Dear LTT,You know when you receive and unsolicited Breaking Dawn review from a guy in your inbox the day after the movie is released you need to reevaluate your life… that and your friend is a FAN! Ok, ok I kid… You all remember White Yorkie from his famous posts and past podcasts, well no surprise I (totally didn’t) wrangled him into seeing Breaking Dawn with us and then I was totally surprised when this did show up in my inbox…
.
To: Moon
From: White Yorkie
.
Well…. Shit balls, where to begin?Before I delve into anything detailed, I think I’ll just start with some rapid-fire initial thoughts:-The Stephanie at the wedding.  Ugh.  There’s way too many metaphors and junk to discuss concerning this, but I’m a dude.  And lazy.-Ashley Greene.  Girl, you know I’ll always love you.  You’re a beautiful, beautiful woman.  So stop letting whatshisnuts do whoopsidaisy dance moves on you where you reveal your undercarriage to undeserving eyes.  It’s just not becoming.

-The scene where BSwan reveals her ingenious plan to name her daughter Renesmee.  Edward’s all “bitch, no way” and Jacob’s all “I’d do you right now, bruised preggo belly and all.”  Bella, stop being such a puss.  Go for it.  Call your baby Renesmeward.  Done.

-That stupid sexy catwalk Bella’s mom does when she gets the wedding invite.  Stop it.  And stop wearing those shorts.  And just go away and die or something.  You have nothing to contribute to these movies.  Team Mustache.

– The end credits.  I hate to say this.  But they might be my favorite of the year.  Way too cool for this movie.

-The wolf barking/talking/chase/fight scene.  What.  The.  Tits?  After the dramatic fade to black I wanted to sing.  I wanted to recite poetry.  I wanted to stand and applaud.  I wanted to throat punch the nearest grandma.  Anything, something to convey my overwhelming joy that something like that exists in cinema.  I was just too slack-jawed at the time to do much of anything.

-The birth scene.  Anybody who’s talked to me knows this is the reason I was pumped to see this movie.  And it was simultaneously completely satisfying and completely disappointing.  Hot: all the blood.  Nearly dead Bella.  The overall tone of the scene.  Not hot:  Bella’s POV during the pivotal vampire c-section.

-The dream sequence where a bloodied Bella and Edward stand victorious on a mound of the dead.  I mean what the whaaaaaaat.  Yes please.  Why can’t the movies be about stuff like that?  Forever confused.

-More Ashley Greene being awesome.  Less of her doing flippies and being a damsel in distress during the vampire vs doggies scene.

-Why can’t Bella ever look happy.  About anything.  Ever.  Oh wait.  She does.  When Jacob shows up hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

-The vampire “extra special effects” still look like they were done by a dude fired from a CW show.  Somebody pony up some more cash for that shiz.  Take a few skrillz from the wig budget heyoooo

-Charlie is totally boning that Native American lady.  Secret loooooooovaaaahs

Alright.  Time to get serious.  As serious as I can get about a movie that I loathe and love all at the same time.  That’s right.  I said love.  I think this is the first Twilight movie I would actually recommend for people to go see.  Not because I think it’s some masterpiece.  But because it’s a masterpiece.  Let me explain.

But first, I need to get a few things off my chest that I hated about this movie and all the movies in the series.

All of these movies are so odd.  I wish there was a better word for it but that’s all I got.  They’re so damn odd.  Odd in tone, look, structure, overall story, script, everything.  They’re such a mish-mash of awkward.  Especially this installment.  In the same movie, you have a pre-sexy time montage with Bella, a hilarious wedding reception speech by Scott Pilgrim’s sister, vampire bros giggling and secret hand-shaking as they’re about to go on Edward’s bachelor party (why couldn’t that be told in flashback instead of Edward’s secret past as Dexter?), and a scene where BELLA’S BACK FUCKING SNAPS IN HALF BECAUSE OF HER DEMON (but actually really nice) BABY.

There are so many tonal shifts in this movie that it’s hard to take seriously.  Not that I could ever take it seriously.  Well, maybe.  I could if certain things were done.  The major one being: start telling a coherent story.  With a beginning, middle, and end.  One with a driving plot.  And yes, I know there’s all these scenes from the book that all you ladyz want to see.  I get that.  But I still think all that crap could be included and still tell a story that makes sense.

Small example of nonsensical stuff:  Bella is pregnant with the spawn of Satan.  Awesome.  And she needs to drink blood to stay alive.  Great.  But they’re running out of blood and they need to get her more.  Got it.  SO WHY DID THE ONE DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE LEAVE TO GET THE BLOOD WHEN HE HAD FULL KNOWLEDGE THAT SAID DAUGHTER OF BELZEBUB WAS ABOUT TO CLIMB OUT OF BELLA’S DYING LADY PARTS?

I know it’s all there for dramatic effect and junk.  But come ON.  At least give me a good reason.  And yeah, it might all be there on the page in the book, but you got to have this reason in the movie.

But story wise…  it just takes so long to get going.  And once it does, I kinda got bored with all the conflict that wasn’t happening but should’ve been happening.  Which I feel is a problem in this movie and the last one.  It’s a lot of waiting around for unclear reasons while conflict is about to maybe, possibly happen.  Bored.

Follow the jump for much much more from White Yorkie including who Breaking Dawn should really be about (spoiler NOT Edward and Bella) and more calling the Wolves, doggies

Dear wolf pack.  Next time you want to kill some folks that are holed up in a mid-century styled house, just ATTACK THE DAMN HOUSE.  There’s like a dozen of you guys.  And you’re bad-ass wolves, man.  Go bite a bitch.  Crash through the windows.  Claw through the doors.  It was such a mystery to me why an attack on the house itself was not in the movie.  That would’ve been so great.  Instead they just wait outside in case the vamps ever decide to show themselves (right, that’ll happen).  This is all explained in some throwaway line by Jacob.  “Something something element of surprise something something.”  Blegh.  All these cool elements are right there in the movie, they just don’t come to fruition.  Which brings me to what I think the real crux of the movie should’ve been.

Jacob.  This guy.   This poor guy.  He’s the reluctant leader.  He’s loyal.  He’s the sad-core crusader.  He only cares about Bella’s safety and yet he just can’t seem to win.  He’s right there by her side while she’s being eaten from the inside out by the ungodly creation of Edward’s all-powerful uber sperm.  He’s even a true fan of the name Renesmeward.  And that scene where Bella GRABS HIS HAND AND SAYS, “IT FEELS COMPLETE WHEN YOU’RE HERE?!?!”  And this is AFTER SHE’S MARRIED.  TO EDWARD.  Does White Yorkie have to choke a bitch?  You need to run, Jacob.  Use your doggie powers and run far, far away from this girl.  She is dangerous.  I know because I’ve loved a ton just like her.  She’s a user.  She’s a sucker of life.  The true vampire (I just got DEEP).  This one lady a few rows in front me said it best when after the scene in question she yelled out, “She’s the worst.”  Amen lady.  Amen indeed.

And then…  Jacob decides to make this huge sacrifice to save the daughter of the girl he really loves but can never have.  He imprints on a baby.  Yes, the scene was laughable.  But handled in the best way possible… considering it was about a were-doggie falling in love with a blood-covered newborn in 1.5 seconds.  But you know what?  I get it now.  This is what the movie should’ve been about.  Jacob decides to bind himself forever to this girl he doesn’t even know so she won’t be killed by his own family.  And to make matters worse, the girl is the daughter of the one that got away.  I mean, that’s huge.  And it seemed so tiny in the movie.  Like just a reason to get the other mean doggies to go away.  But it’s actually powerful when I think about it.  And yet it’s downplayed.

The focus should’ve been on Jacob making this decision.  He’s basically given up everything for Bella.  And you know what?  This girl RUINS EVERYTHING.  Everybody’s lives have gotten so much worse since she arrived on the scene.  High School drama reaches new heights.  Vampire families are all in a tizzy because one of their own likes Plain Jane.  Vampire and were-doggie treaties are broken.  Demon babies are conceived.  Frost/Nixon wants to kill you.  The list goes on.  But back to Jacob.

This movie is about you, dawg (ahhh I crack myself up).  I guess I just wanted to see more of it.  Goes back to that whole soft-conflict thing these movies are rife with. I wanted to see more Bella and Edward fighting over whether or not to keep the baby. I wanted to see more in-fighting with the Cullen family.  Could this baby spell certain doom for all vampire kind?!  Stuff like that.  Just… more.  Give me more.

Again, all the elements for a good story are there.  A controversial wedding.  An even more controversial pregnancy.  Threats of death by giving birth.  A love triangle.  A doggie-man who’s rejected by his family and has to make the ultimate sacrifice.

They’re just all drowned out by long drawn out scenes that don’t really do anything.

The wedding is great.  Cut that mother down.

Edward’s flashback is cool I guess.  But is it necessary? No.

Honeymoon was too long.  They just needed to bone to move the story along.  Not play “find the vampire sausage” in the jungle for weeks on end.  And get rid of those housekeepers.  All you needed was a scene of some witch doctor lady being freaked out when she saw Bella post being humped to death.  Done and done.

But, in the end, that’s why this movie is a masterpiece to me.  So much is wrong.  And so much is right.

The movie looks gorgeous.  Probably the best in the series.

The latter half of the movie just wasn’t all that bad overall.  Story problems aside, I wasn’t falling asleep.  There were scenes that didn’t make me laugh.  Instead I was honestly engaged.

Bella sipping blood and liking it?  Bravo.

Edward biting dead Bella like a lunatic to try and save her?  Pretty dang cool.

The scene where Bella’s spine goes wonky?  High-fives all around.  Anytime Bella Swan gets all Black Swan, I’m all for it.

The birthing scene was nearly perfect.  Really disturbing.  And Bella looked really dead.  Like D-E-D dead.  Great job there.  The sound effects of Edward chomping his wife’s tummy were horrifying.  And then he pulled out a really, really bloody baby.  Yeah, blood.  Buckets and buckets of blood.  They really went for it.  Good stuff.

Bella finally became a vampire.  I could go on and on about this subject and what I think about it story-wise.  Perhaps some other time…

So Breaking Dawn has all this bad stuff.  And then there’s all this good stuff.  And it’s altogether.  In a single movie.  In one giant, pop-culture package.  And it was entertaining (if sometimes for the wrong reasons).  Where else can I get all that?

-White Yorkie

P.S.:  And FUCK YOU for setting the wedding kiss to “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron & Wine.  You made me have an emotional reaction to a most unemotional onscreen wedding.

Most unemotional wedding scene White Yorkie?? You be crazy, but we’ll take your crazy cause we’re all here talking about Twilight every day… and that’s normal.

Big thanks to White Yorkie for writing a hiiiilarious review and for always going with us to see these movies… in fact we had four dudes with us this time at the midnight release, that’s like an LTT record or something!

Agree? Disagree? Think Jacob needs his own spin off?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store