway’s mom are essentially the same person to me.
UC: hahahahahahhaha. did you google it?
Moon: WHOOPS had a rick perry moment there
UC:you’re right. that’s totally princess diaries
Moon: so yea renee and phil DO NOT have a child and bring him to bell and Edward’s wedding in Genovia. Where bella’s gran, julie andrews, is the queen. YEA that DID NOT happen
UC: they do sing songs at the bachelorette party though, right? And slide down the stairs? rose, Alice & Bella?
Moon: oh they def do some stair surfing with mattresses from their beds. with raven simone
UC: That’s SO Raven!
Moon: Bella kinda IS Mia Thermopolis minus the brows and the whole royal blood thing
UC: hahaha.. please tell me you just read her name and didn’t remember it
Moon: Oh No… I remember it..
UC: I’m so proud. Our very own “Princess Diaries Dork of the Day” right here…

The virgin tux

Moon: ANYWAYYYY back to the wedding which was like the BEST EVER!!! So in bella’s dream about the wedding…i like the subtle nod to edward’s virginity with his all white tux… which no man has ever looked good in. Its like welcome to 1981!!!
UC: A virgin in 1981. So hot
Moon: he was only missing a mullet
UC: And the dress… I mean… it’s like they WANTED us to freak out & think WTF IS THIS DISASTER, and then wow us with the amazing REAL thing
Moon: it was nice but it was too modern/david’s bridal… i mean ALFRED ANGELO/mall type dress. Too generic for Bella’s dress
UC: they wanted people to ALMOST walk out
Moon: i like that it was strapless because it made bella look like she was walking down the aisle naked for a few secs. like those awful dreams here you show up to class naked
UC: i know. I liked that. Because for a hot second I thought we might see Edward Naked. Then I thought for another hot second about what a cold, white penis might look like. And got scared
Moon: instead we see them on a pile of bodies. AMAZING
UC: And then I was glad it was a dream sequence. Didn’t want to be more scared than I am of normal penises. Also I just made it seem like I only like Black penises, which is true
Moon: i wanted them on top of the bodies to be their cake topper, thats what it made me think of
UC: I thought black penises. you thought cakes
Moon: i’m purer than you
UC: so much purer. White tux purer
Moon: ok so besides the replica bella’s dress, they should sell the bella and edward bride and groom on top of dead bodies as a cake topper in stores. SYNERGY! Are you listening marketing dept??? i know you are.
UC: of course they are. or at least the company that made that vampire dildo is. Still waiting for our commission checks on that one!!
Moon: Srsly. we’e talked about the VAMP enough. I hope they at least sent one to rob. great white elephant regift for him– and make everyone think they modeled it after his REAL… thing

Less Penises, after the jump!

Charlie’s a Great Cop

I'm such a great cop

Moon: The Speeches were up next!! the BEST EVER!!! that scene made me laugh out loud every time i saw it. Especially charlie… “cause i’m a cop… i hunt things…” “though i haven’t figured out i’m in the home of vampires, my daughter is marrying one and they’re feuding with my best friends son and his gang of WEREWOLVES. I’m TOTALLY a great cop guys. really.”
UC: “I clean my gun. While Drinking. I’m a great cop guys”
“My daughter disappeared and went overseas & I never investigated why. I’m a great copy guys”
Moon: “My daughters bedroom window is always open and we live in washington where it always rains and is like 20 degrees and I’ve never noticed I’m a great cop guys!”
UC: “She has sleepovers with her boyfriend every night & I’ve never noticed- and I’ve even walked in there & he just hid behind the door- i’m a great cop guys!”
We get it. Charlie’s a great cop…. Who gives even GREATER speeches
Moon: FOR REALZZZ. maybe he should be a speech teacher instead of a cop. JUST SAYING

Go back to Canada, Jake!

Congrats guys! Have you seen my phone?

UC: so then they get married…. and party.. and JAKE shows up, and gives Bella the cutest bear hug of all time
Moon: and makes me want to cry… pink cheeks… heart beat.. STOP IT JAKE!!! go back to canada i cant DO THIS!!
UC: I mean. they are cute together. like brother sister- “i’m gonna fall in love with that thing that is currently an egg traveling through your fallopian tube”- like. I mean seriously.. probably AT that moment the egg started to travel, right? It probably started b/c Jake was near
Moon: she should check her iPeriod App. She should know she’s ovulating
UC: oh sister does NOT have one of those… we know that for a fact- things that you don’t know when you’re 18 and get married. or b/c her mom is a flake and never taught her
Moon: and that weepiness isn’t because of jake or the wedding or the best day of her life etc. Thatss why we have apps for this shit now. ABSENT PARENTING!!! Renee’s too busy launching her over 40 karaoke night in jacksonville at the local Fridays to tell Bella about ovulation. THANKS iPERIOD
UC: she would’ve texted if she could, but … well, we know what happened to her phone (actually we DON’T know that’s the problem…)
Moon: renee left it in the batting cages during twilight and forgot. since she repells technology and all
UC: wait.. do we SEE Phil? i forget
Moon: other things she repels: motherhood, pants, talbots and chicos. we see him next to her at the wedding but thats it. e could be in Biil Tancredi’s Rascall Flatt’s cover band for all i know. Kinda looks the tyoe [UC/Moon note— a story we STILL haven’t told..!]
UC: Yeah. big muscles. probably plays a decent Bass
Moon: apparently he was at the premiere and i probably called him security and asked him to remove the weird french camera guy and reporter lady from behind us. TRUE STORY!! i really have NO clue what phil looks like.
UC: I really hope the guy you thought was security WAS the real life Phil. I would’ve loved that. That’s like if asked Solomon Trimble at the after party to refill our champy!!!
Moon: oh and i definitely think I asked asked Solomon Trimble to give me some of those eggrolls the Pattinsons loved so much

Who was… THAT?

Moon: ok so i have a burning question…. no, i’m not ovulating.. My question is WHO THE HALE was the random wolf in the wolfpack who just showed up in a sleeveless plaid shirt?! like they NEVER explained who he was– just a little wolf guy who appeared in the group. Are they recruiting at the high school now or did they put an ad in shapeshifter magazine? Maybe it was take your little cousin to work day on the rez?
UC: HAHAHAHAHHAHA. Was he with Jake? I don’t remember him. It’s NOT boo Boo?
Moon: No.. not Bo-Bo. some other random. I’m trying to find a group pic. dude someone needs to cap the whole movie!!! this is the most annoying part of a new movie coming out

Bella was born this way

Edward I was BORN this way- with things sticking out of my cheeks

Moon: So pregnant emaciated Beller looked AMAZING and scary and creepy
UC: SOOOOO creepy.. Like is this Twilight’s Oscar? Make up people?
Moon: i heard she lost some pounds to help out with the emaciated look which i don’t know where she lost it from since she’s like a buck ten soaking wet
Moon: they should get a nom. her face looked crazy. i mean clearly they put on some prosthetics to make it super gaunt
UC: can they do that? make you look GAUNT by adding things? I thought there was awesome shading of makeup too
Moon: there was only a few times when i was like what is that thing sticking out of her cheek?? made me think of lady gaga when she was doing that prosthetic make up. i kept thinking renesmee was gonna jump out of Bella and they were doing to sing and dance to Born This Way
UC: hahahahaahaha what an appropriate song

That’s all folks! What did we miss? Still lovin’ the movie?

UC & Moon

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • Kc0079

    Awww this is just what I needed to help me get through this long Friday! Love you girls!!! 🙂

  • Mrs. Smith

    I loved the movie. I notice something new every time I see it. I totally missed Emmett and Rosalie making out when Edward and Bella leave the reception the first two times I saw the movie. 
    I assumed the new werewolf was either Collin or Brady. I’m not sure though. 
    Great recap girls! You two crack me up. 

    • suzyb49

      I saw that last time I went too!

    • Yeah, I saw that. I thought it was super random, but I figured maybe it was supposed to be like…Emmett and Rosalie were so inspired by their love and it reminded it of their own wedding. OR Nikki was just trying to make Rob jealous. Either one. 

      • Bubs

        “OR Nikki was just trying to make Rob jealous”…more like it !!!!

  • RobRomCov

    OMG!  This was hilarious, I love it!  As for the random shapeshifter .. in the book at the end when they’re going to “battle”, Bella notices a lot more wolves are in the pack.  I’m assuming they put him in Part 1 to roll into Part 2 nicely.  Kinda how they put Irina at the wedding, when in the book she never showed up.  Speaking of Irina, is that chick fugly or what.  I thought all vampires were supposed to be hot?!

    • KStewBoy

      I agree with Irina looking BAD.  But again, that’s due to Summit’s super-skills at making attractive people look fugly.  The actress is Maggie Grace – who, in real life is all kinds of hotness.  Kudos, Summit!

      • TeamSeth

        It was really her creepy bug eyes that were the train wreck. I kept hoping for another wide so I could focus on Camargo instead of her eyes.

        • Anonymous

          I thought it was the blonde hair and golden makeup with the contacts on the Denali clan. They did not work for me.

  • Carooltje

    There a two new pack members, two little boys. I believe their names are Colin and Brady, or something like that. Only read the books twice, so not 100% sure.

    • Anonymous

       There’s one: http://twitpic.com/7n5pgd

      • Anonymous

        Awww. Cute ickle wolf-cub

      • Themoonisdown

         OMG that pic is ALARMING! put a shirt on child.

        • TeamSeth

          Something is weird with his hands too… like are they there?  They look slightly blurred. Maybe it’s my computer?

  • Cazza

    THIS MADE MY DAY!! ——> UC: make Bella DEF run into a tree her first time running around. The Spider Monkey tree- FULL CIRCLE Y’ALL
    I’ve heard that you can see Bella’s nipple in the bedroom scene.  I obviously need to return to the cinema, remove eyes from Ron’s back and mole count survey, and look for the nip that got away from editing!

    As Mrs Smith mentioned below, I missed E & R making out as the newlyweds drive by on my first/second viewing.  I finally noticed on *cough* the third viewing or was it the fourth?

    So anyway, great review of the some of the key parts!  I look forward to  your wolf talking analysis…….


    • KStewBoy

      I’m off to my second viewing tomorrow night.  Cazza, I will DEF. have a report on any sightings of Bella’s nipples (or side-boob, or bum, or vajajay).

      • Anonymous

        I totally saw nip when they were doing it in one of the flashbacks (I think it was that part). My mom said it couldn’t have been, but it was. RP did mention in an interview that they could show part of a nipple in PG13, and it was from the side. I do not remember any vajajay flashing 🙂

    • Justthetip,EH?

      NIPPLE!! I swore I saw some sort of nipple cover when she was remembering the night before. When they are sitting up, shes on the right…. I thought I imagined it! Now I have to see it again…..

      • TeamSeth

        It’s there. I specifically looked it for it last time I watched. No guarantee it’s really a nipple, but… it’s the right location and color.

  • adrienne

    This was funny on all levels – especially “UC: I thought black penises. you thought cakes” and “Moon:  iPERIOD”!

    I’m being nitpicky here but, anyone else bothered by Renee’s house on the beach on her husband’s semi-pro baseball player salary?

    • Anonymous

      Wasn’t too bothered about Renee’s house – I thought it was too obviously “house on studio backlot”. Definitely all the moola went into Bella’s emaciation, not the sets

      • TeamSeth

        Though, I still want the house in Brazil. Those doors?! AMAZING.

    • TeamSeth

      Not on Jax Beach, no. I just looked up house prices there…based on how they make the water look, it’s clearly the intercoastal or St John’s River and NOT the ocean… (my mom’s family lives in Jax Beach area)

      • TeamSeth

        I mean, clearly it’s the ocean…but it couldn’t be the ocean in Florida (is what I meant)

  • Nelle

    Ladies- you nailed it! Genius breakdown. A few things I thought of when reading it.

    -I think I remember the Edward back story being in Midnight Sun- that incomplete manuscript that we hope SM DOES NOT finish.

    -Renee and Phil with a baby.  Isn’t that in a fan fic?

    -The criticism of the movie.  I feel defensive also.  I’ve seen it 3 times and am going soon for the 4th.  I can find a lot to criticize in all the other movies, and I don’t feel that I am blind to the “shortcomings” in the books and the movies- but really- BD was so good- the acting, the sets, the adaptation, even the music (and I wasn’t a fan of Carter Burwell’s Twilight music).  I agree with Bill Condon who said that the haters just don’t value stories/movies that are important to women.

  • Anonymous

    Yay for Friday breakdowns!

    Can I start with the animated M&M joke shown before my second viewing?
    “Why do they use British actors as vampires?’Cause they’re suave and debonaire?No, ’cause they burn up in the sun…”

    And now the Twinerd breakout: pretty sure Eddie’s backstory is explained in Midnight Sun – one of his tortured not good enough for her bits – when he recalls his justification of his killings as being a God-complex.

    One of the things I’m looking forward to in Part II is more Charlie! Maybe they’ll slip Jessica in on the visit home at Christmas. Or maybe when Bella visits J Jenks Jess’ll be the receptionist…

    Really can’t be waiting twelve months for Part II! How rude!!
    (Except it keeps LTT going for longer…)

    • KStewBoy

      Um – I’m gonna go super-twi-nerd here.  Eddie’s backstory is actually in the first 3rd of Twilight.  I only know that ’cause I finished again it recently (now moving onto NM).

      • Anonymous

        Dang. Now you’ve given me an excuse to read them again. Ain’t that a shame

      • Anonymous

        OMG KStewBoy. Are you trying to seduce us all right this moment? Because it’s working.

        • KStewBoy

          You’ve caught me… guilty as charged – using my TwiBook reading as a way to get into all of your skirts.  Ain’t nothin’ that turns a girl on like a guy who reads New Moon in bed.

          • Anonymous

            You have no idea how true this is.

          • Anonymous

            Not only the book you’re reading well 😉

          • Anonymous

            Hmm, realised I’m getting a bit creepy there. Please note I’m only doing so playfully with the full understanding of how Edwarded you are over Mrs KSB. That and it’s fun 

          • KStewBoy

            SP – no creepiness taken!

  • Stacey

    You girls are so silly! Love your thoughts about Breaking Dawn! I must admit that my favorite speech was Renee singing to Bella. You just know she was hitting up the open bar.

    I will have to admit I wasn’t to thrilled with Bella’s wedding dress. It did fit Edward’s time period, but just ‘blah’. I kind of liked the first one better or maybe it was just the whole aspect of the creepy dream wedding. That dream was scarier than anything in New Moon.  

    • operarose

      I kind of liked the first (dream) wedding dress, too!

      There was something about the “real” wedding dress that, although elegant and unique, seemed a little too grown-up for an 18 year old. I know Bella is supposed to be an old soul and all of that, but Kirsten is already playing a role that is younger than she is and so to put her in a slightly matronly dress only highlighted that discrepancy. It was a little disappointing.

    • Nelle

      Renee singing! Hysterical!  All the speeches and the way they cut them were wonderful! Loved Edward casually holding the glass of wine too.

      • TeamSeth

        That may have been the first time I was really attracted to Edward in the movies.

        I also LOVED Emmett’s speech w/ its extremely awkward ending.

        • Anonymous

          First time being attracted to Edward in the movies. You need a chip for this.

    • TeamSeth

      WHOA. Did you see the cut scene dream from NM? It wasn’t on all the versions (it’s not on mine–I’ve only seen it once on my sister’s copy… RachelB: where did you buy your NM DVD?)  It’s sooo creepy. It makes this dead  pile of bodies (without any reference to the vampire baby concept WTF!!!!!!) look like child’s play.

      For me, the dream was an issue because the real wedding mirrored it too closely… Up at the alter, big moment of love, all the audience members have disappeared,  UM WHAT?!   It totally pulled me out of the kiss because I kept thinking, “Where are the audience members?!”  Of course, it was all “we’re so into each other we forget the rest of the world exists” feelings intended…but instead I got some major rose petal concerns for that solid 43-second long kiss (someone please time it. It’s really, really long — like tacky long. If  I went to a wedding and they kissed for that long I’d feel really uncomfortable).

      I didn’t like the real dress that much either. I loved the back, that was it. But I didn’t like the dream dress at all. So… /shrug  Loved her wedding exit outfit though…maybe the shoes mostly. They were some sexy shoes.

      • Anonymous

        Hey TeamSeth! I already emailed you about this, but just in case you don’t check your email: i read 7: 30 P.M, it was unsurprisingly great and i absolutely loved it. Can’t wait to read the next one!

        • TeamSeth

          Thanks!  Wait, you emailed me?! I don’t think I got it 🙁  you sent it to goteamseth (at) gmail?  Is your email name something I’d recognize?

          • Anonymous

            i sent it to your…i guess (official?) e-mail, the one to contact TeamSeth the writer 🙂 very interesting bio btw.

          • TeamSeth

            Oh noes! Yeah…that one is getting lost in cyberspace for some reason. It should be forwarding, but it’s not…and that computer’s harddrive died, so I can’t access via that. SIGH. It’s all sad. So, if you want to email, just send to goteamseth at gmail 🙂

            And thanks again. I’m glad you’re enjoying so far.

          • TeamSeth

             haha, “very interesting bio”  😉  You didn’t realize how into cassette tapes I was, huh?

      • Anonymous

        It was long in the book too, everyone had to keep clapping and clearing their throats, which they kind of did in the movie, they just didn’t look very embarrassed. That Bella, always being sucked in by Edward’s magic sweet breath. I have a way with words, don’t I?

        • TeamSeth

          Wow, I really need to re-read BD, huh?

      • Anonymous

        Hey TS can we read it too? Pretty please? Promise I’ll be good (well, ish)

      • youweregone

        That cut dream scene in NM!!!! I remember, really really creepy the way she talks in Edward’s voice! worthy of any horror movie, should have been left in the movie, I think.

  • Anonymous

    There’s a period app? Totally setting up my daughter with that!

  • Anonymous

    It’s not a discussion of Twilight without some mention of black penises…wait, what? And I would straight up get remarried to Mr. Slut again if we could have a dead body cake topper. 

    • Anonymous

      YES? Why didn’t we wait until after this movie to get married?!

      • Anonymous

        I think an LTT meet up/group wedding ceremony is in order.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t think they’ll have the cardboard wedding set up again next year, we’ll have to improvise. On the up side, I’m sure they’ll  have something just as embarrassing for us to do. My friend has requested that I do something so embarrassing on film that it goes viral. Tall order.

          • Anonymous

            You know I am willing to help with this in any way. Especially if mojitos are involved.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah baby! And with our large numbers of the ladees maybe we should do it in Sydney… looks like some about-time-legalisation may be happening soon.

          • Anonymous

            YAY for good legislation! We’ve had it in my state for a while now, and society has not, in fact, collapsed.

  • The Old One

    Nightmare wedding sequence:  so WIN!  I read somewhere that the dress in the nightmare was supposed to be Bella’s idea of what the worst wedding dress would be for her–cheap-looking and uncomfortable.  And did the real actors pile up in the dead body heap, or were those rubber replicas?  Please say they all piled up on each other and were giggling and touching each other inappropriately.

    And the little moment I’m sure Bill put in there just for us:  The camera lingering on the trash can where Edward is tossing the empty blood packs–the can is almost full–the lid closes slowly–aahhh, nice.

    I wish they had shown Edward actually biting the pillow (whatever happened to Pillowbite 2011?), that could have been a very erotic moment and totally gotten past the PG-13 problem.  Next time.

    • Anonymous

      I like the biting the pillow thing, too but…a gay dude (Bill)  is going to be aware that “Pillowbiter” is a slur on gays. I can’t imagine Steph knew about that, being a sheltered Mormon and all, but…it’s a thing. I noticed it the first time I read it…like…”what?”

      So, I am glad they left it out, because we don’t need that sort of thing getting out to the vicious public. All the frat boys are already, “Twilight is gay.” (thanks for the thoughtful critique, frat dude!)

      • The Old One

        Oh man, they totally had to sidestep that one!  Good thinking.  Now I’m hip to the lingo, too.

      • Mrs. Smith

        I had no idea! I was missing that being in the movie too, but I am willing to sacrifice that scene if it gives the haters a little less to criticize. 

      • Anonymous

        You are so right! I’m a fag hag from way back and hadn’t even thought of it. Is it possible to do a Benjamin Button with naivety?

        • TeamSeth

          “to do a Benjamin Button” is now my new favorite phrase.

        • Anonymous

          “I’m a fag hag from way back”….*snuggles you*

      • KStewBoy

        Mr. Condon is gay?  I am so out of  touch… and that SOO gives the frat boys more ammo.
        Bunch of morons.  Go watch Transformers for the tenth time.

        • Anonymous

          It’s shit like this, KStewBoy. Mrs. KStewBoy better recognize. *swoony eyes*

          • KStewBoy

            Right back at ya, MNS.  Right back at ya.

  • Vampmedic

    This is why I read LTT all the time. Y’all are so great. I can’t imagine not having your break downs all the time.

    Thanks for making my Fridays.

  • Suzyb49

    Wait that picture you have here of Edward and Bella with Renee was not in the movie?
    I’ve seen it 4 times and am still loving it.  I remember getting more disappointed the more I saw Eclipse.
    Am I the only one that didn’t notice that Reneesme bites her the first 2 times I saw it?
    I also noticed the quartet played “My Love” by Sia at the very beginning of the reception. I’m a sucker for them bringing the old songs back.
    I think her cheeks and body were CGI that’s how it looked to me the last time I went.

    • Nelle

      I SO agree with you about Eclipse- the more I watch it the more disappointed I am.  There are some good scenes though.  And I also loved bringing back some of the old music.  Everyone in the theater did an “aawww” when they started “Flightless Bird” at the wedding.  And although I wasn’t a big fan of Carter Burwell’s Twilight score- I did like how they incorporated it into some of the scenes- especially toward the end.  I thought it was touching.

      • TeamSeth

        Yes! The Lullaby incorporation was so great. It made me feel good all over. Ok, not ALL over 😉

        • Anonymous

          Bella’s lullaby doesn’t make you randy beyond belief?

          • TeamSeth

            There goes the coffee. Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      My Love – YES!! I noticed this too but no one believes me, thank you, thank you, thank you for making me look NORMAL  😉

    • TeamSeth

      They’re playing “My Love”!!!!  Thank you!!! I was trying to place it last time I saw it and couldn’t.  I loved how they did some throwback music… because really, at a wedding, you throwback to music that’s meaningful to you and your spouse!

  • Pingback: Letters to Twilight()

  • Sagalvr

    Moon and UC, you have me on the FLOOR laughing! The part about Melissa Rosenberg mixing a Dexter script page into Breaking Dawn is classic 😀 And Edward does consult Carlisle for all his crises of conscience like Dexter talks to Harry…

    Other snortlaugh-inducing goodies–hot 80’s virgin in a white tux and the entire Charlie being a good cop riff–THANK YOU!

  • Anonymous

    So much win in this post! Moon, I knew you were going to make a Dexter joke, because I TOTALLY thought the same thing.

    I’ve still only seen the movie one time!! Fan FAIL! I’m going to hit my friend up to go to a matinee with me tomorrow. If she can’t, I’ll go by myself!

  • I love this post!! Can’t sto laughng “i think cake, you think penis” “I’m purer than you” “white tux pure”
    Mooon and UC FTW!

  • am I the only one that thinks they should have swapped Maggie Grace with Myanna’s character? Isn’t Myanna’s version of Tanya a bit old to be going after Edward? lol

  • Nelle

    This is off the “funny bits” break down, but I have to say I LOVED it that in Bella’s flashbacks as she was changing that we got to see Cafeteria Edward. Such a major WIN as that is such an important image not only to Bella but to the fandom.

  • Funny post! And yes, def still loving the movie.
    Another way in which Renee is like Cathy H: Both are way too interested in Kristen/Bella’s love life. Like, remember how in the first movie, Renee was all “Spill!” on the phone, and how Cathy H. was always talking about the two of them and their “chemistry.” Just a thought…
    -Julie, julie999.blogspot.com

  •  Sooooo when are you guys gonna break down the Honeymoon? I know it’s coming…come on, we all want it…

    • TeamSeth

      It’s coming… I don’t want you to come.

      Okay, I just realized we can’t make cock block jokes anymore about Edward because he sparklepeened her twice. That’s terribly sad.

      • Anonymous

        Just wait til Part II – wey hey! 

        Gotta remember to put sparklepeen in the Twisaurus

        • KStewBoy

          Innocent question: Does that mean that in BDII, Bella will have a sparklevejay?

          • Anonymous

            One assumes. They won’t show it (PG13 and all) but maybe a subtle glow from under her skirt when she’s not wearing panties? Wow, now I really want that to happen. That would be epic.

            Speaking of panties, I am listening to Turning Page right now and getting a little swoony. <3

          • Anonymous

            Why yes indeedy! And when they get together, sparks will fly.

            It gives a whole new meaning to vajazzling. Oh dear, mind spinning…

      • Anonymous

        Unrelated to Sparklepeen: The wolf pack talking fight was so funny the second time I cried a little bit. 

        • Teamseth

           It’s even better when you imagine Sam wolf saying, “More than meets the eye!”

  • Anonymous

    I have been waiting for this so YAY for you two!  Best part ever was the speeches both in the movie and here ‘Broken Down’!  Charlie “I’m a cop, I know stuff” hilarious but your little dialogue – FTW

  • “White tux purer” is the new Tweed Serious!

  • Anonymous

    Bella = Mia Thermopolis is hilarious.  
    As an aside, while the Princess Diaries movies are… Disneyfied… the movies are pretty stinkin’ hilarious.  Worthwhile reading.

    • TeamSeth

      Wait, the books you mean? Or you mean to read the script? #confuzzled  I love the first movie…didn’t think it was overly Disneyfied.

      • Anonymous

        The movies, especially the first, are definitely not horrible.  But they’re VERY distantly related to the books, which have a very different tone.  In fact, some of the later books in the series joke about the ‘totally inaccurate bio-pic’ made about her.  In any case, the books are a good read… but they’re embarrassing to take out of the library because they covers are bright pink with sparkles and crowns.

        • Anonymous

          We laugh in the face of first-hand embarrassment!

          • TeamSeth


  • Anonymous

    LOVE it!!! xoxoxo

  • Blondieinco

    “Drinking beer while cleaning his guns – ’cause he’s  a good cop!”  Love this!!!  I just saw it again for the 4th time today (I keep telling myself I”m just going to keep going until I get it out of my system – wait, that sounds like a TWSS)  Anyway – I am still loving this movie – I still get giddy and nervous even though I know what’s coming up. 

    Today there was a really old couple at the theater watching it – laughing at all the right places and apparently loving it as much as the rest of us who were middle age moms who were supposedly “out running errands.”

    • Anonymous

      Went to see it for the second time tonight. Cutest couple was a pair of guys in their late 20s/early 30s, and best stand alone was a guy in his 60s that said “oh. oh no” and surprised “ou”s throughout. Awesome.

  • Lily

    Bill Condon said that to make Kristen skinnier when she was pregnant they had to use CGI because makeup can’t make you look that skinny

  • Kaybvee

    Also I just made it seem like I only like Black penises, which is true…

    I DIE

  • Anonymous

    Loved Jake and Bella’s moment (pre jake freak out) at the wedding… Billy Burke– always amazing… def don’t love Renee in the jorts though lol

  • CJ

    Princess Diaries reference <33

  • after viewing BD for the 2nd time , I find Bill pacing, editing and placement and choice of songs are not as good as Catherine in twilight. Example : during the honeymoon scene when Edward went to speak to the portugese  maid after packing their things , the camera close in to Bella looking in the mirror, the song was just not right for that moment .  

    • Anonymous

      Love the Imperial Mammoth song that is on when Bella is having an OMG I’m really pregnant moment while Edward is off making arrangements. Love. 

  • Anonymous

    Ah, I just read the “I was born this way” caption. Yes. We all thought it.

  • Anonymous

    Oh and Carlisle had to get the blood BECAUSE he is a doctor. Doctors apparently can buy blood.

    mental note: get a M.D. If I ever become a vampire. Or befriend one.

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